Totally miserable in second marriage

[CarriesShoes]

Just that.
Dh & I married 5 years (together 8 in total). I have 3 dc (2 adults, one 16). He has 3dc also (1 adult, 2 older teens).
We live together but he also has a house where his dc live. He sees them there eow, every Friday night, during the week if he can, holidays etc.

We had a fantastic relationship before we got married and even though we had lots of commitments we made time for each other and we made it work.
After we married his exw (I was not ow) got really nasty and his dc ended up with awful loyalty binds so dh made the choice to see them one on one. He has also taken on extra work since then and works 12 hour days on a regular basis. He's not getting any younger and is permanently exhausted. I know the pandemic hasn't helped but our marriage now consists of

1. Him staying away if he's work away.
2. Him being away to see his dc.
3. Him coming home after a 12 hour day (and commute as he works all over) or from a weekend with his dc and him being absolutely knackered either way & falling asleep in front of the tv after half an hour.

He has no hobbies, takes no exercise, will take no time off (unless it's school related for his dc). If we go out he is literally yawning into his food or falls asleep in the cinema. His exw and dc treat him like an atm and he seems to think that if he isn't handing them all money and working all hours to earn it he's being a bad father. I am worried about him and have repeatedly tried to talk to him but he won't listen to me and won't change anything. I'm now so utterly miserable and fed up of being the one who has kept the relationship on the road since we got married that I honestly feels like leaving. I cannot bear the thought of my life being like this. He has always gotten on great with my dc but even that is now becoming a strain as his only interest is watching the bloody tv & if my elder two are staying (like over Christmas) & dh is here I feel constantly on edge because if dh can't get near a tv (if the dc manage to get to the TVs first) he literally does not know what else to do with himself and so goes into the office to catch up on paperwork. So he's either watching tv or working some more. I've tried to talk to him about depression but he uses his ability to work hard and power through as evidence of his positivity & tells me I'm the negative one. He has not arranged a date for us in about 3 years and I have booked every concert, holiday etc. that we have ever been on. Yes I admire his hard work attitude but it is wrecking him & our marriage. Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't want to give up but I cannot go on like this. I was in a bad marriage for 17 years and I just can't live through another one.

I know you have said you have tried to talk to him but have you said it as bluntly as - if this goes on I will leave you. Do you think he is complacent & hasn't for whatever reason clocked how you feel. ?

I am sure that is not very helpful but to you @CarriesShoes

You need to tell him that you don’t feel loved or like a priority to him.

If he says you are a priority to him then he needs to show it! Tell him you need to feel loved or you’re going to drift apart. You need date nights!

I dont think he really has time for any hobbies, with the amount of time he works, and has other commitments with all children etc. Its no wonder that he is shattered all the time. I dont think anyone should break up a marriage for these reasons.

Just tell him you are relieving him of the burden of your expectations, and go. He hasn't got any more to give and you aren't content to be part of the furniture. Do you facilitate his life? Washing, cleaning, the mental and emotional workload? It sounds as if he believes that, having married you, he has acquired a useful household implement. I feel sorry for him with all his working and giving but that doesn't mean he's entitled to condemn you to living your life essentially alone.

You've tried to talk and he has shut you down. If there's no consequences to him for that then that is sending the message that it's ok to treat you like that. It's not ok. You need to rock the boat sufficiently that he realises that he has to make a choice.

Say it starkly. "This is miserable for me. Your priorities are your work and your other family and you make no time or effort fir us at all. I refuse to live like this. I want a trial separation and you can take some time to decide whether you actually value our relationship enough to put time and effort into it. If you choose not to then that's your choice but then you need to be clear about it so I can be free to live my own life to the full. I am not going to accept this setup amy longer"

Sounds like he did a bait and switch on you.

After 5 years, it isn't going to change. He's made his choices.

I'd start the divorce process.

Thanks for all the feedback.
@1forAll74 I don't want to just give up but I feel like I'm making an effort into a gaping hole and there's nothing there!
I too understand why he's shattered but he has the capability to change that. I know he can't make massive changes at the moment but a few small ones would help. It's like he doesn't care about himself or us enough to prioritise his health! He only cares about "keeping the show on the road" for his dc (his words). He has blinkers on and can see nothing else.

It's not at all wrong for a man to prioritise his kids above all else. But it means there's currently no room in his life for you. You are not a prop existing for his convenience.

If you don't want to give up on him, suggest that you separate anf live independently with no mutual obligations for the next 5 years, till his youngest is an adult, and in 2027 start dating each other and work out if you still like each other enough to get back together. If you do get back together let it be with groundrules that you both agree to right from the start.

I realised that my exh used work as the barrier/solution to the stress in his life, perhaps better described as ‘workaholic’. It killed the relationship because EVERYTHING including me being in labour was secondary to getting to work. It was a lonely existence.

I second @BuanoKubiamVej advice.

You are under no onus to tolerate a miserable marriage. He is the only person who can make decisions on what quality of life he wants and how he prioritises the demands on his time and money.

You equally have every right to have certain needs in the relationship. Having a partner who practises self care (exercise for example) is very high up on the list for me and the fact that you mention it tells me it features somewhere for you.

He basically has no quality or life or zest for life either. Living with someone like this can suck the joy out of life.

Suggest a trial separation, he has his house. ask that he goes there. Do you think he’d go to counselling?

I'm making an effort into a gaping hole and there's nothing there!

You have two choices here.

You can keep pouring your energy into a gaping hole and get nothing back.

Or you can ask him to leave.

Either way, you need to have a serious discussion with him. Today.

@sassbott we did do some counselling shortly after we got married as things got very fraught when his exw kicked off. It helped but it's effects have very much worn off. I think he needs his own counselling and I have suggested it but guess what? He doesn't have time.
@Kenwouldmixitup you are spot on there. I feel the work is used to not deal with anything else including counselling.
I am going to try to talk to him over the weekend. It won't be easy as on top of everything else he has developed this defensiveness whereby he does not want to acknowledge that he is refusing to step up.
Thanks again for the perspectives. It really does help.

@CarriesShoes his defensiveness is designed to make you back off and stop having this convo. You’re going to have to hold firm against it. Because he’s effectively refusing any form of conversation with you. It’s not ok.

Do your children have a POV on this all? Have they mentioned anything?

@CarriesShoes you are right. My exh felt he couldn’t be challenged because he worked hard. So used work as the barrier.

@sassbott it's only my youngest at home full time and she has noticed he's gotten quieter. They have all mentioned to me at various times that they can't believe how hard he works and that he's exhausted all the time.
He is never grumpy or cranky around them to give him his due but he will clear off into his office regularly to work instead of hanging out with us. He's mostly not here when all mine would be as he would be with his own dc but there is a crossover from time to time and especially throughout the pandemic.
I agree he doesn't want to have the conversation. I think he's so far gone at this stage that he won't be able to reset without a lot of assistance.
I'm not even sure me suggesting a separation would jolt him though. When I have tried to explain how I feel his response is "but I'm not stopping you doing what you want. Go to the cinema, go on a day trip, take a holiday I'll join you for a day or two at the end of it". He actually told me last week that the woman he fell in love with was the one who solo travelled! I tried to point out to him that I'm perfectly happy to do things alone but I do have an expectation that we do things together also & he told me he's not in a place to do stuff like that at the moment.
I just cannot get it right iykwim.

Is he repeating what went wrong in his first marriage?

@ravenmum possibly. I could see how he might have buried himself in work when he was unhappy in that marriage. But, his last marriage was very traditional. He went to work and she stayed at home with the dc. This continued post divorce so he is basically fully supporting another household, one he doesn't live in and this puts a lot of strain on him financially and plays into his obsession with having to work. He doesn't support me as I work and support myself and my dc.
When we met he was very relaxed and very willing to change up certain aspects of his life and we really did work exceptionally well together. Since we got married it's been a slow steady slide into where we are today. I feel the real him is the man I met and had about 4 great years with but the man I see today is one who has let his previous life experience overtake his future.

his last marriage was very traditional. He went to work and she stayed at home with the dc
You could have said this about my marriage - because my exh was a workaholic who never took any time off, even when the children were ill, and worked 12-hour days (and more, weekends away etc.), I was not able to stay in the job I had before. He also got worse over time, which was also his response to any stress.
My exh is now dating other women and of course he is on his best behaviour. In your position I'd wonder if he was reverting to the norm.

His ex and also his dc have played a trump card in him, his guilt is enormous. And he never feels good enough so keeps providing. This is not uncommon when you take on a man who has children. You must have known this.

Plus his personality of being the type of man who if there are problems just can't see it and worse still won't be told, is an even bigger problem and that's normally insurmountable.

@ravenmum I think he IS reverting to the norm in that I think workaholism is his stress response and you've identified that very well. I'm not really sure what there is in our relationship that could be causing him stress so I feel it is something else but what I don't know.
@Oblomov22 he really was very different when I met him and for a good 4 years after that. All the various family dynamics seemed fine, not perfect but good. About a year into our marriage things started to change and have steadily gotten worse. Quite possibly it is us, or me or our relationship but I feel it's more like something happened or got said outside of our relationship that has brought on this level of guilt and overworking. From the outside looking in I can't see anything he needs to feel guilty about as he does everything and more that he should do, but maybe he feels differently. If he does he's certainly not sharing it with me.

How has he got another house whether the DC live? Are they nesting? It seems like a strange setup if he is supporting another family but married to you, and his ex doesn’t work or support herself at all?

I was wondering the same - nesting or an entirely separate house? Is it that far that his children can't come for the weekends?

I have to agree with pp this is a strange setup and doesn’t feel like a marriage at all. His dc are late teens not infants, you have been together for a while and are married! Why are you still living across two homes? It’s as though you are basically being the other woman, even though you aren’t

@ravenmum

his last marriage was very traditional. He went to work and she stayed at home with the dc You could have said this about my marriage - because my exh was a workaholic who never took any time off, even when the children were ill, and worked 12-hour days (and more, weekends away etc.), I was not able to stay in the job I had before. He also got worse over time, which was also his response to any stress. My exh is now dating other women and of course he is on his best behaviour. In your position I'd wonder if he was reverting to the norm.

My thoughts exactly. I’d bet any money that his ex would recognise this current behaviour. Workaholism is a real way of hiding from life and workaholics always have this seemingly irreproachable “but it’s work” & financial burdens etc. Did it feel like you were “United” in the outward focus of exW as the problem - but now you’re not united?? The biggest thing I took away from my marriage therapy at the end of the marriage is that you either prioritise each other as a team above all else (inc in fact children) - or you will likely fail. He is not prioritising your relationship at all, is he?

seemingly irreproachable
This is what makes it so frustrating.

In my ex's case, one reason for his workaholism was that he was the family clown - his parents were quite critical and he felt he had to prove himself by being successful at work. That criticism also meant that when I tried to get him to spend more time with his family, he thought I was criticising him, too, so a) just acted defensively rather than listening and b) worked more to escape the "criticism".

Maybe delve into his childhood a bit?