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Original poster

Is it ok to remain in a relationship that isn’t a forever one but is nice at the moment?

58 replies

Mymindisblown · 23/01/2022 08:44

I have a feeling my current relationship is not going to be a forever one. He is quite independent and I don’t think he will be a move in settle down kind of person, well not at that the moment anyway.

I’m late 30’a have done children want no more. I have my own house so don’t need help with that, he has his own help.

Everything is great, he is a great person. Do I just continue to enjoy it for what and how long it is anyway?

OP posts:
Justgettingbye · 23/01/2022 22:01

Meh I mean

hivemindneeded · 23/01/2022 22:10

@Mymindisblown

I have a feeling my current relationship is not going to be a forever one. He is quite independent and I don’t think he will be a move in settle down kind of person, well not at that the moment anyway.

I’m late 30’a have done children want no more. I have my own house so don’t need help with that, he has his own help.

Everything is great, he is a great person. Do I just continue to enjoy it for what and how long it is anyway?

Why would it not be? You can only live in the moment, so if you enjoy the relationship in the present, it's right for you, for now.
pumpkinpie01 · 23/01/2022 22:34

You just never know how things are going to pan out or how peoples wants and feelings can change , go with the flow and enjoy yourself

Lovemusic33 · 24/01/2022 07:25

I think it’s best not to look too far ahead, just enjoy the here or now.

Like you my last relationship was abusive and before that I was married (got married way to young, started a family way too young). After the abusive relationship I don’t think I could ever be in a ‘forever’ relationship, I struggle to be in any relationship and I struggle to let anyone get close to me. I have dated a few people but when it comes to something more serious I usually run a mile.

I think if you are happy with how things are then I wouldn’t over think it. Obviously if you want to settle down, have dc and buy a house with someone then things maybe different and you might decide to call it a day and find someone who wants to settle.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/01/2022 07:28

I did that for 20 years OP. I knew he wasn't the one - I'm not sure the one even exists.
I don't regret it because we did some amazing things I'd never have done alone and in the main had a fun time but our relationship definitely had a shelf life.
Looking back though I should not have married him we should have just lived together. Divorce is so messy.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 24/01/2022 07:29

If you’ve got children this sounds perfect - they get security and stability with you and don’t have to share their home and you get a living relationship with plenty of space to keep things interesting.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 24/01/2022 07:30

Loving, not living

TansySorrel · 24/01/2022 07:48

As long as he doesn't want kids and feels the same and wants the same it's OK.

Struggling1702 · 24/01/2022 07:49

Hi OP. I completely understand how you fell with this and it's something I sort of struggle with. Society teaches us relationships are for settling down, getting married and having kids. I've been there, done that and very truly done with it. I do not want any more kids and I can't imagine I will ever get married. I was married for 10 years, together 16, separated 2.5 and still not divorced. It has been the most painful experience of my life and it's still going.
I have a BF and we've been together 18 months but I constantly question it as I don't know where it's going. We're both committed and exclusive etc but wihout kids and marriage it's almost like I think what's the point.
We enjoy spending time together, doing new things, exploring new places, being active and of course having sex! We support each other emotionally etc. This is what a relationship is, right?! But for me it feels odd so I keep having to remind myself to just enjoy it!

FrancescaContini · 24/01/2022 07:50

Of course it’s okay. You’re an adult, you can please yourself.

Original poster
Mymindisblown · 24/01/2022 08:22

@Struggling1702 I’ve been with mine for a similar time. Without that end goal I keep thinking what is the point, at any time it could just be over and it would be easy to just walk away.

I assume though that he loves me enough to not do that but then marriage doesn’t actually physically change the amount of love one has for another just makes it harder to leave.

I don’t think I want to be tied down again or go through a divorce it’s bloody awful.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/01/2022 12:26

Takes a bit of getting used to when you've followed a more classic route previously, but there is no end goal. We're not going to have children together or build a home. So we are together now purely because we like being together. Not because we made an easily broken promise years ago.

For me, the only issue is that I think this is the longest relationship my bf has had with anyone - at 57! His marriage didn't last this long, and apart from that he's had a lot of casual relationships, not much serious. And I don't think that I am the Special One who's going to finally Give Him the Love he Needs; I'm too much of a cynic for that. So I do wonder if he's just going to get bored. Marriage wouldn't make any difference to that; the thing that makes me sad on occasion is more what I believe you carefully describe in your OP as him being "independent" Grin

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 24/01/2022 13:16

@Struggling1702 @Mymindisblown @ravenmum It's eerie how your posts reflect the exact same thoughts I've been having too! I'm currently single but once had the married family set-up, etc, co-parent two kids but don't want more and, being honest, I know its these kind of thoughts that hold me back from getting involved with anyone.

I think I'm especially wary given the current culture of "YOLO" and "live your truth" - any relationship is going to lose its sparkle over time and people are actively encouraged to think more selfishly and chase excitement these days. Without the "greater good" of a family, I can't see how any partner wouldn't just move on once the sparkle's worn off.

Anthurium · 24/01/2022 13:29

Watching with interest

I'm currently with someone but I have a child via a sperm donor. He'd like to have a child and in theory I could have another child but I'm not too sure how all this could work (blended family), and buying a home together.. I divorced aged 36 and spent a few years dating (it went nowhere, hence why the single mother by choice)... Do I want to go there again? The fear of it all breaking down, having to pick myself up again...I'd like to be LAT but I'm not sure he'd be accepting of that long-term.

draramallama · 24/01/2022 13:41

Without that end goal I keep thinking what is the point, at any time it could just be over and it would be easy to just walk away.

That's true of everything in life - nothing is permanent or forever but that doesn't mean it's pointless.

I think it's quite healthy to embrace the seasonality of life and let go of things once they've run their course. That doesn't devalue what they bring to our life while they're part of it.

You still have all the ways you and your life have been changed and enriched by the experience/relationship, even if the person, relationship, job, hobby, whatever is no longer part of your present life.

But I also don't believe that relationships "fail", they just run their course and end. I think viewing relationships as a success vs failure situation is toxic, especially where the definition of a "failed" relationship is simply one that's ended.

Just because something ends, doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile. (Holidays end but we wouldn't say it was pointless because we didn't move to live on the beach forever more.)

BiscuitLover3678 · 24/01/2022 13:45

Is there a real reason why it’s not forever? Are there things that bother you deep down ie are you settling due to relief it’s not as bad as previous relationships?

I’ve known people just keep going and after a while it becomes habit and they just never leave (but in their case they have children which is obviously a bigger problem!)

DrMorbius · 24/01/2022 13:45

Is it ok to remain in a relationship that isn’t a forever one but is nice at the moment?

I believe that is how most men would characterise their relationship at any given time.

draramallama · 24/01/2022 13:48

Think of all the connections and relationships of different degrees we form in our lifetimes. People pass in and out of our lives. We wouldn't consider it pointless or failure or a waste of time that we are not still in relationships with everyone who's passed through our life.

I don't think it's realistic to think that intimate partner relationships should be exempt from the natural order of things. Great if sometimes people form healthy lifelong partnerships. But it's not failing if others don't. Who is served by that narrative that the only valid intimate partner relationship is a "forever" relationship?

It has nothing to do with "sparkle" or YOLO or selfishness to take a more healthy view of human relationships.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 24/01/2022 13:53

I believe that is how most men would characterise their relationship at any given time.

It's funny, because I'm a guy, yet I'm so aware of this perception it parayses me - I'm terrified if we date and sleep together, then I realise maybe we don't have a future, I'll end up being categorised as yet another man who just had his way and then moved on. So, unless I feel 99% like this person really, really interests me and 99% that they not only feel the same but won't be resenting me in a few years time then I won't go there. Which is daft, because I'm fully aware what I'm asking is the impossible.

ravenmum · 24/01/2022 14:12

Without the "greater good" of a family, I can't see how any partner wouldn't just move on once the sparkle's worn off
But I had a family with my exh and he moved on - it can happen any time. I don't think that it's "modern times", either; one set of grandparents and my parents split up despite getting married and having children.
Yes, when it happens to you, it's never what you expected, and it can make you feel a bit cynical about the whole thing, or more cynical than you were before! But I could easily imagine having a good, long relationship now.

Like I say, my issue is actually my bf's history of not having long relationships. He doesn't believe in them, thinks that anyone who's been with someone 10 years (for example) must be bored. So it feels as if he's already written off that possibility for us. I'm OK with the idea that you never know if a relationship will last, but less keen on the idea that if I look at his previous history, I probably do know that this one won't.

DrMorbius · 24/01/2022 15:02

Hi TossaCointoYerWitcha

I am also a guy (although an old one).

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 24/01/2022 15:07

@ravenmum I see what you mean! Do you think his issue is he gets itchy feet every ten years (and so projects onto everyone else too) or is just cynical from past experience? I guess if it’s the latter he could be open to being pleasantly surprised!

2DogsOnMySofa · 24/01/2022 15:08

If it works for you both then it's fine. Any issues would arise if you wanted different things, like kids, marriage etc

Wreath21 · 24/01/2022 15:12

I have never married or lived with a partner and never will. I'm fine with dating/sex being short-term things as long as no one is misleading anyone else.
The idea that relationships must progress to moving in etc is actually really harmful. Do what works for you and the other person you're doing it with.

Wreath21 · 24/01/2022 15:14

Also, remember that it's not just a matter of 'will this partner get bored with me and move on?' You could get bored and decide you could do better and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you don't have shared finances or DC together moving on is easier, and that is a good thing.