Boyfriend deleted messages

[seaker]

Newbie here 👋🏻
I’d love to get some perspectives on a situation pls.
Scenario-
I’m out to dinner with boyfriend (of 3 years) and another couple. He’s showing me a photo on his phone, a text comes in from a girl’s name I didn’t know- he instantly turned screen away / swiped it off. We were in company at time so I didn’t mention it but when I asked later he explained who it was (someone he’d dated 4 years ago, it never went anywhere and he’d stayed in touch with as a friend. Although he’d never mentioned the friendship to me).
I was kind of fine with the explanation but not okay with the fact that he had deleted their entire conversations on WhatsApp.
Tried to talk about it since and he says it’s nothing and he has no intention of being in touch with her again. Heh?
He now won’t answer my questions and says I’m getting paranoid. In particular he won’t answer whether she knows he’s in a relationship!
Am I being pedantic and over-anxious about this?
I can’t let it go yet but he won’t give answers.
Our relationship was great before this … planning a future etc but it has really shaken me. I can’t talk about it to my friends as I don’t want them to think badly of him if it all turns out to be innocent.
I’d love any suggestions or perspectives 🙏🏻

Ugh. Sorry op. All very familiar behaviour. He's up to no good.

You sound lovely and like you've got a good head on your shoulders OP.

See it as the universe doing you a favour. It hurts like hell but it's a blessing in disguise. That alarm bells ringing/sinking stomach feeling is your intuition trying to protect you. If there was nothing in it he would not have deleted the messages or turned his phone away so quickly. What shitty behaviour. Walk away and pay no attention to the inevitable gaslighting

Trust your instincts. There is something going on. He is trying to hide it from you and is gaslighting you while you are asking perfectly reasonable questions...

If there was nothing going on, he would just have showed you the message and said this was someone he dated some time ago who was now trying to get back in touch. He would have made it clear he was not going to continue chatting with her.

Probably a case that he is still interested in this woman and she doesn't know he is in a relationship and they have been reconnecting.

Protesting too much.

If it was nothing, he'd explain and get upset and apologise and try to reassure you. The fact that he's trying to turn it onto you and blowing up at you, acting like you're the one that's being unreasonable and trying to gaslight you, is in my experience evidence enough.

He’s gaslighting you.

Please don’t cry op. He isn’t worth the steam off your piss, let alone your tears. At least you’ve found out who he really is now. In time you will come to see this as a lucky escape xx

He is dishonest scum.

Do not believe a word out of his mouth.

He is hiding stuff.

Do not waste your precious life planning a future with him.

You will regret it.

Be glad that you are now seeing him for who he is.

Shouting you down and calling you paranoid?

This is the REAL him.

You deserve better.

Does he normally delete conversations ? If not then yes it's looking dodgy

you caught him out, he is still messaging her, we dont know what but the fact he dosent want you to see it means he has been caught out otherwise why wasnt he open about it.

Sounds just like my STBXH. He was always HUGELY possessive over his phone, it was never out of his sight. I had to take a call on it once, and he followed me around the whole time - clearly he was shitting himself over me having a nosey.

He lied to my face many times about who he was texting (I'd seen the bloody names flash up!) and yes, deleted everything. He was texting a former fling throughout my pregnancy and beyond, because he "felt sorry for her" 🙄🙄

I put up with 10 years of this. One of the most pathetic things to ever come out of his mouth was a whiny "But you weren't paying me enough attention". Fucking invertebrate.

He'd been the same with all his exes. Terminally weak and gutless, with a nasty case of the white knights. Trust your instincts here, OP.

I’d back way off from him, become distant, start protecting yourself. Sounds like he’s lying, so sorry. Having been with a liar & cheat, the way he’s behaved about this is classic liars behaviour. Gaslighting you too!

Shifty phone behavior
Deleting
Stonewalling
Shouting
Blame shifting

Speaker, he is presenting himself as single to this Woman, and is indeed up to something with her. An honest, committed Partner would not react this way in response to your perfectly reasonable approach.

I wouldn’t ask/look for more information. His attitude and behavior speak volumes and are unacceptable. Walk away and leave them to it.

He chatting shit and definitely hiding something from you. Dump him

Sorry—Seaker, not Speaker

@MsDogLady

Sorry—Seaker, not Speaker

😂

Thank you for these - it is so useful to hear different perspectives/ reassuring that I'm not blowing it out of proportion. When emotions are involved it's hard to be objective.
Responses really appreciated💗

Guilty and I'm so sorry for you as you sound lovely. Dump the cheating rat, he will hopefully learn some life lessons and you will be happier.

@Moooning

You sound lovely and like you've got a good head on your shoulders OP.

See it as the universe doing you a favour. It hurts like hell but it's a blessing in disguise. That alarm bells ringing/sinking stomach feeling is your intuition trying to protect you. If there was nothing in it he would not have deleted the messages or turned his phone away so quickly. What shitty behaviour. Walk away and pay no attention to the inevitable gaslighting

Exactly this. You deserve so much better OP. Better to be single than with a gaslighting cheat who tries to make you ignore your intuition. He's up to no good. I wish I'd listened to my gut previously. Would've saved myself a lot of heartache xx

Trust your gut OP.

How are you doing OP?
Hope you're ok x

He's hiding something otherwise he wouldn't be hiding the messages.

The answer is usually the most obvious

@totallyoutnumbered

How are you doing OP? Hope you're ok x

Thanks for checking in- totallyoutnumbered I'm doing okay- relieved I'm not going crazy! Just considering my options / best exit strategy. Grateful for everyone's encouragement

Defo dodgy op. Whats your living situation

@Jk24

Defo dodgy op. Whats your living situation

... not together- thankfully!

Yeah he's either cheating or trying to.

If someone had texted me while with my partner, I'd be more than happy to show it. A real friend, it would be some meme or gossip, not anything worth hiding, deleting, and shouting about.