What do I do in this situation, please help

[Metooyoubear]

Name change for this as it’s one that is very personal.

Single with DD (7), was in a relationship for 10 years from age 18. Had DD and after emotional abuse and financial abuse left the relationship. My confidence and self esteem was at the lowest it’s ever been. Fast forward 6 months later and began a new relationship, realised it wasn't for me (nice guy but not right for me).

Been single now for 3 years. About a year ago began spending lot of time with ex. It started on DDs birthday where we agreed to spend birthdays and christmases together to make it special for DD. Spent a lot of time together this Christmas and I became very attached (previously I haven’t).

He messaged this morning and told me his heads a mess with the situation and that he feels all over the place.

I have never ever opened up about something which has torn me apart now for 14 years, but I feel like I am at breaking point at the moment, as I can’t function day to day. I have quite a high powered job role which I can’t afford to mess up but it’s having an effect on my ability to think clearly at the moment. A few friends and family members are concerned about me (i tell them I’m just bogged down in my work). When I was 18 I had been with my Ex for around 3 months, and I went on a night out for very drunk and cheated on him. This haunted me for over 10 years of my life. He was a very insecure person as his parents had a highly dysfunctional relationship centred around affairs etc and it really damaged his childhood.

He was abusive in the relationship emotionally, but I deserved that. I couldn’t cope with him being nice as the guilty continuously consumed me. For the whole of my 20s (very sad looking back), I made promise to myself that I didn’t deserve good times with friends or nitfgts out and very much lead a sheltered life with him as I felt I owed him that.

Anyway, fast forward to today and he has admitted having feelings for me and that he wants to talk face to face and all this guilt has come flooding back. I feel physically sick. I have begun to imagine having a future again with him as I really miss him, but I know I can’t because I can’t live with this guilt any longer. I have never opened up about this and I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I’ve had panic attacks in work, I feel really detached from the world as If I’m not really here. I feel like I am never going to be able to remove this situation from my head.

I want to tell him but I know he would hate me for it, he wouldn’t speak to me again and I know it would create huge tension around us and make things very hostile for our DD. And I just want her to have 2 really happy parents. Plus I feel like such a fraud my close friends think he is terrible for the way he treated me, but really what I have done is awful. I really need to get this off my chest. When I left the relationship everybody told me I looked care free for the first time and happy. But I felt like that huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This has literally consumed me my whole adult life and I genuinely don’t think I can ever get over what I done, I feel like my future is going to be very miserable. I’m now 32.

Does anybody have any words of advice.

"Had DD and after emotional abuse and financial abuse left the relationship."

Why do you want to even consider being with this man?

What you did is irrelevant to the fact that he was abusive towards you.

Do not go back to an abusive partner.

Keep that relationship in the past, and your misdemeanour, which really doesn't matter any more, stays in the past too.

Essentially, you are using what you did as a stick to beat yourself, which is self abuse, and you're considering taking back an abusive partner. He is the trigger for all of this. Stay away from triggers.

Walk away. He will abuse you again.

Oh op you are REALLY beating yourself up for all the wrong reasons.
Yes you had an affair but that is not the point here… this man is not good for you he had been abusive…
You need to do the Freedom Program and get some counselling…
Stay single, learn how to forgive yourself for the affair, (you were very young )and l suspect not very happy in your relationship.
It’s neither normal or healthy to dwell for so long on a mistake.. accept it for that and move on. Learn to be kind to you and love yourself before considering any relationship.
Learn about boundaries so you don’t fall for an abuser again.
Keep ex at arms length and disconnect from him emotionally.
You owe him nothing, throw away that misplaced guilt..

Also, what you did at 18 is something lots of people do. 18 year olds aren't known for their sexual discretion. I was in a relationship at 20 and had an affair. It's perfectly possible to move on from stuff like this, and from the relationships damaged by it, but it's in your hands.

It's your responsibility to take care of you, here. It's perfectly obvious what you need to do, isn't it?

Do NOT go back with this man, if he has abused you once, he can easily do it again.

Honestly, forget about the 'cheating' he's vanishingly unlikely ever to find out, you need to put it behind you.

But please do not get back together with him.

Deep down I think he knew about the cheating. It was a one night stand with a random person, and he questioned that night over and over again for 10 years so I feel like he would have been a decent person in the relationship. But I think his insecurity around that night (and rightly so) destroyed him and I have always used that reasoning for his behaviour.

Nobody's behaviour is a reason for somebody to abuse them.

If he was unhappy about your mistake, as a responsible adult, he would have left the relationship.

Think about it: if this was the other way round, would you have subjected him to years of abuse? Would you have seen it as the behaviour of an emotionally healthy adult? 'You cheated on me, so I'm going to treat you like a piece of shit for years on end, without ever discussing it with you, without ever telling you what I'm upset about, without ever giving you an opportunity to speak about it'?

You had a one night stand 14 years ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive for ?7 years.

Who owes who an apology here? What amends is he making to you?

Why do you think his suspicion of the ONS justifies the abuse? Why do you think you ’deserve’ the abuse because you made a mistake?

He’s really done a number on you. And now he’s got you dancing to his tune again, poor confused baby that he is. Bollocks. This is abuse, again. You are giving him attention, it’s all about him.

Do not tell him. You’ve told us about your mistake. Tell the Samaritans, or a counsellor, or a very trusted friend. Express your guilt then accept it. It’s done, you can’t change it but you can accept you are flawed, you’ve learnt that you have grown and matured. You’ve learnt what it damaged in you but it doesn’t define you.

And please disengage from your ex again. You are better than this. Find someone with a clean slate. The baggage and abuse mean this is so toxic and bad for you, and him, if that matters.

No, OP, you did not cause your Ex to be emotionally and financially abusive. That is who he is, and he will abuse you again if you reunite with him. Why on earth would you jeopardize DD’s well-being by exposing her to that toxic dynamic?

You are in desperate need of individual counseling to learn how to process and let go of these self-destructive feelings.

@MsDogLady

No, OP, you did not cause your Ex to be emotionally and financially abusive. That is who he is, and he will abuse you again if you reunite with him. Why on earth would you jeopardize DD’s well-being by exposing her to that toxic dynamic?

You are in desperate need of individual counseling to learn how to process and let go of these self-destructive feelings.

This. A single one night stand doesn't mean you deserve a decade of abuse. Please get counseling to shake this out of the head. Do not get back with him, your guilt and feeling of obligation is misplaced. You are safer away from him.

He’s trying to fuck with your head again.
You’ve had great advice here. Do not get involved with him again. Ever.

@TheFoundation that’s the problem he asked me countless times over the years to open up and tell him what happened that night and I lied continuously.

I feel like I robbed him of all that time he spent with me, he could be happily married now with a family not having to feel insecure that somebody has cheated on him.

I thought all this guilt had vanished but I’ve grown so attached to him lately. I feel like we’re really close and I consider him a really good friend. I feel like I’m going through a break up all over again as in the summer we naturally became close and then he asked me to go on a date which I said no that would be weird without DD, so he said that he couldn’t carry on going out with us as it would confuse DD.

I felt lost without him being around. Then over Christmas we went away the 3 of us over night and it felt like we were a family. It felt really special.

I had covid last week and he cooked me meals, done all my shopping, he is my shoulder to cry on literally, he is always doing jobs in my house (I rely on him far too much) but I just really love being around him. I genuinely can’t imagine my life now with anybody else, and I was so hoping he had changed. But even if he had changed I know deep down because of my mistake I couldn’t go back and put myself through living like I did.

I keep reading and re-reading all of this advice, thank you for letting me open up. I feel like today something went off inside me, whereby I was ready to just scream and get rid of this horrible secret that I’ve been carrying around now for the whole of my adult life. This is really helping offloading here.

You have done so well so far. Please listen to us as you don't want to go back. You are a powerful woman, you are more than capable. Please just keep going forward

Really drop the guilt.
It's over and done with.
Get therapy if you need to.
We've all done things we regret.
But life is for living.
You've carried this long enough.
Drop and live your best life.
Do it for your child if not for you.
Take your relationship slowly.
Let it unfold in away you are comfortable with.
Your ex may need therapy to help him comes to terms with his parents relationship
My dad always said live your best life.
You're a long time dead.

You didn't rob him of anything; he chose to be with you. Accept responsibility for what is yours: you had a one night stand, you lied about it. That's it.

Give him responsibility for what is his: he abused you, emotionally, for many years.

Abuse involves a cycle. Part of the cycle is that the abuser is nice to you; it draws you back in. It stops you leaving them, because it gives you something in the relationship to want, to try for. It's what he's doing now.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Don't fall for it. Yours is a classic abuse situation. He goes round that cycle, and you blame yourself for his behaviour. And you rely on him, so he always gets to come back.

You're being manipulated. Think about what he's done to you. Think about the thing that made you feel worst, out of all the mistreatment over the years. Could you do that to someone, and live with yourself? Why isn't he beating himself up for all his appalling behaviour, when you're beating yourself up for one ancient mistake when you were barely an adult? Because you're a decent person, with a conscience, and he isn't.

He will go on playing you for as long as you let him. Get a grip of the idea that you will feel shit if he's nice to you and you'll feel shit if he doesn't. Whatever the reasons, you need to get him out of your life, to get away from the shit feeling.

If you can work anywhere, is it possible to move nearer your friends or sister even though there are issues there? Think you need to cabinet on the relationship. He sounds bitter and twisted. Take a deep breath, release and start anew. Don't look back. You're done. Wtf does he think u are? A boomerang? He's treated you appallingly. He's shown no respect for you. Don't let him do this again. I'm angry on your behalf!

@TheFoundation I will have a read of the link that you sent across, thank you. It really resonates with me what you say about feeling shit if he’s nice to me and feeling shit if he isn’t.

I feel like I’ve played the victim for so long to my close best friend and family and sister, when things were bad I sometimes leaned on them to help me through those dark times/ bad patches I went through with him.

I really feel like I need to rectify all of that now and tell them I’m not as sweet and innocent as you all think. I feel like all of a sudden I need to get this all out, because it is destroying me. It’s helping tonight share this. I turned to mumsnet when I decided I was going to leave and all the advice really helped me, I was so appreciative for all of the support.

I don’t know why this is a huge bug bearer of mine, but he’s such an amazing dad to my DD and one day in the future I would like that family unit again. When I use to work he would always have tea cooked for me, he paid all the bills, would listen to me talk for hours, in a way life felt easier than it currently do as a single mum. But then in the back of my mind I have to keep reminding myself of all the dark times within the relationship also.

He's not a brilliant dad. He's a shit dad. Only a shit dad would abuse his children's mum. It really is that simple.

Healthy relationships don't have dark times. They have issues, which get discussed and resolved. It's that simple.

Nobody is going to give a flying fandoodle about a shag you had when you were 18. It's that simple.

There's nothing complicated here, and nothing worthy of debate or indecision: You need to walk away from this abusive man, because having a relationship with him causes you endless pain.

@TheFoundation thank you you’ve given me really great advice here

One night of sex with someone when you're only 18. really, really doesn't matter. Forgive yourself, although there's nothing to forgive! Whether you did or whether you didn't, nothing excuses the way he treated you. Just walk away or you're heading for more emotional and financial abuse!

Dont get back together. Don’t tell him. Keep things good for your daughter if he’s her dad. Good luck you can do this.

A one-nighter when you were 18 and had known your ex a mere 12 weeks, and had no commitment, is dominating your life all these years later?

A professional needs to help you with this. For your daughter's sake. Please don't become involved again.