Is anyone still with their first ever partner?

[Kt6346]

I'm married to the only guy I've ever been with and I'm unhappy even though he is still in love with me. I'm not sure I have ever been as "in love" with him as he has been with me. I feel really jealous (and terrible) that I don't feel that way about him...

I am and am very much still in love. We've been together since we were teenagers and both went to separate unis and travelled etc, but just ended up staying together through it. It's not something that's common amongst friends my age though.

Yes, with my DH 23 years, married 16. We were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. Very happy marriage and more in love with him now than when we first got together.

Just remember that it is easy for someone new to seem exciting but after a few years could be the same or worse.

That's not to say that you should necessarily stay with him but it is definitely worth seeing if you can get the spark and love back.

Remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Start spending time doing fun stuff together. Look at taking up some hobbies to do together etc.

Yes I'm with my dp 31 years.
Since I was 18.
There's times I could happily strangle him but over all he's the best
Always has my back and would do anything for us.

If you really feel like you no longer love him,it's not fair on him.
You need to bite the bullet and separate.

Yes, nearly 34 years.

Yes. 12 years this year. Our firsts as teenagers, now married with baby on the way! Still feel the same.

@layladomino

A few of my close friends / family are still with their first gf/bf decades on, and thankfully I think they are all very happily married.

It seems some people are just very fortunate and meet someone they could spend their life with very early on. (This only works if you are both already pretty much who you're going to be, or you change and mature in the same way. There is a bigger risk of 'growing apart' when you get together very young).

The benefit of having several bf / gf before settling down is that you have something to compare with, rather than assuming that something is normal or to be expected just because your only bf does it.

The risk of being with your first partner forever is that you could be left with 'what if...?'

The (couple of) people I know who have regretted it, committed more than they should to their first bf because they felt pressure to settle down / get a ring / have a wedding. By the time they realised they'd made a mistake they were too far down the slope and then just continued being swept due to either a fear of changing things or (real or perceived) family expectations. It's sad as I think they may lay on the death bed and think 'what if?'. In one case, my friend's life would have been so different if she was single, or with someone more suited, and she is missing out on experiences for fear of rocking the boat.

It may be that your relationship has run its course. If it has there's no need to feel guilt. It just is what it is. But for both your sakes you need to get your head around ending things. Please don't look back with regret in your old age.

Thank you for your reply! I do think about the fact that I don't have anything to compare it to and I wonder if I've gotten used to things that I think/thought are normal. I know that's happened anyway. Sometimes it takes someone else or an outside perspective to make you see it.

I do worry about regretting anything but that goes both ways. I worry that if I decide to separate, I'll regret it. I worry that I'll always feel guilty for doing it to him and to our son, even though I know that it wouldn't be painful forever (at least I'd hope not!). It is a risk and tbh if we didn't have a child I think I'd have just taken that risk. I think a lot of what's holding me back comes from a place of fear. He's all I've ever known so it would be a huge change but I know I can't let fear hold me back. It's held me back a lot in my life.

@FawnFrenchieMum

Marriage is hard work and sometimes feels boring. I have had a couple of what it moments but then we do something together or something happens and I realise how much I love him and how much he makes me laugh etc.

Yeah we've definitely had our ups and downs and challenges and I've felt simile to this before but the feeling has always gone away or I've realised that we're good together etc. But this time it's different and has lasted a lot longer. In a lot of ways I feel like a different person to who I was a couple of years ago!

@ButtercupBlue

I know people who are but personally, no I'm not.

I was with my high school boyfriend until I was 19. Then in a long-term relationship for 15 years. Now married to someone else.

It took me a long time to realise that there's no shame in admitting that a relationship has run its course and that relationships don't have to be forever or a failure.

My children are from my previous relationship, not my marriage. Telling them we were separating was hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to do but we're all happier for it.

Sometimes,in long term relationships, it gets a bit 'grass is greener' and I think that's a normal feeling and not necessarily an indicator that it's over or not worth fighting for. But I think there's a difference between that and deep down knowing (but not necessarily wanting to admit) that you can't spend the rest of your life with a person without making yourself unhappy in the process.

How old were your children when you separated? I'm very aware that our son is at an age where although I know it wouldn't be easy, in some ways it would be easier than if he was older because he won't remember and I think kids are more adaptable the younger they are? I agree about a relationship not having to last forever (although I never used to think like that). My husband's initial reaction was that our whole relationship had been a lie and pointless (apart from our son obviously) whereas I don't see it like that. I don't look back and think that I wasted my life with him or anything! Were you and your husband on the same page regarding separating or was it your decision?

Sorry, I meant previous partner not husband (in my response above)

He his my only partner. Married for over 42 years.

It doesn’t matter whether or people are or not. The majority of people are not with their first partner for the reason that one or both grew in a different direction. You are not happy and it sounds to me like this situation will only get worse as you are constantly questioning yourself and you have also entered a situation that could have led to an affair. Not only that, you were having these thought a few years ago so it’s not a new thing.

Sometimes you have to be brave in life but as you have a child I would consider counselling first whether alone or together. If nothing else it may help you part more amicably.

@Momijin

Just remember that it is easy for someone new to seem exciting but after a few years could be the same or worse.

That's not to say that you should necessarily stay with him but it is definitely worth seeing if you can get the spark and love back.

Remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Start spending time doing fun stuff together. Look at taking up some hobbies to do together etc.

Yeah I agree that it's easy to see someone through rose tinted glasses. In the past I think that's happened but I've quite quickly realised they're not all that or that I'm happy as I am. It was different this time which completely threw me and tbh I don't think I knew how to handle it (and probably didn't handle it well). It made me see what it could be like being with someone with shared passions which is something that me and my husband have never really had. We did have things in common obviously but seems like that's become less over the years. What I've also been struggling with is I know I need to make an effort and try to reignite the love etc but at the same time I don't particularly want to spend too much time with him. And I don't want to force anything even though maybe that's what I need to do, even if just initially? I've always enjoyed having time to myself and now having a child I have so much less time like that, that sometimes I (wrongly) prioritise having my own time rather than doing something together 😕

Yes me. Met at 17, together 13 years but married for 1. We are happy so far but I'm not sure I'd stay if I wasnt. We always have just been right for one another and i feel lucky weve grown together as our lives have changed

@TinyW

It doesn’t matter whether or people are or not. The majority of people are not with their first partner for the reason that one or both grew in a different direction. You are not happy and it sounds to me like this situation will only get worse as you are constantly questioning yourself and you have also entered a situation that could have led to an affair. Not only that, you were having these thought a few years ago so it’s not a new thing.

Sometimes you have to be brave in life but as you have a child I would consider counselling first whether alone or together. If nothing else it may help you part more amicably.

Yeah I feel terrible about getting close to someone else as it's really not "me", and I couldn't live with myself if the reason we separated was because of that. So I have distanced myself and trying to focus on myself, and my son. And how I really feel about my marriage. My husband and I have had some really good talks the last few days, I think as difficult as he's finding it, he is starting to see things from my perspective. I would hate for it to end and us not be amicable. The idea that it could end messily makes me want to stay together even though that's not the right reason. I have been questioning things over and over for a year plus now and I've sort of told myself that I need to decide either way what to do very soon because it's starting to affect my health/work, etc as it's constantly on my mind

If I’d married my first serious boyfriend it would’ve been a fucking nightmare, since after we split he went on to become a drug addict!

I know several couples who met at 18 in the first year of uni and have been together ever since. We’re all mid forties now and some of them are starting to split up. One thing I noticed about them is that they all somehow seem stuck in their 18 year olds dynamic. They’re adults, but still argue and banter like teenagers. Lots of petty jealousy and fear of anything that might threaten the relationship. Very enmeshed with each other. It’s weird. Like they’ve never started a relationship as adults, so they don’t know how to be adults in a relationship.

Just my observation from my own friendship group.

Personally I had such brilliant time being single in my twenties I do feel a bit sorry for those who never had the opportunity. But I get that it’s different strokes for different folks.

Thank god I’m not with my first boyfriend!! Or the one after that! I think life is about exploring - I’m sure it works for some people but you either grow together or grow apart and I think this is what you are feeling. You change a lot in your 20s and 30s . The question is - are you staying for the right reasons?

My ex reacted the same way. As though if we weren't going to grow old together it had all been a disaster. I was sad he felt that way, because for me I felt that most of our 15 years had been very good, really right up until the final two when things weren't terrible or even particularly strained but that there was a definite drifting and a realisation (on my part) that we wouldn't be able to sustain it forever.

I realised I would either have to rock the boat or risk waking up an old woman bitter about all the things I didn't do / experience because I'd let someone else shape my life. And it definitely wasn't all about living a free & single life or shagging other blokes or anything because obviously I have two kids so was never going to be able to run off and go ~ wild ~ and the only person I've slept with since is the man I've ended up marrying!

Our kids had were 10 and 8 so it was very difficult and because I was the main instigator for the split as I was the one who wasn't happy, I did feel a huge guilt that I was the one "doing this." But since leaving, I've come to see from the outside that there were all kinds of things wrong with my relationship and ex's behaviour that I wasn't able to see at the time because I was still living inside it (if that makes any sense?)

@ButtercupBlue

My ex reacted the same way. As though if we weren't going to grow old together it had all been a disaster. I was sad he felt that way, because for me I felt that most of our 15 years had been very good, really right up until the final two when things weren't terrible or even particularly strained but that there was a definite drifting and a realisation (on my part) that we wouldn't be able to sustain it forever.

I realised I would either have to rock the boat or risk waking up an old woman bitter about all the things I didn't do / experience because I'd let someone else shape my life. And it definitely wasn't all about living a free & single life or shagging other blokes or anything because obviously I have two kids so was never going to be able to run off and go ~ wild ~ and the only person I've slept with since is the man I've ended up marrying!

Our kids had were 10 and 8 so it was very difficult and because I was the main instigator for the split as I was the one who wasn't happy, I did feel a huge guilt that I was the one "doing this." But since leaving, I've come to see from the outside that there were all kinds of things wrong with my relationship and ex's behaviour that I wasn't able to see at the time because I was still living inside it (if that makes any sense?)

Well done for doing what was right for you, it must have been really difficult at the time but sounds like you're much happier. How's your ex? Is he happier now too?

I feel the same, I wouldn't want to go wild or anything, I feel like I'd just want to experience life without a partner and find out who I am on my own, grow as a person etc. I used to feel scared at the idea of being on my own but I don't feel like that anymore. I of course wouldn't want to be alone forever but a new relationship isn't something I'd want to rush into.

I posted a reply but it doesn't seem to have appeared here so apologies if this is a repeat...

My ex reacted the same way as yours. As though if we weren't going to grow old together it had all been a disaster. I was sad he felt that way, because for me I felt that most of our 15 years had been very good, really right up until the final two when things weren't terrible or even particularly strained but that there was a definite drifting and a realisation (on my part) that we wouldn't be able to sustain it forever.

I realised I would either have to rock the boat quite awfully or risk waking up an old woman bitter about all the things I didn't do / experience because I'd let someone else shape my life. And it definitely wasn't all about living a free and single life or shagging other blokes or anything because obviously I have two kids so was never going to be able to go ~ wild ~ and the only person I've slept with since is the man I've since ended up marrying!

Our kids had were 10 and 8 so it was very difficult and because I was the main instigator for the split as I was the one who wasn't happy, I did feel a huge guilt that I was the one "doing this" but since leaving, I've come to see from the outside that there were all kinds of things wrong with my relationship and ex's behaviour that I wasn't able to see at the time because I was still living inside it (if that makes any sense?)

@ButtercupBlue

I posted a reply but it doesn't seem to have appeared here so apologies if this is a repeat...

My ex reacted the same way as yours. As though if we weren't going to grow old together it had all been a disaster. I was sad he felt that way, because for me I felt that most of our 15 years had been very good, really right up until the final two when things weren't terrible or even particularly strained but that there was a definite drifting and a realisation (on my part) that we wouldn't be able to sustain it forever.

I realised I would either have to rock the boat quite awfully or risk waking up an old woman bitter about all the things I didn't do / experience because I'd let someone else shape my life. And it definitely wasn't all about living a free and single life or shagging other blokes or anything because obviously I have two kids so was never going to be able to go ~ wild ~ and the only person I've slept with since is the man I've since ended up marrying!

Our kids had were 10 and 8 so it was very difficult and because I was the main instigator for the split as I was the one who wasn't happy, I did feel a huge guilt that I was the one "doing this" but since leaving, I've come to see from the outside that there were all kinds of things wrong with my relationship and ex's behaviour that I wasn't able to see at the time because I was still living inside it (if that makes any sense?)

I did see it and reply so posting my reply again in case you didn't see it

Well done for doing what was right for you, it must have been really difficult at the time but sounds like you're much happier. How's your ex? Is he happier now too?

I feel the same, I wouldn't want to go wild or anything, I feel like I'd just want to experience life without a partner and find out who I am on my own, grow as a person etc. I used to feel scared at the idea of being on my own but I don't feel like that anymore. I of course wouldn't want to be alone forever but a new relationship isn't something I'd want to rush into.

I was with the same partner from 18 to 45.
Whilst I had a couple of girlfriends beforehand I was her first. We didn't have the best of relationships but I think we did the best we could at the time. I was always conscious throughout our time together that perhaps she would be curious about other guys. Unfortunately that became a reality, we did try again but it was tainted and never the same again. Both of us made mistakes, with hindsight I know I was complacent. I think it's a wonderful thing if two people get lucky and can stay together for life.

I was engaged and lived with someone for 4 years, no children, but left him at 24 and married his friend a year later
He was devastated, I didn't leave him for anyone, I just didn't love him any more. He got married a few years later to his first girlfriend.
Been with DH for 27 years

Yes;I was 16,we've been together 21 years and married for 17 years:we have children together.

It's not been plain sailing;we've been through some extremely rough patches but we're still here and still in love.

Me. Been together 22 years now, ups and downs.