Feel like DP is constantly sabotaging me

[UpToMyEye]

I feel like me and DP are constantly on opposite teams and it always feels like no matter what I try to do to improve our lives he sabotages it - on purpose or not I’m not really sure

It’s just small things like;
I make a meal plan and shop accordingly - he eats the ingredients and I usually find out halfway through cooking
I make a cleaning schedule and write it up on the fridge whiteboard - he takes on jobs from it but just doesn’t do them
I’ll tidy a room - he uses it and leaves his shite everywhere
I come up with a routine for the kids - if I’m not there he actively ignores it
I make a budget - he buys things to pay monthly for or adds things onto his bills and doesn’t tell me, I usually find out once we’re overdrawn and I don’t know why

It’s just constant fighting against him in tiny ways, in all the big ways he’s fab and in the big ways he’s always on my team and very supportive - but small holes sink a big ship and all that
It’s really getting me down tbh

Any advice?

Leave him. It doesn't get better I know from experience. He doesn't consider you a team, he considers you as someone he has to beat. I'm sorry.

Leave; small holes do indeed sink ships. He does indeed see you as the opposing side and such types also hate women, ALL of them.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?. How tied are you to him?. You mention children here, are they his?. No obstacle however, is insurmountable.

Good grief, no need to leave because of this, sounds like you are a good team in other ways and this can be worked on.

Do you work out these plans as a team? It sounds like you may be making plans without him, and he’s not buying into them, but doesn’t want to tell you this to avoid confrontation. I also like to make plans and control the situation, but sometimes have to accept my husband feels differently. I like kids to be in bed at a set time, he’s not so bothered so when I’m not there, he does his own thing, no harm done.

I would find eating ingredients very annoying, but he may be unaware. Could food for your meal plans to put in a different storage area so he knows that these are not to be touched?

Is he agreeing to these things with you and then ignoring him? If so, is he passive aggressive in other ways?
Or are you instigating these things without his agreement up front?

That is a LOT of small holes. And quite large small holes.

What I am wondering is why it has fallen on you to try and do all those things alone in the first place? Where is the partnership?

These are not small things.

These aren't really little things tho. Sounds like everything to do with routine is being suck without trace. You can't live with such financial insecurity either. He sounds like a young boyfriend, not a partner.

Can you speak to him and say exactly what you have said here.

That it upsets you and gets you down and can you sort it out together.

If he then won't listen, I guess cut your losses

He knows what he is doing here and he only cares for his own stupid self.

I would also think he does not try and undermine his work colleagues in the ways he does with you. He's probably all sweetness and light to them.

I can feel your pain.
Just reading what you said - you makes the lists, routines, everything. Is it possible he's got a child's mentality of he doesn't like to do what he's told ?
Could you ask him to make the lists & find a way to make things work ?
Obviously u don't know his personality - if he's just not interested full stop then you either get used to another child in the house or get rid

Do you both work? Just wondering if he considers the money as 'his'?

** I don't know his personality

(Fat fingers)

Does he find it all a bit too controlling? Not having a go, but it sounds as though you run a tight ship and make the rules. Do you plan and budget together? If not, this may be the problem.

Do you both work? Do you have a joint account and access to each other accounts?

I would find eating ingredients very annoying, but he may be unaware. Could food for your meal plans to put in a different storage area so he knows that these are not to be touched?

Are we talking about a child or an adult member of the household?

This is his family unit and his family responsibilities. It shouldn't be acceptable for him to abdicate any involvement in such basic points as food and budgets, let alone to then sabotage what the op has tried to do alone.

How is he expecting everyone to get fed? Or for the budget to balance? The only way the argument of "oh maybe the poor sap didn't realise " could be valid was if he thought there was a cookery nymph responsible for stocking the kitchen with food and preparing his family's meals.

He is an adult. He knows that meals don't prepare themselves and that they require the right ingredients. He should at the very, very least be asking what the plan is if he does not know. He is not a child to be supervised and managed.

I don’t actively sit down and plan things with him because he generally just says ‘whatever you think’ so he is aware that they’re happening, thing is though if I don’t make any plans/routines then nobody does - eg if I didn’t make a meal plan he would just sit all night with no food happening, and probably eventually order a takeaway, he says he’s incapable of looking around and seeing what housework needs doing so I worked out what needs doing weekly/twice weekly/fortnightly etc and I figured out a plan that means a few jobs a day and I write it down, so he doesn’t have to think he just has to do … but he still doesn’t do!
The kids routine thing doesn’t sound like a big deal but scrapping baths and bedtime when Mums not there smacks of ‘the boring one isn’t here so let’s have some fun’ I don’t always want to be the boring one with all the rules!

@AttilaTheMeerkat undermining is probably a better word yes, it’s very undermining

@MrMrsJones I feel like we have those chats quite regularly and I come up with ‘fixes’ like writing things down so he doesn’t feel like I’m nagging him, but I don’t think I’ve ever told him how exhausting it actually feels from my end, I could try!

Do you think couples counselling would help you have a better conversation about this? Would he engage with it or would he go through the motions but not really take it seriously?

but I don’t think I’ve ever told him how exhausting it actually feels from my end, I could try!

Why has he abdicated all responsibility for the boring/tiring parts of his family's life if not because he is already aware those are boring/tiring?

That's so disrespectful of him to basically treat you like his housekeeper. You are the woman so all the boring shit gets dumped on you because he can't be arsed.

he says he’s incapable of looking around and seeing what housework needs doing

Does he have some kind of disability to explain this?

With regards to money, we have a joint account and both have access, he works, I’m a SAHM/carer to 2 disabled children (not huge physical disabilities, just saying that I do bring in a little money in carers allowance) he does consider the money his which is a bit of a sticking point but I had to take over a few years ago after he utterly ballsed everything up, was spending more than we were earning, wasn’t paying bills and racking up late fees, was thousands into an overdraft and taking out payday loans to pay off, it was a mess, I took over and all bills are up to date and loans and credit cards are paid off now
So I do these things because I have to - I wish I didn’t have to

I would think he does not try and undermine his work colleagues like he does with you. And do not do any form of joint counselling with him. He knows full well what is what and he is showing you he does not care enough. He would rather you do it all whilst he sits back and otherwise swans about.

I would urge you to start piecing things together with a view to planning your exit. This is no relationship role model to be showing your children either.

@Rainbowshine I don’t think he would ever agree to couples counselling- I would love to! And tbf we probably can’t afford it anyway

@draramallama no disabilities! We’ve had this argument so many times, I’ve told him I don’t see the mess through my vagina and he has just as many eyes as I do but he just says things like that aren’t on his ‘radar’ and if I want something doing all I need to do is ask - which absolutely infuriates me so I came up with the written plan … but he ignores that too

I come up with ‘fixes’ like writing things down so he doesn’t feel like I’m nagging him

Nagging is a misogynistic term used to silence and blame women for men's behaviour.

If he pulled his weight, you would not be forced to repeatedly ask him to stop being a lazy sod. To then silence and blame you for his actions is disgraceful.

The problem is not that you "nag" him, the problem is that he is a lazy disrespectful sod who is failing his family by shirking his responsibilities. If he fulfilled his responsibilities you wouldn't be forced to ask him.

These are all his responsibilities, not yours that he "helps" with as a reward if you ask nicely enough or supervise - they are his responsibilities too and he is failing.

It is not about how you ask or explain or supervise, it is about his view that these tasks are beneath him as a man and his decision not to bother fulfilling them.

You can and indeed will manage a lot better without him in your lives day to day. What is the very point of him?.

I presume he was the one who was overspending and taking out payday loans etc - but you bailed him out. As understandable an action as that was, it was a mistake because you came in and rescued him thus enabling him to not feel the full force of the consequences from his actions. Enabling behaviours gives you a false sense of control.

I’ve told him I don’t see the mess through my vagina and he has just as many eyes as I do but he just says things like that aren’t on his ‘radar’ and if I want something doing all I need to do is ask

"I am the big man and these tasks are beneath me - you are the lowly woman, you do them."

A decent man would not behave in such disrespectful and misogynistic ways.

These are his responsibilities, they are not your sole job as the woman which he may sometimes stoop to "help" you with if only you would ask correctly. (But then somehow, coincidentally, there is no possible way you could ever ask that he would deem "correct" in order for him to "help" ).

You can't change him. This comes down to his core beliefs that it is acceptable to dump all this on you because he doesn't want to do any of it.

You are not doing anything wrong. (Except possibly in putting up with this shit or feeling you should put up with this shit).

There is nothing you could do to try and "manage" him differently that would achieve a different outcome. He believes these responsibilities are beneath him and he will continue to find ways to shirk them and blame you.

Do you have a husband or an extra child?

Honestly he's such a man child;you do stuff to make your family's life easier eg a chores rota;sticking to a meal planner which no doubts helps you stick to a budget etc and you try to keep the family finances on track etc but he's just thoughtless.

I'm betting he moved straight out of his mums house and in with you?