About to lose my new house - exH playing up, again

[Struggling1702]

So you may remember some of my posts on here but I'll summarise. Was married to exH for 10 years, together 16, 2 kids (10 and 6). We officially separated 2 years ago and I filed due to infidelity (repeated). It has taken me all this time and thousands of pounds to get through mediation. He changed mediator as said first one was biased, he turned up without having done any paperwork so we spent sessions filling in his forms, he lied repeatedly on his forms, especially about income as he's a self employed contractor.
Anyway he spent 9 months trying to starve me and the kids out of the family home (I have 70% custody). Mortgage rate ended and we went variable and he refuses to remortgage. He doesn't pay the mortgage (which is now 70% of my salary) and has only just started paying right level of maintenance after he admitted his actual salary in mediation. To put in perspective, it's well into 6 figures ...
Basically I gave in as I ran out of money and there's not enough equity to fight over to go to court. So I agreed to 60/40 split of equity and I'd move out and he'd get the family home for him and his girlfriend.
There is only one home where we live that I can afford that meets my needs (we live down south) and it's affordable as the train line runs at end of the garden.
Anyway I'm meant to complete next week and Wednesday I get an email from his solicitor with a list of demands for me to sign and agree or he won't give me my equity. My solicitor has said I cannot sign it. One of the demands is that I leave him the furniture and the white goods... The guy bought himself a £1400 phone the other week for god's sake!
The other issues it states he will try to pay maintenance at the right level but it will be voluntary 😤😤😤 - in other words he'll be back to lying about his income within a year. I'm so angry and completely and utterly trapped. I can't stay in the home as I can't afford it, I can't go to court as I can't afford it.

Do not sign. And do file to go to court - it will show him that you are not backing down.
Plan to represent yourself in the court.
In parallel - stop paying the mortgage and force the sale of the house.

You can’t rely on him paying your maintenance - so you can’t buy a house if the only way to afford it is the maintenance.
Cut your losses. Get what you can out of this house and if you have to move to a cheaper area - so be it.

Spending money and time on mediation with someone like him is pointless. He is just using the time to break you. Don’t let him.

This is why self care and strong support for YOU is so important. You need to look after tiurself, if only for the children's sake. He sounds like an evil bugger indeed, trying to break you in half with the stress of it all. Don't let him do it. Play the game.

@Struggling1702, I have been in your shoes and know how incredibly stressful it is.

Court is often the only way to deal with abusers, there is no reasoning or negotiating as they are not seeking compromise. Don't fear court as whilst it's not easy it's a process that will deliver a fairer outcome. In my case (after multiple court hearings) ex pulled out just before the final hearing as knew he couldn't win. It did mean extra costs for both of us but it was the only way and I feel pleased that I stood up to him. If anything I wish I had been tougher however like you I just wanted to move on with my life.

You may get a better outcome so trust your legal team and follow their suggestions.

Do not sign it. My ex is self employed but actually pays more than the CMS states as he wants the kids to be ok. Your ex knows full well that if it goes to court he will lose so stick to your guns.

@layladomino

I'm sure someone will be along very soon with more experience of the legal aspects to this than me.

Of course he's just continuing his abuse by doing this. Remind yourself of that, and that this isn't forever. It's shocking that he is happy to see his children suffer just so he has the joy of punishing you (for dumping his sorry cheating arse).

How is he managing to get a mortgage? Mortgage companies want proof of your earnings from tax returns

Don't sign it, if needs be you can self represent at court.

I can't advise regarding the house. But would listen to your solicitor.

Regarding CMS. My understanding is if it is court ordered it only stand for a year then it can go to the Cms. As you are aware self employed nrp basically get to pay the bear minimum and can dick the system about. I'm still waiting for an enforcement order after over 3 years of basically not paying.

@unicornsarereal72, you can have a clause that says each party will not go to CMS for a period of time. However you are right to raise it as that's usually the get out for this deadbeat Dads.

@Wfhquery because it is a special mortgage for self employed people, based on the turnover of his company. This isn't unusual...

Evening everyone. Just to update... My solicitor has been given the go ahead to send him a letter first thing telling him he either agrees to my terms (court ordered maintenance until.our youngest turns 18) or that's it we're going out court. Not going to lie, I'm a mess, not sleeping, so short tempered and teary.
Hate the fact I'm like this and the kids just think it's cos I'm shit and not as fun as daddy. I wish they could understand I am working my way arse off in the week (40 hours which is more than exH), I have them 70% of the time, I do 90% of school runs, I do ALL the homework with them and ferrying to and from clubs, and I am stressing myself ot massively because of how their dad is treating me. But they can't know that, so they just get frustrated that I'm tired and grumpy. 🥺

I hope you're not lying to cover for him to them? Obviously 10 and 6 is too young for all the details, but accurate age appropriate information is in their best interests.

My happiness and freedom from him is more important and the thought of having to wait another 2 years for this fills me with dread

If you want this, really want this. Go to court.

It doesn’t stop when you don’t have a mortgage with him. You have children, he will forever try and control you like a puppet. Court will be the only way that it will get through to him you are deadly serious and that you are stronger without him.

It is hideous. But it works, and with every hearing, with every rubbish day, your strength, confidence and ability to treat him like water off a duck’s back grows.

You can self represent if you need to. You need to tie him up in knots - exactly what previous poster has said, you pincer movement him into position and then you show the court exactly what he is.

And on the kids front - when we went through court, when there were threats and solicitors letters, it was enough to end the day with everyone safe, fed and clean.

Remember that, because there’s some pretty dark days ahead and if you’ve got even remotely high standards you run the risk of beating yourself up over it.

If they are safe, clean, fed and they get a hug and a hot chocolate, it really is enough. They won’t suddenly combust if they don’t go to scouts, but you might if you try and do it all.

@Struggling1702, it is shite and those of us unfortunate enough to divorce controlling bullies can relate. Narcisstics seem to thrive on conflict whilst also playing the victim.

There are now lots of resources online about divorcing a narcisst, suggest you review so his tactics won't be too much of a shock.

@NotTheGrinchAgain
Brilliant

Thanks everyone... These comments made me even more teary 🤣.
@draramallama I don't lie to them but I certainly don't tell them the truth. For example they know we're moving as I don't earn enough to keep this house, not that daddy has been starving us out. They don't get that I do earn a good wage, but that housing here is crazy and that there is abnormal in what he earns and that he cheats the system to avoid paying tax!
They wouldn't understand the complexities of child maintenance or why he should even pay for them, let alone that he controls me with it. Our youngest is very protective of him, it's often poor daddy this, poor daddy that. So, they just think it's my fault 🥺. They also know I left him because he made "mistakes", so again, my choice as far as they're concerned. Don't get me wrong we have an amazing relationship but they do get frustrated with me being so utterly exhausted all the time and they comment on how fun daddy is

@NotTheGrinchAgain

I wish I’d had you and MN back in the day.

Keep kicking OP.

I don’t know why you’ve spent so much time and money trying to avoid court. This could have been over a long time ago, and more in your favour.

Stand firm and let your solicitor do their job.

@NotTheGrinchAgain

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever read in MN.

Just one point. I expect you know this already, but court ordered child maintenance is only binding for one year; after that, either parent can go to CMS instead, and the CMS assessment replaces the court order. So it would not be a good plan to build a financial future on child maintenance from this man.

Spousal maintenance, on the other hand, is binding for as long as the court orders it.

The court is able to order 'global' maintenance, which means you get x amount for spousal and child maintenance combined. If the child maintenance part is re-assessed by CMS, the spousal part goes up or down accordingly to keep the total amount the same.

@fernsandlilies thank you. Yes we have been fighting for global maintenance... He outright refused. He said he'd go bankrupt and lose his job before that happened. He did actually stop working for a few months last year... Timing was very dubious so I know he would do this. We're going for it being written as an undertaking which isn't ideal but is better than just one year of court ordered. Honestly, the whole CMS for self-employed things is a joke. Why can he get a 500k mortgage using company accounts on the one hand, but then only have to pay minimum maintenance based off his "salary"

[quote Struggling1702]@Wfhquery because it is a special mortgage for self employed people, based on the turnover of his company. This isn't unusual...[/quote]
I work in that field and this doesn’t sound right. He is either self employed or has a limited company they are two different things. I initially thought he was self employed and you meant he was suppressing his income by doing cash in hand or similar. However from what you’ve said now it sounds like he has a limited income and is suppressing his personal income by limiting the amount he is drawing as salary/ dividends whereas the company is making a higher profit. This is perfectly acceptable if people don’t need the money they are not obligated to pay themselves from the company even though they could if they wanted. This is why people can get a “special mortgage” based on their companies income as if it was their own. However if this is the case I think your maintenance also needs to be based on this, maintence etc is not something I know a lot about but can you speak to solicitor on this

@Wfhquery thank you, that's really helpful. Yes ,you're right he owns a limited company but he's the only employee, hence why he says he's self employed. Honestly, I don't get it, it's bloody confusing. But yes he pays himself a base salary and dividends but he also puts thousands of living expenses through his company, so his personal living costs are very very small. This is the threat he has over me... If I ness him around (as he calls it) then I'll have to go to CMS and he will pay himself minimum wage so I get next to nothing.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My DP was also with a difficult partner who refused to negotiate on the finances for years & it went to court, the judge stood up to her & now it's all sorted. Please don't be afraid of this process it's there to ensure you get a fair outcome, they will see what he's doing a mile off. Based on the information you have provided 60% is not fair for you & your children. Best of luck

You absolutely must fight for what you are entitled to from this marriage as it will affect your future. I wouldn't be relying on maintenance as other pps have said as in my experience he will use it to take you back to court at every opportunity. My exH tried to use our DDs final years school fees as leverage to try to stop my joint lives maintenance. Then ramped up his mortgage/outgoings and pleaded poverty. You are better off taking more assets including pension share than maintenance. You can use the tax free portion at age 55 to pay off any mortgage. You can also self represent at the first two hearings to save money and use a direct access barrister for the final hearings.

Also don't be put off by the only paying himself peanuts bollocks. Judges have been there done that with this nonsense everyday. Mine came up with a very convoluted fairytale about why his £8k a month income was actually only £4k. Judge took no notice whatsoever in the final judgement.