Another marriage one...

[Overandout1]

I know this board is filled with threads like this.

I know ultimately if he wanted to marry me, he would and the rest is just excuses. However here I am and I'm wondering how to approach the situation.

Been with my partner 5 years this summer. Lived together 3 years, have a nearly 3 year old DC and we each have an older child each from previous marriage. I'm 34 he is 51.

I know everyone will say marry before a child but obviously it's too late for that now. Our son was unplanned and at the time I fell pregnant we had only been together 14 months. Marriage hadn't been discussed at this point, however we were in love and decided to continue the pregnancy and move in together (we had discussed moving in).

Anyway here we are and almost been together 5 years.

We have both been divorced. My partner has many issues from his divorce. He is from a wealthy background and lost all his inheritance in his divorce (around 400k). His ex wife made things very difficult when divorcing, she stalked him, stopped him seeing his child for a year then later (at this point he was seeing child).claimed thousands extra in maintanance by saying he didn't see his child. She tried to get him struck off and threatened his elderly father and has MH issues. This has been told to me also by his friends and family and I've seen court reports. I want to make it clear I am NOT making assumptions about his ex, I'm explaining what I have heard from his side and how his divorce impacted him. I was not in the relationship and I have no opinioms of his ex wife, it usually takes 2 to end a marriage and I'm not saying he did no wrong, I wasn't there.
Anyway basically bad divorce.

When we have discussed marriage he has always said he has no issue with marrying me but can't go through another divorce and he would need to be 100% that we won't split (obviously this is not possible). We have had a hard time adjusting initially as we moved in together 2 weeks before I gave birth. My partner had been mostly single for 10 years post divorce and got used to being alone and he can be selfish. However it has caused issues.

We love one another, well I have no reason to think he doesn't love me. When things are good we are great but we can have issues at times.

I've made it clear in the past that I want to get married. He's said several times that he will one day propose, refers to me as his wife, made remarks about type of wedding etc. However, the last time I tried to discuss marriage he basically got angry with me and it ended up with him saying 'dont you realise how bad my divorce was'. He has also said in the past that when you have a child together he believes you don't do anything to break that family unit and that as I in the past had walked away from a marriage with a child, I was capable of doing it again.

I want to get married. Several reasons

• I love him
• want to feel he's committed to me
• I want the same surname as one of my children
• I want to officially be part of his family
• I don't want to be a partner forever
• I envisaged being married to the father of my child
• and the boring one...for practical and legal reasons. If he left or anything happened to him, I'd struggle whereas he has a lot of money behind him.

The issue is this. It's suddenly hit me that we have been together nearly 5 years and I've started to think that if he's not asked by now, he never will and for me, it's important. I'm starting to feel resentful and upset about it.

The issue- I don't know how to broach the conversation because when I last tried he got annoyed and basically said I'm giving him an ultimatum. I'm not even sure how to put it across without making it sound like an ultimatum. I basically said if he didn't love me enough to get married then I wasn't sure it was the right relationship for me. He was upset/angry I'd consider leaving when we have a child. Especially seen as we've both been divorced, so evidently marriage doesn't mean much! And has always said loving me has nothing to do with it. The conversation usually ends with him saying that he isn't against marrying me and one day, how8how long do I wait?

Does he have a point? Or do I accept he doesn't love me enough?

*Get a pre up, that may help him

Pre-nups aren't worth the paper they're written on in this country so pretty pointless.

He wants to protect his money OP - that's clear enough. So you have to decide if you're happy to remain unmarried and stay in the relationship or give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow it through.

Not sure what else you can do really.

This is from a man who does zero to help in the house, I do 90% of child care, I work more hours than him but because he earns more hourly he says my work doesn't matter, it's my job to do the house work because I'm a woman, plays Xbox for hours a day, used to play Xbox till3am and wake at 1pm, did nothing to help me during pregnancy or birth (I mean left me alone to move house 9 months pregnant, with anaemia and back pain), constantly moans that I've dragged him to live where we are (he only wanta to live in his childhood home which is 40 mins away), moans he doesn't see his child because of where we live yet when I tell him he should stay away at his dad's an extra night a week and have his son, he refuses. For 4 months we spent 4 nights a week at his dads and he didn't see his son extra once. In fact his son doesn't wan to see him any more and makes it clear.
A man who watched me vomit in bed with our baby screaming next to me and walked away to bed... I could go on and on.

I admit, when he makes me feel crap I go quiet. Not to be abusive but because he shouts over me, swears at me and tells me I'm mental. I'm actually far too intimidated to talk to him.

OP, I would ask you to re-read all of your posts as if your sister or best friend wrote them. What would you say to them?

If you were my sister or friend I would say to you that this man is abusive and that you need to get out and move on. And seeing as you do all of the childcare and are not married and do not own a home, that will be easy to do practically, if not emotionally.

He is gaslighting you - he obviously works in healthcare or some similar role, and is using his age and expertise to convince you that he is right and you are wrong.

Well, the good women of MN are here to tell you that is not how it is - you are worth so much more than this. Please do not let your children grow up seeing you emotionally and financially abused like this.

Are you surprised he doesn't want to marry you? I've been in the position whereby I lost half of my life savings due to a divorce.
There is no way on God's green earth I'm getting married again.
My money is for DS not some bloke I've married.
You can have the same name by changing it by deed poll you don't need to be married.
Its obvious this man is not going to marry you, just a shame he is too gutless to actually say that and keep making promises he has no intention of keeping.
When I date men I always say right out marriage is not on the cards.

Oh and in his text in response to me saying that when I work full time we should divide the house hold chores 50/50, he said

If you can't cope with the house work I'll get a cleaner.

(He'll expect me to pay so I said I'll do my 50% of cleaning and if he wants to pay for a cleaner for his half, go ahead).

I'd be running a fucking mile from this tosser.

How much money does he actually have? Cos it doesn't sound like enough to have to put up with him. The life insurance sounds much more important than the marriage at this point unless he has substantial savings as he doesn't seem to have any other assets?

Dear god. Get out. This is no relationship

I'm not sure why you want to marry this man at all. I'd say it's a blessing he doesn't want to get married. He sounds awful. Take your children and run!

I remember you now OP.

My advice to you would be that instead of pushing for marriage, you should run as fast and far away as you can from this man.

He's lazy, financially abusive, emotionally manipulative and treats you like shit.

I remember your posts now. Please re read what you have written and make plans to leave. His texts are setting you up to show that you're emotionally unstable and given his line of work he will probably sound quite credible. Make plans to leave, don't tell him anything and try and detach emotionally.

I remember you OP. This guy is an arse— if hexwas a decent bloke who just didn’t want to get married he would be saying things like—‘ I’m sorry you feel a bit insecure and vulnerable- I’m changing thexwills now and here is 20k to put into your account just in case you ever needed to rent somewhere else.’but I’m not getting married again. The fact is I don’t think he’s that fussed, and thinks it may well end up in a split anyway so no way is he going to be married and on the line for all his cash if married . Start building up cash reserves if you can as I don’t think this is going to end well— also make sure you know how much he earns and where it goes into — because if he earns that well, he’s going to be paying some hefty child support payments— married or not

Honestly after reading your messages you should just leave him.

He sounds like a mean person.

How do you feel about leaving him?

Maybe it's good you're not married. You can just leave and get a care agreement in place for your child. No divorce proceedings to deal with etc.

@Overandout1

This is from a man who does zero to help in the house, I do 90% of child care, I work more hours than him but because he earns more hourly he says my work doesn't matter, it's my job to do the house work because I'm a woman, plays Xbox for hours a day, used to play Xbox till3am and wake at 1pm, did nothing to help me during pregnancy or birth (I mean left me alone to move house 9 months pregnant, with anaemia and back pain), constantly moans that I've dragged him to live where we are (he only wanta to live in his childhood home which is 40 mins away), moans he doesn't see his child because of where we live yet when I tell him he should stay away at his dad's an extra night a week and have his son, he refuses. For 4 months we spent 4 nights a week at his dads and he didn't see his son extra once. In fact his son doesn't wan to see him any more and makes it clear. A man who watched me vomit in bed with our baby screaming next to me and walked away to bed... I could go on and on.

I admit, when he makes me feel crap I go quiet. Not to be abusive but because he shouts over me, swears at me and tells me I'm mental. I'm actually far too intimidated to talk to him.

This makes for distressing reading, @Overandout1. At the very least this is uncaring and abusive behaviour. Why oh why would you hold so tight to the idea of getting married to this person? At this stage it's positively an advantage you are not tied to him by a contract of marriage and all that entails - including financially.

Please let go of the idea of tying yourself legally to him and investigate how you can get out - even though your new place is likely to be much smaller at first. At least you will be out of this tense environment with such a controlling man, and in your own space. It will be a start.

This may already have been discussed, but have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to? Check on www.entitledto.Co.uk and/or speak to Citizens Advice. Check what maintenance you could get from CMS?

Please do not feel you need to be open with him about what your future plans are - he will only ridicule and/or gaslight you and undermine you at every turn. Keep your plans close to your chest until you are safely out because as he is likely to turn nasty and you need to be prepared for that.

I can't recall - is there any family you could live with whilst you save some money and look for somewhere else more permanent?

I wish you strength for the next steps you need to take for yourself and your children. 🌹

I just left a man like this. We were together 9 years and it’s been really hard to deal with the split, but I couldn’t carry on in a relationship where my needs weren’t being met and I was repeatedly told I was mental or hormonal every time I got upset about something (usually being let down and forgotten about).

Please please reread what you’ve said about him here - it’s scarily familiar and it’s soul destroying.

The more you say about him the nastier he sounds and I’m sure this is just the tip of a very large iceberg. You don’t want to end up tied to this abusive piece of crap.

Work out how you’re going to move on and then get out asap. Make a claim through CMS for child support - or if he insists he’s going to have your DC 50/50 work out how that will be fairly split to enable you to work and still have downtime with your DS and get it in writing. He sounds the type to push for 50/50 and then not really want it, so ensure that things like nursery fees etc are split 50/50 too, or he’ll end up squirming out of paying child support and then letting you down on childcare too.

I know it’s not the fairytale ending you’ve been hoping and planning for, but you need to accept that this was never on the table with him. He dangled a carrot to keep you in line, but now that you’re wise to his game he has to up the ante and will push the “crazy” narrative to suit his agenda.

Nobody is going to take his word for it at this point so it’s not like he can use his assessment of the situation to influence custody arrangements etc but do make sure to get everything in writing from now on, as he is clearly ramping up to assassinate your character.

I have primary school age dc and I wouldn’t marry at my age (and I’m younger than your dh). I wouldn’t want to lose the financial security I’ve built for me and my dds on divorce or have them disinherited.

Especially with the age gap, there is an issue here with his first dcs inheritance. Also marrying you doesn’t really benefit his son, it benefits you primarily.

From my own perspective I would only now have an relationship that was broadly equal- each party contributing financially and via housework childcare etc.

I would suggest that perhaps a more equal relationship is the answer. You could be at work full time (I worked full time in a busy professional job as a single mum when my youngest was 3) and he could be pulling his weight more in the house and with childcare. If you can’t afford to house yourself in your late 30s, you need to build your career not to mention pension and general financial security.

@cayrolbaaaskin yes, I see what you are saying. I do have 2 degrees and wanted to do my PhD. Unfortunately it is very difficult to build up a career when the person you are with is unsupportive.

Just read your later messages. Hmmmm, dunno if I’d want to marry this guy! I think equality though is the way forward- if he wants to outsource his share of the chores fair enough. He doesn’t seem to see you as an equal so make him. Make sure you see yourself as an equal first.

Unfortunately he’s too old to be able to get cost effective private life insurance. If you buy a house make sure you are on the deeds.

@Overandout1 - it’s hard but not impossible to have a career and children (as a woman). As I say, I’m a single mum but have well paid professional career. You can do it.

He has an answer for everything

OMG. And you WANT to marry him???!!! Did you perhaps read or watch too many romances where getting married suddenly makes everything better? Because it won't. Realistically, why would it? Everything that you are already unhappy about will continue, with the added disbenefit that it will be expensive and legally fraught to get out of it when you inevitably realise that you must, to save your sanity.

Re the ex, he's already calling you all those things he said about her, for the dreadful crime of asking where you stand and expecting some kind of financial security while you are raising his child. He will only marry you if you agree to stop having emotions and wanting stability in your life? Why then, the price is too high. Far, far too high.

This thread makes me so sad.

This guy is emotionally abusing you. People like this push and push and manipulate and twist until you either snap or get upset then they stand back and say "see, you're crazy".

Why are you with this nasty bastard? I was you five years ago and I look back at who I was then and the things I did and said and thought and put up with and I just want to shake that person and say YOU ARE BEING ABUSED GET OUT.

You are being abused, please get out.

Jesus, what a scumbag, how can you plan to get your kids out of this toxic, abusive atmosphere?

if he is completely self-centred, what may happen to his partner and child after his death isn't going to bother him because he won't be there to see it, and if he didn't see it it didn't happen. If he gives it any thought at all it'll be a vague "they'll be fine".

Spot on. My ex was like this. He had a business that employed a number of people but despite calling it our 'family business' whenever he wanted me to do some free work for him on it, did not have any plan for what would happen if he died suddenly. When I asked him, he sort of shrugged and said 'Well, you wouldn't be obliged to carry it on.'

He had given zero thought to whether it might be able to be sold and if so who to, or if not who would close it down and what that would involve for his employees and landlord, how to sell assets, settle up debts and creditors, how to access bank accounts. It was as though he thought the business would literally vanish like magic into nothing overnight, no problem. Utterly unable to see past the end of his own nose.

if you reign in your anger and wild emotional swings

I admit, when he makes me feel crap I go quiet. Not to be abusive but because he shouts over me, swears at me and tells me I'm mental. I'm actually far too intimidated to talk to him.

Sounds more like he's the one with anger and wild emotional swings.