Has anyone started divorce proceedings and then thought

[TLV]

hang on I want to make another go out of it, I'm feeling really jaded at the moment and want to here some fairytale happy endings (hands on ears incase some cynical ones try to tell me otherwise ) in need of cheering up

I will be having freedom permanently now we had a huge row and it was in front of dd he totally humiliated me in front of my own home and it was awful, never again do I want to be treated like that or for my own dd to see her mother treated like that, for months now and no matter which way i've done it (right or wrong) all i have wanted was to put my family back together, he has taken away so much from me and my dd that last night was the final straw. He really lost the plot and is not the man that I thought he was, I want my own name back and for me and my dd to move on with our lives, I can't take away the fact he is her father and I can't stop him seeing her but whatever happens from now on I won't ever look at him the same, he is cold callous and calculated. Here's to new beginnings

Hope you are ok TLV. Sounds like you have made the decision now which shows that you have gained control. Good for you. Some of us let our men walk all over us (i mean me!) out of desperation to make them stay.
Have you told him that it is definitely over - it will probably make him beg you to take him back!
((((big hug)))) You are being really brave.

trying so hard not to cry in front of dd, we argued at home and then I went to see him with dd where he was staying to try and talk to him and get him to calm down (I now know I should have left well alone) and the way he spoke to me was absolutely awful, he then expected me to get in the car with him after shoving me around and refusing to even let me and dd go in the house and for him to calm down! I ended up walking nearly 5 miles home I honestly feel like i'm a crap mother and my lovely dd deserves so much more than I have to offer, I've feel i have lost her everything

Do not think like that. You are not a crap mother. The fact that you have been trying to salvage the relationship is to your credit and the fact that he has walked away without trying makes him a fool.
Your daughter is young enough to deal with this. She is lucky to have you and you will give her a good life without him. He is the one losing out here not you.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing brilliantly.

so why do i feel so awful and down and why can't i have my family back the way it was. He has robbed her of so much and the sad thing is is that everything will now be done through solicitors because after last night i can't bear now to talk to him coz it hurts so much and the worst thing about it all is that I still love him (dont ask me how and why) He called earlier and there was no remorse in his voice at all it was when can i see her! her has a name!!! not how are you or sorry and I should never have behaved the way I did

I hadn't seen any of your threads so I was hoping things had worked out.

Be strong. You can do this.

I can totally understand that you still love him. You can still see the person he was and not the person he is now. I feel the same about my OH (I have stopped calling him my DP!) I love him to bits and cannot bear the thought of him leaving me but I looked at him last night when he was asleep on the sofa and I thought 'i don't like you anymore - you are a liar and a cheat and if you can treat me like this after everything we have been through and shared then you are not the man i thought you were and I do not want you around me' - then of course reality hits and I carry on being nice to him in the hope that he stays. I love the old him and the life we had but it may be that has gone now.
So I do know exactly how you feel. It is scary not knowing what the future holds. All I will say is that you dd will always love you and when she grows up she will become your friend - he is going to miss all that.
It will never be the same for all of you but it might end up better!
(i should be giving this advice to myself - but I won't accept it!!!! Lets make sure we chat in a years tome and see how we feel then!!)

thank you i agree about the chatting in years to come.

I wish i could pinpoint where it all went wrong now i'm not going to bother at with him, after all its me who's made the effort letting him come round here. I can feel my self esteem and confidence slipping and i wonder where the old me is?? I hate that i have to have any contact with him at all things would be so much easier if he were to stay away and let me get on but when children are involved its not possible. Did I ever know him i now wonder? maybe not

TVL

I am so sorry you are having to go through this - you are not a crap mother at all. But you are allowed to wallow in self pity for a bit - you dont always have to be strong and not cry.

Try and be as kind as you can to yourself - and slowly slowly you will start to see at least some good things about him not being around. (even if it is not having to pick up his underpants off the floor).

You know you are a good person and it is because of this that you find it so very hard that he can treat you like this - as you would never do such a thing.

As hard as it try and find something to make you have an inward smile each day - something that is just for you and does not belong to him at all. At my lowest i used to challenge myself each day to try and make a stranger smile. I remeber one day having a bit of a flirt with a much older man who was in the underwear department of a large store. Indide i was hollow and crying but i cracked a couple of corny jokes and it made him smile and say 'if only I was 30 years younger....' That was my reason for living that day i had brought some joy into someones life.

It sounds so silly now to repeat it but at the time it eased the pain and it was some moment that was mine.

Or course you still love him - these are not feelings that you can just switch off as and when you like (although it seems some men can). You are in shock and need some time to grieve for the future you have lost.

Anyway good luck and do keep posting and getting the support you need here and hopefully in rl too.

sad thing is is that a tiny part of me hopes he will regret everything in time and want me back (now that does sound sad doesn't it) when infact he will probably move on more easily than me find someone and live the singleton/couple life without responsibilities

of course you want him to regret it and i am sore in time he will. When he does it may be too late but i am sure he will regret it in some way (even if it is just the way he did it - of course he may never let you know that though).

You will slowly get your power back and yes i am sure it will be a slow painful process but do take time to just see how far you have come.

Try and keep a record so you can see your progress and give yourself all the credit for that as it is all yours.

I am so sorry and thinking of you take care

we went to relate and it was a really good session, counsellor was fab and dh has agreed to go back (i won't read anything into it just yet) he does have a lot of anger towards me but not all my fault (previous relationship) she gave us some thoughts to take with us and he is coming over to stay sometime to have time with the little one, she did say that she thought he still had feelings for me as we had been sleeping together but it was all clouded by his anger. I wonder if we can get past this tho, I again mentioned how much i loved him and that I wanted to make a go of it but we will have to wait and see, right now i'm backing off and giving him some space. Phew what a day