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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

About to lose my new house - exH playing up, again

61 replies

Struggling1702 · 22/01/2022 08:42

So you may remember some of my posts on here but I'll summarise. Was married to exH for 10 years, together 16, 2 kids (10 and 6). We officially separated 2 years ago and I filed due to infidelity (repeated). It has taken me all this time and thousands of pounds to get through mediation. He changed mediator as said first one was biased, he turned up without having done any paperwork so we spent sessions filling in his forms, he lied repeatedly on his forms, especially about income as he's a self employed contractor.
Anyway he spent 9 months trying to starve me and the kids out of the family home (I have 70% custody). Mortgage rate ended and we went variable and he refuses to remortgage. He doesn't pay the mortgage (which is now 70% of my salary) and has only just started paying right level of maintenance after he admitted his actual salary in mediation. To put in perspective, it's well into 6 figures ...
Basically I gave in as I ran out of money and there's not enough equity to fight over to go to court. So I agreed to 60/40 split of equity and I'd move out and he'd get the family home for him and his girlfriend.
There is only one home where we live that I can afford that meets my needs (we live down south) and it's affordable as the train line runs at end of the garden.
Anyway I'm meant to complete next week and Wednesday I get an email from his solicitor with a list of demands for me to sign and agree or he won't give me my equity. My solicitor has said I cannot sign it. One of the demands is that I leave him the furniture and the white goods... The guy bought himself a £1400 phone the other week for god's sake!
The other issues it states he will try to pay maintenance at the right level but it will be voluntary 😤😤😤 - in other words he'll be back to lying about his income within a year. I'm so angry and completely and utterly trapped. I can't stay in the home as I can't afford it, I can't go to court as I can't afford it.

OP posts:
Itonlytakesonetree · 22/01/2022 08:45

Sign the paper, tuck prawns in the sofa covers and spill Ribena in the fridge and get rid of him. Get the CMS involved.

Struggling1702 · 22/01/2022 08:47

I can't get CMS involved as he's self employed. He pays himself very little officially for tax avoidance purposes...

OP posts:
layladomino · 22/01/2022 08:49

I'm sure someone will be along very soon with more experience of the legal aspects to this than me.

Of course he's just continuing his abuse by doing this. Remind yourself of that, and that this isn't forever. It's shocking that he is happy to see his children suffer just so he has the joy of punishing you (for dumping his sorry cheating arse).

MoiraNotRuby · 22/01/2022 08:53

Its not right, but you can get 2nd hand furniture and white goods for next to nothing on Facebook, so I would agree to that just for the sake of getting your home sorted.

He will ALWAYS be an arsehole. You can't do normal negotiations with someone like that.

My ex is very similar. I know I could have argued for more of everything and my solicitor despairs of me. But I need my energy to raise and protect my children because no one else is gonna do that. When I'm in my 50s I will do something with my career/make a business and get in a financially better place then.

Good luck- sending you strength.

Struggling1702 · 22/01/2022 08:57

Thank you. I can get over the furniture, that's just him being controlling but the maintenance is an issue. I can't afford the new house unless he pays the maintenance he's meant to.
To put in context, spoken to three solicitors and all said I should be getting the family house outright and if not, then I should get spousal maintenance because of how much he earns compared to me. So I am already accepting so so little. He can easily afford to save and get a new place but he is obsessed with getting me out of this home

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 22/01/2022 09:02

If he is obsessed with getting you out of the home can you use that as leverage in anyway?

I think I’d call his bluff and say you are now not moving as you can’t afford it.

Houstonjane · 22/01/2022 09:09

If your solicitor is telling you not to sign it, do what they say. Your ex is a piece of shit and a bully.
Phone the CMS on Monday and explain your situation.
E mail your solicitor and ask them what they suggest next.
How dare he try to starve you and the children out of the home.
DO NOT SIGN AND ASK YOUR SOLICITOR WHAT IS YOUR NEXT MOVE.

cansu · 22/01/2022 09:11

If you should be getting more you need to start being more forceful. Say that unless he stops messing around you will remain in house and will be going for more of equity and spousal maintenance. He does it because he thinks he can bully you.

Tmwtgg · 22/01/2022 09:23

DO NOT SIGN.

I'm presuming that it's a joint mortgage with his name on it?

Tell your solicitor to go back to his solicitor and tell them that you cannot agree to these demands. Therefore you will not be vacating the family home. And due to not being able to move out and your Ex not agreeing to financial terms, you are going to have to stay in the family home and not pay the mortgage. And that if Ex doesn't like it then it will need to go to court - but you'll be asking for the family home free and clear, plus spousal maintenance. And that if Ex turns up at the house to try and bully you then you will call the police and will also seek a non-molestation order.

This is a case of who blinks first. He is missing the fact that a mortgage default will fuck him as well as you. And that all you have to do is refuse to move and he can do fuck all except go through the court process to try and get an order and get you out. If his solicitor is half decent they will advise him to withdraw his demands and stop being an idiot.

CiderJolly · 22/01/2022 09:23

Find the strength from somewhere to fight him for every penny- listen to your solicitor. Let it go to court- he is abusive you should get legal aid.
He is just being a prick- he wants you out the house but at the same time can’t bear the thought of you managing fine without him so is trying to make it as tough as possible. The court will see all of this when awarding costs I hope.

sassbott · 22/01/2022 09:25

Until the financial settlement is reached, the court costs will come out on joint assets.

Multiple solicitors are telling you to not sign and that you are not getting a fair deal. You can obtain specialist loans to help cover legal costs. Or you can even self represent. No judge in a financial hearing is going to look fairly on a last minute stunt like this being pulled. And they are sympathetic to people self representing.

In your shoes, I would advise that you are not signing (or moving) as a result of this actions and that if this moves to court you will seek to also recover costs from him due to his behaviour (the solicitor will have the correct wording).

Do not make maintenance voluntary. I’m also not clear why you’re settling for the deal he is putting in front of you when multiple solicitors have said to you it’s terrible.

Lying in mediation is very different to lying in a financial hearing in court. All hearings (even FDR’s) are transcribed.

Rosebuud · 22/01/2022 09:27

I hate to say it but I think it’s very risky to buy a house based on him paying maintenance, it sounds like he’s highly likely to default and is not reliable

I’d pull out and apply for social housing, I’m sorry op,

silentpool · 22/01/2022 09:31

The judge will not approve the order if it's unfair. Do what your solicitor says and let him blink first. Or he will never stop with his behaviour. Get a fair agreement and have it sealed by the court - then if he defaults, he is in contempt.

My ex was a twat over the mediation, so I got a court date and sent a process server to his home with a summons. Cooperation was swift thereafter.

IncompleteSenten · 22/01/2022 09:32

What if you said to him that if you agree to his terms then you cannot give the children the stability they need and you will struggle to feed and clothe them so you think it's in their best interests if they live with him and you get a one bed flat and see them eow.

You keep stressing how you want the very best for the children and you love them so much you want what is best for them and since you cannot possibly manage, it's in their best interests for him to be rp.

I know this is risky. It is only something to consider if you are 100% sure that he would never in a million years want that!

QuiteAtALoss · 22/01/2022 09:40

Listen to your solicitors. It's horrible what you're going through, I have a massive amount of empathised on similar experiences. With all due respect, your fear (justified and reasonable!) may be blinding you to the legal game he's trying to play, and what your next move should be. Do your solicitors understand that he is abusing you through the courts now instead of inside your relationship? Have you got support for yourself, through a therapist or charity that understands coercive relationships and abuse?

He's a piece of shit, OP. He's not worthy of your gorgeous children. You don't need to be afraid of him anymore, but you do need a spine of steel in the face of his disgusting behaviour. Get support around you so you can stand firm.

QuiteAtALoss · 22/01/2022 09:40

Not empathised, empathy based on

NotTheGrinchAgain · 22/01/2022 09:40

DO NOT SIGN. Not yet, anyways.

I assume he is still named on the mortgage, and therefore liable.

In that case: immediately stop paying the mortgage yourself and inform your lender of the situation.

(As soon as he stopped paying you should have informed your lender that your ex refuses to pay the mortgage and has not contributed since [date]. )

If you did not already inform them, you should update them on the situation now.

If you already explained the situation to your lender, call again and reiterate you are separated frim your partner and he is financially abusive. Tell them you have run out of money to pay his contributions as well as your own, that he is still refusing to pay because he wants to try and financially ruin you by starving you and the children out of the house, as he thinks this will force you to agree to a settlement settlement that leaves you with almost nothing and him with no responsibility to pay maintenance (mention he is self-employed and lies about his income to avoid CSA). Ask your lender for a hardship stoppage so that you get a break from mortgage repayments. Make that as long as you can - 3 months or 6 months if possible.

THEN you get solicitor to write letter to mediator and ex's solicitor saying, you have arranged a mortgage holiday and you will not be blackmailed into reducing the divorce settlement at the 11th hour. In fact, your ex's aggressive demands have made you realise you are being financially abused by your ex and you believe you are settling for too little, and so you want to go BACK to mediation. In the letter mention make sure you mention the amount of mortgage contribution unpaid by your ex as his share should be taken out of the final settlement and given back to you. Also in the letter mention that when the mortgage holiday ends on [DATE] you will not make any further payments due to the length of time Ex is taking to reach a reasonable settlement. CALL HiS BLUFF. If neither of you pay the mortgage BOTH your credit ratings will be ruined and that will be to his detriment, possibly more so if he is self-employed. It takes a while to repossess a house. And there are costs that he will have to share. I'd let it go right to the wire, personally. Don't let him win.

Meantime ask your lender if you can kick off steps to convert to an interest-only mortgage. If they say Yes it is possible, you can document these steps you are taking. Your ex will obviously refuse to agree to sign an interest-only mortgage as it would extend the amount of time you can afford to stay in the house and hold out on the unfair divorce settlement. But by taking steps to TRY to arrange an affordable mortgage, you can show the mediator AND your lender you have been very reasonable: you paid the whole mortgage when he stopped; you kept the Lender informed; you sought means to make the mortgage affordable by going interest-only (which we expect he'll refuse to agree to as he knows it will mean you can stay in the house and hold out on the divorce settlement).

At THAT point, you get your solicitor to write back to Ex and Mediator outlining how reasonable you have been, and how ex has frustrated your efforts, financially abused you by refusing to pay his share of mortgage or arrange a more affordable mortgage, and tried to blackmail you into a worst settlement after the mediation.

The absolute key to this is informing the lender at every step. They could be very helpful, I expect. There also situations where you can apply for a court order to remove partner from the deeds of a property, your solicitor could advise on this, if all other steps have been exhausted.

QuiteAtALoss · 22/01/2022 09:43

@NotTheGrinchAgain

DO NOT SIGN. Not yet, anyways.

I assume he is still named on the mortgage, and therefore liable.

In that case: immediately stop paying the mortgage yourself and inform your lender of the situation.

(As soon as he stopped paying you should have informed your lender that your ex refuses to pay the mortgage and has not contributed since [date]. )

If you did not already inform them, you should update them on the situation now.

If you already explained the situation to your lender, call again and reiterate you are separated frim your partner and he is financially abusive. Tell them you have run out of money to pay his contributions as well as your own, that he is still refusing to pay because he wants to try and financially ruin you by starving you and the children out of the house, as he thinks this will force you to agree to a settlement settlement that leaves you with almost nothing and him with no responsibility to pay maintenance (mention he is self-employed and lies about his income to avoid CSA). Ask your lender for a hardship stoppage so that you get a break from mortgage repayments. Make that as long as you can - 3 months or 6 months if possible.

THEN you get solicitor to write letter to mediator and ex's solicitor saying, you have arranged a mortgage holiday and you will not be blackmailed into reducing the divorce settlement at the 11th hour. In fact, your ex's aggressive demands have made you realise you are being financially abused by your ex and you believe you are settling for too little, and so you want to go BACK to mediation. In the letter mention make sure you mention the amount of mortgage contribution unpaid by your ex as his share should be taken out of the final settlement and given back to you. Also in the letter mention that when the mortgage holiday ends on [DATE] you will not make any further payments due to the length of time Ex is taking to reach a reasonable settlement. CALL HiS BLUFF. If neither of you pay the mortgage BOTH your credit ratings will be ruined and that will be to his detriment, possibly more so if he is self-employed. It takes a while to repossess a house. And there are costs that he will have to share. I'd let it go right to the wire, personally. Don't let him win.

Meantime ask your lender if you can kick off steps to convert to an interest-only mortgage. If they say Yes it is possible, you can document these steps you are taking. Your ex will obviously refuse to agree to sign an interest-only mortgage as it would extend the amount of time you can afford to stay in the house and hold out on the unfair divorce settlement. But by taking steps to TRY to arrange an affordable mortgage, you can show the mediator AND your lender you have been very reasonable: you paid the whole mortgage when he stopped; you kept the Lender informed; you sought means to make the mortgage affordable by going interest-only (which we expect he'll refuse to agree to as he knows it will mean you can stay in the house and hold out on the divorce settlement).

At THAT point, you get your solicitor to write back to Ex and Mediator outlining how reasonable you have been, and how ex has frustrated your efforts, financially abused you by refusing to pay his share of mortgage or arrange a more affordable mortgage, and tried to blackmail you into a worst settlement after the mediation.

The absolute key to this is informing the lender at every step. They could be very helpful, I expect. There also situations where you can apply for a court order to remove partner from the deeds of a property, your solicitor could advise on this, if all other steps have been exhausted.

This is a BRILLIANT post.
MushMonster · 22/01/2022 09:47

Is the mortgage in his name too?
If so, play the same game.
Stay, with no date to go anywhere, and do not pay the mortgage or only your part, check with solicitor.
Get him into debt.
At least, threaten to do so and see what he does! Turn the table around.
By the way, I would demand he family home for myself and the children, and he to cover all your legal costs.

Journeynotdestination · 22/01/2022 09:50

Is there any way your solicitor can get the maintenance amount court ordered? Mine was to get me on my feet with my mortgage. You should stand a good chance.

MoiraNotRuby · 22/01/2022 09:52

Reading your update - fuck him. Fight the selfish bastard for everything you should be getting. I'm sure you feel broken but I promise you are not. You have an army of angry women at your metaphorical side.

draramallama · 22/01/2022 11:41

I’m also not clear why you’re settling for the deal he is putting in front of you when multiple solicitors have said to you it’s terrible.

Likewise (and I recall previous threads). Acquiescing to a coercive controller does not get them to stop controlling you, it just results in them seeking more extreme ways to control you - as he has just demonstrated.

You are on a hiding to nothing if you keep trying to appease him because nothing you give him will ever be enough - he will continue to push. It's not working for you so change your approach.

Maze76 · 22/01/2022 11:55

Take it to court!
Please , please, listen to your solicitor &do not sign the paperwork. Your husband obviously gets a kick out of making you suffer, but like others have said you should be entitled to more than you are accepting.

Struggling1702 · 22/01/2022 12:15

Thanks everyone. I have accepted it has to go to court but it scares me and I hate the thought of all the debt I'm going to get into as for those asking why I accepted in the first place, because I don't care about money, as long as I can live and provide for my children. My happiness and freedom from him is more important and the thought of having to wait another 2 years for this fills me with dread

OP posts:
Struggling1702 · 22/01/2022 12:50

@Journeynotdestination yes this is what she is trying for, court ordered maintenance and what was agreed in mediation... He changed this to best endeavours and voluntary payment hence her saying I can't sign it

OP posts:
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