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Relationships

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Original poster

3rd date, still no kiss?!

76 replies

AbNormalPeeps · 19/01/2022 14:27

Went on a 3rd date with a really nice guy. The nicest (and hottest) I've met in ages. I was sure the first kiss would happen on date 3 especially as we'd been out for a few drinks so Dutch courage and all that.

He gave me a hug goodbye but that's it. We haven't held hands, he hasn't touched my arm/back/leg nothing. He text me when I got home to say he'd had fun and to let him know if I fancied a 4th date.

Now I know the usual mumsnet response is I could initiate things, but i really struggle with confidence in that sense (but not with initiating dates etc). I'm wondering if there's any point having a 4th to be honest and whether he's into me at all?! My friend said he may just not be sure if I like him but the fact I keep turning up on dates should be a clue?!

He's a nice guy so I don't want to be a dick about it but I don't feel any connection is building like it normally would when you've kissed. We're just 2 strangers hanging out still.

What would you do?!

OP posts:

AnotherSillawithanS · 19/01/2022 19:38

Maybe he doesn't like kissing?

CaramelMacchiatto · 19/01/2022 19:54

I wouldn't ask or initiate, just wait but subtlety let him know by touching etc that you fancy him. Most men are traditional and like to take the lead. I also think it's nice he's not jumping in too soon. Enjoy date 4 and let us know

Casper001 · 19/01/2022 19:56

Just message him something flirty suggesting it would be good to kiss / snog the next date.

Milomonster · 19/01/2022 19:56

I think the fact that he’s suggested date 4 is good! Maybe he felt unsure about whether it would be welcome. I agree with others - if no kiss in the 4th, then rethink. Do you feel there’s chemistry?

SmellyWellyWoo · 19/01/2022 20:53

I would find that a bit weird. I remember I once shared a bed with a guy after a few dates and just lay there still, absolutely no physical interaction. Really weird. We had kissed previous dates and it seemed fine.

He still wanted another date and claimed he was attracted to me but wouldn't divulge why he lay there like a block of stone. I binned him because it was all too weird.

Make a move and if he is still a block of stone, I'd move on.

tinseltits21 · 20/01/2022 02:06

I would give him another chance. I went on 4 dates with a guy and there was no kiss. On the 5th we kissed and had sex! Not saying you should do that btw but just to show it can take time. Also you say you turning up for dates should show him you're interested. Surely him initiating dates shows he's interested? I do feel a bit sorry for men having to be the ones to make the first moves all the time - it can't be easy. Maybe give him some encouraging vibes on the next date eg be more flirty?

Suzi888 · 20/01/2022 02:15

Maybe he’s too scared!

Allsorts1 · 20/01/2022 02:16

My fear would be that he has a very low libido or micro penis or some other sort of hidden issue with sex so he is weeding out the hot blooded females.

Me and my DP waited until third date to kiss and that felt like a very chaste and long amount of time to wait.

If he’s not trying to kiss you now, then you might be back on here in 2 years complaining that your now boyfriend doesn’t ever touch you.

blyn72 · 20/01/2022 04:05

@UsernameNotAvailableHmm

Maybe he has learned from previous dating experiences that it's better to wait, and it can be all the better for waiting. I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Go for that 4th date, and enjoy.

I agree with that, he will kiss you sooner or later if he really likes and fancies you. I presume you are quite keen on him.

It does seem old fashioned but in a way is rather nice.

Come back and tell us how the fourth date goes!

Pinkbonbon · 20/01/2022 04:39

I went on 3 really long dates with a lad early last year who I liked but wasn't sure if there was enough chemistry. And his failure to take initiative was such a turn off too. So when there was nothing by the end of date 3 i decided that was that. So now adays, they generally just get two dates.

I should say that I am absolutely the take the initiative sort. But you need to have verbal cues from the person first and I just couldn't read this guy. He had no flirt game whatsoever lol.

Bythecooker · 20/01/2022 06:25

I am seeing a lovely man. We kissed date 4. Not sure why, bit shy maybe. Plenty of lovely kissing now! If you like him go again.

Pky45 · 20/01/2022 07:14

Maybe he is just not feeling it with you, and he is going for date 4 to see to see if anything happens for him ?

Danceswithwhippets · 20/01/2022 07:44

@Shunter350

If he's anything like me he'll need to be nudged into a kiss. I was terrified of overstepping my "permission" when it came to the good night kiss! That was the third date. He's probably waiting on permission!?

Are you a man Shunter350? me too, and I agree. OP, you describe him as hot and nice -that makes him valuable property and worth persevering with. Some posters seem to be critical of what is gentlemanly behaviour! In my current relationship it was probably at least date 4 before we kissed partly because of circumstances, partly because of covid (and her cold!). Then later, some time after we began sleeping together, she told me she had been impressed that I hadn't regarded sex as my right and let her choose the occasion. I suggest you give him some clear signals, like putting your arm through his, holding his hand, snuggling, then move in for a big snog -you obviously like each other and I guarantee he won't reject you.

curmudgeonly007 · 20/01/2022 08:42

@CaramelMacchiatto

I would say this is not true, lots of men are not traditional and don’t want to to take the lead (or at least be seen to be talking the lead), these days, for fear over stepping the mark. You should ask or initiate, your response will be all you need to know, or maybe be the guy just doesn’t fancy the OP that much.

Original poster

AbNormalPeeps · 20/01/2022 11:36

Thanks all. I've agreed to a 4th date but a lot of your comments about maybe he's just not feeling it have struck a chord. I have a gut feeling that I won't actually hear from him again in terms of setting a date/time
I'm not going to be proactive in following it up because the whole thing has left me feeling quite unattractive and like I'm probably wasting my time.

It's possible I'm just out of practice with flirty behaviour but he's so hard to read! When we were walking, he had his hands in his pockets and quite far away for example. A little thing but makes me think he just doesn't fancy me and maybe just enjoys my company.

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 20/01/2022 12:14

the whole thing has left me feeling quite unattractive

Definitely leave him behind.

If you're out of practice, you need to be with someone who knows how to make an out-of-practice person feel good.

Also, being out of practice isn't really a thing; each new person is someone you have no practice with. Even if you dated 50 people like this, you are still a novice with each new person you meet, and they are with you. The right person will make everything you do feel like the right thing, and everything you do feel attractive. Not long term (obviously couple is 100% compatible) but certainly for most of the time, and definitely at the start.

layladomino · 20/01/2022 12:25

Before you make any decisions, it could be useful to think about your own behaviour. The things you've said about him (you aren't sure if he fancies you/ he hasn't tried to kiss you / he walked with his hands in his pockets) - could he say the same about you?

You say you're too shy to initiate these things, but he might be too. Men can be shy just as women can be. You might throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are both shy.

If you really like him, why not brace yourself and go in for a kiss? Or at least make it very obvious that's what you're thinking about. He might respond positively. If he doesn't at least you know where you stand. You've nothing to lose from trying!

(I'd rather date someone who is slow to kiss than someone who automatically kisses everyone they date, indiscriminately).

hivemindneeded · 20/01/2022 14:59

@AbNormalPeeps

Thanks all. I've agreed to a 4th date but a lot of your comments about maybe he's just not feeling it have struck a chord. I have a gut feeling that I won't actually hear from him again in terms of setting a date/time I'm not going to be proactive in following it up because the whole thing has left me feeling quite unattractive and like I'm probably wasting my time.

FWIW, DH's body language signals were very misleading when we first dates. He leaned back in his chair instead of leaning in across the table towards me. He didn't make eye contact much. But 28 years later we are still very happy and he is exceedingly romantic, just not a textbook man when it comes to flirty signals.

hivemindneeded · 20/01/2022 15:01

OP, if the 4th date happens, could you ask 'Why did you ask me for another date?' and see if you can steer the conversation towards letting him know that you can't tell if his interest is romantic or not.

confuseddotcom1234 · 20/01/2022 15:02

My now husband we didn't kiss till our 4 th date I think sometimes I think having time to get to know each other and worrying about the kissing/ physical side can build a stronger relationship.

blitzen · 20/01/2022 15:05

OP. This happened to me when I was dating DH. I've never asked him about it but I think he was just shy and also ultra respectful. At one point I thought he must be gay, but after much Dutch courage and in a dark pub we both went for it. Sorry to say I think it was on date 7!! If you like him, definitely go for date 4!

blitzen · 20/01/2022 15:06

Oh but I think we were holding hands by date 4.

DinaDirvla · 20/01/2022 15:07

I had a massive crush on a guy at work. We discreetly ogled one another from afar initially, flirted outrageously when we got the chance, and finally went on a date after about 2 months.

I fancied him terribly and was quite weak-kneed about the whole thing - but over 3 dates he still hadn't properly kissed me. I was mystified and tried all my best moves, but he just wasn't into...well, traditional face-sucking I suppose.

But he turned out to be marvellous in other departments and we've been married for 24 years.

Still doesn't do kissing. I miss it sometimes.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/01/2022 15:37

'discreetly ogled'

Mermaidwaves · 20/01/2022 16:31

I had a guy like this, he was lovely, and we seemed to get on well, a few nice dates and he was a gentleman. We had about 6 dates but he wouldn't kiss me, I tried to initiate but he would hold back.

He finished things with me, I dont think he felt the chemistry as he was always holding back. I think in most cases if a man fancies you he will want to kiss you.

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