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Relationships

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Original poster

White lie or morally reprehensible

62 replies

Sunday123456 · 18/01/2022 15:23

So over a drink my partner has decided to disclose the number of sexual relationships they have had in the past.
However they forgot that we had already had this conversation 13 years ago when we first started dating.
The indiscretion is that they have now doubled their account which could be questionable, depending on you moral high ground.
I have questioned my partner about said indiscretion and their reply was that they didn't want to be seen as overly promiscuous.
So is this a little white lie or morally reprehensible???

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/01/2022 21:17

I never understand why people disclose at all..

Forget it.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 18/01/2022 21:27

I’m fairly sure I divided by 3, back in the day.
Getting het up about this after 13 years, however, suggests some self-esteem/trust issues you may want to explore.

Opentooffers · 18/01/2022 21:31

A wrong conversation from the start. Never have I been asked how many I've slept with, never have I ever asked anyone else. If I was asked, I would not disclose as it's irrelevant and I would not particularly want to know someone else's numbers. When you've known someone for a while, you get a feel for whether they've been promiscuous in the past by what they say about past experiences. But what counts is the present and their overall attitude to sex and relationships tells you if they are long-term material or not.
If you go asking, prepare for issues, because you must have some to want to know in the first place.

FindingMeno · 18/01/2022 21:36

Little white lie.
I'd be quite amused personally.

TheGrinchsDog · 19/01/2022 00:03

Who even talks about this as an adult? It's never a good idea to talk about this IMO, one person usually has an agenda for bringing it up.

Also, what relevance does it have to a relationship, how many sexual partners each person has had previously as long as they have practiced safe sex and are STD free?

Anyway it depends on what the sexes are. If your partner is a woman it's highly likely a white lie because of slut shaming still being a thing.

If your partner is male, it's highly likely a white lie so you didn't think they were a player because of their sexual past, but personally I'd find it more possible there would be other reasons for a man to hide his sexual past - call me a misogynist if you will.

All things said, what does it matter really and probably white lie.

OssieShowman · 19/01/2022 00:08

Cant imagine why the issue came up again 13 years later. Let it go. Way in the past.

madisonbridges · 19/01/2022 00:22

I've never told the truth about this. Too few and you sound undesirable. Too many and you sound too easy. If I ever told anyone, and it's not something I'd usually discuss because it's irrelevant and a bit tacky, I'd adjust the number according to the person I was with. To be honest I'm not sure I could tell you the real number anymore.
Who cares? What (and maybe who) they did in the past made them what they are today. And if you love them, then it's all good.

goawaystormy · 19/01/2022 00:24

@gobbledygoook
I wouldn't want to be with someone with a sexual past of 50+ people, so if that had been the lie I'd be really annoyed! - can you articulate why exactly?

stevalnamechanger · 19/01/2022 00:25

@gobbledygoook

It might not be something that bothers most people, but I'd personally not be impressed. I wouldn't be basing a whole relationship on the number of someone's sexual partners - but I'd be upset at being lied to about it, it would make me reconsider other things they'd said in all honesty. Personal preference - I wouldn't want to be with someone with a sexual past of 50+ people, so if that had been the lie I'd be really annoyed!

What's the difference between 49 and 51 ?

Redglitter · 19/01/2022 00:28

So is this a little white lie or morally reprehensible

Morally reprehensible? Good grief do you always over react like this

hellobabyyy · 19/01/2022 00:46

White lie to me. A number also wouldn’t bother me. I’d much rather be with someone who had slept with 50 women and used condoms and had regular STI tests than someone who had had 10 relationships and never used protection/got tested.

RantyAunty · 19/01/2022 01:16

I can't imagine why the topic would even come up after 13 years together.

It's a non issue.

Is there a reason you're not married?

gobbledygoook · 19/01/2022 04:42

[quote goawaystormy]@gobbledygoook
I wouldn't want to be with someone with a sexual past of 50+ people, so if that had been the lie I'd be really annoyed! - can you articulate why exactly?
[/quote]
Of course! As I said, it's personal opinion though. To me sex is just about the most intimate thing you can do with a person, to me it should be with someone you love and trust completely. Personally I don't think I would be comfortable being with someone who didn't view sex in the same way, so if my partner had slept with 50+ people (arbitrary number selected, depends on situation obviously) to me it would show they didn't have the same feelings about it and I don't think we'd be compatible on that point.

Justcallmebebes · 19/01/2022 08:41

Totally irrelevant in my opinion unless the number has doubled due to sexual partners he's had during your relationship. If this isn't the case, then forget about it.

ravenmum · 19/01/2022 08:55

You are using the word "indiscretion" to describe what she did, so you have already judged it to be bad behaviour. Why ask us if we agree? What's going on in your relationship that means you want support for the idea that she might have poor moral judgement? Do you need a reason to leave? Are you afraid she's having an affair?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 19/01/2022 10:22

@ravenmum You surely wouldn’t suddenly stop thinking you were comparable with someone with whom you’d been happily compatible for over a decade because you discovered they’d had some arbitrary number of prior sexual partners? The compatibility would just vanish?

Or is that not what you’re saying, as it doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

ravenmum · 19/01/2022 10:25

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]@ravenmum You surely wouldn’t suddenly stop thinking you were comparable with someone with whom you’d been happily compatible for over a decade because you discovered they’d had some arbitrary number of prior sexual partners? The compatibility would just vanish?

Or is that not what you’re saying, as it doesn’t really make a lot of sense.[/quote]
Are you talking to someone else? I was asking OP why he wanted us to confirm that his wife is morally reprehensible. I suggested two possible reasons why he might want our input, seeing as he already has an opinion.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 19/01/2022 10:31

OP, you have two previous posts about your wife’s past partners (obsessing over a ‘sexually provocative’ photo she sent someone before she was with you, then obsessing over a married ex being friendly - even though she ignored/blocked him and you found all of his communications to be above board).

I think you might need to see someone one about this bizarre retroactive jealousy that appears to be consuming you. This is not healthy behaviour.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 19/01/2022 11:40

@ravenmum I’m so sorry. I was addressing @gobbledygoook and mistagged.

Original poster

Sunday123456 · 19/01/2022 11:42

Thank you everyone for your opinions, this forum is the quickest, cheapest & most direct therapy x

OP posts:

gobbledygoook · 19/01/2022 11:44

Or is that not what you’re saying, as it doesn’t really make a lot of sense.[/quote]
I think it's a tough situation for the OP - and I think if my partner of a decade turned around to me now, and said they'd lied 10 years ago (when they knew my opinions / feelings / how much it meant to me) then yes I'd be really struggling with that. I would be upset at the lies, especially because it's something personal that matters to me. I would seriously doubt how compatible we were, if they knew my feelings on the subject (and the reasons behind it) from the outset and continued to lie. Having said that, I'm not in this situation - I was merely offering my opinion on why, for some people, the number of sexual partners someone's had can personally be a really big deal. Obviously that's not the same for everybody, but just my opinion.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 19/01/2022 11:51

@MeSanniesareBrannies

I think you might need to see someone one about this bizarre retroactive jealousy that appears to be consuming you. This is not healthy behaviour.

Oh dear op. This must be very difficult for your wife to have to live with. This forum isn’t the best therapy, because it’s not working. You need to try to get help for your jealousy and insecurity. For both your sakes.

FlowerFlour · 19/01/2022 12:45

@Sunday123456

Thank you everyone for your opinions, this forum is the quickest, cheapest & most direct therapy x

I think you need actual, real life, therapy, rather than constantly trying to get reassurance from us to soothe your baseless paranoia.

Your wife must be living a dog's life having to listen to this. 'Morally reprehensible' indeed.

GreyCarpet · 19/01/2022 12:50

Not only that, but a higher number signifies one night stands rather than relationships. In which case, the sex is usually pretty meh!

You need to ask yourself what is bothering you.

The number?
The white lie?
And why?
Do you feel compared?
Inadequate?
Or that she is wrong somehow for having had a large(r) number?

What is it that is the issue?

Milkyway34x · 19/01/2022 13:08

My boyfriend did this too. Never slept with any women here and only had his 3 relationships. Since then I know there's been 7 at least not 3 and get told me he had sex with loads of women when he was young.

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