Odd comment, confused

[Mummytomygirls]

I recently moved in with my boyfriend, been together 2 years. We are both in our 40s. We bought a new bed so yesterday I bought us some new bed covers. He put them on today and put the old ones in the wash, then went in and laid on the bed. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. He called out and said to me these bedcovers remind me of my ex girlfriend. I said why did you say that!? And he said only joking no need to be in a mood. Now I’m in a mood and he said I’m over reacting. Any thoughts? I feel upset but don’t know if I am over reacting? Why even say that, he was separated 3 years before he met me and has had several girlfriends since his divorce 9 years ago. I feel a bit upset.

Does he often say you're over reacting? That's more of a concern than an insensitive comment about sheets.

It was insensitive, though.

What is 'over' reacting? Why does he know what the correct level of action is for this, and feel qualified to instruct you?

When someone says you are over reacting, they're saying 'You are reacting too much for my preference, and I'd rather focus on that than on helping you feel better.' A sensitive partner would apologise for hurting your feelings, not defend themselves by making your response into a mistake.

I think I would have asked him why the covers reminded him of his ex-gf? rather than 'Why did you say that?' which sounds very defensive.

He just said why am I over reacting and let it ruin my own day by looking upset about it when It was only a joke. I just don’t understand why this would be a joke?

I wish I had said now why because they are wrinkled (they hadn’t been ironed) 😂

He likes banter I should have just brushed it off

But instead I’m sitting at work thinking why would he say a random thing like that and I’m feeling really upset

@Mummytomygirls

I wish I had said now why because they are wrinkled (they hadn’t been ironed) 😂

Why would you want to insult her? He’s the issue.

I'm guessing she had the same design. Bit of a thoughtless comment from him.

If everything else is ok I'd just forget about it.

ricksteinsfisheife I don’t even know who his ex girlfriends are, I was just thinking as he was getting to me maybe I should have got to him instead of upsetting myself.

@Mummytomygirls

He likes banter I should have just brushed it off

Why should you? What rules are you trying to obey, that are telling you that your upset feeling 'should' be ignored and minimised?

Don't you think you 'should' be allowed to have your feelings, and he 'should' respect them?

Why does his choice get to be the thing that dictates which emotions you're allowed to have in response to him?

He does thoughtlessly bring up exes, maybe that’s why it bothered me. Like I will be doing my makeup and he will say oh my ex used to use primer she said it protects the skin. Or your trousers are too long because you are short, you need to look at the petite section, your not the only one though one of my exes found it hard to get the right length. I feel like not a day goes past without a little comment.

thefoundation that’s true. We had an argument before Xmas where I said something that upset him. I said it was thoughtless and I hadn’t meant it but he said it affected him and it took him 2 days and talking about it to get over the comment I made. Maybe I should say I’m upset when I get home. The problem is I find it hard to express why I’m upset and end up insulting people as a reaction. When I left for work I just said I can’t believe you said that your such a weirdo.

Are you really both in your 40s? Your relationship sounds really strange. Why can't you just have a conversation about what he meant and how it made you feel?

I guess I get my back up. When I was shutting the front door I said maybe the new bed reminds me of my ex husband. It sounds stupid when I write it down but I feel really upset.

We’ve had issues about him talking about his ex excessively at the beginning, maybe that’s why I get defensive if he references her now

Usually feelings can be expressed without reference to the other person, only to the behaviour they exhibited.

So you can say 'When you slammed the door on my fingers, I felt pain', but you don't have to say 'Only fuckwits slam doors on people's fingers'.

Try referencing the behaviour just once, and then starting everything else with 'I'. 'When you mentioned that the sheets reminded you of Barbara, I felt small, belittled, pushed aside, and hurt. Maybe it seems a bit much, but it is genuinely how it felt, and I need a partner who supports my feelings and doesn't belittle them.'

@Mummytomygirls

I guess I get my back up. When I was shutting the front door I said maybe the new bed reminds me of my ex husband. It sounds stupid when I write it down but I feel really upset.

This is really immature.

You both sound juvenile. What sort of relationship is it where you can’t talk about anything without getting so emotional and throwing punches at each other?

TheFoundation thank you that’s really helpful. I could say when you said the sheets remind me of your ex girlfriend it hurt my feelings as I had bought them for us for our new home.

I was in a long abusive marriage and it’s no excuse but I find it hard to discuss my feelings as I wasn’t”allowed” to have feelings a before. My ex husband used to shout at me if I expressed my feelings.

I’m finding I’m indirectly trying to hurt him when he upsets me instead of telling him how I feel.

Any chance he has OCD? Sometimes that can manifest in feeling compelled to say something that pops into your head, particularly if it's a sensitive topic that has caused issues in the past. For example, the bedsheets might have randomly caused him to think of an ex, he then feels guilty for thinking of her, he then has to 'come clean' by mentioning her.

@Mummytomygirls

ricksteinsfisheife I don’t even know who his ex girlfriends are, I was just thinking as he was getting to me maybe I should have got to him instead of upsetting myself.

You have only just moved in together, yet already the relationship is about who can "get" to who first.

Sounds unhealthy.

Does he often upset you with 'thoughtless' (or possibly well-thought out) comments, then excuse himself with the hackneyed Banter Defence?

If so, I would take my new sheets & fuck off out of there.

@Mummytomygirls

I’m finding I’m indirectly trying to hurt him when he upsets me instead of telling him how I feel.

Yes, because at some point along the line (probably as a child) you were taught that it's best not to say how you feel. What was your parents' relationship like? Respectful or each other? Respectful of you? Did you feel listened to and understood?

When we don't express ourselves directly, the feelings end up making themselves known anyway, which is what you're experiencing. It takes practice when you first resolve to be open, but if you can accept that any emotional response, spoken calmly, is better than hurtful comments that don't deal with the issue, you'll feel a) better b) self respecting and c) adult.

For me it helped to understand my feelings as if they were a wild animal. Unpredictable, but you don't argue with them. You respect them, and if they say 'RAH!', you bloody well listen.