Too sad to have the kids alone

[Coldheart3]

So in early December I told my husband I wanted to separate. It had been a long time coming for me and although we had been arguing and talked about splitting before, it was a bit of a shock for him.

Now he's moved out and he's saying he can't have the kids overnight or longer than an afternoon as he's so upset. I'm internally rolling my eyes a bit but maybe I'm being a bit cold hearted, I did just ruin his whole life after all. Should I give him a few weeks (months??) to get himself sorted? Equal leisure time away from the kids was one of the things we argued about.

So just don’t see them instead then? Yeh great logic... really devastated

But he IS seeing them, just not for long periods of time, so I don't know why you've decided he isn't seeing them at all! That's not what OP said.

@baileys6904

Cut the bloke some slack.

If a woman posted that their partner had split up with them A few weeks before Christmas, kept the house and the kids and they were distraught, they'd be a lot of support and 'one step at a time' comments.
Of course op, you have a right to end any relationship you want, and it's good you care enough about your child's dad to ask the question. This man will be in your life for years, so may as well try and make it a sustainable and amicable time.
And at the end of the day, it's him that's missing out. It's up to him how long for. I embrace every second I spend with my child

To be fair if this was a woman who'd left her family home and was distraught there'd be a lot of advice on keeping as much contact with her kids as possible so she's looked favourably on in terms of residency when she's back on her feet.

But if they were already arguing about time spent with kids, and she's left him thinking that this will force him into taking his share of childcare, it sounds like he's just digging his heels in, in an attempt for her to take him back.

@RedCandyApple my ex was the same , found myself sitting in soft play with him after we had split , wouldn't have the kids without me .Got to the point where my solicitor write him a letter telling him he had to have all 3 by himself every Sunday , solicitor said he was normally fighting for dads to see their kids more not having to tell them to spend time with them .

@MichelleScarn

I never thought I'd be writing something like this.. But why are so many posters berating the dh for 'walking away' ' abandoning his kids' it was op who instigated the split (as she has every right to!) and asked him to move out.

Because he’s saying that if he can’t have her, he can’t look after their joint children? Or is that some new rule, that the person who instigates the split has to do 100% of the childcare post-split?

OP, this is reminding me of a couple I know where the husband did nothing at all as regards the children/housework/life admin during the marriage. His wife did everything as well as working FT while he gamed every hour he wasn’t at work. He in fact instigated the split (apparently ‘family life wasn’t for him’) but then kept putting off moving out and his wife ended up being the one who organised the removal and connecting utilities at his new house! And then he said he’d have to ‘work up to having the children, although it was a supposed 50/50 arrangement. I believe it took him almost a year to have them over night.

[quote pumpkinpie01]@RedCandyApple my ex was the same , found myself sitting in soft play with him after we had split , wouldn't have the kids without me .Got to the point where my solicitor write him a letter telling him he had to have all 3 by himself every Sunday , solicitor said he was normally fighting for dads to see their kids more not having to tell them to spend time with them . [/quote]
It’s pathetic isn’t it, I’ve done all that been to the park with him with them because he struggled taking them out alone, I made it clear it was temporary until he felt confident but he never did. He wouldn’t see the kids unless he could come to my house to see them, if I stayed in my room he wouldn’t come because I was in his words “acting weird” I was trying to give him alone time with the children. Once I started insisting on him taking them and told him he couldn’t come to my house anymore funnily enough he decided he wouldn’t be seeing them anymore 🤦🏻

If he was that devastated he would be wanting to spend as much time as possible with them sounds more like he is punishing the op for leaving to me.

@HRMtheQuern

Asking for money to look after your own children doesn't sit right with me

Not insisting on supplying money to provide for your own children, particularly when you are refusing to look after them yourself, doesn’t sit right with me. Much stronger words actually.

Well of course the op is planning to stay in the house at least short term, do all the people thinking shes being harsh think that if only she’d moved out he’d happily step up and parent? She knew she’d be a full time single parent most days so she should stay in the house. She hadn’t factored in he can’t seem to manage to do any practical parenting at all, and another one eyerolling here. No ones saying he’s not upset but women get on with it through heartbreak all the time, and I can’t imagine not wanting to see my children for more than a few hours a week.

Well, unfortunately, it's not down to you to "give him" time to sort himself out. Either he's adult enough to 'woman up', or he's not. You can't force him to have the kids when he doesn't want them. He just won't answer the door, or won't care for them properly if you do.

I have been in EXACTLY your position, and it took a couple of months for my ex to actually do a bare minimum of parenting on 1 day a week...I just bit my tongue - A LOT - and stuck it out because, in the end, I had what I wanted most, which was freedom from him.

By the way, you are not cold hearted and you didn't ruin his life. You made an adult decision. He's allowed to be upset about it, but doesn't need to be a useless martyr...he's choosing to be.

@RedCandyApple does your ex see the kids at all now then ? Mine was definitely trying to control me and stop me rebuilding my life .

[quote pumpkinpie01]@RedCandyApple does your ex see the kids at all now then ? Mine was definitely trying to control me and stop me rebuilding my life . [/quote]
No hasn’t seen them in a year now, he last saw them January of last year. Yes it was all about control for him too, he sees us as a package and he doesn’t want me to have any life or any time to myself.

@HRMtheQuern

Asking for money to look after your own children doesn't sit right with me

Time is money, and OP will have a lot less of that if she's doing 100% childcare. Less time to work (and earn) more, less time to meet new friends and create a new social circle. Totally justified. Start as you mean to go on, I'd say. He may be devastated, or he may be on a Tinder rampage making up for lost time, as a lot of them do. Don't let bad habits settle in.

@RedCandyApple aw that's crap . These men don't realise that they can't stop you moving on and all their behaviour does is damage their relationship with their kids

Thanks, this thread has made me feel a but better!

Hopefully he will start to feel better soon, he was always good with the DC when I'm working at the weekend and before he moved out he was okay but maybe the shock of actually living outside the home has got to him. Definitely going to watch and wait and bite my tongue a lot for now.

I eoi8have thought the kids want to know when they are seeing daddy, apart from anything else. There is nothing in the op to suggest he is clinically depressed, just understandably sad that his marriage is ended. OP I really wouldn't indulge this for very long at all: brisk and kind, 'OK then, lets say next Saturday shall we? You can pick them up at X. Would you like to stop them back before bed or will you have sorted beds by then? I stood in a park with my toddlers reading a message from the ow telling me my ex was staying with her. I parented them through every day, through every tantrum and wet bed and fall out with friend and homework that was too hard,all the while sorting out the legal, financial and emotional mess my ex left. Your ex is in nowhere near that position. Don't fall into the trap of pandering to this out of misplaced guilt.

My husband walked out on me and our three children while I was doing the school run one day .
No slack cut for me when he moved to abroad three weeks later .
Yes , be kind and empathetic - relationship breakdown can feel like a bereavement . and maybe give him a little time to settle .
However , unless he has a clinical diagnosis , he still needs to fulfil some responsibility .
Be aware , he might not tho - and as I found out all the weeping and wailing of poor me I am bereft without my children doesn’t necessarily translate into actually looking after them .
Expect to not be getting the overnights and ‘me time’ you want .

He's pathetic. Not for being sad but for thinking that absolves him of parenting. Women whose partners leave them rarely have the luxury of giving up parenting while they're feeling sad.

Clearly you didn't kick him out in a vacuum - he will have been at least some way at fault.

@Coldheart3 sounds like you're on the right track for now. If he's still taking the piss in six months, that will be different (and as others have said, seeing what that does to his child maintenance might make him think twice anyway). But in my experience there's no harm in cutting him some slack in the short term.

Look after yourself as well. I thought I was alright at the time when I went through separation but looking back on it, it was a crappy time and I always feel a bit sick thinking about those first few months and particularly how guilty I felt about bringing about such a massive sad disruption for the kids. Keep good mates around you and don't beat yourself up. Good luck 🤞

Even if he is genuinely utterly devastated...he needs to suck it up and look after his kids, like thousands of heartbroken women manage to do every day.

I think you should cut him some slack. Show him some sympathy. If your understanding now this would be a great start to co patenting.
Just make a plan when the time can increase, when he's feeling better.
Start as you mean to carry on. Be respectful and curtious and hope this continues both ways through the children's child hood. It's not separation that effects children it's the way the parents behave after.

For fucks sake. I dont think you are cold OP - I think your Ex to needs adult up and put his DC first

When you have children, you dont have time for woe is me, especially when you dont have them all the time. They will soon learn how important they are to him(hint: not at all) by his actions. He is too fragile to see his children?? I have no sympathy

I watched my DSis go through this with her ex and her DC want very little to do with him

I’m in a similar position in that I told my husband I want to separate. In an instant he went from having a family home, reasonably comfortable financial situation and security to looking at finding and furnishing somewhere to live on limited funds. That level of change alone is hard going never mind the emotional distress - I’ve decided to take things at a pace he can cope with. What that means practically is us sharing the house while he finds somewhere decent to live and has funds to buy basic furniture. I don’t want him living in a crappy flat with cobbled together bits and pieces, he’s someone I shared a life with for many years and I care for him. I expect him to go through a period of adjustment in terms of contact with the kids - they’ll need time too and I don’t want them living in very different circumstances to their family home.

I think 6/7 weeks is very quick for him to be out of the house if he’s starting from scratch and I don’t think there’s harm in giving him time to adjust. Yes women often find themselves having to pick themselves up and get on with it, but it’s not a race to the bottom. Just because it happens that way for doesn’t mean it can’t be done differently, with care and consideration for the partner and children impacted by your decision.

I’d give him some space and work towards whatever contact arrangements suit you both. If you’ve asked him to leave, you’ve had time to think and plan and adjust in a way that he hasn’t, it’ll take him time to get there.

It is quite quick I agree, the plan was to live in the same house for a few months and everything was fine until one night he got too drunk and started saying some awful things to me. That's when I said one of us need to leave the house. He was so apologetic the next day, absolutely mortified and I can understand he's angry at me but for us both it was best one of us leave and he chose to

I think you're doing the right thing taking it steady with him at the moment. But as PP said if he's still like this 6 months down the line then yeah, you've got problems. As I've just mentioned on another thread I bent over backwards to try and facilitate my exh relationship with our DC and 6+ years on he's still taking the mickey. It's exhausting for me and crap for the kids.

I mentioned upthread just because he was an engaged dad during your marriage doesn't necessarily mean he'll continue to be now he's out of it, so it's a wait and see for a bit and hopefully he'll get his act together. Unfortunately you can't make him step up properly, as I and many more can attest to.

I do think it's just the shock of the separation though from what you've said, starting all over again, and probably upset that he has to send them 'home' when their home used to be his. With that in mind things will likely settle down and improve as it's still early days yet.