Has anyone pulled child out of nursery? Not settling well

[getback2normal]

Hi,

Just wanted to know if any parents of Highly Sensitive Children (my boy aged 3.5 years) is not settling or doing too well at nursery. His character and temperament fits that of Highly Sensitive.

I'm really struggling with what to do.

I'm currently looking into homeschooling him? Something I know nothing about.

I want to avoid making negative associations for him with nursery school and allow him to blossom and bloom in his own time.

The current UK school system doesn't provide much for children that are sensitive. The nurseries/ schools I've seen are loud/noisy, aggressive in terms of competing etc.,

Really struggling and need to make a few decisions here.

He has started a new nursery after coming out sad and soiled each time at his old one.

His new one have already commented how sensitive and empathetic he is.

Any parents help with this? Advice greatly appreciated.

How long have you given him to try and settle in? What happens at pick up and drop off? How do they say he’s been once you’ve left?

My ds is quite sensitive and empathetic (I think all well-adjusted, attached children are) and has loved nursery. He started at 11 months and is now turning 4. In my experience, nurseries/schools are not necessarily loud and competitive and he should not be coming out soiled (dirty yes from playing, but not wee/poo). Ours is lovely and nurturing, and our experience with school has been the same.

It sounds like maybe your first nursery wasn't great and then you've changed him, which is no doubt going to be unsettling. It definitely can take 3 months or even more to settle in. I wouldn't automatically assume that taking him out of a social environment is the best thing. Kids like to socialise and they need to make friends and and share and learn to deal with adversity/develop resilience.

The first nursery he seemed to settle on, but for the past month he was dragging his feet and said it made him sad.. also he had sand thrown in his eyes, which he told me, the staff never did but admitted it happened once I bought it up.. fine but I'd like to know what goes on, good or bad so I can chat with him if needed..

We started him in a new one just after Christmas and he has been fine up until last week, started really crying asking for his dummies back, cuddling me to fall asleep..

I totally agree about building tolerance but I don't want to cause too much stress too early on in his life..

Be very careful attaching labels on to your child. Unless it is a condition that a doctor has diagnosed - and even then you have to be careful not to use at as a label or defining characteristic.

Your child is an individual. No better or worse than any other. Some strengths, some weaknesses, and these will ebb and flow through life. A 'sensitive' child can become a forthright adult. A loud child can develop in to a thoughtful, shy adult.

And it is very normal for 3 year olds to be overwhelmed by nursery and other group settings. I think it would be a big mistake to decide that they aren't suited to it as a result of a few attempts. One of the best gifts you can give a child is the ability to socialise, to interact and communicate with their peers, and you would reduce their ability if you home-schooled them.

It can take months to settle in. Again - very normal. If your child is indeed unusually empathetic (and even if they are, it doesn't mean they always will be) then they will more likely benefit from being sociable - empathetic people tend to be more sociable.

When you say soiled what do you mean?

How long has he been at the new setting and how often does he go?

You say just after Christmas, most nurseries didn’t go back til early January. That’s only 2 weeks ago?

I wouldn’t label all schools as loud and competitive. Generally smaller one form schools are quieter as less pupils attend and some schools have a gentle approach to introducing education to children.
I feel you might be projecting a little bit. However I would in the first instance speak to the nursery about your concerns.
My children attend a childminder as I found childminders much more nurturing then a standard nursery. I’ve felt like my child was priority compared to a key work who might be watching several other children.

I work in a nursery. Honestly I would give it more time, some children settle quickly and some take longer. How is his relationship with his keyworker?

No I would not home school him, school is really, really important. Give him time, it’s a big adjustment. If he needs a bit of extra comfort from you in the meantime then by all means give it.

DD was similar (much older now) but the amazing preschool she was at and her keyworker treated her as an individual and alongside me came up with a plan to help her settle in.

This (and I apologise it was 10 years ago) included having a clock and knowing where she was in the day and the steps she needed to complete almost to get to the end of the day. Reassurance that I would come back etc.

But it was working together - speaking to them and both of us working on it been a calm handover. She definitely picked up on my anxiety and defined goals for her.

The same went through to reception.

fine but I'd like to know what goes on, good or bad so I can chat with him if needed

Be very careful though with this. I worked to make sure she was comfortable but you cannot know everything that goes on. Constantly chatting and asking is going to be helping either.

It sounds like his first nursery wasn't great so it would be well worth giving it some time at the new one. No nursery should be sending him out soiled - that's negligent. Would you be able to home school him long term? Are you sure it would be best for him? They do need to find their own way in the world and I'm sure he will find his friends and his comfort zone wherever he is. My 4 year old DS is sensitive and empathic and a natural homebody, but he is also thriving and happy in Reception.

Why would you need to homeschool him now? He's 3.5. If you want him to stay home with you (and don't have to work), just keep him at home for now. If you think he won't be ready for reception, that's a different question. For what it's worth, my DS is very sensitive and empathetic (at least according to nursery staff) but he loves nursery. He spends a lot of time sat 'reading' books with one or two close friends. He also loves playing in their 'home' corner and making pretend meals etc. A good nursery has a balance of activities for children of all temperaments.

I wouldn't want to home school him now I guess I'm thinking that way for when he starts reception..? If the traditional school structure isn't working..

He started his most recent/new nursery on 6th Jan..

He told me today, he had a fall and grazed his knee (which he did) he also told me that when he was crying for me the main teacher told him to "stop crying" and that made him feel sad..

I suppose you can't always know what's going on but I do worry.. he interacts a lot with the teachers but not the children, literally hangs out or stands next to the teachers..

I just feel like the nursery settings are not quite working for him..

I'm not projecting, at least I don't think I am, I just see what he responds well to..

Not all places want to cater to sensitivities or different needs.. most see children as a blanket/all the same

It's quite hard to tell from your posts but as they go on it starts to feel like your expectations are unreasonable. Of course a nursery should be treating a child as an individual but they can't and shouldn't be treating them as if they're the only one there. Realistically no nursery will suit him exactly for 100% of the time precisely because all children are individual and a nursery has to try and work with all the children. To me this is part of the point - not just socialisation but also spending time in an environment that doesn't revolve around them in the way a home with one child can often revolve around them. I think that's not just ok but vital to expose a child to.

I have a friend who sounds similar to you, OP. Wants to know every detail of every minute her child is in school, doesn’t think school does enough but then when they do what she has been complaining about (not because of her as she never complains to school, just to the parents, they just obviously know what they’re doing) it all suddenly because too much and they’re expecting too much.

My experience has always been they like to deal with things in that setting and if it’s done with, unless it’s significant, they’re is no need for them to rehash it with parents for them to then bring up it again for the child to relive it. A lot of the things you describe are ordinary happenings in a child’s life, some of isn’t nice, but it won’t be unusual and people who deal with it all day everyday will see it the same. It sounds like your anxieties maybe rubbing off onto your child to an extent.

Sorry OP, I just wanted to clarify that my point was in relation to the current nursery, not your old one.

Is this your first op? I’m sorry but this does read like previous first born… life won’t always put him first or revolve around him. I was incredibly sensitive, but nursery helped me to toughen up and gain confidence. I think you will do him a disservice, and it might mean he doesn’t learn the skills he needs for work in the future. Social skills are so important, friends get everyone through, help and bring happiness they’re the family you choose for yourself and when parents have died long gone often close friends are left, even when siblings fall out or don’t get along. Friends can be there. At this early stage in his life help him to grow learn social skills and have great friends.

'Highly sensitive' children are nearly always children with undiagnosed SEN.

@getback2normal

I wouldn't want to home school him now I guess I'm thinking that way for when he starts reception..? If the traditional school structure isn't working..

He started his most recent/new nursery on 6th Jan..

He told me today, he had a fall and grazed his knee (which he did) he also told me that when he was crying for me the main teacher told him to "stop crying" and that made him feel sad..

I suppose you can't always know what's going on but I do worry.. he interacts a lot with the teachers but not the children, literally hangs out or stands next to the teachers..

I just feel like the nursery settings are not quite working for him..

I'm not projecting, at least I don't think I am, I just see what he responds well to..

Not all places want to cater to sensitivities or different needs.. most see children as a blanket/all the same

A lot of this is reading as autistic spectrum to me. Despite what people think, many autistic children are highly empathetic, over and above average kids. He also seems to have trouble relating to other children and prefers adults, again a very common autistic trait.

@theqentity he hasn't been diagnosed and his nurseries have not pointed this out as a concern. Shall I ask them outright? Surely they would know as see many different kids.

@Breastfeedingworries he is my first and I do feel rather protective.. I'm conscious I don't want to be an annoying parent contacting the nursery and teachers etc., but I also like to know his well-being and happiness is also ok.. not all the time of course but that it's a priority.

No one has mentioned the teacher asking him to 'stop crying'

That has annoyed me I will admit.. he said no one cuddled him and I do believe him.. he is very aware for his age..

OP - is he your first/only child? It does sound like you are being very precious about it all.
Nurseries can be loud, but they are hardy aggressive/competitive. And you seem to have already decided that your boy is not suited to being in a group setting.

I think this generation of young kids who have been at home /socially distanced from other kids for a large part of their life really need the socialisation. And I hope you let him try and find his own pace and way.

I think you may have not spent much time around other little kids in the playgrounds /playgroups. Little things like throwing sand, or falling over - are all part of normal childhood. It’s far more damaging for a kid to be swaddled in cottonwood and be protected against everything.

You boy is small. He just changed his nursery. He also has a mom who is anxious and projecting her anxieties onto him. Of course he picks up on you not liking the nursery - as you say he is empathetic. Why wouldn’t he. Of course he can’t come out of the nursery being happy.
So - unless you are planning to keep him home until he is a grown up - you need to get comfortable with not being able to control everything around him.

I had a sensitive and shy Dd. She took forever to settle in the nursery. She didn’t play or speak with other kids originally, she preferred adults and quietly looking at books.
Took half a year to get ‘settled’.

She is a teenager now. Still a little on a shy side, but OK.

If he's mainly with the adults is it because he's not used to be around other kids ? How long was he at the other nursery?

All kids are different, he maybe just need to find the right place. My DS went to two nurseries. I disliked his keyworker at the first and started him at another more school like nursery also, which couldn't tolerate his sensitivities at all. Then his keyworker left the first nursery and he got a new one and he flew, she got him. So that turned out to be the right place, just had to get the right staff.

If you have any concerns over your DS' development don't wait for nursery just ask for paediatrician referral from your GP and list your concerns. Only wanting to interact with adults can be a flag for Autism but not just on its own.

It may be an idea for your child to see a developmental paediatrician. If finances allow you to see such a person earlier so much the better.

Nurseries do not always pick up on children having any additional needs because the staff are simply not trained to do this.

I also think you are projecting your insecurities onto him
are you telling him that he is sensitive, if he cries mommy will come fetch him ?
The current UK school system doesn't provide much for children that are sensitive. The nurseries/ schools I've seen are loud/noisy, aggressive in terms of competing etc.,
where are you getting this idea from, have you actually been in many schools ?