Boyfriend deleted messages

[seaker]

Newbie here 👋🏻
I’d love to get some perspectives on a situation pls.
Scenario-
I’m out to dinner with boyfriend (of 3 years) and another couple. He’s showing me a photo on his phone, a text comes in from a girl’s name I didn’t know- he instantly turned screen away / swiped it off. We were in company at time so I didn’t mention it but when I asked later he explained who it was (someone he’d dated 4 years ago, it never went anywhere and he’d stayed in touch with as a friend. Although he’d never mentioned the friendship to me).
I was kind of fine with the explanation but not okay with the fact that he had deleted their entire conversations on WhatsApp.
Tried to talk about it since and he says it’s nothing and he has no intention of being in touch with her again. Heh?
He now won’t answer my questions and says I’m getting paranoid. In particular he won’t answer whether she knows he’s in a relationship!
Am I being pedantic and over-anxious about this?
I can’t let it go yet but he won’t give answers.
Our relationship was great before this … planning a future etc but it has really shaken me. I can’t talk about it to my friends as I don’t want them to think badly of him if it all turns out to be innocent.
I’d love any suggestions or perspectives 🙏🏻

The joys of men, makes me glad I'm single
He's doing the dirty and messaging her stuff you'd rather not know.

He's hiding. Otherwise he'd be open and reassuring.

He deleted the messages for a reason

Quite simply, you only delete messages if you have something to hide. There was something in there he didn't want you to see.

Sorry OP

If he has nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding stuff.

Huge red flag, I’m so so sorry.

He has clearly crossed a boundary and is now trying to paint you as ‘paranoid’. This is gaslighting. What a creep!

He's lying to you.

Get rid now. He's a liar and telling you you're paranoid is gaslighting.

When he dumps you in 6 months time because he's "fallen out of love" it'll be your fault for having pushed him away and been accusing him of things he definitely has hasn't done.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

The chat between them is, at best, inappropriate - that’s why it’s all been deleted. You’re not paranoid.

He's a liar. If the texts were innocent he wouldn't have deleted them. I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Yeah this isn't good. Of course it's fine for him to have female friends, even ex's

BUT

Why, after 3 years of dating had you not heard of this friend?
Why did he delete all their messages?
Why won't he discuss it? Even to answer your question about whether she knows about you.

He will try to make out you're over-reacting / unsecure, but your response is very understandable based on how he's acting. If their messages were the messages of friends he wouldn't have deleted them.

So you know that he's said stuff that you wouldn't like.

Him calling you paranoid for asking very reasonable questions is awful. You've done nothing wrong at all, and he's trying to make you think this is your fault.

Does he often refuse to admit he's in the wrong?

He’s hiding something. Either inappropriate messages or more.

There will always be someone he’s deleting. Difference is you won’t know.

Men like this don’t change. He’s gaslighting you

Someone who genuinely had nothing to hide wouldn’t be angry or accusatory, they’d just show you…and apologise for causing alarm.

He’s trying to deflect attention from his wrongdoing by making it yours.
Lying, self-preserving wanker.

Of course you're paranoid - he deleted the messages and turned the phone away when she text!

Well whatever he is doing he is going to be a lit more careful at hiding it now. Sorry OP but if this is a deal breaker tell him. Do not turn into a detective it will drive you crazy. Step back and say to him that you do not trust him and need a break to think it over. Then fully expect to hear that she has been chasing him, etc. He was just being polite. Its a weak guy that keeps a back up in reserve. Raise your bar. Do not waste another 3 years.

@GiantSpider

Him calling you paranoid for asking very reasonable questions is awful. You've done nothing wrong at all, and he's trying to make you think this is your fault.

Does he often refuse to admit he's in the wrong?

...he has been known to admit when wrong but he's acting different this time. And I've never seen him shout like he did over this. I have a big knot in my belly reading these but so grateful to hear you all feel the same way. It's a relief! I'm crying now

He now won’t answer my questions and says I’m getting paranoid.
He is blaming your mental health for him having secret conversations with him ex. He sounds awful.

I bet if you actually thought about it, there would be other things about the relationship that haven't been quite right.

Hes definitely not innocent

Aw dont cry OP a lot of us sadly have been there be kind to yourself and definitely tell your friends and get real life support. At this point he should be bending over to reassure and own his mistake, the fact he is not is not great?

Imagine it were you doing it.

If it were innocent, you'd be quick to prove your innocence, because you'd recognise how it could look, wouldn't want to hurt him, may be concerned he might end the relationship over it.

If it weren't innocent, you say or do whatever you felt necessary to avoid explanation or proof for the same reasons.

But then you probably wouldn't be deleting messages in the first place would you? Because you'd have no need to.

The fact he's acting different to normal, the shouting, all show you that something isn't right.

If he was 100% innocent, and this was all a weird misunderstanding, he would understand how it looked to you, and would be at pains to prove there was nothing to worry about. He'd be showing you the messages, not deleting them. He'd be explainaing why he had a friend you'd never heard of. He'd be saying 'I can see how it looks. I'm really sorry. This is what's happened....'

But he is shouting and being evasive, deleting messages and telling you you're paranoid.

Those are the clear signs of someone who's almost been caught out and doing all they can to get out of it. And if that means making you think you're going mad, and being insecure forevemore after, he's fine with that.

We’ve all been where you are. Please don’t cry. Know your worth. You are worth so much more than a seedy, creepy man who sneaks around messaging another woman. Use that emotion to get yourself emotionally and mentally safe and that means away from him.

I don't think the deleting messages is necessarily a red flag because I delete most messages I get, I only keep ones from my boyfriend or if there is something I need to remember. So for me, deleting = the message is not important.

But his evasiveness would worry me and if you felt secure before but now don't, I wouldn't ignore your gut feeling.