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Original poster

Too sad to have the kids alone

74 replies

Coldheart3 · 19/01/2022 06:58

So in early December I told my husband I wanted to separate. It had been a long time coming for me and although we had been arguing and talked about splitting before, it was a bit of a shock for him.

Now he's moved out and he's saying he can't have the kids overnight or longer than an afternoon as he's so upset. I'm internally rolling my eyes a bit but maybe I'm being a bit cold hearted, I did just ruin his whole life after all. Should I give him a few weeks (months??) to get himself sorted? Equal leisure time away from the kids was one of the things we argued about.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/01/2022 07:02

I would make sure you claim CMS on the basis that you do all overnights.

Then I’d set up a schedule do the time he has with him increases each week and by the end of a month he has them at least one overnight

But that’s being generous. He’s doing this to control you and leave you with all the hard bits of parenting.

Whingasaurus · 19/01/2022 07:03

What a tit still at least you know you definitely did the right thing

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 07:04

He shouldn't need a few weeks to sort himself out before he spends proper time looking after his own children.

He's probably trying to punish you because he thinks you want him to have them overnight so you can go off and enjoy yourself. It wouldn't be the first man I've heard of to do that.

Morechocmorechoc · 19/01/2022 07:05

What a load of crap. If he was upset he'd want them more. Lazy. Don't fall for the nonsense.

Littlegreenfrogcake · 19/01/2022 07:06

He is manipulating you. I would not accept this at all.

As PP said, build up contact if you must, but make sure there's a clear plan and timeline for overnight. You'd think he would be desperate for meaningful contact.

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 19/01/2022 07:08

Yes you should cut him a bit more slack, after all it was you that wanted to separate, but HE had to move out!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/01/2022 07:09

he’s doing this to control you and leave you with all the hard bits of parenting

At least you know you did the right thing
Jesus though
What a selfish dad

PacificState · 19/01/2022 07:11

Erm, I think it's possible he's genuinely devastated and needs a bit of time. It's impossible for us to judge that - you know him, we don't. Has he always shirked or is his record on doing his fair share ok?

When I ended our relationship my ex was extremely upset. His behaviour over the first six months was not at all indicative of how he went on to behave in the 12 years since, during which he's been a fantastic dad who has never let the kids down or shirked his responsibilities - quite the opposite. But in part that's because I didn't automatically assume he was doing his best to be a wanker.

Look, how you behave now will set the tone for how things go. I don't know how old your kids are but the truth about separation with kids is that you will have some kind of close relationship with their dad for years, possibly a couple of decades. If it's in your power to make that relationship friendly and decent by showing a bit of compassion now, I'd do it.

If you have good reason to think he's a total dickhead, that's another thing - but he's their dad, and they will want a relationship with him, which means you will have to be in contact. However much he gets on your nerves right now try to think about the long run.

pumpkinpie01 · 19/01/2022 07:19

My ex was like this , hadn't seen the kids for weeks after we split up said he was depressed. The only way he would see them was if I went too ( I stupidly agreed to this ) obviously that didn't work out and why shouldn't I have had a break ?! Don't fall into the trap I did. Just give him a week to gather his thoughts and encourage him to talk to family and friends

PonyPatter44 · 19/01/2022 07:19

What an utterly pathetic wimp. Was that fact that he is a great big man-baby one of the reasons you separated?

Velvian · 19/01/2022 07:21

Do you have a MIL? I don't know why, but my immediate thought was that it is something his mum has told him to say.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/01/2022 07:23

@PonyPatter44

What an utterly pathetic wimp. Was that fact that he is a great big man-baby one of the reasons you separated?
What an utterly heartless comment.

The guy has just had a relationship end. You don't know what kind of mental health issues he is experiencing.

OP, yes, obviously you need to give him some time if he is depressed and also encourage him to get some help so that he can get himself into a place where he can be a good father to his kids asap.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/01/2022 07:24

Also, you don't want to be sending your kids to him if you're not 100% sure of his parenting ability. If he is in a bad place with his mental health, why risk it?

PacificState · 19/01/2022 07:27

Be careful OP. If you're like I was you will be thinking 'here comes the rest of my life as a free agent!' - but that's not the whole truth.

One way or the other this man will be a BIG presence in your life and a huge presence in your kids' lives.

Whether that turns out to be a positive thing for you and them or a sad, difficult thing is partly in your hands right now.

You feel ok, he doesn't. If he's sobbing into cans of beer in an empty flat, he'd be right to think that's not an ideal environment for your kids right now.

This moment won't last for ever but your relationship will.

Itonlytakesonetree · 19/01/2022 07:36

Christ, you do sound cold tbh. You wanted to separate, so he lost his home , his wife and living with his kids. You say you told him early December - it's only mid January.
I can only assume none of the pps have been in this position. When my xh told me he wanted to separate, I lost the plot. Ended up on ADs and was in a dreadful place, it took months for me to get my shit together. And it took weeks for the logistics to be sorted out and I stayed in the house with dc. You have turned this man's life upside down and now you want him to get over it instantly.

unicornsarereal72 · 19/01/2022 08:14

I would plan over the next few weeks to build contact. With a view that by x day they will be staying one over night eow a d moving to fro/sat over the next few visits.

My ex left me as he had every right to do so. I was absolutely floored. But I didn't get to opt out of parenting as he was off living his best life. Once he moved into ow place he had the kids eow. It was non negotiable I need some down time too.

LethargicActress · 19/01/2022 08:22

Where has he moved out to? Is it somewhere suitable for him to have the children to stay?

SunshineOnKeith · 19/01/2022 08:33

@IwishICouldTurnBackTime

Yes you should cut him a bit more slack, after all it was you that wanted to separate, but HE had to move out!
So that makes it ok for him to abandon his children? Confused
HugeAckmansWife · 19/01/2022 08:39

Loads of women, literally dozens a month post on here that their DH has upped and left out of the blue, usually for OW. They are left to deal with the kids whilst unable to eat, sleep, think straight and feeling like they've been punched int he gut while their No1 support has not only caused it but is usually doing a personality 180 and being an absolute shit. This man had good warning it was likely and is being treated with kindness by the OP. She is allowed to end a relationship that is making her unhappy especially with thought and an opportunity for the other party to work on it together rather than having the rug pulled which happens to so many. he needs to man the fuck up and parent his children.

KurtWilde · 19/01/2022 08:42

Christ there's some unkind comments on this thread!

Is he not allowed to be struggling with the separation without being called a wimp?? Women come on here saying they're devastated about their relationship ending and get comments like 'be kind to yourself..' blah blah blah. Yes, they're not saying they can't have their kids for long without getting sad, but that's because they've usually been the ones who kept the kids after the separation.

Perhaps it's the thought of having to send them back home that's upsetting him, considering he's lived with them full time up to this point and is still adjusting to that fact?

Some of you are fucking horrible. And OP you sound cold tbh. You still get to have your kids there the majority of the time, he doesn't because you wanted to separate and he had to move out.

You do realise he could quite easily have said right that's fine let's separate but you can be the one to leave and I'll stay here with the kids, right?

Cut him some slack for a couple of weeks ffs.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/01/2022 08:55

He can ask for 50/50..no reason why not. He isn't being separated from his kids, quite the opposite. The op is not cold, but she is done with him as a partner. Sounds like he as plenty of warning and opportunities to work on things but chose to assume the op wouldn't have the guts to go through with it. Being kind to yourself in this circumstance means eating, drinking, carving out a few hours for a cry or a bath or a walk, not dumping your kids for an indeterminate amount of time.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/01/2022 08:56

What’s most important here (and always will be) and especially since the split was barely a month ago, is the children, not who has “more leisure time away from them”.
If he is being manipulative, then they need protecting from being used as pawns. It is equally viable, and totally understandable, that if he didn’t see this coming, that he is in very poor mental health at the moment and isn’t coping well and fears being upset in front of the children and upsetting them more too.
The children need to know (age appropriate conversation, don’t know if they are older or younger, presuming younger) why it is hard for their dad to see them at the moment and not have parents arguing or frustrated about who gets more time away from them. Their world imploded less than a month ago too. If he is being manipulative they are better off away from him but need a careful explanation as to why they can’t see dad at the moment. If he is struggling mentally they need a careful explanation about that too. If you have to go with him for a while until he finds his feet, so that they can see dad, so be it. Before you leave them with him you need to know whether they are in a healthy environment with a fit carer or not. A manipulator, or someone whose mental health is suffering in that they are struggling to care for themselves, let alone children, is not someone who should be alone with children. The children’s welfare comes first. If the genders in this thread were reversed I doubt a woman whose husband had left her would be referred to as weak or manipulative in the first month after a break up, when the husband wanted her to have the children alone for the first time since it happened.
Manipulator or man struggling with his mental health, neither are great options as childminders. OP needs to find out which it is before she can make a decision about leaving the children with him.

MichelleScarn · 19/01/2022 08:59

Where is he living and where are you living? Did you ask him to move out? If it was your choice to separate yet you're still living in the family home and he's in a much smaller property or house sharing then it will be hard. Why don't you try the thing where you get a small flat and you and dh spend the 50/50 between there and the family home, where whoever time with the kids it is does it in their home? Is it not meant to be less upheaval for them?

RantyAunty · 19/01/2022 09:01

You don't get to switch to turn off parenting because you don't feel like it.

Mums keep going no matter what. Sickness, death, cheating, being left.

He needs to grow up and parent his children.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 19/01/2022 09:01

Loads of women, literally dozens a month post on here that their DH has upped and left out of the blue, usually for OW. They are left to deal with the kids whilst unable to eat, sleep, think straight and feeling like they've been punched int he gut while their No1 support has not only caused it but is usually doing a personality 180 and being an absolute shit.

This^

But especially this:

he needs to man the fuck up and parent his children.