Totally miserable in second marriage

[CarriesShoes]

Just that.
Dh & I married 5 years (together 8 in total). I have 3 dc (2 adults, one 16). He has 3dc also (1 adult, 2 older teens).
We live together but he also has a house where his dc live. He sees them there eow, every Friday night, during the week if he can, holidays etc.

We had a fantastic relationship before we got married and even though we had lots of commitments we made time for each other and we made it work.
After we married his exw (I was not ow) got really nasty and his dc ended up with awful loyalty binds so dh made the choice to see them one on one. He has also taken on extra work since then and works 12 hour days on a regular basis. He's not getting any younger and is permanently exhausted. I know the pandemic hasn't helped but our marriage now consists of

1. Him staying away if he's work away.
2. Him being away to see his dc.
3. Him coming home after a 12 hour day (and commute as he works all over) or from a weekend with his dc and him being absolutely knackered either way & falling asleep in front of the tv after half an hour.

He has no hobbies, takes no exercise, will take no time off (unless it's school related for his dc). If we go out he is literally yawning into his food or falls asleep in the cinema. His exw and dc treat him like an atm and he seems to think that if he isn't handing them all money and working all hours to earn it he's being a bad father. I am worried about him and have repeatedly tried to talk to him but he won't listen to me and won't change anything. I'm now so utterly miserable and fed up of being the one who has kept the relationship on the road since we got married that I honestly feels like leaving. I cannot bear the thought of my life being like this. He has always gotten on great with my dc but even that is now becoming a strain as his only interest is watching the bloody tv & if my elder two are staying (like over Christmas) & dh is here I feel constantly on edge because if dh can't get near a tv (if the dc manage to get to the TVs first) he literally does not know what else to do with himself and so goes into the office to catch up on paperwork. So he's either watching tv or working some more. I've tried to talk to him about depression but he uses his ability to work hard and power through as evidence of his positivity & tells me I'm the negative one. He has not arranged a date for us in about 3 years and I have booked every concert, holiday etc. that we have ever been on. Yes I admire his hard work attitude but it is wrecking him & our marriage. Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't want to give up but I cannot go on like this. I was in a bad marriage for 17 years and I just can't live through another one.

Oh @CarriesShoes I’m so sorry. I imagine you’re feeling pretty shell shocked right now.

None of us can predict what lays ahead and there is time for advice (like use this time to think about what you want). But for now?

Thank you.
Yes I am pretty shocked but also I'm not. In many ways I think I knew this would be the outcome. For whatever reason he checked out of this marriage a long time ago and it's probably easier for him to blame my dc and me that to look at what's going on in his own life.
There's a bit of a road ahead but thankfully there are no joint dc involved so while it will be incredibly hard it won't be anywhere near as awful as my first marriage breaking down.
I've spent some time on the step parenting board over the last few days and I'm beginning to think that maybe second or subsequent relationships where children are involved are just doomed. I feel that no matter what may be down the road I will NEVER get involved with a man with children ever again.

Wow, he’s saying you’re prioritising your children when he’s the one maintaining a whole separate house for his grown children?

He’s doing anything to avoid any emotional interactions or self reflection, at some level he probably knows this, but being in a relationship with someone like this is like trying to get comfort from a stone wall.

I’d take this as your get out clause, to be honest.

So hes blamed you and your DCs?

How is it he can't relax when seemingly he cant even stay awake around you, always falling asleep?!

He's no reason to work and live the way he does, his children aren't babies. Its a choice.

You'll get through this OP. At least you're not staring into future years of utter boredom with an absent husband who treats you as if you're a casual girlfriend or a mistress/chief cook and bottle washer.

Let him go, and build a new life for yourself. You have your DCs.

& I don't believe for a minute that his young adult DCs are spending all that time with him. Why on earth would they? At that age they're off with their mates, discovering life. Not hanging out with Dad. There's something way off-key here but whatever the case, it wont be your problem at least.

@DeeCeeCherry oh believe me they do spend that much time with him and I personally think it's very strange. The middle one not so much but the other two yes. The eldest is quite introverted and hasn't really moved beyond socialising with the family, both immediate and extended, and the youngest while having friends drops everything when dh is around and wants to spend all his time with dh.
I'm not sure if this is because of dh's behaviour or if dh's behaviour is because of dc's behaviour. It's a real chicken and egg situation. In fact so much of their interactions are chicken and egg situations.
Either way I'm out of it now. I've woken up feeling like I've been hit by a truck but I'm ok and also feel like a weight has lifted.

@CarriesShoes it’s hard to understand the situation fully but what I think is happening here (and I could be wrong) is that, simply put, there has always been some dysfunction/ unhealthy behaviours within that first family.

When you met him initially, it was either masked (by him deliberately) or it was more subtle / underlying stuff. The fact that you married and the EXW kicked off and caused the subsequent shit show talks to the core dynamic of your relationship between your H and EXW.

A healthy person would have managed it (especially since it happens years into your relationship). A healthy person would have been able to put in appropriate boundaries, say no to certain things and continue to prioritise their current marriage.

This stuff (I think) predates you. And (like many other situations), started to really show up once you were committed/ married to him. He no longer had to make an effort (with you) and he has effectively gone back to prioritising the people he wanted to - his EXW and his children.

If you look back, is there any early warning signs of their unhealthy attachment styles. Because what you are describing re the adult children isn’t healthy. There seems to be some sort of co-dependency/ controlling(?) possible element to their relationships. And the children won’t be doing that alone and it won’t have been started now. Your H will have been a key part of that and it will have started when the children were younger.

There is another thread that some of us are posting on (recovering from dysfunction) and tbh it seems that the situations where these sorts of issues are encountered are when there are unresolved issues within the first family - whether that’s abuse/ toxic behaviours/ unhealthy attachment styles.

I think where people don’t have these and partners who are resolved to make compromises and make things work (healthily), these marriages/ relationships stand a much higher chance of success.

I’m sorry this has happened.

I don’t think he is done however. What you’ve had is his initial reaction/ jab at you. He will be back saying he made a mistake etc etc. Which is why, if you can, I think you need to think about what it is you want. He won’t just walk away I don’t think.

I've spent some time on the step parenting board over the last few days and I'm beginning to think that maybe second or subsequent relationships where children are involved are just doomed. I feel that no matter what may be down the road I will NEVER get involved with a man with children ever again.
Sorry to hear that it's come as you expected OP. Honestly, though, this guy is really not typical. The issue is not with "men with children". It's with this man and his issues. There are plenty of other men around who manage things sensibly. My bf has a dd in her early teens, 50:50 with his ex, and manages to put his daughter first without pissing anyone else off. We both understand that we will prioritise our own children, and see that as good parenting. But we still both manage to find time for one another.
Sounds to me tbh like this workaholic did not spend much time with his children in the past and is desperately trying to make up for it now out of guilt - and the fact that you have always prioritised your children makes him feel bad.

I feel for you Op. It appears that he has issues that he isn't willing to face. He covers them by hiding behind work. He has given so much of himself to work that he can then only find time for his DC. Nothing for you or your marriage.

It is easier for him to blame you than to face his problems. And cowardly of him. You broached the subject with him - and he told you there was an issue. How long was he going to go along being miserable and distant if you hadn't asked him?

Stay strong for you and DC. I've a feeling you're going to be absolutely fine, and - as you said - likely feel some relief when he's gone.

Don't let him deflect the blame on to you though. You're the one who tried to resolve it. Who put all the effort in to the relationship. He's just done what he wanted to do, treated you as his landlady or OW, and then left when you questionned it. Not a good guy.

I also echo pp about men with children aren't all bad!

I'm on second marriage and we both have DCs. Many years on and genuinely no problems. In fact fewer 'sibling' issues than many blood siblings.

So please don't give him that get out. This was about him and how badlty he dealt with the situation. It isn't by any means the norm.

@sassbott I think you're probably pretty accurate in everything you say. In many ways this has been a pretty slow burn so I think it will take me some time to process it all. I always felt his dynamic with his dc was a bit off but thought well all children are different so it's really not my place to comment.
I do think there is guilt there at not being present. I would say this didn't really hit home until he met me as I would think with the family background he comes from he equated care and love with financial provision. I think there's also something else there in the wider family as he has one nephew in college who lives in his parents garage. He doesn't get on with his younger brother so won't like in the house but also won't live in college accommodation, and he has another niece (22) who is similar. She commutes 90 minutes to med school rather than leave home (money is not an issue).
When I said to him this weekend that all he does is work to pay for his dc he was incensed saying he also works to pay for our future. What future? We share not one bank account. I see none of his money (not that I want to). As I then pointed out there can be no future as we have no present!
I do think he'll be back but I am resolute. He said some things about my dc that I will not be able to forget. I am well aware of my dc's good and bad points but he basically picked apart their personalities not their behaviours and I will not forgive him for that. I think he is a very hurt and angry person but that cannot be my problem any longer.
@layladomino I would genuinely be interested in how you and your dh made having 2 sets of dc work.

Hi Op.

We were perhaps fortunate that there were no bitter or angry ex's in the background. It sounds as though your husband's first wife was angry when you got married, and has likely poisoned her children against you. So you would have had an uphill struggle.

We didn't have that challenge.

We took time to spend time one on one with our respective children, also had fun family times, careful to treat them fairly at all times. Again, we were lucky that we had similar ideas around discipline and ground rules. There were a few that needed ironing out at the start (think things like bed times) - we found compromises so we weren't seen to be treating them differently.

I'm not pretending we were brilliant at it. As I said, I think we were fortunate that there was no unpleasantness going on in the background. You were really unlucky, and in another set of circumstances meeting someone with children wouldn't have necessarily meant unhappiness for you.