Totally miserable in second marriage

[CarriesShoes]

Just that.
Dh & I married 5 years (together 8 in total). I have 3 dc (2 adults, one 16). He has 3dc also (1 adult, 2 older teens).
We live together but he also has a house where his dc live. He sees them there eow, every Friday night, during the week if he can, holidays etc.

We had a fantastic relationship before we got married and even though we had lots of commitments we made time for each other and we made it work.
After we married his exw (I was not ow) got really nasty and his dc ended up with awful loyalty binds so dh made the choice to see them one on one. He has also taken on extra work since then and works 12 hour days on a regular basis. He's not getting any younger and is permanently exhausted. I know the pandemic hasn't helped but our marriage now consists of

1. Him staying away if he's work away.
2. Him being away to see his dc.
3. Him coming home after a 12 hour day (and commute as he works all over) or from a weekend with his dc and him being absolutely knackered either way & falling asleep in front of the tv after half an hour.

He has no hobbies, takes no exercise, will take no time off (unless it's school related for his dc). If we go out he is literally yawning into his food or falls asleep in the cinema. His exw and dc treat him like an atm and he seems to think that if he isn't handing them all money and working all hours to earn it he's being a bad father. I am worried about him and have repeatedly tried to talk to him but he won't listen to me and won't change anything. I'm now so utterly miserable and fed up of being the one who has kept the relationship on the road since we got married that I honestly feels like leaving. I cannot bear the thought of my life being like this. He has always gotten on great with my dc but even that is now becoming a strain as his only interest is watching the bloody tv & if my elder two are staying (like over Christmas) & dh is here I feel constantly on edge because if dh can't get near a tv (if the dc manage to get to the TVs first) he literally does not know what else to do with himself and so goes into the office to catch up on paperwork. So he's either watching tv or working some more. I've tried to talk to him about depression but he uses his ability to work hard and power through as evidence of his positivity & tells me I'm the negative one. He has not arranged a date for us in about 3 years and I have booked every concert, holiday etc. that we have ever been on. Yes I admire his hard work attitude but it is wrecking him & our marriage. Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't want to give up but I cannot go on like this. I was in a bad marriage for 17 years and I just can't live through another one.

No he's not.
The separate houses occurred for a few reasons. The dc are all approximately the same age and 5 of them in the house at the same time was too much for everyone. His dc were miserable as were mine so we chose this option and it worked very well. Once the pressure was off all the dc were happier and we still all met up for celebrations. Then his exw kicked off and his dc got a bit 'off' with me and mine. We were mindful of loyalty binds so this reinforced that seeing the dc separately was the best thing to do for them.
As the dc got older mine (in my opinion) became quite independent but his haven't. He is still locked into eow, holidays, week time etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but it's alien to me. None of them have jobs so they rely on him for all money and the one at university still comes home every weekend to either his dm or dh. He then spends his weekends hanging out with his parent and his younger siblings. There seems to be very little flexibility and no one developing outside interests including dh.
I've also tried to discuss this with him and all he says is that everyone is different and he wants to hang out with his dc and they want to hang out with him. Maybe he's right but I don't know any dc of that age who spend so much weekend time with a parent. I know he doesn't live with them ft but mine didn't live with their df ft and spent their weekend with him meeting pals etc.

@Mumof3confused no his exw doesn't work and never has as far as I know.

In my ex's case, one reason for his workaholism was that he was the family clown - his parents were quite critical and he felt he had to prove himself by being successful at work. That criticism also meant that when I tried to get him to spend more time with his family, he thought I was criticising him, too, so a) just acted defensively rather than listening and b) worked more to escape the "criticism".
@ravenmum that's really interesting.

Can someone explain the term nesting to me? I've never heard it used in this context.

Sorry just to be clear, is the other house his ex partner’s home as well or is it just the DC there? I understand what you are saying about it working for DCs but personally this still keeping you away from his nearly adult dc feels a bit like treating you like a dirty secret not his wife. You are supposed to be his family too. I can understand your frustration here, with two separate families something will have to give

This is all very weird but I actually find myself feeling quite sorry for him. It sounds like he is desperately trying to do what he considers to be the right and honourable thing by his family (however much they may be out to take financial advantage) and is busy putting everyone else's needs before his own such that he simply had nothing left to give after family obligation and with obligation.

It sounds like he may feel that you were the one person who just loved him and didn't make yet further demands on him as his ex wife, work and family did but that you are now becoming yet another obligation he has to fulfill when he is at breaking point.

That's not to say that you're in any way wrong for having those needs and wanting them met - of course you do - and that's also not to say that this isn't within his power to change, however difficult. But from what you've said so far, he sounds like a thoroughly decent man who has got quite lost in what seems to him to be a sea of obligation and overwhelm.

I don't have all the solutions but if that rings true, I wouldn't be in a hurry to 'LTB' rather than consulting my marriage vows and exhausting every possible avenue for change and support (or even just giving it a bit of time for his children to grow up a bit more and things to naturally move on).

Thanks @HelloHelloAgain I feel really sorry for him also and agree with everything you've said. I just cannot seem to get him to understand that HE is just as important as his dc and that HE deserves a life too.
It's like he got a glimpse of that in our first 4 years together but felt 'bad' for actually having a life and likening it and has now begun to feel guilty about that. Why this is I don't actually know.

I don't think it is at all nice for the workaholic either, but if they aren't willing to work on it, or listen, in my experience it was hugely frustrating. Not why I broke up with my exh, but boy do I appreciate it when my current partner makes time for me.

Can you 2 get some couples counselling?

It's cheaper than divorce.

To be honest @HoliHormonalTigerlilly I think he needs some counselling for himself before we would do couples counselling. I think he would just get very defensive in a couples situation given his current mindset.

Thing is OP if his children are late teens he is actually choosing to have these arrangements rather than them being an ‘obligation’ - I would have expected it to be a more casual arrangement now as they are young adults and whilst he probably wants to do the right thing it’s not really fair on him if there is an enormous and continuous ‘expectation ‘ — are they going to be the same mid twenties?? I also don’t think it’s fair on you either and I think you need to have a serious chat with him about if he sees this pattern continuing and then have a think on it. They are young adults and whilst it’s great he is so supportive, it’s proving to be at the expense of your marriage

His DCs are at the age of transition and some need parental help to make that change. If he is still going along with all the arrangements that were right for them when younger he may be resisting changes now in case he’s cast as the bad guy. It’s another form of Disney parenting that may seem like the easiest thing now but in fact lays up a lot of trouble later on.

Unfortunately I think this may not be something you can sort on your own without some harsh jolts. PPs that suggested a trial separation have probably got it right. If it does make him realise that some changes are necessary and you do stay together it will allow you both to set some ground rules before you move back in together.

On the issue of ExWs who after years after divorce continue to expect to not work, even when DCs are older, and be financially supported by someone saddens and astonishes me (in equal measures) - where is their pride?

As a PP has asked, does the ExW live in the same house as the children?

Or is the separate house maintained for visitation purposes only?

On the issue of ExWs who after years after divorce continue to expect to not work, even when DCs are older, and be financially supported by someone saddens and astonishes me (in equal measures) - where is their pride?
Possibly fallen of a cliff along with their confidence. I was lucky enough to be able to get another, decent job working from home when my exh's workaholism stopped me working outside the home. But I know quite a few women who have not worked for decades (trailing spouses to expats and unable to work), and it can be horribly hard trying to get back in again. Others may just feel that their ex chose to treat them as a nanny all those years and should pay for that choice, especially if the ex is very well off and their earning power low.

@alwayslearning789 sorry, the exw lives in a house with the dc. Dh also maintains a property in the same town. We have a joint house of which I own the majority share.

Do you think he'd go to counselling himself, OP? And discuss the right subject?

@ravenmum at this stage I don't know. I'm not the sort of person to issue ultimatums but I may have to when I next speak to him.
Whether he'd even discuss the right issues I also don't know.

I've just finished reading a thread written by a man on the step parents board and he sounds very similar to my dh but a good bit more aware. A few people commented that his partner must feel like his mistress and that has really hit home. Some of you intimated that on here too and that's exactly how I feel. I feel like the add on, the ow, the mistress and I'm none of those things but that's how I'm being treated.

Im guessing he feels a lot of guilt over the end of his first marriage, when his dcs were quite little. You don't say anything about how the split happened but presumably his ex was not happy about it, and now the only way he can cope with the guilt (whether that guilt is justified or not is besidevthe point in a way) is not to face up to what he did/what he was a part of, but instead, to give his ex and family everything they ask to kind of 'make up for it' and smother over the feelings of guilt, which he cannot face and cannot bear.

My df was a bit like this. He could not bear the realisation that he had hurt anyone, even though, like all of us do sooner or later, he hurt people. His response was to close down like an absolute iron trap. Your dh's response is to do anything to enable himself to feel that he isn't a bad father, or whatever it is that he is terrified of thinking about himself

Then to crown it all for him, you are telling him he's hurting you as well. No wonder its fingers in the ears lalala time.

I am not in any way saying he deserves to feel guilty, we haven't been told what happened when his first marriage broke up. But there is something there to address and tbh unless he is able to address this, he might as well still be in that marriage. It dounds as though he is barely in yours

@candycane222 as far as I know nothing untoward happened. They just fell out of love, were arguing non stop, disagreed on everything and decided for everyone's sake to call it quits. But obviously I wasn't there so don't really know.
They were well divorced by the time I met him and things were cordial or at least seemed that way to me until we got married.

Well they stopped being cordial once he took the step of marrying you... Perhaps the kids were upset about your marry? I'm surprised you don't know more, seeing as how it is impacting on your current lives so much? Im not say ing he should not seeing his kids, of course he should. But so much? Complete ly on their/ theit mother's terms? Despite the expense? Something is driving him to work at this unhealthy level. His kids surely don't want him to drive himself into an early grave?

If he isn't being driven towards them by something irrational then what? I hope it's not that he is being driven away from you?

Well I spoke to him last night. He is going to move out. He said he can't relax around my dc and that I'm the one prioritising my dc over him.
I just can't even go there with that.

Oh op this is very sad for you but I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. No-one should be in a relationship where they are an afterthought or chore.

WoW - he can’t relax around your dc and you’re prioritising them? You must be stunned. Do you think he’s projecting? Fwiw I think it’s the only outcome after what you’ve said, his level of involvement in his other family seems odd, and you can’t be expected to live as another chore to slot in as and when - and very much further down the list behind his kids, exwife, tv and work.