Widowed mother being a bit clingy

[Klippetyklip]

My Dad died unexpectedly 18 months ago. He was early 80’s and (we thought) very fit and healthy. Mum is a few years younger. I spent a lot of time with Mum after Dad died. I took bereavement leave from work and more or less lived with her for a month. Mum found my return to work difficult.
Mum was a sahm. She and Dad did everything together and consequently she doesn’t have many friends. The ones she does have live quite a distance away and as their husbands are still alive Mum doesn’t feel she is able to ‘impose on them as they have husbands’.
This means the vast majority of her social life revolves around me and my brother. We live quite close so distance isn’t an issue. I realised a while ago that if we don’t arrange to do something with her over the weekend she will spend the entire weekend on her own. In fact this his her week, apart from trips to the local shops. If we don’t go for walks with her, visit her, take her out for lunches, go shopping, have her visit us she wouldn’t do anything else apart from shopping locally. Both my Brother and me feel guilty, and have admitted that we occasionally lie to Mum as it has become apparent that if we mention trips out we have taken she clearly expected to be asked along and may make a comment along the lines of ‘next time you go let me know and I‘ll come with you’. We do take her with us many times, but like most couples occasionally want time to ourselves.
She doesn’t drive, and to make matters worse neither do I (I have tried and spent thousands. It’s clearly not for me). Consequently we are limited what we can do together and I am loath to spend too much on outings with her as this is removing money from other areas of our lives.
My brother is very good and does his bit, but my Mum clearly expects me as her daughter to spend time with her, and basically be her friend.
I’m sinking. I was brought up being told by my parents (mainly dad if I’m honest) that it was my job as their daughter to care for them in their old age as it was my duty. This was drummed into me from a young age. Nothing was ever said to my brother. A little while before he died my dad expressed his disappointment that I hadn’t bought a house with an annexe that they could move into when the time came (even though he knew this is something we could never afford).
I meet Mum for lunch one day a week during my lunch break. I work part time so I spend one afternoon of my day off with her shopping and at her house helping with things or just watching tv with her. I will occasionally have a full day out with her and me and my dp will sometimes take her for a meal or take her out or invite her to us on a weekend or I’ll sometimes call in for an hour or so. I also text her several times everyday and call her most days.
Yet I still think I’m not doing enough and am letting her down. When I’m not with her my mind is constantly thinking how lonely and sad she must be and I should be doing more. I have suggested she join some groups so she can meet new people but she isn’t interested and has me anyway so why bother.
To be honest I think I just want to vent. My Mum could easily live another 20 years (if her family history is anything to go by) and I know as she ages it will get worse and I’m not coping as it is. I have heard of fog and realise this me, but I feel guilty just writing this. Any advise welcome

My Mum is 82 and my dad died a year ago.
She loves U3A

One organisation that may be of interest to your Mum and other women in the same situation is Jolly Dollies. There are branches all over the country and it is a social group run by widows for widows. They have coffee mornings, evenings out even group holidays all organised by members. Please do take a look.

thejollydollies.co.uk/

Mischance - I am so sorry for your loss. I think you have described (very eloquently) how you felt after the loss of your dh and how you are still feeling and how you are experiencing coming to terms with his loss. Your post has been a great help. Thank you

I’ve just remembered this group. Way -Up is for older widows and widowers. It’s more social orientated, meet ups for coffee, lunch etc.. I remember there was always transport sharing to events.
way-up.co.uk/

Lurleene - I think mum may enjoy this. Thank you

You are welcome Klipettyklip

@Klippetyklip

Thank you for the responses so far. Deep down I know I’m doing enough, but it doesn’t feel enough. I realise I need to work on that

You are doing more than enough and it's not your fault she has no friends.

WI, U3A, Walking groups. Townswomen's Guild. Any interests? Flower arranging? Craft? Does she use the internet? There's loads of bereavement groups on there.

She may not drive, but if she has access to public transport she will have to start putting herself out there,

There is a good support here for those of us with elderly parents, you will get some fab support if you ask your post to be moved over to there. You need to look out for the cockroach one. ( Ask when you get there ! ) 😅

@Mischance your post has brought a tear to my eyes. I’m very lucky to still have both of my parents but I’m very aware of their mortality. Reading what you have said will make me better when I have to deal with the inevitable. Thank you for giving your personal circumstances as I’m sure I’m not the only person who will benefit from your words.

Thanks Nanny. She lives near to very good public transport so getting about shouldn’t be an issue. I have talked about her possibly joining a walking group as she and dad walked a lot but she made various excuse’s why she couldn’t join. She enjoys gardening but again that was something she did with dad. At least that does give her something to occupy herself with in the summer. There have been many good suggestions on this thread that I shall mull over. Thanks everyone

Hi OP I can really relate to this. My dad died leaving my mom after 63 years of marriage. I have no brothers or sisters so naturally (?) I became my mom's go to for, well everything really. I tried to push back (was working full time) and I also baby sat a LOT for my two dgc. My mom would sometimes make stuff up to get me or my daughter there. I'd moan like crazy but I still went. She died a couple of years ago and even now the guilt I feel about resenting the time spent weighs down heavy. However I do know that realistically the time I spent was in proportion to all the other stuff I had to do, working FT, walking my dogs, babysitting, housework etc. I did this on my own and I think whatever I did was probably not enough in her mind. It's tough and I guess the guilt is uuniversal but I would say set a routine and stick to it. When she is no longer here you will STILL think you could have done more. So know NOW that you will consider her and do all you can but not at any cost.

I know what you are going through and it's tough.

I used to work as a paid companion for older people. Some for say, 4 mornings a week, and others a few hours a week, or a couple of hours every weekday evening. I would cook for them, or whatever they wanted really - we would talk, laugh, do the supermarket order - I would help them fix things, help them with computer work, teach them things, watch tennis on the TV - whatever. Sometimes I would do some physical work for them like set up a bird feeder, or clean out cupboards, chatting all the time.

I would recommend you think about this option. As mothers get older, it can get very awkward for a grown up daughter, as they still are the parent, but being told what to do and spoken to like a child when you are 55 is no fun! Also, older people will often do far better spending time with a companion who is not related to them as there is no family baggage.

It was a real eye opener. I don't so that work any more as I now have a sick husband and 80 year old mother of my own to deal with! I wish she had a companion to take the pressure off me, knowing she is alone all the time.

My widowed MIL is in the WI, Jolly Dollies (group for widows) and helps with Girl Guides. She's out socially quite a lot and before the pandemic always seemed to be away on holiday. It didn't happen straight away but joining groups seemed a good thing to do, probably never would have beforehand.

My gran was similar when she was widowed. My parents had a book called something like "101 Things to do in the South East" but it was known in our house as "101 Things to do with your Mother In Law" as she demanded constant entertaining.

She joined a Cruse bereavement group and eventually met a companion who she loved spending time with and the intense reliance on us lessened. Maybe suggest something like that?

I hesitate to suggest this but if your Mum is a church goer she may find they have coffee mornings/run a cafe.

Your local council may run day trips for seniors which is another way to meet people.

"@Hbh17 If she had planned ahead when she had the chance, she wouldn't be making these demands of you - it was her choice not to do that. And it's a lesson to all of us not to rely on a spouse to always be there, & to develop our own independent lives".

Fgs! Op's mum will be in her late 70's or early 80's at best now. If she had " planned ahead" she would have not only been physic but most likely contradicted all social norms of her time. If she had "planned ahead"
she may well have chosen to be born 50yrs later than she was. All the freedoms and social interactions women have today. were not available to women 50/60 yrs ago.

"@Klippetyklip she doesn’t have many friends. The ones she does have live quite a distance away".

That is what happens when you get old . You move, your friends move away . They then die of old age.

What would like her to do in her old age, join Bumble, MeetUp, Nextdoor? Local community Facebook group?

" I thought she’d be keen for me to nurture my friendships due to her situation but I honestly don’t think she’s thinking clearly anymore".

No, she is not, she is widowed, isolated, lonely, afraid and bereft. Her life long partner, protector, organiser and provider of all emotional support has died. She is elderly and from a different generation . She can probably hardly think at all right now. Your friends will understand if you need to spend some time with yr mum. I suspect her recent grief has not considered your coffee afternoons or your friends at all.

"To be honest I think I just want to vent".

And you have.

@Hbh17

By most people's standards, you are doing way too much. You are not responsible for another adult. If she had planned ahead when she had the chance, she wouldn't be making these demands of you - it was her choice not to do that. And it's a lesson to all of us not to rely on a spouse to always be there, & to develop our own independent lives.

My God! If this is your true feelings I hope for your sake your children if you have any do not take the same approach.

What a vile and spiteful demeanor you have.

Be kind. It must be a shock. There are lots of groups and activities running these days. Age UK have probably got loads of things going on.

I have exactly the same situation with my Mum. My Dad died quite a while ago and she focused all her time and attention on her own Mum. When she died it left a gaping hole in her life.

She gets regular visits from the family, days out, lunches, coffees, trips to the garden centre, etc. but she literally cannot organise anything herself. If she spends a day or so on her own she says she is lonely. We have suggested umpteen things but she is rarely interested. She does belong to the WI but her attendance is a bit sporadic.

It is hard but at the end of the day it's her life. None of us can make her happy. We all do our best but the rest is up to her. I do feel sad because the neediness is actually very off putting. I have to choose my moments when to ring and see her nowadays.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of being there for her. Don't be guilted into letting it take over your life.

I do agree with the forward planning comments. At no point did my Mum nurture or develop any friendships or hobbies. When we're not there she has absolutely nothing to keep her occupied other than housework or shopping.

It is important to have a vague plan in mind of what you will do when you retire, if you become widowed, if your mobility declines and you're unable to get out and about.

Misogyny at its worst.

You recognise that it was drummed into you by your dad that you “owe” your parents care in the old age. Nothing was said to your brother.Right.
You have no such obligations to your parents.

Your mum declines gardening because she used to do it with your dad.It might be a painful remainder to her but they probably used to do lots of things together.

She declines contacting couple friends because she’s alone. That’s on her, I bet friends would be happy to see her.

She can have some hobbies,meet people and fill her time while keeping in touch with you and your brother.

She needs to build her life alone but not with you as emotional crutch. You need time and space for yourself, your life can’t revolve around your mother.

Losing lifetime partner is a huge trauma but she can’t suffocate you with her constant presence. You need time and space for yourself.

Don’t feel guilty, it’s not like you completely abandoned her,she’s still a huge part of your life but she has to curve a life for herself.

Op you are doing a huge amount and my concern reading it is thst the more you do thr less your mum has to make even the slightest effort to change her own life.

If she has the intelligence and the mobility and can walk into a library or cafe or community hall she could find herself activities or groups. Of course it might not be easy but she can't expect thst you are her only friend now fir the rest of her life.

Tough as it might be I think you need to be honest with her and say you want her to look for activities.she doesn't need to be looking to build amazing friendships she just needs to learn to engage a little with life.

As you say she could live 20 years. What a waste of life to do nothing but stare at 4 walls or visit her daughter.

My grandmother was in her 80s when her husband of 60 years died. She said she wanted to start something new so she moved from her home into a retirement village type place. Yes she was naturally more sociable than your mother sounds but it was still a huge thing to do. She was trying yo get involved with new things to the very end.

My own mum is 76 and had a very full life I think your mum needs coaching and a realistic chat. Set the bar low that she needs to look at doing some new things even if it is only joining a library or starting going to some sort of group.

And agree with other posters. This is your mum's choice. Start a constant push at her to do things rather than just accept her argument thst she can't contact friends or do anything.

My mum and dad were always together too OP, he still worked but at weekends they did there own thing and occasionally joined into. But we always spent the week together.
It's a huge amount of pressure and i would be lying if sometimes i just wanted to chill at home and not go out, it was alot of pressure.
We had no idea my mum was going to die u till the last 6 months so her being so young i did think that was going to be my life, although i loved spending time with her, sometimes you just wanna stay in and do sod all.

I feel for you, i never did navigate boundaries but in my case im glad i didn't