What do I do in this situation, please help

[Metooyoubear]

Name change for this as it’s one that is very personal.

Single with DD (7), was in a relationship for 10 years from age 18. Had DD and after emotional abuse and financial abuse left the relationship. My confidence and self esteem was at the lowest it’s ever been. Fast forward 6 months later and began a new relationship, realised it wasn't for me (nice guy but not right for me).

Been single now for 3 years. About a year ago began spending lot of time with ex. It started on DDs birthday where we agreed to spend birthdays and christmases together to make it special for DD. Spent a lot of time together this Christmas and I became very attached (previously I haven’t).

He messaged this morning and told me his heads a mess with the situation and that he feels all over the place.

I have never ever opened up about something which has torn me apart now for 14 years, but I feel like I am at breaking point at the moment, as I can’t function day to day. I have quite a high powered job role which I can’t afford to mess up but it’s having an effect on my ability to think clearly at the moment. A few friends and family members are concerned about me (i tell them I’m just bogged down in my work). When I was 18 I had been with my Ex for around 3 months, and I went on a night out for very drunk and cheated on him. This haunted me for over 10 years of my life. He was a very insecure person as his parents had a highly dysfunctional relationship centred around affairs etc and it really damaged his childhood.

He was abusive in the relationship emotionally, but I deserved that. I couldn’t cope with him being nice as the guilty continuously consumed me. For the whole of my 20s (very sad looking back), I made promise to myself that I didn’t deserve good times with friends or nitfgts out and very much lead a sheltered life with him as I felt I owed him that.

Anyway, fast forward to today and he has admitted having feelings for me and that he wants to talk face to face and all this guilt has come flooding back. I feel physically sick. I have begun to imagine having a future again with him as I really miss him, but I know I can’t because I can’t live with this guilt any longer. I have never opened up about this and I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I’ve had panic attacks in work, I feel really detached from the world as If I’m not really here. I feel like I am never going to be able to remove this situation from my head.

I want to tell him but I know he would hate me for it, he wouldn’t speak to me again and I know it would create huge tension around us and make things very hostile for our DD. And I just want her to have 2 really happy parents. Plus I feel like such a fraud my close friends think he is terrible for the way he treated me, but really what I have done is awful. I really need to get this off my chest. When I left the relationship everybody told me I looked care free for the first time and happy. But I felt like that huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This has literally consumed me my whole adult life and I genuinely don’t think I can ever get over what I done, I feel like my future is going to be very miserable. I’m now 32.

Does anybody have any words of advice.

IMO OP, you need him to back off. He's still around messing with your head.

Honestly you need to face up to the fact that he is an abuser. Plenty of people have shitty childhoods and don't grow up to make their partner sit facing the wall and walk around looking at the floor.

It's all just excuses for the fact that he likes controlling you. He's capable of being nice which proves that it's a choice to treat you badly.

You need to get him out of your life and head and cut the relationship down to co-parenting only.

That means stop the "family time" and he has contact with DD without you being there. You talk to him about DD only and grey rock if he tries to discuss anything else.

You don't have to have this "big talk" that he's planning, in fact I would strongly advise you to tell him that it's not going to happen and there's nothing to discuss.

Whatever you do fgs don't tell him about the past, just leave it there. It will become another stick to beat you with.

It's time to make a decision to put yourself and your DD first instead of this abusive arsehole.

Please seek therapy and work on your self care and self esteem. No one deserves abuse, no matter what silly mistake they made.
You still are worthy of the love and sympathy from your family regardless of what mistake you made and I wouldn't tell them about this either.

I wish you strength and a happy future without torturing yourself over the past.

I don't think the Samaritans will be very helpful, to be fair. They're not allowed to give advice, and will probably just say things like "it must feel like X" or "that must be very difficult" - I don't find them a great deal of help.