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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok to remain in a relationship that isn’t a forever one but is nice at the moment?

58 replies

Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 08:44

I have a feeling my current relationship is not going to be a forever one. He is quite independent and I don’t think he will be a move in settle down kind of person, well not at that the moment anyway.

I’m late 30’a have done children want no more. I have my own house so don’t need help with that, he has his own help.

Everything is great, he is a great person. Do I just continue to enjoy it for what and how long it is anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 08:45

His own house that was meant to say!

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 23/01/2022 08:46

If you are both happy living alone then it sounds perfect.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/01/2022 08:48

That's what I did
Then things changed after 3.5 years and it became more serious- we move slowly! Still not living together though. You don't know how things will develop.

heyday · 23/01/2022 08:49

None of us can predict the future but if this relationship is working well for both of you then carry on and just enjoy each day together. Don't overthink things.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 08:49

Of course! Sounds perfect to me Grin enjoy it for what it is, theres no guarantees in life anyway 🤷‍♀️

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 08:49

Enjoy it.
And if it ever does go further, make sure you ring fence what you take in.

JumperJump · 23/01/2022 08:52

If it works for both of you then it sounds great! It’s not necessary to follow the traditional model of living together if neither of you want to. One of my friends in her 40s has been with her partner since late 30s but they have no intention of moving in together, they certainly spend heaps of time with each other but they both enjoy independence too.

Bringsexyback · 23/01/2022 08:52

They always say never day anybody that you wouldn’t marry because you take yourself off the market and other people will be watching you thinking that you’re with and in love with the person that you’re with currently.

Original poster
Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 08:53

I have this built in ideology of house and family and marriage and dog and kids. I am outside of the box and feel different.

I did have all of those things once and it’s was the worst things ever (because of abuse).

I look at people who have those things and have a longing but also know it’s not always truthful.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 08:54

Oh yeah just enjoy yourself!

GiantSpider · 23/01/2022 08:54

It sounds great! As long as you are both honest about it so no one is being misled.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/01/2022 09:46

@Mymindisblown

I have this built in ideology of house and family and marriage and dog and kids. I am outside of the box and feel different.

I did have all of those things once and it’s was the worst things ever (because of abuse).

I look at people who have those things and have a longing but also know it’s not always truthful.

Oh god no don't do that just because you feel you should!!
LimeSegment · 23/01/2022 10:08

Of course it's OK, if you are happy. You can have any sort of relationship you like. It's not even unusual, among my friends it's pretty common to be in this type of situation at your stage of life (divorced with kids).

The only thing I'd say is, ask yourself if you are genuinely happy, or do you want more now but you are putting off going for it by staying in this relationship. Of course you can be happy with this, but you also don't have to be.

Original poster
Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 10:10

Nope I’m happy at the moment. He adds to my life.

OP posts:
toksvig · 23/01/2022 10:14

I'm also in this position. Great reasons to stay, no reason to leave. 3 yrs together. Agree it's hard to shed the relationship escalator mentality, especially as all my friends are in trad setups. I find the stories on the FB group Apartners great for inspiring faith that this is OK!

SortingItOut · 23/01/2022 10:17

This type of situation is becoming more common, its called LAT - Living Apart Together.

There is a Facebook group called Apartners - Living Apart Together.

I did the house, kids,marriage thing with my abusive ex husband, I have no plans to do it again.
I've been with my partner 2.5yrs, no intention to ever live together, marry or merge finances. I am also not involved with his young son, I have adult kids so they have met him.

I love the life I have, I see him a few times a week and the rest of the time I'm busy with life.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 23/01/2022 10:21

@Mymindisblown

I have this built in ideology of house and family and marriage and dog and kids. I am outside of the box and feel different.

I did have all of those things once and it’s was the worst things ever (because of abuse).

I look at people who have those things and have a longing but also know it’s not always truthful.

This 'ideology' is why I have just about ruined my life (hoping to salvage some a bit later this year), instead of trusting what was right and healthy and valid for me. I think you have it totally right and full respect for you being so clear thinking. Respect your own truth and feelings OP! Sounds excellent.

500LittleViolas · 23/01/2022 10:24

It sounds perfect!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/01/2022 10:25

Most of us did the marriage/living together, shared finances, kids bit and have the scars to tell the tale. My DP and I are both divorced with kids and can't see any good reason why we should live in the same house apart from financial and even then, I want to keep my property for my son so it's easier to keep them separate too.

Original poster
Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 10:26

I came to this thinking having been in one abusive relationship and how I can feel about it.

I decided that relationships can be about teaching us lessons and things. It’s ok to not stick with one forever and take the lesson and move on.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 23/01/2022 10:27

Absolutely would not appeal to me
But absolutely nothing wrong with it per se!

ravenmum · 23/01/2022 10:39

I'm still in a relationship like this after 5 years, still enjoying it. Was with my exh for 20 years, married, house etc. Am honestly enjoying this more.

PermanentTemporary · 23/01/2022 10:46

I'm 52 and really enjoying dating my bf while living apart. I love that we fall into each other's arms every weekend, that it's like a holiday every time. This morning I lay in bed with a coffee that he made me after passionate sex, listening to him clearing up cat vomit downstairs while listening to the music I like on his Alexa Grin Maybe one day we will live together but maybe we won't. Seeing him makes my life better and the 'push' I used to have to cling and be together 24/7 and make a family was not always positive. Enjoy what you have and don't live in the future.

2022newyrnewme · 23/01/2022 21:58

I did this hoping things would eventually progress..they didn’t. It gets harder the longer you’re together as you form more memories and emotions. If it works for you to accept the worst case go for it!

Justgettingbye · 23/01/2022 22:01

I'd love to have what you have. If you've done the kids thing sounds perfect and as for marriage well Meg