Boyfriend deleted messages

[seaker]

Newbie here 👋🏻
I’d love to get some perspectives on a situation pls.
Scenario-
I’m out to dinner with boyfriend (of 3 years) and another couple. He’s showing me a photo on his phone, a text comes in from a girl’s name I didn’t know- he instantly turned screen away / swiped it off. We were in company at time so I didn’t mention it but when I asked later he explained who it was (someone he’d dated 4 years ago, it never went anywhere and he’d stayed in touch with as a friend. Although he’d never mentioned the friendship to me).
I was kind of fine with the explanation but not okay with the fact that he had deleted their entire conversations on WhatsApp.
Tried to talk about it since and he says it’s nothing and he has no intention of being in touch with her again. Heh?
He now won’t answer my questions and says I’m getting paranoid. In particular he won’t answer whether she knows he’s in a relationship!
Am I being pedantic and over-anxious about this?
I can’t let it go yet but he won’t give answers.
Our relationship was great before this … planning a future etc but it has really shaken me. I can’t talk about it to my friends as I don’t want them to think badly of him if it all turns out to be innocent.
I’d love any suggestions or perspectives 🙏🏻

If there are no children and not living together, ring him, facetime, or text him to end it.

My ex boyfriend has started messaging me. Really banal, pointless stuff. We haven’t spoken in 12 years so it seems completely bizarre. He’s trying to be all chatty and pally but I’m happily married with three children so it just annoys me. I’ve got stuff to do and a life he has no idea about.
I’m polite and answer his questions but I don’t ask him any in return.
I told my husband and deleted the messages. I just didn’t want the ex boyfriend’s name on my screen every time I opened my messages up.
He’s tried to engage me in a back and forth twice now since October. I’ll block him if he tries it again.

So, I don’t think deleting the messages is necessarily a problem but the secrecy definitely is. I told my husband straight away.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

My ex boyfriend has started messaging me. Really banal, pointless stuff. We haven’t spoken in 12 years so it seems completely bizarre. He’s trying to be all chatty and pally but I’m happily married with three children so it just annoys me. I’ve got stuff to do and a life he has no idea about. I’m polite and answer his questions but I don’t ask him any in return. I told my husband and deleted the messages. I just didn’t want the ex boyfriend’s name on my screen every time I opened my messages up. He’s tried to engage me in a back and forth twice now since October. I’ll block him if he tries it again.

So, I don’t think deleting the messages is necessarily a problem but the secrecy definitely is. I told my husband straight away.

So, I don’t think deleting the messages is necessarily a problem but the secrecy definitely is. I told my husband straight away....

Exactly that!
Thanks

@RantyAunty

If there are no children and not living together, ring him, facetime, or text him to end it.

Thanks for your care

How are you op

@Jk24

How are you op

Doing okay thanks- I can see clearly now the tears have gone! Feeling so over it all. We are totally done. Really glad to have such strong support that my feelings were correct and to trust my intuition. What a difference this has made... very glad to have found these forums- a great support! Thanks for asking

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm

Sounds just like my STBXH. He was always HUGELY possessive over his phone, it was never out of his sight. I had to take a call on it once, and he followed me around the whole time - clearly he was shitting himself over me having a nosey.

He lied to my face many times about who he was texting (I'd seen the bloody names flash up!) and yes, deleted everything. He was texting a former fling throughout my pregnancy and beyond, because he "felt sorry for her" 🙄🙄

I put up with 10 years of this. One of the most pathetic things to ever come out of his mouth was a whiny "But you weren't paying me enough attention". Fucking invertebrate.

He'd been the same with all his exes. Terminally weak and gutless, with a nasty case of the white knights. Trust your instincts here, OP.

OMG- don't think I read this reply properly at the weekend. What a nightmare! Glad to hear you moved in and all of the above give me so much hope for my future... & away from this kind of nonsense! Makes me think there should be a website for sharing and shaming this kind of behaviour- Like a trustpilot for the ex partners! Anyone agree??

Sorry- I meant to write "move on" NOT move in! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hope you're okay. The shouting and defensiveness would be the reg flag too many fit me

Yes thanks - I'm doing ok.
Obviously sadness comes in waves but mainly very relieved. It wasn't a bad relationship which makes it a bit harder to break up ... although it isn't when you can see things from a new perspective.

Just so grateful for the advice shared and clarity this has brought to me 💗