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Original poster

Unrequited love rant

54 replies

TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 19:59

Name changed.

Ok so I know already what all the answers are (time and space etc) but I can't do it so I just need to rant and hear whether anyone else has managed to get past this.

I met a man online just over a year ago during lockdown and we hit it off immediately. In my profile I said that I was looking for friends as well as potential partners and he told me early on that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me and only saw us as friends. I was fine with that. I enjoyed the distraction of endless WFH and we got on well (phone and email) and had great rapport and conversation.

From the moment we were able to actually meet in person (after lockdown) I found him physically attractive but kept a handle on it as we had established a firm friendship by then, and to-date I have never let him know as I know he doesn't want more.

Over the course of the last year our friendship has gone from strength to strength and we have become confidantes. He has no other friends in the town we live in as he'd been in a long distance relationship up until shortly before the pandemic (travelling to see her every weekend) so had just not made friends locally. He depends on my friendship more than I do on his as I have other friends.

Herein lies the problem; in the last couple of months I've developed very strong feelings for him. I don't want to have these feelings as even if they were returned (which I doubt) I feel that I have more to lose (a solid friendship that I really value) than I would have to gain (what I suspect would end up being a short lived fling). I know that I just have to ride out these feelings and push them aside, but I can't stop thinking about him and it's impacting my work and my sleep. When I hear from him (phone/text) I feel calm, and the times in between normally no more than 48 hours I feel lost and on edge. Even writing this down I can see how pathetic this sounds. I don't want to distance myself from him as that will alert him to my feelings (he has no idea how I feel, I'm quite a good actress) and I don't want to not have contact with him. I feel intoxicated by his friendship (god I sound pathetic).

Please don't tell me to cut contact with him, I just want to hear whether anyone else has done anything that works. I am still on online dating and I go on dates regularly (a couple of times a week) but haven't met anyone that I fancy. I'm 51 in case it's relevant (I know this makes me sound like a child Grin).

OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:22

Anyone?

OP posts:
AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 20:34

Do you think your feelings for him are holding you back in dating?

Maybejustmaybe2022 · 17/01/2022 20:34

Say to him casually when you’re together in person something like “if only relationships were as easy as our friendship” and leave it hanging. Move on but let it land. Sew the seed but don’t act. See if he acts.

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 20:37

Does he date? Does he have any interest in women?

Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:42

@AlwaysinaFlap on the contrary, my feelings for him are making me date more in the hope that someone else will distract me. He does date too but not as much as I do. He's a naturally introverted person and quite self contained, though I know that he does want to find his one big love.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:44

@Maybejustmaybe2022 we talk about relationship a lot and I've often referenced the benefit of 'slow burn' developing relationships. His pattern of dating is to quickly come to a conclusion of whether he is interested in someone and then move on.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 17/01/2022 20:46

This sounds masochistic.

He is able to quickly judge whether he wants a relationship.

He's said he doesn't with you.

I'm genuinely confused what good this is doing you?

It's your life and no one is getting hurt but you.

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 20:47

Is he a similar age and has he been married before?

Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:49

@Yummypumpkin I know it sounds masochistic. The good it's doing me is that he is genuinely good company and has been a good friend to me (and a great listener when I've had issues with DS).

OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:49

@AlwaysinaFlap yes he's the same age, never married, no children.

OP posts:
AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 20:54

[quote TooOldForButterflies]@AlwaysinaFlap yes he's the same age, never married, no children.[/quote]
Ah yes this is what I was thinking. He has never had to compromise. TBH I would just keep him as a friend and definitely knock the other thing on the head. I suspect he's seeking his idea of perfect partner but he's made that clear to you that it's not you. Sorry.

LightSpeeds · 17/01/2022 20:58

If it was me, I'd end the friendship and be honest and tell him it's because I had more feelings for him than 'just friends' and the whole thing wasn't healthy (which it isn't). It sounds like torture.

You say "he is genuinely good company and has been a good friend to me" but surely you could find that elsewhere?

Many years ago, I fell in love with a guy I worked with, we had a few dates and then he didn't want to carry on. I had to sit next to him every day at work, still in love with him, until one of us left. I don't know how I managed to, but I did Blush.

Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 20:59

Yes that is definitely the case (never had to compromise). To be clear - he hasn't done anything wrong. He made it clear from the start that he was only looking for friendship I just need to figure out how to get past this without changing the dynamic of our friendship (which is genuinely lovely). Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 21:00

@LightSpeeds

If it was me, I'd end the friendship and be honest and tell him it's because I had more feelings for him than 'just friends' and the whole thing wasn't healthy (which it isn't). It sounds like torture.

You say "he is genuinely good company and has been a good friend to me" but surely you could find that elsewhere?

Many years ago, I fell in love with a guy I worked with, we had a few dates and then he didn't want to carry on. I had to sit next to him every day at work, still in love with him, until one of us left. I don't know how I managed to, but I did Blush.

To be honest - the thought of ending it feels more painful that the thought of dealing with these feelings in the hope that they'll pass (they will eventually I know).
OP posts:
Jacketpotato84 · 17/01/2022 21:11

Get under one to get over one

todaysdilemma · 17/01/2022 21:20

Oh OP, I know you don't want to hear this, but the situation you want 'a long lasting friendship' will not happen. Because at some point he will meet someone to have a relationship with, and the friendship will not be a priority anymore. In the meantime, you won't fall for anyone you date because they won't match up to the feelings you have for him, and most decent/emotionally available men will pick up on your emotional unavailability. And the more crap men you then encounter, the more your feelings for him will grow, because in comparison he'll seem perfect.

There's a reason friendships only work with zero attraction and feelings - because when these are in the mix it will always carry the significance and emotion of a relationship for ONE person only. That person is you, and you are only hurting yourself. What you want isn't friendship, what you want is a man who is entirely focused on you, who understands you, gives you time, attention and cares for you - and you want that forever. But you will only get that from him until such point he meets someone he falls in love with. And so you need to find an equal romantic partner who can meet those needs rather than focusing on this 'friend'. As long as you are this close to him, you won't be able to open your heart to anyone else.

For your sake, take space, and only re-engage when the feelings have completely subsided, however long it may take.

NextChristmas · 17/01/2022 21:31

I had something similar without me being in love with the guy. We we very close, no romance at all but we were each other's "go to". I coupled up with my now dh and nothing changed. He then got a girlfriend and ditched me! I was very hurt at the time. He's apologised since but the damage was done. I agree with pps saying he'll end the friendship when he gets a girlfriend

Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 21:50

@todaysdilemma

Oh OP, I know you don't want to hear this, but the situation you want 'a long lasting friendship' will not happen. Because at some point he will meet someone to have a relationship with, and the friendship will not be a priority anymore. In the meantime, you won't fall for anyone you date because they won't match up to the feelings you have for him, and most decent/emotionally available men will pick up on your emotional unavailability. And the more crap men you then encounter, the more your feelings for him will grow, because in comparison he'll seem perfect.

There's a reason friendships only work with zero attraction and feelings - because when these are in the mix it will always carry the significance and emotion of a relationship for ONE person only. That person is you, and you are only hurting yourself. What you want isn't friendship, what you want is a man who is entirely focused on you, who understands you, gives you time, attention and cares for you - and you want that forever. But you will only get that from him until such point he meets someone he falls in love with. And so you need to find an equal romantic partner who can meet those needs rather than focusing on this 'friend'. As long as you are this close to him, you won't be able to open your heart to anyone else.

For your sake, take space, and only re-engage when the feelings have completely subsided, however long it may take.

You're right, I don't want to hear this but you're talking sense. The dates I'm going on (while objectively speaking definitely aren't right for me) don't have a hope in hell because they don't match up to the closeness and companionship I have with him. The problem is that the only way I can pull back is by coming clean about how I feel which I really don't want to do.
OP posts:
Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 21:53

@Jacketpotato84

Get under one to get over one
Trust me I'm trying but the dating pool is pretty poor.
OP posts:
Mischance · 17/01/2022 21:58

Maybe he is holding back too - how would you know, any more than he would?

I think you have nothing to lose by being open about your feelings - OK you risk losing what you have, but to be honest what you have is based on dishonesty and that is not ideal.

supercali77 · 17/01/2022 21:58

Im afraid you won't find the magic cure, there's no other way than cutting contact or saying how you feel. As others have said he'll eventually meet someone and it will be much much harder on you then. You won't easily meet someone while you stay attached to this faux relationship. Hiding your feelings and never having them returned is a kind of masochism and unfair on both of you. Have courage and pick a course of action. Noone has years to waste on unrequited love when you could be getting lots of requited love elsewhere.

Burnmac · 17/01/2022 22:08

Having been there, detach as best you can. The longer it goes on the agony will only increase.
I believe there are few people in life we will feel this depth of emotion for, and when you do it can be all consuming. I have only ever had this for one person and it took me a long time (years) to be at peace with it (he wasn't available but I feel he was absolutely perfect for me and the most incredible person). In hindsight I wish I had got myself out of the situation a lot sooner than I did.

Yummypumpkin · 17/01/2022 22:13

OP:

"The problem is that the only way I can pull back is by coming clean about how I feel which I really don't want to do."

That's really interesting though. Sounds like you think you owe him an in on your inner world?

You can pull back without a narrative.

And FWIW as most guys think you're into them even when you're not...I'd be surprised if he didn't have an inkling.

Original poster
TooOldForButterflies · 17/01/2022 22:24

@Yummypumpkin

OP:

"The problem is that the only way I can pull back is by coming clean about how I feel which I really don't want to do."

That's really interesting though. Sounds like you think you owe him an in on your inner world?

You can pull back without a narrative.

And FWIW as most guys think you're into them even when you're not...I'd be surprised if he didn't have an inkling.

I do feel like I owe him. We have a genuine co-supportive friendship and he has told me how much he values it. He doesn't have any other friends where we live so I would feel like I was abandoning him (and yes, I know he's not my responsibility).
OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 17/01/2022 23:40

I think he is likely to know at some level that you have some feelings for him. And you don't need to bare your soul or make a grand declaration.

Just say that you are worried you are getting too emotionally dependent on the friendship, but realise this isn't healthy or sustainable, so need to take a step back and focus on meeting people you can date romantically. He's smart enough to figure out what that means but neither of you have to talk about it or acknowledge it. So no awkwardness. And it gives him time to figure out whether he does want to pursue you or not.

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