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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like DP is constantly sabotaging me

72 replies

UpToMyEye · 18/01/2022 08:53

I feel like me and DP are constantly on opposite teams and it always feels like no matter what I try to do to improve our lives he sabotages it - on purpose or not I’m not really sure

It’s just small things like;
I make a meal plan and shop accordingly - he eats the ingredients and I usually find out halfway through cooking
I make a cleaning schedule and write it up on the fridge whiteboard - he takes on jobs from it but just doesn’t do them
I’ll tidy a room - he uses it and leaves his shite everywhere
I come up with a routine for the kids - if I’m not there he actively ignores it
I make a budget - he buys things to pay monthly for or adds things onto his bills and doesn’t tell me, I usually find out once we’re overdrawn and I don’t know why

It’s just constant fighting against him in tiny ways, in all the big ways he’s fab and in the big ways he’s always on my team and very supportive - but small holes sink a big ship and all that
It’s really getting me down tbh

Any advice?

OP posts:
busyeatingbiscuits · 18/01/2022 09:38

He sounds like a nightmare. What is this man bringing to your life except stress and a wage?

So his job is to go to work.
Your job is to - care for your children, do all the housework, manage all the money/admin and do all the meal planning, shopping and cooking but also have enough food in that he can eat whatever he wants?

Sounds like he has a much better deal here. I'd love to just go to work but then have the rest of my life just happen around me without having to think about anything. Just come home and be fun parent with the kids.

Arnia · 18/01/2022 10:00

I thought the initial "leave him" comments were extreme but having read your updates I'm inclined to agree. You say he's great in the "big ways" - why are those? As I'm not seeing that at all from your other comments. He sounds really awful actually.

I'm not one for set routines/budgets and would find that a very constraining way to live but in your case it's clear you were trying to do all you could just to get him to participate in the basics! He sees it as your job. All of it. The domestic sphere has nothing to do with him. And him seeing the money as his is a huge red flag. You're married to a misogynist OP...

Arnia · 18/01/2022 10:00

*what are the big things?

Original poster
UpToMyEye · 18/01/2022 10:01

Hmm the last few answers are making me see that these are possibly bigger holes than I originally thought

@thenewduchessoflapland yes he did go straight from his Mum to me - I’m his new Mum aren’t I
I have actually said this to him before, that if he keeps making me be his Mum then eventually there will be zero attraction left and all I’ll be left with is resentment, so things change for a week or two, then we start the cycle again

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2022 10:02

He’s not actually on your team; he’s continually acting against your interests and acting like a teenager not your husband

Original poster
UpToMyEye · 18/01/2022 10:05

@Arnia the big things are just things like if I have a problem he will try to help, he’s always on my side in disagreements with others, we’ve been through a lot as a family recently, lots and lots of deaths and he quite physically held me up at points, those kind of big things, I do genuinely feel like he’s there for me if I need him no matter how unreasonable sometimes, even just things like he wakes me up with a brew every morning type things
It’s just the practical day to day running if a house and family that he clearly doesn’t see as being something that has anything to do with him

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/01/2022 10:09

When cooking is he around? Then if something you have bought is gone, down tools, tell him he’s sabotaged your meal plan so dinner is up to him and go for a walk. If you’ve just tidied the room throw his stuff into a bin bag and put it outside the back door. (My dh used to do this with a cleaned bare surface - I’ve just got everything away and he saw a fresh bare space … to dump stuff on! It doesn’t happen much now, possibly because I’m sure they could hear me screaming a street over.) etc etc. wherever possible, hand over and walk out.

inheritancetrack · 18/01/2022 10:25

It sounds as though you are taking in this so called mental load and planning and organising both of your lives, and then expecting him to follow 'your' plans...meals, cleaning and so on.

Sit down together and work this out together, leaving him to make suggestions and plans. He's much more likely to work with it if they are his or joint ideas.

And the shite everywhere you've just cleaned is a universal man thing and drives me crazy.

draramallama · 18/01/2022 10:30

I do genuinely feel like he’s there for me if I need him

But you need him every day in your family life and he isn't there for you.

You have been telling him for years that you need him to show up every day and he still isn't there for you.

I would actually say your examples of "big things" are the small things. They are emotionally charged but small, time limited and easy moments.

The stuff he is refusing to do is the big things - it's the stuff that forms the majority of your lives, the foundation. (Quite aside from the fact he should be doing it anyway, I'd expect someone supporting you through a bereavement to lift weight from your shoulders with the day to day stuff like sorting meals - not continue to leave it on you AND sabotage your efforts...)

It's fun and easy to be somebody's hero from time to time, but harder and more powerful to show up every day for the monotonous but important parts of life that don't bring glory or an ego boost.

MarnieMumma · 18/01/2022 10:39

This is my dh too! So frustrating as you try to involve them in planning but they just cba with it all. I feel your pain Flowers

Original poster
UpToMyEye · 18/01/2022 10:56

@draramallama that is interesting, I think you’re right and I may have been looking at this completely upside down
It’s almost like a Disney dad, but in Partner form 🤔

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 18/01/2022 11:12

The routine with the kids really resonates with me. I sat down and wrote DH a letter last year. I told him that leaving me to do all the thinking and planning and organising was bad enough, but the fact that he never ever stepped up to do reading or homework or make sure bed time happened on time was completely unfair (I work full time). It was quite good as I didn't get angry, frustrated or upset and DH didn't get defensive.

We haven't totally nailed it, but we're getting there. Could something like this work for you? You shouldn't have to do it, but frankly, at the rate you're going, your relationship is doomed, not least because no one wants to have sex with someone they have to parent.

Arnia · 18/01/2022 11:14

And the shite everywhere you've just cleaned is a universal man thing and drives me crazy.

It really isn't. It's a universal "shit man that women put up with" thing but it's not universal to all men at all.

Thunderandrain · 18/01/2022 11:17

OP, have a look at your DP as a whole person rather than these issues. What is his attention span like? Do you think he could have ADHD? Have a serious look at it.

You could actually be talking about my Dh here. He went to see a councillor over possible mild depression/stress and it was discovered he actually has ADHD - and really looking back all the way to his childhood its pretty evident there too. He is a very generous and loving person but his impulsiveness, disorganisation, fucking dreadful time management drove me to the point I wanted to leave because I needed him to be an adult. I was sick to death of having to micro manage him.

But know I can see that he does absolutely have ADHD and we are taking steps to work with it. Honestly if I had a tick sheet for ADHD symptoms he would tick every single one, I suggest you have a look at it before you write him off.

Arnia · 18/01/2022 11:21

It's fun and easy to be somebody's hero from time to time, but harder and more powerful to show up every day for the monotonous but important parts of life that don't bring glory or an ego boost.

I completely agree with drara these are not the big things at all. I had an ex partner exactly like this. Would bring me a cup of coffee in the mornings, or make me scrambled eggs on a Saturday and he thought he was the best thing since sliced bread since his father would never do anything like this for his mother. He literally used to say "you're so spoilt!" And he always wanted to swoop in and be the hero when there was a problem. Made him feel all manly and important being the problem solver. He was SHIT at all the day to day stuff though. He might throw me some scraps every now and then by randomly cleaning the kitchen or something but never with any consistency so you couldn't rely on it. It had to be done on his terms and he would make a big song and dance about it looking for praise. Completely sexist to his core. Luckily I realised it in time but I thought he was wonderful at the start so I get how easy it is to get sucked in.

Arnia · 18/01/2022 11:25

Out of interest what was his family dynamic growing up? Did his father do anything around the house? I'm guessing not?

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/01/2022 11:28

What does he say if you pick him up on it?

Your halfway through cooking something and you say 'why have you used the mince, you know we're having shepherds pie tonight? What does he say?

TellMeItsPossible · 18/01/2022 11:28

Oh ffs, the ADHD thing gets trotted out every time on a thread about a terrible partner. Hmm

Thunderandrain · 18/01/2022 11:30

@TellMeItsPossible

Oh ffs, the ADHD thing gets trotted out every time on a thread about a terrible partner. Hmm
Really? I have never seen it once tbh. Plenty of LTBs as usual though.
TellMeItsPossible · 18/01/2022 11:31

Yes, almost as often as "does he have asd".

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 18/01/2022 11:33

Listen to Attila! Attila is very wise. I used a lot of Attila’s wise words on other threads to help me end an abusive relationship. It all started with reading Attila’s comments a couple of years ago. It took me a long time but I eventually managed to end things.
You deserve more than this in your life. You are worth more. I did the whole ‘I feel like your mother’ thing and he just gave me a load of BS to placate me. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I was with him for 25 years. I’m not happy to admit it took over 12 years to actually end it because he was such an effective Hoover and I had no self worth. Don’t be like me.

Arnia · 18/01/2022 11:34

Yes the ADHD is pretty much always trotted out. Of course it's a viable reason for these things but in OPs case her husband isn't trying and failing - he's simply not trying. Says these things "aren't on his radar" I.e it's not that he's getting overwhelmed with his lack of executive functioning skills - he simply doesn't see it as his responsibility. He's a typical sexist Neanderthal, tale as old as time!

TellMeItsPossible · 18/01/2022 11:38

@Arnia

Yes the ADHD is pretty much always trotted out. Of course it's a viable reason for these things but in OPs case her husband isn't trying and failing - he's simply not trying. Says these things "aren't on his radar" I.e it's not that he's getting overwhelmed with his lack of executive functioning skills - he simply doesn't see it as his responsibility. He's a typical sexist Neanderthal, tale as old as time!
Quite.

Fwiw I actually do have adhd and manage to not be an arsehole to my (female) partner.

Palavah · 18/01/2022 11:40

These sound like quite big things.

You need to tell him how his actions impact you and how that makes him feel.

His response to that will tell you whether it's worth staying to work through this.

On the plans, he can either way 'whatever you think' AND then stick to your plan, or he can take equal reponsibility for those plans. He doesn't get to eat the ingredients without making an alternative plan for the meal and getting it on the table. He doesn't get to say 'whatever you think' and then screw the budget.

Do you rent or own? In whose name is the tenancy/deeds?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2022 11:47

He knows how the OP feels here and he simply does not care or care enough. He only cares for his own self and you've chosen to bail him out financially before now. Its a really crap example of a relationship to be showing your children.

I would also think he does not say, "things are not on his radar" at work..

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