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Original poster

White lie or morally reprehensible

62 replies

Sunday123456 · 18/01/2022 15:23

So over a drink my partner has decided to disclose the number of sexual relationships they have had in the past.
However they forgot that we had already had this conversation 13 years ago when we first started dating.
The indiscretion is that they have now doubled their account which could be questionable, depending on you moral high ground.
I have questioned my partner about said indiscretion and their reply was that they didn't want to be seen as overly promiscuous.
So is this a little white lie or morally reprehensible???

OP posts:
APileofLogs · 18/01/2022 15:28

The lie was 13 years ago when you had just started dating. I wouldn't give it any more thought. I told my now-husband that I was grade 8 piano when I'm actually grade 5 (why did I do this? why?) and he still takes the piss about it nearly 20 years later.

HeddaGarbled · 18/01/2022 15:30

Little white lie.

gobbledygoook · 18/01/2022 15:47

It might not be something that bothers most people, but I'd personally not be impressed. I wouldn't be basing a whole relationship on the number of someone's sexual partners - but I'd be upset at being lied to about it, it would make me reconsider other things they'd said in all honesty. Personal preference - I wouldn't want to be with someone with a sexual past of 50+ people, so if that had been the lie I'd be really annoyed!

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2022 15:55

In an ideal world, they wouldn’t have felt they needed to lie about it in the first place - except we don’t live in an ideal world but one with all kinds of weird values around sex and so plenty of people worry about being judged for something as ridiculous as how many people they’ve previously had sex with. Hence the lowering of the number.

You aren’t entitled to somebody’s past. The number of people they had sex with previously to you doesn’t affect your relationship. Be angry with a society where “promiscuity” is even a thing by which we put a value on somebody’s character or morals, rather than with your partner.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/01/2022 15:56

If this would honestly damage a relationship of 13 years to the point one party is debating whether or not it's 'morally reprehensible' then I would argue the relationship can't be in a very good place to start with...

It's a white lie, told a long time ago and if the party who told that white lie is a generally honest, kind and loving partner then they shouldn't be punished or interrogated about their previous sexual history.

It was so, so long ago.

AlwaysinaFlap · 18/01/2022 16:00

It's a white lie - I would have done the same.

Bookworm20 · 18/01/2022 16:13

@gobbledygoook

It might not be something that bothers most people, but I'd personally not be impressed. I wouldn't be basing a whole relationship on the number of someone's sexual partners - but I'd be upset at being lied to about it, it would make me reconsider other things they'd said in all honesty. Personal preference - I wouldn't want to be with someone with a sexual past of 50+ people, so if that had been the lie I'd be really annoyed!
This for me too.

Knocking a few of the total, not really big deal. Knocking half off, a bit different I think.
But the fact its now 13 years later, I'd not be impressed he'd kept a lie up that long, but if you have a great relationship otherwise I'd put it down to him just being a naive twat back then.
As long as he didn't accumulate the extras since the realtionship started, that is.

Redlorryyellowduck · 18/01/2022 16:14

I think the number of past serial partners isn't a bit relevant and haven't even discussed my "number" with DH, nor his with me. I'd let it go.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/01/2022 16:24

But the fact its now 13 years later, I'd not be impressed he'd kept a lie up that long, but if you have a great relationship otherwise I'd put it down to him just being a naive twat back then.

Unless they frequently had this conversation over the years, I don't see it as 'keeping up a lie' really.

He or she said something way back then and I can't imagine why he or she have needed a year in / five years in / ten years in to sit their partner down and make some sort of weird confession 'you know I said X years ago that I had shagged five people before you, it was actually ten'.

Yummypumpkin · 18/01/2022 16:36

I say white lie because the number isn't material, ie you didn't decide to date them because of it.

If the number was in a different order (ie 25 rather than 5) then that would be wrong as it implies an entire different lifestyle and set of values.

Doubling is a white lie for me.

So long as the extra ones didn't happen after you got together!

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 16:42

So is this a little white lie or morally reprehensible

There's no answer to this. Everybody will feel differently about it.

Which do you think it is OP? It's you who matters here.

TedMullins · 18/01/2022 16:43

This is a complete non issue. I might tease them a bit for lying and make it into a joke but that would be it.

Dumblebum · 18/01/2022 16:47

Completely irrelevant and really none of your business. It’s likely they lied if they thought you were the sort to judge.

Ipadflowers · 18/01/2022 16:48

But the fact its now 13 years later, I'd not be impressed he'd kept a lie up that long,

But the op could be male or female, and their partner the same, they have not said if their partner is a bloke, it could be a woman.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/01/2022 18:13

I lied about this to my DH. The number of people I slept with in dark and scary parts of my youth where I was confused and damaged were not a true representation of the healed and happy person I was when I met him, and actually although I later explained to him the things I had been through, I understood in the early days the misconception there can be around female promiscuity and in particular my reasons for it weren’t ones I felt a young man would necessarily understand or attribute.

I was also looking for a serious relationship and I’m aware that men look at you funny and as if you aren’t there to be taken seriously if you have slept around. My DH wasn’t like that but in the early days who knew 🤷🏻‍♀️

Philly1234 · 18/01/2022 18:25

I think it’s irrelevant

GreyCarpet · 18/01/2022 18:47

I agree. It's irrelevant and I can't even imagine having this conversation with someone. I've never asked and no one's asked me since I was about 21!

Besides, I have no idea how many men I've had sex with! I remember counting up to 30 once but that was a very long time ago... probably around 50? And I was trapped in a completely sexless relationship for 11 years.

So it's utterly meaningless anyway. But I doubt I'd be honest. It's no one else's business but mine.

Pinkbonbon · 18/01/2022 20:11

Pft, little white lie. Surely you can understand their reasoning. It's not a reflection on you or them, but societal expectations and judgements.

fallfallfall · 18/01/2022 20:16

conversations with someone intoxicated is always irrelevant.
old history is boring.
do you like the person today is the bigger issue.

BarefootHippieChick · 18/01/2022 20:33

But the op could be male or female, and their partner the same, they have not said if their partner is a bloke, it could be a woman.

I'm thinking partner is female. Imo women don't get so concerned about the number of partners men have had because it's often 'expected', just 'blokes being blokes'. But when a man finds out the woman has had a lot of sexual partners, it's often a very different story.....

Ipadflowers · 18/01/2022 20:42

@BarefootHippieChick

But the op could be male or female, and their partner the same, they have not said if their partner is a bloke, it could be a woman.

I'm thinking partner is female. Imo women don't get so concerned about the number of partners men have had because it's often 'expected', just 'blokes being blokes'. But when a man finds out the woman has had a lot of sexual partners, it's often a very different story.....

I suspect the same, the careful hiding of gender, the partner being concerned as being promiscuous, the over the top reaction of “morally reprehensible” makes me think the partner is female. And one who has made a terrible mjstake in telling her partner.
Pinkbonbon · 18/01/2022 20:53

True that most women wouldn't give a shit how many sexual partners their hubby has had.
Unless, they are suffering from seriously low self esteem. Perhaps maybe amplified by theur partner watching a lot of porn or often seeming uncomplimentary of them and and maybe suddenly revealing one day that they had a lot more sexual partners than they initially said. So pp could be the woman in the scenario if this lie was part of a bigger pattern of unsavory behaviour.

Isolated101 · 18/01/2022 20:57

I wouldn’t be interested in their past partners, it’s about who they are to me, and how they have treated me during the time we’re together that’s important

MeSanniesareBrannies · 18/01/2022 20:57

I can’t imagine having this conversation once, let alone twice. And, as they felt the need to lie and you’re using words like ‘morally reprehensible’, I’m going to guess that you’re the one asking.

Why on Earth would you care?

Gilda152 · 18/01/2022 21:03

White lie and completely irrelevant surely after 13 years?