What do I do in this situation, please help

[Metooyoubear]

Name change for this as it’s one that is very personal.

Single with DD (7), was in a relationship for 10 years from age 18. Had DD and after emotional abuse and financial abuse left the relationship. My confidence and self esteem was at the lowest it’s ever been. Fast forward 6 months later and began a new relationship, realised it wasn't for me (nice guy but not right for me).

Been single now for 3 years. About a year ago began spending lot of time with ex. It started on DDs birthday where we agreed to spend birthdays and christmases together to make it special for DD. Spent a lot of time together this Christmas and I became very attached (previously I haven’t).

He messaged this morning and told me his heads a mess with the situation and that he feels all over the place.

I have never ever opened up about something which has torn me apart now for 14 years, but I feel like I am at breaking point at the moment, as I can’t function day to day. I have quite a high powered job role which I can’t afford to mess up but it’s having an effect on my ability to think clearly at the moment. A few friends and family members are concerned about me (i tell them I’m just bogged down in my work). When I was 18 I had been with my Ex for around 3 months, and I went on a night out for very drunk and cheated on him. This haunted me for over 10 years of my life. He was a very insecure person as his parents had a highly dysfunctional relationship centred around affairs etc and it really damaged his childhood.

He was abusive in the relationship emotionally, but I deserved that. I couldn’t cope with him being nice as the guilty continuously consumed me. For the whole of my 20s (very sad looking back), I made promise to myself that I didn’t deserve good times with friends or nitfgts out and very much lead a sheltered life with him as I felt I owed him that.

Anyway, fast forward to today and he has admitted having feelings for me and that he wants to talk face to face and all this guilt has come flooding back. I feel physically sick. I have begun to imagine having a future again with him as I really miss him, but I know I can’t because I can’t live with this guilt any longer. I have never opened up about this and I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I’ve had panic attacks in work, I feel really detached from the world as If I’m not really here. I feel like I am never going to be able to remove this situation from my head.

I want to tell him but I know he would hate me for it, he wouldn’t speak to me again and I know it would create huge tension around us and make things very hostile for our DD. And I just want her to have 2 really happy parents. Plus I feel like such a fraud my close friends think he is terrible for the way he treated me, but really what I have done is awful. I really need to get this off my chest. When I left the relationship everybody told me I looked care free for the first time and happy. But I felt like that huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This has literally consumed me my whole adult life and I genuinely don’t think I can ever get over what I done, I feel like my future is going to be very miserable. I’m now 32.

Does anybody have any words of advice.

I barely remember being 18 let alone allow a youthful incident to "destroy " my life. You owe no one any explanation.

Please find help to move on.

You're being manipulated. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. A teenage one night stand you'd barely remember, let alone think about constantly if not for his years of controlling, obsessive questioning.
Really try to get some counselling. You're so under his thumb. Get yourself free.

[quote Metooyoubear]@TheFoundation thank you you’ve given me really great advice here[/quote]
I’m glad you recognise that that’s great advice.

Fwiw, I cheated on my now-DH when we were 18. We were different people back then. We grew up. Your ex didn’t grow up and deal with his insecurities and trust issues, regardless of your 1 night of bad judgment. He became emotionally abusive instead.

He’s still manipulating you, really. Draw the boundaries, do it now, before you all get hurt again.

Then get some talking therapy - it’s worth paying, so you can healthily deal with your guilt and move on.

So what if you cheated on him way back then ?
He’s used that to emotionally abuse you all these years and he’s still doing it.
He’s manipulating you and playing on your guilt.

It’s time you felt some anger at his behaviour towards you and made him accountable for how he’s treated you.

He’s not a great dad because he’s abused you.
Your DD will think this is how men treat women and will normalise it, increasing her chances of ending up in an abusive relationship.

Do not get back together with this man.

If he had high suspicions that you cheated on him, he should have dealt with it in the normal way and ended the relationship.
You should get some counselling for yourself to help you move on. Was there there any abuse at home during your childhood ?

I think you come clean. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

What you've done is kind of gaslighting in denying something which is true. Not doing it once but time and again.

Whenever a poster writes that - notwithstanding what their “partner” is doing to them - they are an amazing dad / step dad etc I always see that as an indicator as to how pervasive and damaging certain forms of abuse have impacted upon them.

This person is NOT an amazing dad to your child. He guilt trips and plays with her mother’s head and has eaten away at your right to a life free of being puppet mastered by him for a thrill.

He is the exact opposite of an amazing dad. An amazing dad know and shows his or his partner’s children that their mother is an equal, to be treated with respect and kindness. Not someone to hollow out and pick apart before their innocent eyes.

You cannot continue this life he will ruin what is left of it for you. People like this don’t change. Get out. Misplaced and undeserved gratitude are clouding your vision. That’s down to him but you have a choice to set the bar higher for yourself.

@Casper001

I think you come clean. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

What you've done is kind of gaslighting in denying something which is true. Not doing it once but time and again.

He's abusive. OP has had plenty of reactions from him to tell her everything she needs to know. You don't offer an abuser a stick to beat you with.

@Casper001

I think you come clean. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

What you've done is kind of gaslighting in denying something which is true. Not doing it once but time and again.

You think she should tell THIS specific man that she cheated on him a decade ago?

He was abusive in the relationship emotionally, but I deserved that.

A man who emotionally abused her to the point she felt she deserved it?

What possible reason is there for giving an abuser decade old information that would give them ammunition to continue, or worsen their abuse?

Do you realise your advice is actually dangerous and if taken would put OP at risk?

Tell a counsellor if you need to tell someone. Do not tell him. You say he suspects, and what did he do? He held it over you for YEARS. He's been toying with your feelings of guilt. (And this is for something that happened once, when you were on a break, and he was doing it too?)
He's being nice now. If you tell him, I guarantee that within months, weeks or days he will start to blame you and make you feel like shit again. He's just biding his time - he needs someone to blame for his own inadequacy, and he's chosen you.

There were reasons you broke up.

What were they?
It's easy to forget those things when you've been apart and he's back being nice.

Write down all the rotten things he did to you and read it as many times as you need to.

I really didn’t expect the response that I have had here. I expected everybody to tell me to come clean and be honest with him. I genuinely believed that I was at fault here. So thank you for helping to open my eyes and see this from an outsiders point of view.

@RantyAunty I often forget about all the bad points in the relationship. But two things stand out - he accused me of looking at men constantly when we were out so I literally walked around looking at the floor and once he asked if we could change seats at a restaurant because I was facing a man (who was with his wife) in case I was looking at him. So I changed seats so I was staring at the wall! Then when I was in labour he left me to take his dad to the shop and I went into labour in his dads bath on my own, luckily we did get to the hospital with 20minutes to spare. He had to go through my phone and email accounts every now and again to check I wasent upto anything , and when I set up social media and I told him he threw my phone at the wall. These were just a few isolated incidents over the years.

I think I rely on him too much, I have been reading a lot today and think I have codependency issues with him. And when I see this much nicer side to him I quickly forget the negative things. So I need to keep reminding myself like previous posters have said.

Well done for listening and thinking about this OP. He's been able to worm his way back into your life to the extent that you forgot that:
I literally walked around looking at the floor
I changed seats so I was staring at the wall

This is extreme domination and coercive control. He is not a good man. What message is your 7 year old daughter getting from seeing her mother walking with her head down facing the floor? I presume she was present when he will he instructed you to sit facing the wall?

You need some serious help to extricate yourself from his clutches OP. He's dangerous to both you and your daughter.

@Goatsaregreat it was before DD was born. I don’t think he’s done anything like that in front of DD but I’m sure she’s picked up on tension at times.

I don't wish to be harsh OP, but given that you've continued with a relationship and had a child with a man who made you sit facing a wall in a restaurant and walk with your head down, I suspect you might also be able to gloss over any oppressive behaviour in front of your DD??

@Goatsaregreat That’s very true, everything is a mess. I’ve buried my head in other distractions for so long that I need to start processing it all logically.

Thank you for all of the comments.

Ex has asked if we can have a chat which is making me feel really on edge, he said his heads gone and he doesn’t know what’s going on. He said we can have a chat or we can forgot about things and focus purely on DD. The thing is last time this happened in the summer, he really distanced himself from me, and I felt really lost without him. I have good friends and brilliant family but I felt a huge part of my life was missing. I’m scared to go through that ‘break up’ again.

I’m judging by all of these comments from posters that he will defitnley never change? I just keep hoping that maybe he has matured and will be in the exception that do change.

@Metooyoubear

Thank you for all of the comments.

Ex has asked if we can have a chat which is making me feel really on edge, he said his heads gone and he doesn’t know what’s going on. He said we can have a chat or we can forgot about things and focus purely on DD. The thing is last time this happened in the summer, he really distanced himself from me, and I felt really lost without him. I have good friends and brilliant family but I felt a huge part of my life was missing. I’m scared to go through that ‘break up’ again.

I’m judging by all of these comments from posters that he will defitnley never change? I just keep hoping that maybe he has matured and will be in the exception that do change.

It is vastly, vastly, vastly more likely he won't change as a partner and would return to being abusive to you.

It is therefore in your child's best interests for you to absolutely draw a line under the possibility of getting back together with him romantically, even if it means he is less engaged with her because to be honest if he's not interested in seeing her as frequently as he has done when he's assuming you'll sleep with him again at some point... he isn't really there for her anyway.

Draw a line under it. Take control. And for gods sake please don't tell this emotionally abusive ex that you cheated a decade ago. That is only going to negatively affect your coparenting as he will use that fact to punish you and make you feel shit about yourself.

It is NOT in the best interests of your daughter for you to tell her dad that you cheated on her all that time ago.

So draw the line and focus only on coparenting. Don't have a big sit down chat that will inevitably turn into him fucking with your head and / or you 'confessing' to him when you're exhausted and confused.

Be proactive. Take control. Tell him you've made your decision.

Then follow through.

You have never had to cope with life on your own before this, and it scares you. But you can do this. You really need to do this, then you'll see for yourself that you don't need him. And you'll realise that you and your DC are better off, and safer, without him. The only way to do it, is to do it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you. His mum had lots of affairs on his dad when younger and he grew up resenting her. When I got together with ex his dad was still very bitter and would tell me continuously how awful his ex wife was. So I would absolutely hate for that to be repeated for my DD.

@KosherDill

A one-nighter when you were 18 and had known your ex a mere 12 weeks, and had no commitment, is dominating your life all these years later?

A professional needs to help you with this. For your daughter's sake. Please don't become involved again.

Exactly. If your relationship had fizzled out then, would you still be beating yourself up 14 years later that you had cheated on Poor Old Bill? No, I don't think so. I think you've told yourself this story to cope with the verbal bullying and abuse he's handed out for years.

[quote Metooyoubear]@youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you. His mum had lots of affairs on his dad when younger and he grew up resenting her. When I got together with ex his dad was still very bitter and would tell me continuously how awful his ex wife was. So I would absolutely hate for that to be repeated for my DD.[/quote]
It's not the repetition of his history that's the problem Metooyoubear. You're not having lots of affairs.
It's your fear of being alone and desperation to be with him despite his abusive behaviour that's the issue. That's what will leave a lasting impact on your daughter. A man who is so abusive that he makes you sit facing a wall in a restaurant? And a mother who is unable to protect herself and her daughter from this abuse.

Hopefully his wish for a discussion is an opportunity for you to agree that it's too complicated and not working.

I'm going to be a bit harsh here but so much of what you've written is about your fear of being alone (and that's understandable). But you have a child who is in danger of being plunged back into a toxic family relationship. You said your friends are horrified at how he's treated you. Reach out to them and get support - they're on your side. Speak to Women's Aid or another organisation. You're already living apart - you've done much of the hard bit. You need to go forwards, not backwards.

@Dragongirl10

Oh op you are REALLY beating yourself up for all the wrong reasons. Yes you had an affair but that is not the point here… this man is not good for you he had been abusive… You need to do the Freedom Program and get some counselling… Stay single, learn how to forgive yourself for the affair, (you were very young )and l suspect not very happy in your relationship. It’s neither normal or healthy to dwell for so long on a mistake.. accept it for that and move on. Learn to be kind to you and love yourself before considering any relationship. Learn about boundaries so you don’t fall for an abuser again. Keep ex at arms length and disconnect from him emotionally. You owe him nothing, throw away that misplaced guilt..

I don't think she had an affair and I don't think it was a relationship. It was a new boyfriend of maximum 12 weeks, they were 18 and she got drunk on a night out and had a one night stand.

That said, the ex-partner/father of child has been a bullying nightmare and should not be told about this irrelevant act. No, it's not something to be proud of, but we all make mistakes. Bullying, abuse and thuggery (verbal and emotional) are not mistakes, they are a sign of a messed-up person.

You're right with everything else you say. I suspect OP has seized on this as self-flagellation, almost, in order to excuse the man because she really wanted the relationship to work for the sake of their little girl, when it has no chance really because of who he is.

@Metooyoubear

Deep down I think he knew about the cheating. It was a one night stand with a random person, and he questioned that night over and over again for 10 years so I feel like he would have been a decent person in the relationship. But I think his insecurity around that night (and rightly so) destroyed him and I have always used that reasoning for his behaviour.

No, you are making excuses for him and deflecting the blame for his behaviour onto yourself, because you don't want to believe he is an abusive person at heart.

@Metooyoubear

OP I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time and agree with other posters that you DO NOT do anything to get closer to your controlling and abusive Ex - including this cozy chat he is asking for. It will only further confuse you and, sadly your child.

I suggest you cut out these "family" events and rebuild your boundaries and a future where you focus is on your daughter and on your own mental health.

Please, please, see a professional if you need to "confess" or discuss the anxiety you are feeling (check online for BACP professionals) and, until you find a therapist you can trust, maybe speak to The Samaritans, as someone else suggested.

Whenever you feel yourself being drawn back to your Ex, please re-read your thread, both your post and responses. In particular read your post below, and reflect if the person you have written about is someone you should be getting closer to - to your own detriment.

I often forget about all the bad points in the relationship. But two things stand out - he accused me of looking at men constantly when we were out so I literally walked around looking at the floor and once he asked if we could change seats at a restaurant because I was facing a man (who was with his wife) in case I was looking at him. So I changed seats so I was staring at the wall! Then when I was in labour he left me to take his dad to the shop and I went into labour in his dads bath on my own, luckily we did get to the hospital with 20minutes to spare. He had to go through my phone and email accounts every now and again to check I wasent upto anything , and when I set up social media and I told him he threw my phone at the wall. These were just a few isolated incidents over the years.

There is violence in this person, OP. Why would you subject yourself to more of this?

I really hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your DC - and wish you all the best for a happier future. 🌹