Page 3 | Feel like DP is constantly sabotaging me

UpToMyEye · 2022-01-18T08:53:20+00:00

I feel like me and DP are constantly on opposite teams and it always feels like no matter what I try to do to improve our lives he sabotages it - on purpose or not I’m not really sure It’s just small things like; I make a meal plan and shop accordingly - he eats the ingredients and I usually find out halfway through cooking I make a cleaning schedule and write it up on the fridge whiteboard - he takes on jobs from it but just doesn’t do them I’ll tidy a room - he uses it and leaves his shite everywhere I come up with a routine for the kids - if I’m not there he actively ignores it I make a budget - he buys things to pay monthly for or adds things onto his bills and doesn’t tell me, I usually find out once we’re overdrawn and I don’t know why It’s just constant fighting ^against^ him in tiny ways, in all the big ways he’s fab and in the big ways he’s always on my team and very supportive - but small holes sink a big ship and all that It’s really getting me down tbh Any advice?

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 18/01/2022 11:49

@Arnia

Yes the ADHD is pretty much always trotted out. Of course it's a viable reason for these things but in OPs case her husband isn't trying and failing - he's simply not trying. Says these things "aren't on his radar" I.e it's not that he's getting overwhelmed with his lack of executive functioning skills - he simply doesn't see it as his responsibility. He's a typical sexist Neanderthal, tale as old as time!

My son has ADHD and he has decided that I have it too! The more I look into it, the more I think he’s right. I have always struggled with executive functioning, however, my ex would just make me feel bad about it and every now and then swoop in like a hero to cook a dinner or clean the kitchen. I’m actually so much better at it since he left and I don’t have his mess to contend with too!

MsMeNz · 18/01/2022 11:49

He's a man child and you are his wife mum 🤷 he won't change so either decide to live with it and work around his childlikeness or leave I guess

draramallama · 18/01/2022 11:52

Disney Partner, yes, exactly that. Lacks the punchy alliteration of Disney Dad(!), but a very good descriptor for his behaviour.

mewkins · 18/01/2022 14:43

@MsMeNz

He's a man child and you are his wife mum 🤷 he won't change so either decide to live with it and work around his childlikeness or leave I guess

This is spot on. He does this because he is acting like a child. He doesn't give a shit about your plans, budgeting or keeping the household functioning. That's grown up stuff and that's for you to handle.

LittleMissTake · 18/01/2022 15:03

He sounds like a few men I’ve known.
The ‘don’t take life too seriously’ Peter Pan type.
He wants to live in the moment without plans and deadlines. Eat when feels like it, but what he wants etc. Clean only when there are no clean dishes left.

That’s ok when you’re single but it’s a totally unacceptable approach to family life as you quite rightly find.

He needs to grow up. But I don’t think he will. I also don’t think you’re compatible OP.

Time to get ducks in a row

Wreath21 · 18/01/2022 15:24

This man is abusive. Sorry, but he is. You're his servant. He can outwait and resist every attempt by you to get him to pull his weight, do his fair share and treat you with respect, because you are his servant and he probably tells you, every now and again, that you shouldn't criticise or complain because he doesn't hit you or have/seek sex with anyone else - as though that's the only thing a woman has any right to complain about.

violetbunny · 18/01/2022 15:25

From your replies, it sounds like he fundamentally believes that his job is to earn the money (and keep it!) and your job is to facilitate his life and any practical responsibilities towards running the house and raising children.
He is telling you this through his actions. His sabotage of your domestic plans is deliberate.

Quite honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me, and I would be telling him in no uncertain terms to shape up or ship out. The way things are now, it sounds like you would be better off going things alone. At least you wouldn't have the mental anguish caused by this manchild not pulling his own weight.

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 18/01/2022 17:03

@Wreath21

This man is abusive. Sorry, but he is. You're his servant. He can outwait and resist every attempt by you to get him to pull his weight, do his fair share and treat you with respect, because you are his servant and he probably tells you, every now and again, that you shouldn't criticise or complain because he doesn't hit you or have/seek sex with anyone else - as though that's the only thing a woman has any right to complain about.

Have you met my ex? 🤔

NowEvenBetter · 18/01/2022 20:03

Christ, what a deadbeat. Are you not angry at being treated with utter contempt? He’s just a boyfriend-no legal protections and he’s certainly not a ‘partner’ (meaningless word anyway). Imagine how much better your life will be when you dump him. At the minute you’re both giving your kids a disgraceful example of what’s ‘normal’

Neveragain85 · 18/01/2022 21:14

He sounds a bit passive aggressive in his actions. My ex used to do this, he's never disagree with me but would deliberately do the opposite thing if I asked him to do something for me or the kids. Drove me nuts

Pumpinthestereo · 18/01/2022 21:33

When I first saw your OP, I thought one of my old ones from years ago had resurfaced! I'm sure I've written atleast one with the same title.

Mine is the same.
I used to think he had a personality disorder called 'oppositional demand avoidance.' It manifests in many aspects of his life- even down to going to bed later on an evening where he needs to be in bed earlier.

I feel I'm a few years down the line from you and I can say that all my love for him has wore away. I eventually gave up patching up the small holes in this ship. I have lived a separate life from him for the last 2 years whilst getting my ducks in a row to leave.

In my case, he isn't on my team in big ways- he puts me down infront of friends and family and calls it 'banter,' disagrees with everything I say so that I never feel heard or validated. I often think I hate him. We went to relationship counselling but he refused to continue when changes were required of him.

Mine helps me in other ways- he fixes my car at the drop of a hat, sorts out my finances when I need it, made me some planters in the summer. But all of those things are for him too- they bolster his ego a bit- he likes to say "I fixed that" "I made that" but there is no praise for ordering the online shop on time, for not leaving the sink rotting with food after washing up, or for ignoring that it's way past the kids' bed time on a school night.

The small holes drag you down in time. It's whether the big acts of help serve as a sail for you.

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/01/2022 22:01

@UpToMyEye

Hmm the last few answers are making me see that these are possibly bigger holes than I originally thought

@thenewduchessoflapland yes he did go straight from his Mum to me - I’m his new Mum aren’t I
I have actually said this to him before, that if he keeps making me be his Mum then eventually there will be zero attraction left and all I’ll be left with is resentment, so things change for a week or two, then we start the cycle again

You can literally go through threads on here and spot the men who have gone straight from their mums houses to their GF's/partners/wife's house.

I have one such annoying man child who after 20 years is only just starting to grow up and very slowly taking responsibility for himself;I stopped doing his washing in protest during lockdown and he actually started doing it himself.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/01/2022 22:24

@draramallama

Disney Partner, yes, exactly that. Lacks the punchy alliteration of Disney Dad(!), but a very good descriptor for his behaviour.

Performative Partner has a ring to it...

Arnia · 19/01/2022 00:31

I have one such annoying man child who after 20 years is only just starting to grow up and very slowly taking responsibility for himself;I stopped doing his washing in protest during lockdown and he actually started doing it himself.

But why were you doing his washing for twenty bloody years?! 😱

oishutup · 19/01/2022 04:44

Sounds like my husband. He refused to engage in daily life and subtly (and not so subtly) undermined me until every day was a daily grind.
I tried everything - lists, strategies, asking nicely, begging him to get involved and help, not cooking for him, stopping doing anything for him etc etc.

We did marriage counselling but he didn't change from week to week and used to actively sabotage my attempts so I stopped.

I told him I wanted to separate and meant it 100%. He then took it all seriously, realised what he was (subconsciously?) doing, and did an absolute ton of therapy by himself & he is now a true partner. He had a lot of unprocessed anger buried from his childhood and was basically taking it out on me.

So it is possible for people to change but I was a saint (fool?) for putting up with his shit for so long. Honestly, the only thing that actually worked was telling him it was over and meaning it.

litterbird · 19/01/2022 04:59

I think you already know you have just replaced his mum. He came straight to you. Stop with all the lists. Stop doing all the mum duties for him and step up as an independent wife who’s husband will have to step up and do all his own washing, cleaning and cooking. You will drown with resentment if you don’t claim back who you are. You are not his mum.

Spreadingtheword · 19/01/2022 05:10

This echo’s how me and my DP were for the first couple years living together and first year of DD’s life. It’s much better now but it took a long time and lots of arguments that then turned into discussions that them turned into supporting or reminding each other that were a team and we have to be on the same page when it comes to certain aspects of our home life. There are still things we either need to work on or have just laid to rest as indifferences. Cleaning and tidying we both do very differently and annoy each other. But as long as it gets done is the mentality now!
Children’s routine, DP like yours will not be consistent with me, it’s better now but only if I’m in the house he will try, if I’m out.. I’ll check the monitor 2 hours after bedtime and she’s still not been taken to bed. Infuriating but we’re working on it.

The eating ingredients used for cooking would infuriate me though. You might have to treat him like a child in that case OP and get him a little ‘treat’ basket in the fridge and/or cupboard with some extra snacks just for him. If he strays outside the snack basket you might have to sit him on a naughty step.

YourenutsmiLord · 19/01/2022 05:14

Could you go back to work? Change the dynamic.
Could you speak to a solicitor to see how separating would look. Knowing it is possible would make your discussions more forceful.

coodawoodashooda · 19/01/2022 05:16

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Leave him. It doesn't get better I know from experience. He doesn't consider you a team, he considers you as someone he has to beat. I'm sorry.

Snap. That's how it begins. It's a hell. Excellent post. I'm sorry too.

coodawoodashooda · 19/01/2022 05:17

@DoubleYolker

Good grief, no need to leave because of this, sounds like you are a good team in other ways and this can be worked on.

Do you work out these plans as a team? It sounds like you may be making plans without him, and he’s not buying into them, but doesn’t want to tell you this to avoid confrontation. I also like to make plans and control the situation, but sometimes have to accept my husband feels differently. I like kids to be in bed at a set time, he’s not so bothered so when I’m not there, he does his own thing, no harm done.

I would find eating ingredients very annoying, but he may be unaware. Could food for your meal plans to put in a different storage area so he knows that these are not to be touched?

The innocence of a life before domestic abuse.

coodawoodashooda · 19/01/2022 05:19

@oishutup

Sounds like my husband. He refused to engage in daily life and subtly (and not so subtly) undermined me until every day was a daily grind. I tried everything - lists, strategies, asking nicely, begging him to get involved and help, not cooking for him, stopping doing anything for him etc etc.

We did marriage counselling but he didn't change from week to week and used to actively sabotage my attempts so I stopped.

I told him I wanted to separate and meant it 100%. He then took it all seriously, realised what he was (subconsciously?) doing, and did an absolute ton of therapy by himself & he is now a true partner. He had a lot of unprocessed anger buried from his childhood and was basically taking it out on me.

So it is possible for people to change but I was a saint (fool?) for putting up with his shit for so long. Honestly, the only thing that actually worked was telling him it was over and meaning it.

That so positive. Good on you.

Pumpinthestereo · 19/01/2022 08:18

"He had a lot of unprocessed anger buried from his childhood and was basically taking it out on me.".
I suspect this is what is going on with my DH too @oishutup as on our last family holiday, he became incredibly sabotaging. Everything had to be booked in advance as we were staying on a holiday park. By advance, I mean a day or 2. He couldn't deal with having to plan ahead, but we had to. He started making it difficult for us to get anywhere on time, was "not bovvered" about anything, wouldn't make any decisions. Became a total sabotaging black cloud. It was awful for me. He then told me that his father had been very controlling on holidays growing up and that it spoilt the fun for him. That's when I realised that he was taking all his anger towards his father out on me.
We tried relationship counselling but she suggested that individual therapy was needed for him alone.
He refused.