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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Odd comment, confused

59 replies

Mummytomygirls · 18/01/2022 12:06

I recently moved in with my boyfriend, been together 2 years. We are both in our 40s. We bought a new bed so yesterday I bought us some new bed covers. He put them on today and put the old ones in the wash, then went in and laid on the bed. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. He called out and said to me these bedcovers remind me of my ex girlfriend. I said why did you say that!? And he said only joking no need to be in a mood. Now I’m in a mood and he said I’m over reacting. Any thoughts? I feel upset but don’t know if I am over reacting? Why even say that, he was separated 3 years before he met me and has had several girlfriends since his divorce 9 years ago. I feel a bit upset.

OP posts:

Ourlady · 18/01/2022 12:56

Well it would really piss me off if he was bringing up his exes all the time. He obviously knows you don’t like it so he is being disrespectful continuing to do it. He sounds like right arse.

ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 12:56

@Mummytomygirls

He does thoughtlessly bring up exes, maybe that’s why it bothered me. Like I will be doing my makeup and he will say oh my ex used to use primer she said it protects the skin. Or your trousers are too long because you are short, you need to look at the petite section, your not the only one though one of my exes found it hard to get the right length. I feel like not a day goes past without a little comment.

All the hallmarks of a man who enjoys controlling women.

If you wanted to exit the relationship, how hard would that be practically & financially, OP?

Original poster

Mummytomygirls · 18/01/2022 12:57

I’ve just sent him a message saying sorry for being immature but I felt hurt you told me the covers reminded you of your ex when I had bought them for our new bed.

OP posts:

DustyMaiden · 18/01/2022 12:58

@something2say have you considered a job as a diplomat.

Original poster

Mummytomygirls · 18/01/2022 13:03

He just replied with a thumbs up emoji and a kiss emoji. It’s annoying he hasn’t said sorry or he understands but maybe I’m looking into it too much. Maybe that is showing it’s all fine? I am starting to find his jokes tiring though they are not funny and I don’t know why he says them

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 13:04

'Sorry but' isn't an apology, it's a justification. Keep your own offences separate from his misdemeanours. What you've said isn't that your sorry, it's that you're sorry he made you react that way, ie it's all his responsibility.

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 13:06

@Mummytomygirls

He's responding to you saying sorry for being immature. He thinks you've taken responsibility for the upset and that he's done nothing wrong.

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 13:07

@Mummytomygirls

Stop judging your feelings. They are what they are. He's pissed you off, and his response to your apology has pissed him off. He's generally getting on your nerves with his jokes.

Take the 'maybe's out. 'Maybe I'm being too x', 'maybe he means this or that' etc is all childish. Stop guessing.

'When you did x, I felt y, and I need z' is the only format you need. Then, having calmly expressed yourself, if you continue not to get 'z', you leave. That's it. It's not complicated.

Bookworm20 · 18/01/2022 14:31

He's responding to you saying sorry for being immature. He thinks you've taken responsibility for the upset and that he's done nothing wrong.

This completely.

Also it was an incredibly stupid and insensitive comment he made. I mean, if it had been about a lamp or salad bowl or something, I would have probably rolled my eyes and thought, whatever.

But he made the comment about the bed sheets. Bed sheets you had bought to start your life together as a couple. A place where you are at your most intimate. I would have been pretty upset about that if it was me. In fact I'd of probably took the bed sheets off and binned them. Because with a thoughtless comment like that I'd be thinking every time we were in it, especially being intimate under those bed covers, is he being reminded of the ex again?

How he doesn't see that must mean hes either really really thick, or as someone mentioned earlier, is quite controlling, keeping you the backfoot all the time. Keeping your that little bit insecure.

Hell, hes even now got YOU to apologise to HIM!

avantguardeplanning · 18/01/2022 14:34

Is it the pattern of the duvet cover? If so, change it.

Bookworm20 · 18/01/2022 14:40

@something2say

Tbh you sound pathetic. He has exes, so what? Don't you? Do you never mention them? I think it is pathetic of you that he can't discuss aspects of his life without you getting the hump. Grow up!

This is a pathetic reply. Ignore it OP. I'm sure everyone has exes, and those exes get mentioned occasionally. But really not the thing to mention your fucking bed reminds you of an ex, is it?

Read the thread, this guy does it a lot. Saying the bed reminds him of an ex is not at all in the same region as discussing aspects of his life (eg mentioning a holiday destination he'd visited with y, or a band he'd been to see with z).

eekbumbler · 18/01/2022 14:45

It's probably something I would say because I don't think about how my comments affect other people. I'm only just learning that about myself after being diagnosed Asperger's as a 47 year old.
Not that I'm saying he has anything like that, some people are just generally thoughtless. I suspect it was the colours or something or something not in a positive manner at least otherwise wouldn't have been mentioned.

eekbumbler · 18/01/2022 14:46

Sorry didn't rtft ignore me.

Original poster

Mummytomygirls · 18/01/2022 14:51

I’m not going to buy another one as that one cost me quiet a bit, but it’s made me feel a bit rubbish.

OP posts:

Tailsyflugbun · 18/01/2022 14:53

Post a pic OP. Is it floral?

Zilla1 · 18/01/2022 15:18

Is he controlling and trying to undermine your confidence deliberately or does it just come naturally to him?

If he in unimaginative, perhaps when shopping in the fruit aisle, you might say 'This enormous banana reminds me of my last three ex's'.

When holding a 12" rule, you might sigh wistfully and look at your phone.

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 15:25

@Mummytomygirls

I’m not going to buy another one as that one cost me quiet a bit, but it’s made me feel a bit rubbish.

The boyfriends the problem. Not the bedding.

Ipadflowers · 18/01/2022 15:32

@Mummytomygirls

ricksteinsfisheife I don’t even know who his ex girlfriends are, I was just thinking as he was getting to me maybe I should have got to him instead of upsetting myself.

But that wasn’t getting to him, it was getting at her, who you don’t even know.

He likely meant that she has the same sheets, I think this is a whole communication issue. He likely didn’t mean anything by it and doesn’t seem to understand why mentioning his exS sheets has upset you a lot, his thumbs up response indicates he is fed up with it.

It doesn’t really sound like it works between you. He makes insensitive comments without thinking and you’re very sensitive/jealous, that’s quite a big hurdle for you both to overcome.

Original poster

Mummytomygirls · 18/01/2022 15:37

It’s just plain white covers

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/01/2022 16:02

@Mummytomygirls

Are your daughters living under the same roof as this dynamic?

It all sounds really juvenile and unhealthy, trying to get one over on each other and saying something nasty when feelings are hurt rather than saying 'that really hurt my feelings'.

5128gap · 18/01/2022 19:37

I think if you're comfortable enough with someone to be living with them then neither if you should be needing to censor yourselves over every throw away comment referencing a past life with other people. There's a big difference between saying something reminds you of an ex (presumably she had similar sheets?) and deliberately using ex's to hurt a current partner, eg, making unfavourable comparisons or constantly going on about how great they were. If you're at the living together stage, you should know which of these your partner is doing. The first is normal behaviour for adults with a past. The second is not.

layladomino · 18/01/2022 19:53

If he regularly mentions ex's then that's not a good sign. It's fine to make passing reference when it's relevant to the conversation, but to be raising them regularly, and out of nowhere, suggests he's trying to make you jealous / insecure.

At the very least I would have a calm conversation with him along the lines of 'You mention your ex's a lot, which is odd. I don't know any of them and I'm really not that interested. It feels as though you're talking about them with the intenion of winding me up. To be clear, you won't make me jealous of these people. I have no reason to be.'

If he's otherwise lovely then it may help. However, if you see signs that he's trying to undermine you / control you / wind you up / make you insecure, then best to cut and leave now.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 18/01/2022 19:54

@Mummytomygirls

It’s just plain white covers

So I’m guessing that’s what she had too?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 18/01/2022 19:56

@Mummytomygirls

He just said why am I over reacting and let it ruin my own day by looking upset about it when It was only a joke. I just don’t understand why this would be a joke?

It's only a joke if both people find it funny, otherwise it's just plain mean.

Realitea · 18/01/2022 19:58

If my Dh said that I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I would’ve probably just said we must have the same taste in bed linen and laughed
His ex girlfriends are part of his life as are my ex boyfriends. Some find it insensitive to bring up their past but others don’t.

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