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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP driving me made with personal hygiene

86 replies

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 10:19

Feeling rather helpless hence why I've found myself here for advice.

Both myself and DP have been working from home since start of the pandemic and his personal hygiene standards have fallen off of a cliff. Always used to take care of himself, showered daily and now he showers about once a week. He rarely goes out, never goes to the gym anymore and spends a lot of time gaming. To me there is just a basic need to shower at least every other day. I've tried to raise the issue several times - tried to be nice about it, make a joke of it and then finally just directly said take a bl**dy shower. The last time I brought it up his repsonse was that it had only been 1 day he skipped a shower (lies), stop monitoring when i am showering, I'm an adult and you're not my mother etc etc. So it's created an atmosphere where I now can't raise how I feel.

May seem a bit of a trivial matter but it's got to the point I feel like I can't raise the issue and I'm spending nights upset whenever it gets to the point he hasn't showered for 3 days. Then he will go for a shower, everything's fine and the cycle repeats each week. Obviously it's ruining any intimacy in the relationship and even sharing a bed is difficult to the point that I'm now obsessively cleaning the house & changing the sheets. The fact is that anytime he goes to see friends or family, he will always take a shower but he doesn't seem to give a cr*p about making a basic effort for me.

This isn't something I want to leave DP over as otherwise I'm genuinely happy but just feeling at my wits end and can feel that I'm starting to be quite abrupt to him as I'm just lost for any other way to deal with it.

How can I bring it up again and create some positive change rather than just another argument? :(

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2022 15:49

OP has never nagged him nor has he received a formal depression diagnosis.

OP is now an option here rather than a priority and he has basically opted out of their relationship. To me he does not care enough about the relationship with the OP; his priorities are now work and gaming. She needs a partner; not a project.

CombatBarbie · 19/01/2022 15:50

Hmmm I am on the fence with this one as I am your DP. I'll also caveat before I say any more that I have PTSD and GAD.

It sounds like he's stuck in a rut though if the gaming is new because of COVID and WFH. I have never been a shower every day person, it's not how I was brought up. But on my good days, inevitably involves going out with my friend, I'll shower, make up etc. If I'm just bumming around the house or having a low mood I just can't bring myself to shower every day. I know I'll feel better if I do, but something inside me just thinks it's too much hassle. I can't really explain it.

My DH made remarks on not showering every day..... But if he doesn't see it happen, it hasn't happened.... Doesn't matter he'd been out the house 7-7. If I didn't shower at same time as him in evening then I hadn't showered that day apparently. I made him come to the docs with me, who soon put him straight, encourage it but never scorn that person unless you have magically managed to feel everything they feel. He soon stopped.

Can you say with certainty he's not at least washing? Does he smell..... I am very aware if I smell, especially if I've had a night with bad night sweats, in which case I do it as soon as I'm up. I may not want too, but for me that's when the personal pride sets in.

Or he could just be a lazy sod who doesn't respect you....

Seeleyboo · 19/01/2022 15:55

Sounds like my exDH. Note the word Ex.......i couldn't cope with his slovenly behaviour and it got worse. We no longer shared a sofa as he stank then no longer ate together or shared a bed. It got to the point where i wouldn't share a lounge with him and put a lock on the bedroom door just so he never came in as he smelt so bad. OP either leave or accept he has turned into a Viking.

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 16:03

@CombatBarbie Sorry to hear that. I can completely understand if theres mental health issues or a genuine reason for not wanting to shower but I guess my problem is that I just don't think thats why he is doing it. I think it's laziness and prioritising gaming or work over general day to day tasks and well, me.

He has always been a bit of a gamer but has gotten much worse in the past year or so. Don't get me wrong we do still spend time together and always have dinner at the table. Frankly, I'm not complaining about him sitting gaming all night at the moment as I don't exactly want to curl up on the sofa with him when he hasn't washed!

The reason I think he's just being a lazy git is for example, last night he said he'd shower then go to the shops (I wasn't well so his turn for a change).. spent 2 hours gaming and then quickly got himself changed and off to the shops with no shower. So he obviously isn't prioritising it when he knows he should have showered.

Unfortunately I think we will be in for an argument about it this evening as we are now on day 6 and quite frankly he's not getting into my clean bed until he washes!

OP posts:

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 16:05

@seeleyboo oddly he doesn't usually smell too bad as he is quite religious with deodorant etc but it's the thought of it that's driving me nuts. Either that or I'm now immune to the smell after almost 2 years of putting up with it..

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 16:10

There doesn't have to be an argument. Tell him how you feel, rather than telling him what he should do. He can't argue with how you feel.

Tell him what you will do, rather than what he should do. If you tell him you'll be sleeping in the other room if he's not had a shower, and he chooses not to shower, then he's making a choice, and it's to avoid a 5 minute task rather than have a night in bed with you. If that's his choice, then it's clear where his priorities are.

Don't make 'your clean bed' a point of ego; a thing that you are allowed, and he's not allowed if he doesn't behave himself. Let him have the bed, if he wants to be in it, unshowered, without you. But make sure you know that's not going to be an ongoing thing. If that's the choice he makes, you need to make different choices yourself, going forward.

Mollysocks · 19/01/2022 16:19

Is he slightly depressed OP? Not showering or taking care of yourself is often a sign and you said he also no longer goes to the gym, or goes out. Not trying to be a dick here, I mean this genuinely

freeatlast2021 · 19/01/2022 17:31

I am sorry, but are we ever going to evolve from the concept of women sucking it up and taking what ever shit life throws at us for the sake of preserving the marriage. How come "for better or for worse" BS only applies to women. While men do whatever they want it is women who should persevere, endure, sacrifice. Now that we finally allowed ourselves to complain, which for centuries we were not, we are coming up with new excuses as to why they are being asholes, depressing, really?! It is actually very inappropriate to use depression to justify laziness.

OP whether your husband is depressed or lazy, one thing is for sure, you do not have to take this as an adult. He has to take responsibility and deal with this. You need to sit him down and tell him whats up and no, you do not have to be gentle with this. You have to assert your boundaries. Tell him what is bothering you, tell him you will not sleep in the same bed with him and especially have sex with him, unless he washes up, and I do not mean in the sink, I mean take a bath or a shower. Ask him if he would not mind visiting his doctor to talk about this as there is a possibility that he may be experiencing mental health crises.

If he does not want to do anything then you have to start thinking of your options.

Cas112 · 19/01/2022 17:50

Are you sure he's not suffering with depression since working from home? Not taking care of yourself and being less active and not leaving the house is a big tell tale sign.

Dweetfidilove · 19/01/2022 18:05

Good grief.
I had to stand outside when my unwashed, teeth unbrushed plumber was here recently, so I just couldn't live with this.
In my extended family everyone habitually showers twice per day, so I can't even imagine this.

BTW, I'm always when I read the threads about only needing to shower once/twice per week.

MondayYogurt · 19/01/2022 18:24

When he's gaming for hours who is prepping the meals and stacking the dishwasher and buying the groceries? Who cleans the toilet and the kitchen floor? Who vacuums and pays the bills and waters the plants?

CombatBarbie · 19/01/2022 18:49

@OP you know him better than us. I was just giving the viewpoint from the MH perspective on the off chance he may be suffering but doesn't yet realise it as he is displaying very classic symptoms with reluctance to leave house, hygiene, more time gaming etc..... And I am always the first one to scream "don't use MH as an excuse for behaviour".

That said, it's alot easier to notice when you live with someone. How long have you lived together? Presumably he's still brushing teeth etc?

It doesn't need to be an argument, just state very clearly that 6 days is grim (and it is, even in my world) so he shouldn't expect to share a bed with you until it improves. I am hoping he's just in that WFH/COVID rut, it's very common just now.

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 19:20

@combatbarbie of course I totally respect that! Apologies if I went on a bit of a rant in reply to your comment! We have lived together for over 3 years and yes still brushes his teeth etc. Even fixes his hair every morning, just seems to be the showering he can't get into the habit of. Yes I think I need to make it clear how it makes me feel and hopefully he might understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 19:22

@MondayYogurt that would be me of course :)

OP posts:

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 19:24

@Dweetfidilove I know - it's hard to bear. Funny thing is his mother and rest of his family would be absolutely horrified if they ever knew.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/01/2022 19:27

So you are running around like a 50s housewife while he sits on his arse gaming? Do you have any spine left at all?

ChargingBuck · 19/01/2022 19:30

When I do bring it up it sometimes has the opposite effect of him going even longer just to spite me for "nagging" so can't win either way.

That doesn't sound like depression. He is prepared to use his Not Showering routine as a stick to beat you with.

He can shower for visits to friends, but you are not worth the same effort/respect to him.

When you ask him to shower, he responds like a disgruntled teenager.

He works, then spends the rest of his evening gaming, & no attention to you.

You do almost 100% of the domestic drudge - right?

It seems to all come down to a basic lack of respect for you OP.
What is your living situation? Do you each contribute 50% financially? Can you afford to live alone?

Because there is no form of magic words you can deploy to make a man take care of basic hygiene, not play Not Showering games to taunt you, prefer your company to his Playstation, or step up on the domestic front.
This is going to eat away at you until he either starts treating you right off his own bat (unlikely - he enjoys living like this & taking you for granted) - or you lose your rag & finish with him.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this

ChargingBuck · 19/01/2022 19:30

[quote RachD90]@Dweetfidilove I know - it's hard to bear. Funny thing is his mother and rest of his family would be absolutely horrified if they ever knew.[/quote]
So tell them.

Gotta be worth a shot.

ElectraBlue · 19/01/2022 19:32

Lack of interest in keeping clean and going out and enjoying usual activities (going to the gym, socialising and so on) can be signs of depression too.

So it could be that your husband is lazy and does not respect you but it could also be that his mental has been affected by lockdowns and general isolation more than you realise and more than he is willing to admit.

For some people they lose the energy to do anything and even putting on clothes and taking a shower can seem like an impossible task.

Still, you need to make it clear you won't tolerate the current situation and encourage him to see his GP and seek support if he is feeling low and overwhelmed but tell him things have to change or you will reconsider the relationship. Personally I could not live with a slob...

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 19:38

Yes I think I need to make it clear how it makes me feel and hopefully he might understand

You're not trying to explain something complicated to him. It's a sentence. What would happen if you said to him 'I can't have a relationship with someone who only showers as often as you do'? Would he say 'I'm sorry, I don't understand'?

Dweetfidilove · 19/01/2022 20:16

*19:24RachD90

@Dweetfidilove I know - it's hard to bear. Funny thing is his mother and rest of his family would be absolutely horrified if they ever knew.*

Do tell them. They may help persuade him to get back on track.

GizmosEveningBath · 19/01/2022 20:17

Does he shower before seeing his Mum/family then OP? If he does that is very telling of his attitude towards you and your relationship.

smellooo · 19/01/2022 21:17

My DP showers once a week and doesn't clean his teeth.
He is a good partner in most ways. He has always been like this though, his mum is the same.

Original poster

RachD90 · 19/01/2022 21:18

@GizmosEveningBath he does. Yes I think it is a big part of the problem that I feel he doesn't care about or respect my feelings.

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 19/01/2022 21:26

Is that reflected in other aspects of your relationship, OP?

Sounds like we might be getting to the crux of the issue, here...

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