Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone started divorce proceedings and then thought

87 replies

TLV · 27/12/2007 20:45

hang on I want to make another go out of it, I'm feeling really jaded at the moment and want to here some fairytale happy endings (hands on ears incase some cynical ones try to tell me otherwise ) in need of cheering up

OP posts:
Original poster
TLV · 30/12/2007 13:34

Happywoman is your friend back with her dh?

OP posts:
pipsqueak · 30/12/2007 15:13

well done tlv!

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 30/12/2007 17:41

Just concentrate on being his friend and don't worry about anything else. You are both parents so will have to see each other but you can do this.

HappyWoman · 30/12/2007 18:40

No because she just couldnt do it anymore - she had put herself through hell and given him so many chances and it was only once she had the control and decided to move on that he he kept pestering her. It is very sad really but she had moved on by then anyway but there were times when she felt like you do now and just wanted him to beg and change - but it was only once he had driven a huge wedge between them that he wanted her back. He left for ow and kept coming and going so in the end she had to get on with her own life anyway.

You can do this - you have to and if you still want him back for the right reasons then hold onto that hope but please do try and slowly move on with your life.

I am sure one day he will regret this time but it is up to you to take control of your life at the moment and if he changes his mind in time then go for it but if not - you have done nothing wrong.

Be strong

Original poster
TLV · 30/12/2007 20:11

I've not even felt the urge to call him (yet!) going to do some pamper treats for tonight and tomorrow night and be on a positive air when he comes over NY day, made plans to go see my mum tomorrow day and go for a nice walk with dd, funny but I love getting out for walks now, now looking to funk up my wardrobe (on the cheap) treat me and dd to some nice things, but i can't sit worrying about what he is doing tomorrow just got to put it to the back of my head

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 31/12/2007 13:34

Thats definatly the way to go TLV!

Original poster
TLV · 31/12/2007 14:44

crap i can feel myself getting weepy at the thought of being alone tonight, someone slap me please

OP posts:
Original poster
TLV · 01/01/2008 20:40

well he came over today, called late morning apologised for not calling earlier as he said he was poorly (could have been lying) tho he looked awful and I took his temp and was well over 100, said he was in bed by 10 last night (neither of us said happy new year), asked if i was ok and i said yes. we were a bit awkward around each other at first but i just pottered around whilst he played with dd, we got chatting etc about music and he is going to get some concert tickets i'm after, anyway more was said but nothing really that significant but I find it strange that for someone divorcing me he really hasn't cut all ties ie he's buying the catfood and i'm buy music of the internet which is getting charged to his card and he doesn't mind??

OP posts:
Original poster
TLV · 01/01/2008 21:03

and he is still coming to relate (taking the day off to do it)

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 02/01/2008 08:25

The going to relate is good even if things dont work out for you, it will help sort out a lot of other things and help you to move on alone easier if need be.

Try not to read too much into him being 'nice' it could just be guilt. But hey what have you got to lose? If there is someone else on the scence she will hate the fact that you are being so nice and calm and will not want to hear that from him so it is another win for you there too - if that is what is happenening.

You sound as though you are doing so well and by focusing on you and d you are showing him you dont need him and it WILL make him think about what he is losing.

Remember you do have some control and do not let him 'force' the divorce on you.

I think he is very confussed at the moment and is having a good think - it is whether you are prepared to wait at all costs for him. I hope he dosent take to long.

Happpy new year to you anyway.

Original poster
TLV · 02/01/2008 18:26

happy new year

ok dilema he has gone away on business for a couple of days travelled quite a distance and is unwell, I'm half tempted to call to see if he got there ok and see how he is feeling but the other half is saying well he left me so really I should leave well alone and it may be at times like these he may miss me?? never know

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 03/01/2008 08:42

Could just try it in a friendly way. Say a text or email asking if he is ok as you know he is not feeling too well. Dont be too pushy though. You could find another reason to contact him - say a household or childcare thing.

Is he still making it clear that he wants to split?

Hope you are feeling a bit stronger.

Original poster
TLV · 03/01/2008 19:54

Hi

called him and it was answer phone anyway he called back and we chatted and he was disappointed at not getting to speak to dd, he called earlier this evening and may be coming over to see dd tomorrow, I have just read the other post from May which has 845 posts on it (can't remember the thread title) and crikey reading the original post it sounds just like dh and me and still part of me wonders whether there is someone else but i suppose it will come out eventually,

I have not mentioned anything else about the divorce/getting back together and neither has he but we go to relate in a few weeks so will see what happens there, I have good days and bad and today has been good so just taking it as it comes, someone told me to keep smiling and be positive and its very receptive, making sure thats how I am when i see dh as I don't want to see him to see me hurting

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 04/01/2008 08:19

Thats the spirit - be as possitive as you can and show him that you are a wonderful person and make him think what he is missing.

Find something everyday to be happy about - not always easy but it sounds as if you are doing so well.

LoveMyGirls · 05/01/2008 09:09

How are you doing TLV?

Original poster
TLV · 05/01/2008 19:25

hi not too bad, had a little spat yesterday but we said sorry, he has been laid up with flu but called today and we chatted and here is a first he actually called me back to tell me something think it was abit trivia never known him to do that before anyway he said he may not get up to see dd today but that he would call me back, time went by and I thought nah he's not going to but then to my surprise he did and he said he had been trying earlier but i was on the phone, dd got upset coz she wanted to say night night and she was really crying bless her and I could hear him say its alright daddy's here (well er no you aren't ) but anyway he did call back and i think it got to him to hear dd so upset. Going to have a nice glass of wine a hot bath face mask and an early night. we are still going to relate me thinks so will see what happens from there

OP posts:
Original poster
TLV · 07/01/2008 17:47

he came over yesterday and was still bad, not very good company for dd but at least he showed his face, now here is my concern in his bag were 2 condoms! now i don't think he would be as stupid to bring them into the house if they were for someone else so was he thinking that he was going to get it again? I've done well and not called him at all today, dd is unwell now with cold but I don't think it warrants speaking to him, still worrying about keeping the family home not so much worried about him now at the end of the day its his loss

OP posts:
Original poster
TLV · 07/01/2008 19:38

well wonders never cease, he called me earlier had a little chat asked how dd was (didn't ask to speak to her tho ) and then said he would call tomorrow?!?! now i'm wondering if he is up to something

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 07/01/2008 20:40

You know what I think you're next move should be? You sound like you are ready, a girls night out just what you need, hair and nails done ex can babysit and you can have yourself a fab time! Plan it for the weekend when they are both feeling better, ask one of your girlie mates to stay over your house with you though - This is very important, if you don't you will get pissed and go home and shag him or even worse he will refuse and you will feel rejected all over again - neither situation is good. If and when you ever do sleep with him you want him to do the hard work and you both want to be sober. Maybe stay at your friends?

HappyWoman · 07/01/2008 22:46

Thats a great idea lovemygirls. It will do you so much good to get out and for him to see you having a great time. Even if you are not and you are really going round to your friends. But it is important about making sure you are not alone with him at the end of the night though.

Are you able to set up a regular babysitting for him to do?

Dont worry about the house too much yet either as i am sure he cannot force you out just yet. Also try and keep accounts of what you actually need to live on as you may need it in the future if things dont work out. Make sure you dont get too thrifty just yet!!

One word of caution - it was suggested that we go to mediation by my solicitor as it looks good for the courts, do you think he may just be going to make him look better?

Original poster
TLV · 08/01/2008 12:13

funnily enough i spoke to a friend last night and we said we would meet up this weekend (fingers crossed he can sit tho) he called this morning (amazed) to see how dd was as she is loaded with cold but mind you she has had cold before and an upset tummy and he never bothered calling and he said he will call later today.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 08/01/2008 13:34

Dont leave it too long to ask him otherwise he will say its too short notice etc and arrange to stay at your friends and DO NOT tell him what you are planning, don't tell him where you're going, who you're going with or where you are staying he will have your mobile number and that is all he needs to know! You don't know where he is every second how do you know he hasnt been out every friday night (for eg) and he just hasnt told you? If he says oh you can't go dd is ill you say yes i can shes as safe and looked after with you as she is with me (he is just pulling at your heart strings because he doesnt want you going out enjoying yourself he wants you moping about at home waiting for him to sort himself out!)

Original poster
TLV · 08/01/2008 13:45

will ask him tomorrow when he looks after dd, at the weekend i asked him to stay for tea but im not going to remind him about it and i'll wait and see what he says and whether or not he's straight out the door when i get in from work! I really can't figure him out and tbh maybe i'm not meant too and all this trying to analyse him is probably whats making me the way i am. But i do need to get out and so yes i will do it Still can't understand why he had the condoms in his bag tho?

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 08/01/2008 14:38

TVL - even if he cant babysit could you get someone else to sit for you? You really do need to get something else in your life right now so that he can find you interesting again.

Take this time to do something you would never have dreamed of doing - and if possible try and do something small to make it happen.

Good luck

LoveMyGirls · 08/01/2008 19:41

What were you doing in his bag? I think you should pretend you havent seen them. Sex is a long way off if you want to do this properly imo. I know what i'm like I would be exactly the same and I'd probably be trying every seduction trick in the book just to get sex with him (because I wouldn't feel ready to sleep with someone else in the hope we got back together and because if I didnt have sex with him i'd have to go without and neither would be an option for me personally!)

But back to the point......if you get sex with him you will convince yourself he wants you as much as you want him, for most women sex is emotional for men sex is sex especially when they havent had it in a while (correct me if im wrong)

Concentrate on you and what you're doing (and your dd of course) and most importantly have fun, enjoy yourself as i said before act as if you know he is coming back in a few months and this is your last chance at freedom!!!!