Has anyone started divorce proceedings and then thought

[TLV]

hang on I want to make another go out of it, I'm feeling really jaded at the moment and want to here some fairytale happy endings (hands on ears incase some cynical ones try to tell me otherwise ) in need of cheering up

oh dear, doesn't sound good, my dh have never deterred from his decision and is quite indifferent at times (apart from when he sleeps with me!) as he doesn't want to give me false hope!!

He doesn't want to hear the bad bits about dd ie that she cries for him etc etc asks for him all the time as it weighs heavily on his shoulders however he does want me to tell him the good bits ie what she has been up to lets say for instance potty training

stall it by taking ages to sign the forms before sending them back?

got to be worth a try, can someone make sense of this then, he said today "you want me back but you keep pushing me further away" I say how do I get you back then and he shouts you don't

I totally get what he meant by that.

You are there hanging on his every word, pleading begging to have him back, your every word/ action screams take me back take me back - men just don't find that appealing, they want something they can't have, something they have to work for see the God I fancy my SIL thread to see that men want what they can't have - Men are silly imo but as far as i know that is how it works.

Eg when we go to bed sometimes i try to initiate sex if i try too hard he will immediatly say nah im not in the mood, however if im fast asleep at 6am he will be there trying it on for all he's worth.....like i said men are silly......

He doesnt want you to say what can i do to get you back he wants you to ignore him and get on with your life until he is ready to realise what a fab person you are and how much he loved you in the first place imo.

all sounds good lmg, but i'm really afraid that when I back off he gets on with it and doesn't bother with me at all and then what?

Then you are no worse off than now but you will find you have moved on a tiny bit yourself anyhow.

i'm just finding it so hard to let go tho I made a real effort with myself today and have to admit i looked half way decent and I didn't get anything from him at all not a you look nice (doesn't mean to say he wasn't thinking it tho I suppose) I do agree i need to give him some space. He was initially attracted to me because I was outgoing and bubbly independant so I suppose it will be a long process trying to get him to see that again

I don't see how spending some time on yourself, pampering, going out, doing things just for you is ever going to be a bad thing regardless of if he comes back or not.

Try to imagine it was you who left him, imagine all the things that used to drive you up the wall and you can't ever think you will want him back then imagine he rang you daily begging for you back (but you were still so set on not going back because the things that bugged you were still bugging you) imagine he is sat in tears everyday drinking and smoking heavily, comfort eating, living in a total mess, he smells cus he's spending all day in bed and isn't showering, snot and beer stains down his top etc etc imagine worst case senario......yet everyday he is begging you to go back. You would be thinking "wtf he is out of his mind, go back to him yuck!"

OR

You leave him he begs you back for a bit but then after a while he picks himself up dusts himself down starts looking and smelling good!! He's out having a great time and you start remembering the way he was when you met him, you want to be going out with him enjoying his new found life, his job is going well, the house is tidy there's even loo roll (why is it men who live alone have no loo roll?!) and he's quit the drinking, smoking, gambling, comfort eating, he's in the gym 3 times a week, he's learnt to cook gormet food etc etc because with this time he had spent being distraught he has now put it to good use.

Do you see what I mean?

DISCLAIMER im not saying you are doing any of the above as I don't know you its a very very general view.

I agree with the need for you to back off. You wouldn't want to 'force' him to change his mind. You want him to change his mind of his own accord. Hope he realises what he's missing but don't make it too obvious. Be subtle. Hope it works out for you.

lmg you really make sense, apart from the fact I do shower and i'm not covered in snots but yes i've been in tears etc and bugged him and infact today he said and i've just remembered i'm now more of an extreme version of what i was like when we were together so yep its so time i backed off, shite these past 2mths i've made worse when i could have made better

Yeh but you were hurting and we dont think straight we dont have a game plan when we are hurt we are irrational. But now you see where you need to go so tomorrow get on the phone book beauty appts, dates with friends booked ask dh to babysit because you need to do x, y, z etc if he asks why the change say its new year and things are changing in your life.

you know that saying the grass is always greener on the other side well i hope for his sake it isn't, and yes I do need to look after me, am sick of dd seeing me upset. Got a lovely outfit never been worn and killer heels i'm itching to buy so yep I should get him to babysit, only thing is it costs money and i ain't got a lot at the moment, today when we spoke i have to admit i felt so much better about myself as I didn't shout or swear and was very calm infact he was the one who lost the plot so maybe i am making som headway but one thing is for certain I do not want to lose the family home, its where dd and I feel safe and secure

One thing tho, my family don't think i should have him in the house, they think I should let him see dd on specific days and for me not to have any contact so how do i go about this without riling them and letting them think i'm hankering after him etc

It's about you and your dd I wouldn't let your family interfer personally (though as i said i've not been in your postion) if you feel comfortable having him in the house with dd when you're not there then let him if he's willing, if you think it would be better for him to take dd out to soft play or the park or to his famillies houses etc then let him do that.

i've no problem with him being here, changed the password for the computer so he can't get on it, he came to take his stuff when i was at work a week or so ago and he didn't do it (mind I asked him not to but really he could have done it) I've nothing to hide so I suppose there would be no harm and at least that way he could see me just getting on with it, tho this has to be for me and not for him

So how do you feel about getting on with it? Have you accepted that you need to make an effort to enjoy your life as it is?

i had a decree nisi pronounced about 10 years ago when dh had an affair and was adamant that he wanted to split and be wiuth the other woman . i satrted proceedings and gritted my teeth and got on with my life as he had made it so clear that there was no chance of reconciliation . through stress i lost about 4 stone , began seeing friends and got a new job about 100 miles away from w here we lived . it all felt quite empowering and then as i was about to move he practically begged to give it another go . we went ahead with the move etc as it was more on my terms and have been really ahppy ever since . it took a good few years for me to get over the betrayal but hardly ever think about it now.

its a day by day process, some days better than others, however today after everything i feel ok even tho he told me there was still no chance, he is coming tomorrow to see dd on the grounds that i said i wouldn't put any pressure on him and i'm not going to, infact i'm not mentioning ought anymore, got loads of clarins beauty treats in my room, foot creams, bubble baths, body creams, guess its about time i used them its all about me and dd and when he sees he is missing it all..............

nice to hear a happy ending pipsqueak, i really do need to move on and stop wallowing in my own pity about what he's done. Dignity and decorum will now become my middle names can you tell i've had a few

tlv- it isnt easy . he left me in the January and we moved in the august . i think it was around teh may /june time that i stopped begging /pleading /crying /following him around/ phoning him in maniac style /drinking to excess when dd1 asleep and crying every 5minutes - utterly ghastly and just before the move that he said he wanted to come too and start again .it is possible. hope this helps - new year , new start and all that...

was he really adamant that that was it? coz my dh is, I've done 2.5months of the begging pleading etc and i've now decided enough is enough if he can't see what he's got. What was the turning point for your dh then

he was adamant marrage was over from about teh october before he left. refused to discuss alternatives but grudgingly went to counselling which he said he was doing so we could end the marrigae via a sort of mediated process . he went through the motions really and even lied to the counseillor about the relationship he was having . i am afraid though that i am not sure what the turning point was . i think it was he realised that the grass was not really greener . he moved in with his girlfriend and i dont think that worked out . they had had i suppose an exciting illicit affair , hotels , sneaking around at work etc and the reality of it was probably more mundane . he just said that he realised he had made a huge mistake when i put the flat on hte market and started looking for a new place /nursery etc for dd1 . i guess it became "real" that we were leaving

would like to carry this on some more but bed is calling me, hope you don't mind if I go on about his more tomorrow maybe good to know that things can be worked out, i've gone about it the wrong way tho

TLV at the risk of upsetting you, people do fall out of love. I fell out of love with my first husband and once I realised, I just couldn't stay. I had to go. I realised I'd been living a complete lie and even the way he breathed annoyed me. There was no chance of reconciliation despite his pleading, if anything his pleading made me more determined to leave (that sounds absolutely heartless I know but I knew I was extending his pain if I pretended there was any chance at all).

Sorry

Don't assume it's another woman though, it may just be that you have both changed and don't fit together anymore. In a year you, yourself may be in a new relationship or at the very least have found peace of mind about the situation.

How about you leave it a week and just see how you get on before you try and talk to him?

TVL You sound so much more possitive again. You can move on slowly and become the person he wants again. He may not want to come back but hey what will you have lost. You can be the best person you want to be and be so proud of yourself - you do not have to lower yourself to shouting and screaming and nastiness, you will then be able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride and dignity (who wouldnt want you that way?).

Try and go out and if i were you i would not let him have keys to the house - it is yours now if he has choosen to leave and you need to feel safe in your home. You will always let him in but he has to be a guest now and you need to know when he is coming.

Dont let him know everything you are doing either - it doesnt have to cost a lot of money (I got all dressed up just to go to a friends house - but my h wanted to know all about it when i got back). Ask him to babysit for you - and if things dont work out then it will be good anyway.

Good luck i really do feel for you but i also believe it can be done but i also think you have to be at the point of no return for him to finally come to his senses - if that makes sense?

A friend of mine was in a similar position and i was having wine with her and her absent h must have texted her about 50 times while i was there and because she didnt reply he got very emotional and even called her - it was sad really as she had only been begging him a couple of weeks before and he would not be able to be contacted.

Show him what it is like and he may finally get it.

Good luck it is not an easy position, but at least you will know you have done all in your power and this is not your fault.

happywoman, yes i do feel better and more positive, going to take time but i'll do it, he came this morning to see dd, we went to the shops came back and I started changing things round the house and he helped a little, and as for the changes I made well he made comments like we should have had it like that in the first place, I did infact ask him to babysit not sure when but at least i can get out. We have a cat who was originally mine and i said I couldn't afford to keep him (and it is expensive if you include flea treatments) he has offered to pay for the food and flea treatments I was fine when he left and he said thank you and is coming NY day to see her (bringing some stuff?? not sure what that meant) but I'm going to concentrate on me and dd thats for sure, and I do feel really good in the fact i'm not shouting/screaming etc etc. Told him i'm going to decorate dd room too , went to call him about 10 mins ago and stopped (re some money) he called back I apologised for calling said I was going to email him mentioned the money he said he would bring it up NY day and i said ok bye, I have so got to keep this up as its the only way i'm going to sort me out.

whomovedmychoc he has been sleeping with me since he left and more than once now to me he should know better given that he knows how i feel about him