Page 2 | Too sad to have the kids alone

PacificState · 19/01/2022 09:14

Loads of women, literally dozens a month post on here that their DH has upped and left out of the blue, usually for OW. They are left to deal with the kids whilst unable to eat, sleep, think straight and feeling like they've been punched int he gut while their No1 support has not only caused it but is usually doing a personality 180 and being an absolute shit.

'Some other people over there have been treated badly' is a truly terrible justification for encouraging the OP to kick her ex when he's down. Do we want people to have good relationships as separated parents or do you actually think that selfish, me-first jostling and bitching is the template separated parents should aim at?

The OP has a chance here to actually build a decent, friendly relationship with her children's dad, or set the template for a bitter, recriminatory nightmare that will affect her and her children for years.

Be as angry as you like in your own space, sound off to your mates, mentally call him an arsehole - but for your children's sakes see if there's a way here to treat each other with some kindness. One day he might repay it - my ex has, in spades. Only the other day he came and dog-sat for me for a whole day so that I could take my elderly dad to a lengthy appointment.

2pinkginsplease · 19/01/2022 09:17

Surely if he was that upset he would want to see the children more. I dont understand his logic.

He is a parent and therefore needs to step up whether he is hurting, angry or upset. Thats what being a parent is all about

Momijin · 19/01/2022 09:18

It sounds like he just doesn't want to parent and use any excuse.

Tbh I wouldn't like my kids being somewhere they weren't wanted.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/01/2022 09:20

I was devastated when ExH left me for OW, did I dump DDs on him full time and say I was too upset to have them? No. And if I did, I’d have had my arse handed to me.

Claim CMS on the basis you have them 24/7.

Guarantee he will want 50/50 then, ffs, they usually do.

HunkyPunk · 19/01/2022 09:25

Equal leisure time away from the kids was one of the things we argued about.

Tbh, when I read the op., it sounded like one of the reasons you wanted to separate was so that you could ring-fence some regular time away from your dc! Now you’re pissed off because your dh isn’t agreeing to have them for long enough. How do the dc feel about this tug-of-war with a twist?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/01/2022 09:28

I hate to generalise
But penis owners seem to be able to walk away from their kids far easier

Original poster

Coldheart3 · 19/01/2022 09:34

It's not that I'm desperate to have DC less. I actually am happy now doing things in the evening, I've been catching up with some volunteer work I wanted to do which was always a bone of contention for him. Totally understand that he's devastated, that's why I'm trying to tread lightly and I said he could come and stay here with the DC and I go elsewhere if that's easier.

Think I will give him more time, I do feel guilty that he had to move out somewhere smaller but we're still in a fix with our mortgage for a couple more years so what can I do.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/01/2022 09:42

Be careful with that idea
Him coming to house and you leaving
In a wonderful and happy co parenting set up its a great idea
But sadly it can take a while to get to that post split

draramallama · 19/01/2022 09:47

@HunkyPunk

Equal leisure time away from the kids was one of the things we argued about.

Tbh, when I read the op., it sounded like one of the reasons you wanted to separate was so that you could ring-fence some regular time away from your dc! Now you’re pissed off because your dh isn’t agreeing to have them for long enough. How do the dc feel about this tug-of-war with a twist?

Hmm, because what I saw was a man who's previously dumped all the childcare on op and is now continuing that pattern of abdication by using the separation as an excuse not to bother seeing his children.

Which is pretty pathetic, and also seems manipulative. I think the op is justified to be pissed off about such a shitty approach to "parenting" from him.

As a pp has said, surely if he's so upset he'd want to make sure there were arrangements for him to see them?

Being separated from his children is clearly not the part of the separation that is upsetting him if his response is to refuse to see them at all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 09:49

Oh that’s good to know! So when men leave their wives - either for an affair, a midlife crisis or just because they’re unhappy - the wife can’t be expected to look after the children for more than an afternoon. Because naturally she’ll be upset!!

D0lphine · 19/01/2022 09:54

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt personally.

I'd propose a schedule to him. So get a physical calendar or digital, whatever is easier and mark out his days and nights and your days and night. Increase to overnights in feb and aim to be at the final arrangement by April.

Propose that to him and see what he comes back with. My guess is he'll see it's reasonable and agree.

Don't call him a wimp or anything else horrible. No good for either of you. You need to be friendly and amicable about kids related stuff. Sounds like they're small so you're going to have to compare them with him for some time.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 09:57

My POV is - I decided to end our marriage in part because h didn’t pull his weight with the kids (we both worked and still work full time), although also because of EA.

He then declared he wanted 50:50! This seems to be very common though and he didn’t get it - now does a sort of 50:50 with out teen but not the little one for logistical reasons, but she doesn’t really require any hard work from him so that’s why. Does her own washing there, and brings all emotional worries back to me at the end of the week - which I don’t mind but just saying he hasn’t actually stepped up.

draramallama · 19/01/2022 09:58

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Be careful with that idea Him coming to house and you leaving In a wonderful and happy co parenting set up its a great idea But sadly it can take a while to get to that post split

I also agree. I get you're trying to be nice, but it's a recipe for more harm than good.

If there are already problems with his parenting and him abdicating to you, him coming to your house is going to encourage that to continue. He'll just be swooping in to do Disney Dad stuff, ignoring the boring stuff, undermining you, and then leaving you to deal with the fall out.

It also denies him the opportunity to step up and be a proper parent as he would if they visited him in his own place where he was responsible for everything.

Never mind all the privacy issues, blurred boundaries and confusion of him treating your home as still his home where he can come and go despite the relationship having ended, but where he can totally opt out of responsibility for any of the boring stuff like getting food in or clearing up after himself or following house rules.

Just be careful that in trying to be 'nice' because you feel guilty for being the one to make this decision, that you don't actually bring more problems on yourself and your children.

HRMtheQuern · 19/01/2022 10:01

Asking for money to look after your own children doesn't sit right with me

draramallama · 19/01/2022 10:03

You need to be friendly and amicable about kids related stuff.

Absolutely. But don't confuse being friendly/amicable with saying yes to everything and passively acquiescing to whatever he wants/demands.

Decisions should be made in the best interests of the children, and communicated respectfully.

Saying no to unreasonable demands or proposals that are not in the children's best interests is not being 'unfriendly', it's being assertive and a good parent.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/01/2022 10:04

@Coldheart3 giving him more time sounds like a sensible option.
During that time, however, I would gently ask him what he is doing about his mental health. Whilst I am very sympathetic to how he may be feeling, (and despite what some posters say, in some cases depression can incapacitate you to the point of being literally unable to ‘man/ woman the fuck up’ and parent children, even if you wanted to. Children do get temporarily taken into care because of a clinically depressed lone parent with no support ) he has children to co-parent and needs to see he has to be proactive in getting help. It’s the first step towards getting himself back to being ‘dad’ and will help him more generally to adjust to his new life. If he won’t seek help, and after a reasonable amount of time is still doing this, then you’ll know that it is manipulation and you will know where you want to go from there. Time will give you the answers and hopefully the right outcome for everyone.
Relationships fail and you needed to split up, no need to beat yourself up there, but even when it is expected, it must be hard to adjust to the new status quo and know that each time you see your children you are going to have to hand them back again. Give him the time but make sure he is taking steps to get well again. He mustn’t wallow and avoid personal responsibility for his health. The onus is on him to get well as soon as he can in order to be a good father to his children. I agree with other posters that it is better to try to stay at least amicable, he will always be their dad and this situation isn’t going to go away. Hope it works out well, it’s early days yet but the future will be brighter once everyone has adjusted. X

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 10:05

I don’t know when my ex left me I just had to get on with it and he left me aLone with four kids but I didn’t have a choice. Why do men get the choice to walk away I know loads of men don’t like taking the kids and giving the woman time to herself, they see it as giving you a break and why should you get one, they don’t like the thought of you having free time as it’s a control thing, my ex was like that, he wouldn’t see the kids without me being there: surely if he was that upset he would want to see them more not less?

KurtWilde · 19/01/2022 10:05

I think at this point you have no idea how involved he's going to be as a dad. What he was like as a dad within the relationship isn't really an indication of what he'll be like now he's out of it.

Someone on another thread said (and I'm paraphrasing), that some men are great dads while they're still emotionally attached to their kid's mum, but when that relationship ends they get a bit shit. As I said, paraphrasing, but you get the gist.

Hopefully this isn't the case OP and he just needs to get his act together.

Re. him seeing the kids in your house.. against my better judgement I let my exh do this for a while (long, complicated story), and rather than parenting he just made himself at home, which defeated the object of me leaving him in the first place. So just be wary of that one.

draramallama · 19/01/2022 10:06

Feeling sad is a natural reaction to a relationship ending.

It is not the same as clinical depression and it is crass to suggest it is.

MichelleScarn · 19/01/2022 10:10

I never thought I'd be writing something like this..
But why are so many posters berating the dh for 'walking away' ' abandoning his kids' it was op who instigated the split (as she has every right to!) and asked him to move out.

Bitbloweyoutthere · 19/01/2022 10:15

@MichelleScarn

I never thought I'd be writing something like this.. But why are so many posters berating the dh for 'walking away' ' abandoning his kids' it was op who instigated the split (as she has every right to!) and asked him to move out.

Because he's saying he's too upset to have the kids for very long. He's basically saying if he can't have her, he can't have the kids.

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 10:18

@MichelleScarn

I never thought I'd be writing something like this.. But why are so many posters berating the dh for 'walking away' ' abandoning his kids' it was op who instigated the split (as she has every right to!) and asked him to move out.

Because he doesn’t want to see them? Doesn’t matter if she ended it there still his kids

KurtWilde · 19/01/2022 10:19

Because he's saying he's too upset to have the kids for very long. He's basically saying if he can't have her, he can't have the kids.

He's not basically saying this at all. He's saying having his kids upsets him because it reminds him he's not in their lives full time anymore.

Imagine you had to send your kids 'home' after a few hours, to a home you used to share with them as a family but are now no longer part of, and it wasn't even something you wanted. I know I'd be fucking devastated so honestly I can see how he's struggling with it.

Asking for 50/50 would help with that in the long term, is that something you'd be interested in OP?

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 10:20

@KurtWilde

Because he's saying he's too upset to have the kids for very long. He's basically saying if he can't have her, he can't have the kids.

He's not basically saying this at all. He's saying having his kids upsets him because it reminds him he's not in their lives full time anymore.

Imagine you had to send your kids 'home' after a few hours, to a home you used to share with them as a family but are now no longer part of, and it wasn't even something you wanted. I know I'd be fucking devastated so honestly I can see how he's struggling with it.

Asking for 50/50 would help with that in the long term, is that something you'd be interested in OP?

So just don’t see them instead then? Yeh great logic... really devastated

baileys6904 · 19/01/2022 10:23

Cut the bloke some slack.

If a woman posted that their partner had split up with them A few weeks before Christmas, kept the house and the kids and they were distraught, they'd be a lot of support and 'one step at a time' comments.
Of course op, you have a right to end any relationship you want, and it's good you care enough about your child's dad to ask the question. This man will be in your life for years, so may as well try and make it a sustainable and amicable time.
And at the end of the day, it's him that's missing out. It's up to him how long for. I embrace every second I spend with my child