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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone still with their first ever partner?

57 replies

Kt6346 · 19/01/2022 20:23

I'm married to the only guy I've ever been with and I'm unhappy even though he is still in love with me. I'm not sure I have ever been as "in love" with him as he has been with me. I feel really jealous (and terrible) that I don't feel that way about him...

OP posts:
ISmellBurnings · 19/01/2022 20:36

God no. I had a long term relationship from 16-22. We would have been divorced by now if we’d married. We grew apart, or rather I grew up and he didn’t. Thankfully we split up and I’m not happily married.

It was hard, he was devastated but it was absolutely the right decision and I had a few single years/boyfriends before meeting DH.

Don’t stay with someone because you’re scared of hurting them.

ISmellBurnings · 19/01/2022 20:38

Hahaha I am happily married! I don’t know where that ‘not’ came from. 🤣

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2022 20:40

I married someone I was with early on.

And divorced him.

Best decision I made except for having DD.

TwinMum89 · 19/01/2022 20:43

I am happily married to my first partner. Been together 13 years in September and married for six years in November. We have 2.5 year old twins so don’t get much time to ourselves but I love him as much as ever.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/01/2022 20:44

I could only wish I was still with my first partner. Unfortunately ever man since him have been twats or just not compatible.

However one of ex's was more into me than I was into him and it was just a recipe for disaster. I thought it would be great to be in a relationship like that but really it was soul destroying. I actually felt very lonely and I grew to resent him and to like him less and less as time went by. Like you I was jealous and wished I was into him as much as he was in to me.

RevolvingPivot · 19/01/2022 20:44

First serious by yes. Together nearly 16 years.

sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2022 20:46

OP you deserve to be happy.

Whether that’s where couples have only been together a short while or a long while, you deserve to live your life with a partner who makes you feel good. Life’s too short.

BigFatLiar · 19/01/2022 20:47

Yes, married 30+ years. Still fine.

Numbersarefun · 19/01/2022 20:48

Me!
We’ve been together for 29 years now. I have had periods of wondering what it would be like to be with someone else, but we’re ticking along ok. 2 children have now left home and youngest is in her 3rd year at university.

Kt6346 · 19/01/2022 21:06

Thanks everyone, interesting replies! We have an almost 3 year old son and tbh I think him coming along, plus the way the world has been the past couple of years, have changed my outlook on things, and also changed me as a person. Ultimately I feel like we've just grown apart although he disagrees and is still as in love as he's ever been. There was a time about 4 years into our relationship where I just had the urge to be on my own but I felt like I couldn't break his heart so I stayed and that feeling went away, but I'm now wondering if I just buried it. Obviously I wouldn't change anything because we have had some great times together, we have the most beautiful boy and having him really is the best thing I've ever done (hardest but best!) But now I'm in turmoil about what to do. I feel like it's so hard to think about your own happiness when there's a child involved. He's a good person and on paper I have the perfect life, but I've been unhappy for a while now. I do keep thinking life's too short but I'm also terrified because breaking up my family would be the biggest and scariest thing I've ever gone through. I think a lot of people would be shocked and upset (I've tried talking to my mum about it but I always just get the impression that I'd be disappointing her if I ended my marriage). I'm trying to focus on what I want but it's difficult. I also made some mistakes and got close to a work colleague who I had a connection with (nothing happened and I've since distanced myself because I know I can't leave just because I like someone else), but those feelings I think just opened my eyes to how I'd gotten used to not feeling the way I probably should in a loving relationship.
Sorry to ramble and thank you to anyone who's read this! 😅

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2022 21:11

I think long term relationships always take effort and work, it isn’t always easy. But if you feel like more time than not, you’re unhappy, then that is a sign. Have you thought about counselling to try to surface how you’re feeling a bit? It’s hard to work out what’s boredom versus you’re with the wrong person.

Kt6346 · 19/01/2022 21:15

@sheeplikessleep

I think long term relationships always take effort and work, it isn’t always easy. But if you feel like more time than not, you’re unhappy, then that is a sign. Have you thought about counselling to try to surface how you’re feeling a bit? It’s hard to work out what’s boredom versus you’re with the wrong person.
I have thought about it although I'm not keen on the idea of couples counselling. I think I might benefit from individual counselling though. We do talk a lot about things, I try to communicate how I'm feeling but it's hard to be honest without just really hurting his feelings 😕
OP posts:
ffscovid · 19/01/2022 21:17

I am. I'm 40 and have been with DP since we were 17.

ZZGirl · 19/01/2022 21:18

16 years, married, no kids, we're 31 and still very happy

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/01/2022 21:19

I've had two marriages. One 8 years the next almost 20 years. What I got from it is the knowledge that I am not any good at living with men and they piss me off just by breathing so I stay single these days.
I have a gay male friend my age I go out to dinner or to the cinema with. All the fun none of the hassle.
People in the past used to only live to 30 or 40 odd so marriages lasted a lifetime but now we can easily br married for 70 years and people don't tend to want to stick it out that long. Also there is no social disgrace in divorce now.

Racingadmin · 19/01/2022 21:22

27 years , married 20 years and Dh is still my favourite person to spend time with.

We met fairly young (still at school) and have basically grown into adults together

shedevill · 19/01/2022 21:56

Engaged to marry him. The only person I've ever kisses, said I love you, etc.!

Kt6346 · 20/01/2022 08:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

I married someone I was with early on.

And divorced him.

Best decision I made except for having DD.

Was your DD with your husband or a partner after him?
OP posts:
layladomino · 20/01/2022 10:41

A few of my close friends / family are still with their first gf/bf decades on, and thankfully I think they are all very happily married.

It seems some people are just very fortunate and meet someone they could spend their life with very early on. (This only works if you are both already pretty much who you're going to be, or you change and mature in the same way. There is a bigger risk of 'growing apart' when you get together very young).

The benefit of having several bf / gf before settling down is that you have something to compare with, rather than assuming that something is normal or to be expected just because your only bf does it.

The risk of being with your first partner forever is that you could be left with 'what if...?'

The (couple of) people I know who have regretted it, committed more than they should to their first bf because they felt pressure to settle down / get a ring / have a wedding. By the time they realised they'd made a mistake they were too far down the slope and then just continued being swept due to either a fear of changing things or (real or perceived) family expectations. It's sad as I think they may lay on the death bed and think 'what if?'. In one case, my friend's life would have been so different if she was single, or with someone more suited, and she is missing out on experiences for fear of rocking the boat.

It may be that your relationship has run its course. If it has there's no need to feel guilt. It just is what it is. But for both your sakes you need to get your head around ending things. Please don't look back with regret in your old age.

pbdr · 20/01/2022 10:46

We've been together since we were at school - 14 years so far and married for 5. We have a young baby together.
He's my best friend in the world and I am still totally in love with him, can't imagine going through life without him.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/01/2022 10:50

First long term partner yes (had teenage boyfriends before but nothing serious). We have been together 20 years this year and married for 17 years but I am his second partner. He has a long term (but not married) relationship before me and has two children with his ex.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/01/2022 10:52

Marriage is hard work and sometimes feels boring. I have had a couple of what it moments but then we do something together or something happens and I realise how much I love him and how much he makes me laugh etc.

WineThenMisletoe · 20/01/2022 10:52

Met at 17 he was 19 and that was over 40 years ago. Very happily married and there has never been anyone else for either of us. It's a complete lottery and we were both very lucky indeed.

ButtercupBlue · 20/01/2022 11:12

I know people who are but personally, no I'm not.

I was with my high school boyfriend until I was 19. Then in a long-term relationship for 15 years. Now married to someone else.

It took me a long time to realise that there's no shame in admitting that a relationship has run its course and that relationships don't have to be forever or a failure.

My children are from my previous relationship, not my marriage. Telling them we were separating was hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to do but we're all happier for it.

Sometimes,in long term relationships, it gets a bit 'grass is greener' and I think that's a normal feeling and not necessarily an indicator that it's over or not worth fighting for. But I think there's a difference between that and deep down knowing (but not necessarily wanting to admit) that you can't spend the rest of your life with a person without making yourself unhappy in the process.

1winterblues · 20/01/2022 12:37

Yes I am with my partner / husband since I was 19. We have been together 24 years.

I had a couple of boyfriends before him, but just teenage stuff. My husband is my first sexual partner.

It has not been a bed of roses and we have had many tough times and many good times. We both work really hard and have 3 children, and I think we generally want the same things in life and have grown up or matured together.

He drives me crazy with his habits and grumpiness but he absolutely the best and most caring man too. For the record I am grumpy too. I could not of asked for a better father for my children.