Please help me face this

[nuttybiscuit]

I'm in a really horrible situation and need some advice or encouragement.
Just been ejected - again - from long term (30 yr) relationship, not married, no children, both renting separately by choice. Didn't marry or fully commit to moving in together probably due to not having kids and having unconventional careers (arts).

But here i am in mid forties, realising that every 5 or so years he has bailed out on me after a conflict or traumatic event. If we'd been living together at the time (which was never for long) I had to move out and rebuild my life, which was so demoralising and exhausting, then we'd slip back together a year or two later.
It feels like no matter how he professes to love me, he is not able to commit to a shared lifestyle or deal with the bumps, even though he INSISTS he is. I feel disposable and stupid, although i know i am intelligent and strong. If i push the issue, he says i am criticising him and not satisfied. I have tried so hard and done all of the emotional labour shit and my head is bursting with weariness and pain.

Recently it all came to a head, he brought up supposed offences i had committed over 20 yrs ago out of the blue (a fling i had when i was single (he had one too), and various other complaints about my life and behaviour.
We have had a tough few years as he lives in a very bad area. I went to stay with him just prior to covid, intending to move soon after. This is because he has unpredictable work and is often dependent upon council tax reduction and some gov assistance. He has always lived like this and so i can never share a tenancy with him. The environment is so crap it has taken a toll on us both, but he wont budge for fear of losing his assistance. There is literally no apparent interest in ever joining with me properly until his pension. I am quite bit younger and have had enough.

So we have split, he doesnt look bothered, and i am degrading myself going further in trying to fix this. I am unhappy and need to get out of this awful place, it is making me ill.

What i need advice on is not whether to LTB, but how the hell do i do it? I am an introvert, i work from home and have lots of dreams and ambitions, but i am terrified of this first step.
I have been living with him since my dad died prior to pandemic, not legally, just no fixed abode, and this can't go on. He obviously wants out again, so I have to move. This is exactly what i must and need to do, however my income took a drop during the pandemic, but i have over 34k savings to help me move forward.

Currently i have no local friends, only two women who are now living further away and have their own issues (loss, illness, etc) so pretty much really alone and isolated. My sister is ok but we are at a distance too, and she is very tied up with work. So i would be leaping into the absolute unknown, and i am very very used to this guy, it is hard to conceive of life without him. This has likely been why i always take him back after he has left me.

How do i do it? What would i do if i had a problem or got ill? How do people truly restart their lives like this? Is it even possible? How the fuck do i meet new people? I wondered if getting into some local interests after i move might help?
Has this happened to anyone else after 30 years?
I need to go, so much, and am terrified i will give in and just slope back to him for fear of having to climb that mountain, and then resent myself later...

He clearly isnt going to change, and whilst neither of us wanted a prescription lifestyle, i need a fair bit more than this. Any advice or thoughts would be so much appreciated.

“How do i do it?”
First of all. Think “RIGHT, THAT’S IT. I’ve had enough of his pathetic, flakey, non-committal, judgemental, snippy ways. Bollocks to him if he thinks he can wheedle his way back into my life AGAIN with all his hollow promises and shallow words. I’m done”.

You have no children so the hardest part isn’t even something to consider.

£34k is a decent amount to do something with. In the short term, I’d rent – consider holiday lets as they can be cheaper than a landlord/tenant thing for very short term (ie. less than a month). This will give you time to think and plan / look for somewhere properly. Don’t tell him where you’ve moved to. At All.

Tell him this is the last time “this” happens then block him everywhere. Ignore him and all his future promises of things being different. His words quite clearly mean nothing and never have.

“What would i do if i had a problem or got ill?”
The same as any of us would do if we had a problem or got ill. A problem – post on Mumsnet . Ill – doctors or 999. Don’t overthink something that hasn’t happened.

“How do people truly restart their lives like this? Is it even possible?”
Yes, by changing their mindset from “woe is me, I feel sorry for myself” to “right, new start, fresh page, new me, my old life was lacking/shit anyway and I deserve better, shame he can’t provide that but, his loss”. Also, research “co-dependency”. Maybe get a bit of talk therapy to work through why you keep allowing him and his horrible, self-centered ways back into your life.

”How the fuck do i meet new people? I wondered if getting into some local interests after i move might help?”
Yes, it helps massively and is an excellent thing to do.

Best of luck and onwards and upwards [thumbs up to you and middle finger up to him].

‘Only’ 10 years here but a very similar situation. Wish I had some words of wisdom but I can offer solidarity.

I’ve started looking at new jobs rather than being stuck at home working for myself, have joined the gym, booked in for various events (just small things like a sculpture walk around the local park etc) to get me out and mixing with other people. It’s so hard when you’ve been so tied to someone else for such a long time.

Be gentle with yourself, put all the love you are used to giving to your ex into yourself as you deserve it more.

Change always feels scary but the thing most of us forget is that change is only a bad thing if what you already have is perfect. You know exactly what you're consigning yourself to if you 'slope back to him' again and it's anything but perfect. So you have nothing (worth having) to lose and everything to gain by drawing a line under this relationship and giving yourself the chance to be properly happy.

You have a decent chunk of money and the freedom to go more or less where you like from what you've said, that sounds really exciting to me! Maybe move somewhere near-ish your sister and then yes, throw yourself into community stuff, volunteering, anything to get you out there and meeting people. A new start opens up so many possibilities for you, surely that's better than going back to the same old cycle of vain hope, emotional exhaustion and inevitable disappointment? This could be amazing for you OP, please go for it

Do you have a job? If not, there is nothing tying you to where you are.
£34k is a decent amount to make a clean start.
Start realising some of those dreams.

Really, really appreciate these replies, such wonderful advice, it helps so much to hear. It's like i need it clarifying, even though i am already aware. I do fear my previous lack of resolve to keep away and need to change that belief/mindset.

We haven't had proper sex for years because he is still angry about someone i slept with 24 years ago when i was single . When asked why he holds on to this and why he just says 'anyone would react this way, it is the worst thing ive ever suffered'
wtf? it seems he is willfully holding on to it.

I wfh in a creative field, lower income since covid but am happy to try to work back up. Yes, i can live anywhere, but would rather choose somewhere i am somewhat familiar with whilst feeling vulnerable.

Definitely not this place.

We haven't had proper sex for years because he is still angry about someone i slept with 24 years ago when i was single...he just says "anyone would react this way, it is the worst thing I've ever suffered'

Jeez, seriously? Let me tell you a secret. He's a twat. I appreciate he's all you've known for 30 years but really He Is Not Normal.

In your 40s? You are about to hit your prime. Do everything @DatingDinosaur said and welcome to your Fabulous Second Half!

Time to start making some strides towards getting out of there then OP! I'm not trying to be flippant, I know it's huge but I hope you will take this as it's meant, to (kindly) give you a kick up the bum

i really really do need a kick, thank you!

i have never been able to work out why he holds that fling against me, it is like a poison in him, his eyes glaze over and narrow at me and he just says 'it destroyed me'. He says to this day it has ruined his ability to feel sexually confident. This is a man who had tons of sex prior to meeting me.
It's unfathomable.

I just want to add, when i had the 'fling' i was in early twenties and we had split up 6 months prior. He met someone too but didnt tell me. I made the error of telling him about mine, he says i rubbed his nose in it and bragged about it. I dont recall this so am helpless to defend myself, if i did that at the time i would have been drunk!

Why hold that against someone for 20odd years???

Because he is every kind of loser.

Don’t even try to understand his pathetic mindset. Just get out of there and enjoy the rest of your life. You will thrive! He ain’t going to, that’s for certain.

Why hold that against someone for 20odd years???

Because it was his stick to beat you with and the thing he (no doubt) used to deflect any criticism of him or his behaviour. It was most likely the only thing in all your time together he could find to DARVO you with and it speaks volumes that you hadn't even done anything 'wrong', given that you'd been split 6 months and he did the same thing!

When you're free and have started to heal you will see all this as clear as day, you just can't when you're in the fog a partner like this creates. Wherever you end up you will be better off than where you are, he is a total head-fuck.

He holds it against you to keep you in your place. He has got in your head. You haven’t mentioned your childhood, I’m assuming it was not a happy supportive one or something happened to you when young to crush your self esteem. Men like him are predators they test early on to see how much crap someone will take.

You would be best to move so he has no idea where you are and block all communications with him. I wouldn’t just block him I would change phone numbers and email addresses.

Continue WFH but look for a small job of just a few hours. I know a guy who is a huge introvert. He has just got a job cleaning offices early in the morning so hardly anyone is about, it’s a step in the right direction for him. I also knew a woman who was very shy she got a voluntary job sorting through clothes one morning a week in a charity shop so it was backroom with just two other volunteers.

You can start small, no one is expecting you to suddenly be the life and the soul of the party. Plus is there anything you like? There is a wildlife group I subscribe to, walks are starting in the summer looking at plants, some sort of gentle activity like that?

Oh OP , you know theres probably a really lovely person waiting for you somewhere who wants to give you everything and just have a normal relationship with.
It is hard to imagine now but one day you will wake up with what you have always wanted but you need to let him go first so theres room for your new life. Agree with PPs, block and delete him everywhere

God, he really does sound rubbish and like a knobend. You are worth so much more than this. You have the opportunity to do something amazing with your new life and it will be so much better.

30 years and you are mid forties? You have been with him since you were 15?

@AlwaysinaFlap

30 years and you are mid forties? You have been with him since you were 15?

Exactly what I was thinking. If he's a lot older than you then I have some thoughts about him. Not good ones.

(Quite aside from all the other stuff which hardly makes him sound like much of s catch either...)

You need to start by changing your mindset!

Don't think of this as the end of something, think of it as a new beginning.

From what you've written, you're better off getting out of this unhealthy, ill balanced relationship... You really are selling yourself short. Don't waste any more time on this guy.

You've got a decent amount financially to 'put down some roots' so focus on that first. Joining historical groups to find out about your new area is a great thing to do. You often get along much better meeting local people then. Some take place as walks or talks, and then probably visit a local venue or a pub afterwards.

Don't waste anymore years with this silly man. You get one life, get out there and live yours.

no sorry, i am nearly 48 we met when i was 19.

I think you have reached the end of the road. It’s not working, you don’t have sex because of he is still grumpy about youbshagging someone while single twenty four years ago, the area he lives in is not suited to you. ThTband you can sense he is going to call it off again. After years of on/off being forced to move out of your home and then drifting back in are you not tried? Don’t you wish you could use the the savings you have to create a home for yourself? LTB is used far too much on this site but honestly, would you not be happier without him, I bet your family and friends get so annoyed when you get back with him because it’s easier than being alone.

www.chumplady.com/

Look at this site

Leave and don’t look back

It’s not you, it’s him

You are in a great situation to move on - no children, marriage or financial ties.

You are the same age as me so I think you have tonnes of amazing life ahead of you.

I think if I were you I'd start with a new job, one where you will not be wfh. And I'd invest in some therapy.

Delete him off your phone, SM etc. Block him completely. He's absolutely no good for you.

Bit random but we’ve got a flat just come up in an arty area might suit you who knows pm ne if you’re interested

❤️

Thank you so much, your advice means a lot. It is good to be able to talk about it. There is a lot of love between us, but the issues are too looming and long standing to ignore. I think we can drag things on too long because of 'love' even when it isn't appropriate any more.

I will have to take on some extra work as my earnings have dipped quite a lot, but i do have the means to start, and see where it goes from there. I have to do this whether or not as i can't officially live with him anyway.

Btw i gave a rounded number for the years we have been together (on and off) for privacy reasons.