DP driving me made with personal hygiene

[RachD90]

Feeling rather helpless hence why I've found myself here for advice.

Both myself and DP have been working from home since start of the pandemic and his personal hygiene standards have fallen off of a cliff. Always used to take care of himself, showered daily and now he showers about once a week. He rarely goes out, never goes to the gym anymore and spends a lot of time gaming. To me there is just a basic need to shower at least every other day. I've tried to raise the issue several times - tried to be nice about it, make a joke of it and then finally just directly said take a bl**dy shower. The last time I brought it up his repsonse was that it had only been 1 day he skipped a shower (lies), stop monitoring when i am showering, I'm an adult and you're not my mother etc etc. So it's created an atmosphere where I now can't raise how I feel.

May seem a bit of a trivial matter but it's got to the point I feel like I can't raise the issue and I'm spending nights upset whenever it gets to the point he hasn't showered for 3 days. Then he will go for a shower, everything's fine and the cycle repeats each week. Obviously it's ruining any intimacy in the relationship and even sharing a bed is difficult to the point that I'm now obsessively cleaning the house & changing the sheets. The fact is that anytime he goes to see friends or family, he will always take a shower but he doesn't seem to give a cr*p about making a basic effort for me.

This isn't something I want to leave DP over as otherwise I'm genuinely happy but just feeling at my wits end and can feel that I'm starting to be quite abrupt to him as I'm just lost for any other way to deal with it.

How can I bring it up again and create some positive change rather than just another argument? :(

I understand that you don't want to leave him over this. But he's basically telling you that he doesn't care about or respect you. When I read these sorts of threads, I always suspect that there's more. HIs personal hygiene is bad - what about the house? do you do all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/tidying? I bet you do.

Does he smell? I assume he does. So for it would be as simple as - you smell so if you aren't willing to shower at least every second day, I don't want you around me, or sharing my bed. He can see it as controlling if he wants to, but I'd call it in a line in the sand. If he thinks its controlling, then he can choose to leave you but you don't have to put up with it.

I appreciate it might not be as easy as that.

If he can’t keep a very basic level of clean then he needs to find somewhere else to sleep, doesn’t he?

Abrupt is right in these circumstances. Tell him he smells bad, though ha disgusting, and he showers at least every other day or sleeps on his own on the living room floor. Creating “positive change” works for training small children and animals who don’t know any better and need boundaries and reinforcement. If you have to resort to those sorts of techniques with a grown man who’s too lazy to wash himself, your relationship is dead.

This is likely to be the tip of a large iceberg; there is often indeed a lot more to such threads.

You will not be able to create a positive change on your own; he has to want to address this as well and simply put he does not. He does not care enough and you won't be able to change his mind.

I would not waste any more time and effort here. The only person you can help here is you.

And how many hours of the day is he spending gaming?. My guess too is that he puts far more effort into that than any aspect of a relationship with you.

Leave now while you are not tied to him by marriage or children. The crux of the issue is NOT the lack of showering, it is the lack of respect for you. I can't believe he has the audacity to push back when you complain yet showers for other people!!! (And that demonstrates that it's obviously not that he's depressed or anything.)

It is already affecting your mental health. Leave now.

I don’t really understand the whole bin him as he doesn’t wash.

I’d be trying to understand how the pandemic has impacted him, as this is not his normal behaviour, and he’s spending time gaming and uninvolved in life. Could he be depressed? The pandemic has impacted people differently, many have coped but some haven’t. He may well be in the latter category.

How can you be genuinely happy if you are not happy and want to change him?

As a couple you should be able to discuss things that bother you and come to a decision. With my ex it didn't matter how many times we discussed stuff, he would say the right things then carry on and the only compromise was my end.

I would no longer accept this in any relationship. With my boyfriend for example, we discussed him pulling his weight more when we were together and me being on my phone too much (amongst other things). We both acknowledged the other person was right, felt heard etc and made the changes necessary.

Many of us let things slide when not having to go out or go to work, including putting on weight, only wearing comfortable clothes and not making much effort with personal care.

He has to get back into the habit of washing so maybe instead of having a shower every day, do a sink wash with a wet towel. That is easy and quick and as long as his bits and pits are washed that should be enough. Does he like baths? Maybe a nice bath with bubbles watching a film or listening to music or with a beer may interest him?

He doesn't want to change
What alternative do you have to leaving him??

He sounds depressed. I got a bit like this over lockdown and furlough, showers dropped to once or twice a week and I rarely if ever got dressed. I was on the verge of being very ill (I have bipolar) but pulled myself back.

Talk to him without judgement, don’t make it about the showering, ask him what’s going on in his head.

Stop having sex with him, he'll change fast enough

'Shower every night or sleep on the couch'.

@GaiusHelenMohiam

He sounds depressed. I got a bit like this over lockdown and furlough, showers dropped to once or twice a week and I rarely if ever got dressed. I was on the verge of being very ill (I have bipolar) but pulled myself back.

Talk to him without judgement, don’t make it about the showering, ask him what’s going on in his head.

Totally agree here. He sounds like he might be depressed. Just because he can make an effort when you see other people doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not depressed - it might just mean that he has enough energy to get himself together on the rare occasion.

You can always give him an ultimatum - but it might be harder to take a softer approach like this one, and check where his head’s at, after you’ve drawn a firm line in the sand and told him to shower or face sleeping alone.

Maybe you’ve already tried that though?

Agree that this sounds like depression - so with help he could hopefully transform back to how he was before.

Men typically don't talk about it though so you're going to have 'take the reigns' a bit I think.

@AubadeIsIt

Stop having sex with him, he'll change fast enough

Yeah, that doesn't work. We've not had sex for 3 years I think. Can't remember.

OP my DH is the same, knows when he should shower, for important meetings, nights out (with other ppl). Otherwise it runs from several days/week/ to several weeks. It's utterly repugnant. Luckily he doesn't seem to suffer from obvious armpit BO, but he does smell, especially in his nether regions. Hence the no sex situation. Every morning he will shave, spray on the Lynx & brush his teeth. That's it.
And when I used to tackle him on it I'd get the same responses "oh are we counting (the days)? " , "it's only been x days", "stop nagging ". His dad has mental health issues & doesn't wash at all. I've even pulled that one out "you're getting like your dad". That didn't go down well, but did he change? No.
I shower daily btw, and come from a family of daily showerers, if that makes any difference. It's so much easier than the daily sink washes of the 80's

My first thought was depression, or something else? It's not about you OP (and I mean that nicely) there is a root cause here for the sudden change in hygiene and I'm going to bet it isn't a reflection of his feelings towards you.

Good God! I have a shower twice a day and if I only have one I feel like a skank.

He may well have mental health issues but equally he's not being fair to you either.

Thanks all for the helpful responses.

I did wonder if he is depressed and have tried to bring it up before in relation to personal hygiene to see if there was something deeper going on but was told he's fine and it's just "whats the point if I'm not going anywhere" attitude.

@Momijin I would agree that I have let things slide too in terms of wearing comfier clothes etc so I totally understand how it started - my problem is that it's likely he will be working from home for the foreseeable future and I can't put up with that for the rest of my life. Thanks for the good advice :)

I haven't mentioned it for a month or so now and it's as if he's just pretending it's not an issue now so I really need to be firmer. So I guess I could agree there's some deeper issues with respect and equality in the relationship.

I think I need to work up the courage for a bigger relationship chat on this one :(

I'm going through this atm, I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and can't bring myself to take care of my personal hygiene. I spend a lot more time on my phone than I should. I know I need to do something about it but don't know where to start. My DH hasn't said anything but I've talked to him about how I'm feeling so he understands that there is a reason behind it.

I'm not sure what to advise you apart from saying that there may be other reasons for not showering daily. But if he refuses to acknowledge it then what can you realistically do. Not sure.

@WipeYourFeet sorry to hear you are in the same boat - sounds like the exact same situation and response each time. Hope you find a way to make some progress with it.

Don't know about you but I feel like it's quite isolating as too embarrassed to discuss it with friends/family either!

Even if not bothering to wash is a symptom of depression, it isn’t something you have to put up with “because it’s an illness.” If it was a physical health problem which a partner was refusing to see a doctor about, the advice wouldn’t be that you should put up with being miserable because the ill person has a right to do as they please and must be tiptoed around.

But I think far too many women are too keen to excuse a lazy man’s behaviour. Depressed people aren’t dicks. Most people with depression, if their partner tells them that an aspect of their behaviour incredibly simple to change is upsetting them, will try their hardest to do something about it. They don’t argue about why they’re entitled to keep upsetting those around them, unless they are dicks. This just sounds like a lazy, disrespectful man more interested in playing his computer games than anything else.

It does sound like depression - and the personal hygiene aside, not going out, exercising etc is not great for his mental health either.

Rather than focus on the hygiene, how about you get him to do more exercise, and you can join him so make it a couple activity? A walk everyday, home workouts, maybe getting him a bike, park run. And you should try and join him with it too, where possible - healthy habits form a healthy mind after all. Is there DIY or gardening he can do? Something active that isn't mind numbing distraction like gaming. The renewed activity will get him to focus on personal hygiene again automatically.

If that doesn't work, he should talk to a GP. Difficult if he won't accept there's a problem though. Could you have a honest chat with him that you're worried about how you are both affected by the pandemic and so should try to get out of your hole together? Don't accuse him or get mad at him, as he goes on the defensive. Make it a team activity, with you being on his team.

Depressed people aren’t dicks. Most people with depression, if their partner tells them that an aspect of their behaviour incredibly simple to change is upsetting them, will try their hardest to do something about it.

That's not really how depression works. You don't just 'try' your way out of it for someone else.

@todaysdilemma yeah I agree. I did manage to get him to come to the gym a few times, sold to him by going for a sauna afterwards which naturally meant he showered.. but it's been two weeks since that happened even when I nudge him each time I go for a workout to see if he fancies joining (...5 times a week). Just seems to be difficult to get him to form any kind of routine over and above the logging on to work, logging off and playing video games for hours

He sounds like a smelly loser tbh

Why waste your time with him?