Do you have the same dinner and bedtime as your other half?

[lana29]

Sounds a very odd question, I’m Autistic and still use to relationships and what’s normal and may be considered odd. The reason I ask if everyone else goes to bed at same time and also have same meal at dinner/tea is because yesterday my boyfriend said when he comes in from work he’s not really hungry and he’d prefer just to do his own thing, I thought but we’re not in a hotel. But maybe it’s more common? Then at bed time he was saying we don’t need to sleep at the same time. I like cuddling up because the day is hectic so yeah should I be offended or see it as good?

I’m in my 20s he’s late 30s this is both first proper relationship (2 years in)

@lana29

These are all very helpful and sorry for such silly question - my Autistic black and white no longer thinks it’s a bad thing :)

I appreciate you have autism & we're just asking 'what's normal behaviour' but all that really matters is how YOU feel about it. You like to cuddle & want to go to bed at the same time (at least most of the time) & that's what you need to say to him. It's not about 'being joined at the hip' it's about what makes you happy.

I see going at the same time as 'normal' because that's what my parents (&other family/family friends) did. I've almost always done that because it's how we've preferred it.

Talk to him.

Dinner eating together is much more common than not, unless there's a particular reason not to.

DH and I are both autistic too OP. We have the same meals and at same time. Bedtimes are different. We go to bed when we feel tired, which is different for both of us. I think it’s weird to eat separately unless one of you is craving something different occasionally

We always eat dinner together unless one of us will be out of the house for the normal range of dinner time (and therefore probably eating somewhere else). We almost always go to bed within about 15 minutes of each other, again unless one of us is out unusually late. We stop reading and turn off the light at the same time. I think this is less common though - I do know couples who regularly go to bed an hour or more apart.

One of the benefits of not living with my partner is that we can do our own thing! I like to eat earlier in the evening (as do my dc) so will eat around 5.30/6pm most evenings but he doesn't usually eat until 8-9pm, sometimes even later. When we spend time together we do eat together but it would be weird if we only saw each other 3 times a week but ate separately. We also go to bed at the same time together but again, we make the most of being together. If we lived together it might be different.

We always eat together - unless one of us is sick or out. We usually go to bed around the same time - I occasionally go earlier

We always eat together even if I am working late but he’s a night owl and I’m not so our bed times differ.

With XH we ate as a family but he and I got into the habit of going to bed at different times, which I regret. With DP, after three years we do both together, without fail. I bloody love it!

I don't think it matters what other people do, you have to find a balance of what works for you, what you are happy with within a relationship. Could you eat a later tea, so you are eating with him?

Our eating and sleeping depends on my partners work, when he is nights we eat seperate as he will have dinner around 4pm which is too early for me, if he is working days starting at 6am he goes to bed early the night before (I stay up till baby goes to bed)

the rest of the time when he isnt working we do eat and sleep at the same time

@JustWonderingIfYou

Always eat together and 6 out of 7 nights we go to bed at the same time.

I'd think it odd if these were the opposite. What's the point in a relationship if you don't enjoy spending time with each other. It would feel like a house share.

I have to agree with you. The OP does not have children and all the other stuff of a more developed family going on which impinges on these things . In a relationship you learn to compromise with each other and live together. @lana29 your BF doesn't seem willing to do this. If he is not fulfilling your needs I would consider leaving him. It's not going to get better only worse.

We eat together because we have kids and personally value "family meal time" quite highly. We don't usually go to sleep at the same time because I'm often tired much earlier than he is so we usually hang out for a bit then I'll go to bed and he'll stay up a bit longer to read.

Like others have said though I wouldn't dwell on what others consider "normal", just focus on your own feelings and whether the situation is making you happy. Even if everyone else in the world is doing one thing, if that doesn't work for you then that's OK and you are allowed to ask for things to change or choose to leave and find someone who fits you better.

The housemate comment is just fucking odd.

Have you never heard of shift workers?

I eat dinner at home twice a week. And usually get in around midnight, by which time DH has been asleep for two hours.

We manage to spend loads of time together despite this.

Not always.

We've been together 20 years and through that time worked different shift patterns etc. We're used to eating separately, going to bed at different times etc. We have DC now so meal times are a bit more structured. But even still, if one of us isn't hungry we will make ourselves something else later.

As for bed, we have different days off now so we generally sit up later on our days off. So it's only a couple of days a week we go to bed at the same time.

We eat together and also go to bed at the same time usually. Unless he’s working a late night, of course, which does happen occasionally.

With exh he often went to bed later because he was a night owl and I'm not, however we always ate together (unless at an activity) kids always ate with us from 6 months too, I'm pretty insistent on meal times.

With dp we eat together and go to bed together usually, occasionally I go off to bed if he's watch an old war film though

We usually eat dinner together (but that's because he cooks!). Occasionally one of isn't hungry or wants something else.

We both work from home and maybe eat lunch together once a week if one of us is making something the other fancies.

We almost never go to bed at the same time as despite getting up around the same time, I need much more sleep. I think it would be really unfair of me to make him go to bed 2 hours before he's tired and yes, I do think it would make him feel very claustrophobic as it would me in reverse.

Try a new routine, chances are you will get used to it and it will feel fine.

@Badbaddog

Snap ... Life is good

We usually eat dinner together but we NEVER go to bed together, in fact I’m not sure we ever have since the day we got together - I can never stay awake past 10 and he’s always up gaming until 1 or 2 🤷‍♀️ whatever floats his boat, long as he gets up in the morning I don’t care 😂😂

We don't live together so when we're together we eat together and go to bed at the same time. Sometimes I will go on my phone as I'm a bit of a night owl.

If we did live together I would imagine I would want some time to myself so maybe not go to sleep always at the same time. We would still eat at the same time as either he cooks or I cook.

We almost always eat dinner together, and most of the time go to bed.

I'd hate to just randomly eat dinner separately. If one is back late or going out then yes we would eat sepetately, but for me dinner is a social meal and focus of the day.

Bedtime not so fussed but I prefer to go to bed at the same time because otherwise he would wake me up coming to bed.

We don't always eat together, sometimes we do but we eat different meals. We also sometimes go to bed at different times. I'd hate it if we had to do everything at the same time and together.

If we're away on holiday etc. then we will always eat together but tend to not go to bed at the same time as she likes her sleep. She'll go to bed and I generally sit to on the balcony, etc.

At home we tend to eat at different times as she'll eat at a time when I'm just finishing work (even working from home) as it suits her for her medication (she'll adjust on holiday) and I need to walk the dog and just get work out of my mind.

Again I'll usually go to bed later. I wouldn't be able to sleep at the time she goes

@GaiusHelenMohiam

The housemate comment is just fucking odd.

Have you never heard of shift workers?

I eat dinner at home twice a week. And usually get in around midnight, by which time DH has been asleep for two hours.

We manage to spend loads of time together despite this.

Did she say there were shift workers?

Most of the time, unless DH is late home and I'm too hungry to wait. And 99% of the time we go to bed at the same time.