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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God, I’m sick to death of both husband and son

66 replies

Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 00:37

My son doesn’t sleep. Three times I have been teased with him sleeping really well for 4-5 nights and I think we’ve turned a corner and then reverts to type.

I cannot talk about this with DH. He just brushes me off with the same phrases - that it’s normal (it isn’t) that DS might be in pain (DH is fucking obsessed with teething and keeps shoving teething gel on him) and that ‘we will get bad nights’ - well that would be fine if it was a bad night but every night is ‘bad’ just about.

I’ve reached the end of my rope and told him that if he won’t discuss sleep training then he can take responsibility for all the night wakes.

Im really furious with the pair of them and I know im being unreasonable but I feel as if they are both trying to spite me.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 17/01/2022 00:41

How old is your son?

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 00:42

14 months and driving me absolutely do bloody lally.

I do love him, I really do, but over a year of no sleep is really taking its toll Sad

OP posts:
Wreath21 · 17/01/2022 00:44

Is your H doing any of the night duty? Or are you the one who'se supposed to just accept the sleep deprivation because your H is 'working' all week?

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 00:46

I work all week too.

I do nights usually because DH sleeps like the living dead but DS would end up co sleeping with us / me. I decided to knock this on the head this year because it was awful, I hated it. I felt completely suffocated by him. We had four good nights where he woke twice but went back to sleep (believe me for DS this is nothing short of a miracle) but then reverts.

The problem is I can’t get any sort of action plan or combined efforts with DH. You just can’t talk to him. I find it really frustrating.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 17/01/2022 01:00

Can DH sleep with DS and you sleep in another room?

Ozanj · 17/01/2022 01:02

If it’s really pain due to teething then Calpol before bedtime will sort it. I assume you’ve tried that and so if it didn’t work then it’s probably something else. Do you use white noise? Are you keeping appropriate sleep hygiene - ie dark room / no screens for 3 hours before bed / set bedtime routine and set bed time? How much fresh air and exercise does he get? Some kids need a lot more than others - eg my DS won’t sleep unless he’s been running around like a maniac for 2-3 hours per day with some of it outside.

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 01:02

No - I really want to break the habit of co sleeping.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 17/01/2022 01:08

There is a reason sleep deprivation is classified as a torture and it can genuinely effect every action and thought.
Most of us have been here and it does work out for the majority.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 17/01/2022 01:08

Does your ds sleep ok when you do co-sleep, or does it not make a difference?

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 01:12

He still wakes up but will go down which he won’t always in the cot.

However he kicks, windmills his arms, grabs your face, hair and ears then eventually when he’s settled down nuzzles right into you to sleep which is very cute in a way but means you literally can’t move. Try to edge away and the whole thing starts again.

So he’s sleeping in his cot. He has to - I really was starting to dread night times.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 17/01/2022 01:13

We did do some co sleeping just to get the sleep for a few months. Not ideal but anything to get some sleep. But it generally has to be shared getting up etc so you can take it in turns in getting a full night. Whoever is getting the full night needs to be on their own and left to completely sleep
Also sleep earlier, weekends etc. Basically every opportunity to prioritize sleep.
At 14 months, if you are in a position to do it, a night away on your own will help recharge.

ClareBlue · 17/01/2022 01:17

In-built spirit level...
Sound asleep smuggled upright
Wide awake screaming as soon as slightly tipped off vertical towards a cot

MrsPsmalls · 17/01/2022 01:18

Start sleep training if you want to.Just do it. Nothing to do with DH plus if he sleeps like the living dead, he won't even notice.

1forAll74 · 17/01/2022 01:25

You can sleep train a child if you stick with it,and get some routine. I would never co-sleep with a child,, as they just get used to it, which causes more problems later.

Rangoon · 17/01/2022 01:48

I feel for you. I had mine sleeping a decent chunk of hours at 6 weeks and 8 weeks and they were the longest weeks of my life. I was roundly abused when I shared my methods on mumsnet though because apparently not having decent sleep for years on end was a sign that you really love your child. The fact that I mentioned that they were off at university and seemingly not troubled by their learning to settle at a young age was also criticised because apparently they could have been traumatised.

Your child needs to learn to self-settle. At 14 months he can tank up on enough milk or food before bed to last him through the night. Since your DH is totally useless, and you do the night shift with the baby you should crack on with the sleep training. If it disturbs your DH unduly, hand him the baby and tell him to crack on.

One of my children was a bit difficult with teething. As for the other one, he once yawned in front of us and we saw a whole lot of teeth. We'd never realised he was even teething and I was whisking him off to the bathroom for his first toothbrushing.

To spur you on, my boss had a child slightly after I had my second child. His wife wouldn't consider sleep training. They had several years of this. She fell asleep at the wheel of her car and drove into a brick wall. Very luckily, she had relatively minor injuries and the baby in the back was not hurt. My colleague said that there was no way that they were carrying on like that and said they were sleep training that week - it was apparently an unpleasant week but at the end of it they had a child who could self-settle and a mother who was not falling asleep at the wheel.

Best of luck Flowers

Maray1967 · 17/01/2022 08:38

I agree with Rangoon. We had to sleep train DS1 at 18 months as I went away for a conference and he must have thought I’d left and wouldn’t let DH out of his sight. Our good sleeper turned into a toddler who demanded us be in the room until he fell asleep. After a few weeks I’d had enough. It took 3 nights. Night 1 - he got up in the cot at least 30 times but one of us went and put him back down every few minutes. No cuddling , just a firm pick up and put down and shush shush. We did it together with drinks and snacks on a tray and we sat on the stairs. Night 2 - less bad. Night 3 - he got up only a few times. Night 4 - he settled himself to sleep.
He’s 21 now and fell about laughing when I asked him whether he was traumatised by it.
There is a big difference between going in every 2 or 3 minutes and leaving them for ages until they’re hysterical or vomiting.
But even if vomiting, I would clean up and then carry on with it, I would not give in. The price you pay for letting them demand that you stay with them or come in your bed is poor sleep and being unable to get through the day properly.
DS2 did often get in our bed when he was older 3-4- but he was so stealthy at doing it I usually didn’t even know he was there until the morning!

Iggly · 17/01/2022 08:40

If Co sleeping gets you sleep, then do it. Just to get some sleep. That’s the priority.

He won’t be sleeping with you forever!

Porcupineintherough · 17/01/2022 08:46

The OP doesnt want to cosleep Iggly and that's ok, it's not for everybody.

Purplewithred · 17/01/2022 08:48

I had broken nights for 3 years with DS and couldn’t face it again when DD looked like she was going the same way, so I invested a fortnight in sleep training her when she was about a year old.

Actually took 5 nights and I cannot tell you how much difference it made. She has no recollection of it and is a fabulous person now if I say so myself.

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 08:50

I’m thinking I’m going to have to do CIO Sad nothing else has worked. Feels a bit shit though.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 17/01/2022 08:55

I feel for you OP sleep deprivation is just awful. I remember the point where it took over our whole lives and was all we could talk about. He seems to like a cuddle, does he have a teddy, special blanket ir comforter? Also second white noise as someone else mentioned . We did sleep train and it worked by about night 3! It helps if you can identify why they are waking (although appreciate this may not be possible). In our case it was to do with losing a dummy so they were waking every 45 minutes.

trickytimes · 17/01/2022 08:57

Get a night nanny sleep expert for a weeks respite. My friend is trained in this and yea it’s expensive but it’s worth it. She goes in to situations like this and sorts it out. She had one who was like this and it was a dairy allergy. She changed the kids milk and he immediately started sleeping through. The point is get an expert in to assess before doing CIO. If he’s struggling with something then CIO won’t work anyway.

Original poster
Secondnightblue · 17/01/2022 09:01

I’ve no idea why he’s waking, and that is frustrating, he’s clean, dry, doesn’t want milk, it isn’t the dummy … I’m stumped.

The second I get that lottery win I’ll invest in a night nanny and a day one too for that matter but until that happens I am stuck with it!

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 17/01/2022 09:02

@MrsPsmalls

Start sleep training if you want to.Just do it. Nothing to do with DH plus if he sleeps like the living dead, he won't even notice.
This ^^

You say DH sleeps like the living dead, so it doesn't matter what he thinks about it. Just do it.

NoSquirrels · 17/01/2022 09:07

I’ve reached the end of my rope and told him that if he won’t discuss sleep training then he can take responsibility for all the night wakes.

Sounds not in the least bit unreasonable to me.

And if you’re not there he won’t sleep like the dead, because he’ll be on duty.

Or he will sleep like the dead, DS will CIO and be sleep-trained and you won’t have to do it.

Book a Travelodge for the weekend.