God, I’m sick to death of both husband and son

[Secondnightblue]

My son doesn’t sleep. Three times I have been teased with him sleeping really well for 4-5 nights and I think we’ve turned a corner and then reverts to type.

I cannot talk about this with DH. He just brushes me off with the same phrases - that it’s normal (it isn’t) that DS might be in pain (DH is fucking obsessed with teething and keeps shoving teething gel on him) and that ‘we will get bad nights’ - well that would be fine if it was a bad night but every night is ‘bad’ just about.

I’ve reached the end of my rope and told him that if he won’t discuss sleep training then he can take responsibility for all the night wakes.

Im really furious with the pair of them and I know im being unreasonable but I feel as if they are both trying to spite me.

You say DH sleeps like the living dead, so it doesn't matter what he thinks about it. Just do it.
I think this is your best option, practically speaking. Your DH is being a shit though. Why is he not listening and taking on board your unhappiness?

I would do cry it out.

I don't blame you for being furious, sleep deprivation is horrible and your DH is doing nothing to help but insisting nothing should be done to change the situation either.

In your shoes I'd sleep train, and get DH to do it. If he won't then every time DS wakes, DH deals with it (even if you have to wake him yourself and boot him out of bed). This happens in DS room, not yours.

100% if your DH had to wake as much as you, he'd be looking for a solution within a week. He's not being a team player.

@Secondnightblue

I’ve no idea why he’s waking, and that is frustrating, he’s clean, dry, doesn’t want milk, it isn’t the dummy … I’m stumped.

The second I get that lottery win I’ll invest in a night nanny and a day one too for that matter but until that happens I am stuck with it!

He wants attention and wants you with him - that's why.

Ps I sleep much more deeply than DH. But knowing I was responsible for DC meant I woke when they did, whereas I wouldn't for the odd drunk person in the street or motorbike going past etc, like DH. I'd sleep through a foghorn but wake when my kids wail in the room next door.

It's more about subconsciously knowing the kids are your job than depth of sleep. DH thinks night waking is on you so he stays asleep.

Does he go to sleep with you there? If he falls asleep in your arms then wakes in his cot, he'll wonder where you are and think something is wrong. Getting him used to falling asleep without you and being ok with being in his cot will help.

Rule out being cold as a problem too.

It's more about subconsciously knowing the kids are your job than depth of sleep. DH thinks night waking is on you so he stays asleep.

100%.

If you’re not there as the default parent your husband would wake up.

I would go to a travelodge and get a good night sleep before you consider sleep training. Your DH sleeps like the living dead because he knows that you will get up with the baby. My DH is the deepest sleeper in the world but when I am on nightshift (2x a week) he barely sleeps because he is aware that he is the one who needs to be there for the kids.

Its win win, you get a nice night sleep in clean sheets, id book a breakfast too because I love hotel breakfasts, DH learns the sleep situation is not sustainable and agrees to sleep train.

Separate the guilt from sleeping/sleep training. I've done all manner of things with my 2 DS (cosleeping, controlled crying, leaving to settle etc etc etc) and they are still just as obsessed with me. It doesn't make you any better or worse of parent because you have recognised your sleep situation is unsustainable and want to do something to change that.

Also, you don't need to agree it. Just do it.

Boot your DH awake. Every time.

For what it’s worth, sleep training doesn’t necessarily have to be cry it out. I did the little ones app (albeit when mine was a bit younger) and it made a massive, massive difference

My child was a bad sleeper too, something that worked was to have DH sleeping on the floor next to him on a pull out mattress. If he woke up in his cot/bed, and wouldn’t go back to sleep in it, he slept on the mattress too.
It worked, everyone got some sleep. You can alternate with DH different nights to make it feel fairer.
Eventually your child will sleep by themselves, you can’t ‘teach’ them to self settle, it just happens when they’re ready (crying themselves to sleep cos theyre so exhausted isnt really the same). Mine learned around 2.5 to do this naturally, other kids might learn younger.

The Cry It Out method imo is not ok, why would I leave my child upset and crying thinking no one is coming?

If you’re totally set on not taking turns co-sleeping then my plan would be:
Take a week off work.
Spend as much as possible of your downtime in his bedroom to get him used to being in there a lot. Make it fun time rather than just sleep time. This will be difficult as it means sacrificing a lot of time for yourself (tv etc) but gets him used to being in the room and less scared if he wakes. Do not let him into your bedroom for any purpose, even to get dressed etc. Do it all in the bathroom if you have to.
Invest in a decent camp bed and taking it in turns with your DH sleep on his floor, with him in the cot next to you for a few nights. Once you know he is sleeping through progress to laying on it until he falls deeply asleep and leave the room. If he wakes, return and don’t talk to him but just get into the camp bed. Then leave the camp bed there but sit in the doorway instead. Keep going until you can actually leave the room but leave the camp bed up and ready incase you need it for a few weeks.
As a PP said, also rule out him being cold. Find pyjamas with feet on them and put them on every night even if it means hand washing and tumble drying.
Make sure his tummy is full before bed as well. If he’s having a growth spurt then he might need supper before bed rather than just milk.

Your DH forfeits his opinion here if he doesn’t do any night wakings (I consider this to be his choice).
Do sleep training, it’s a last resort but it sounds like you need it.

Honestly, it does sound normal for a 14 month to wake lots. Our 20 month old still wakes lots, we take turns for a night each. If my husband doesn’t wake up on his night I poke him until he gets up.

We went through a few weeks of sleeping through then the 18month regression happened and we are back to the start. We have a spare mattress for really bad nights so we can sleep next to the crib.

Sleep training didn't work for us - DS just cried so much he vomited and or would improve for a day/2 days then revert and DD just sleep trained herself - but I think you should sleep train. Ultimately, it's your decision because your DH has decided to make it your responsibility.

Having said that, getting some rest before hand might help. So I'd be, at the very least, leaving DS and DH to co-sleep while you go sleep in another room with the door firmly shut to catch up OR, take yourself off to the local premier inn and leave DH to deal with DS alone.

THEN sleep train. At worst, you're more rested and mentally prepared. At best, DH starts to realise he needs to step up.

Until your husband is on board you're going to get nowhere. He HAS to take over for a while to feel it's full effect. I'll give him a couple of nights.

Let him do it but don't interfere and if he chooses co sleeping then you stay in the bairns room.

Suggest getting in touch with Andrea Grace. Very sensible, kind, no drama sleep training. Saved me when I was on my knees. £300 well spent. Be decisive and make it happen - your husband’s views are not relevant if he does not contribute any support.

I would definitely sleep train in your shoes. You can't carry on like this without it ruining your mental health and/or marriage.

These threads always spark people saying 'it won't be like this forever ' but I know three 9 year olds who still won't go to sleep without their parents next to them and then still wake at 3am and climb into bed with them. Fair play to those parents but I couldn't do it.

@Secondnightblue

I’m thinking I’m going to have to do CIO nothing else has worked. Feels a bit shit though.

We did controlled crying! we used the ferber method and couldn't recommend it highly enough! took maybe 4/5 days to take effect and those days were rough but we have a brilliant sleeper now.

He's 14 months.. It's normal for him to wake up to play or for a cuddle. Sleep train if you want but be prepared for him "return to type" fairly often.
It sounds like it would be more effective to sleep train dad to wake up at night instead.

You’re going to have to sleep train for his sake and your own! Strong consistent bedtime routine, going to bed at EXACTLY the same time every single night, plenty of exercise and active time in the day with plenty of fresh air and when he wakes just go in a re settle once or twice then leave him to it, he needs to learn that no amount of creating will get him into your bed! Also watch his naps, no later than early afternoon and not more than a couple of hours nap per day. Make sure he has a nice full tummy going to bed.

Try the moving chair technique. It's less hard on the child and you! They gradually (about two weeks) adapt to self settling. I know you just want to sleep now (I completely understand!) but if you've survived this far, then another two weeks is doable. We used the technique for going to bed and during wake ups. Good luck whatever you decide to try

Listen to me, OP. Sod your husband. If he won't contribute, he doesn't get a say. So you just go ahead and do the method that you want, and inform your husband of what you'll be doing when. If he disagrees, tell him he can handle it.

I was in your exact situation, and did CIO. It was honestly fine, I was so scared about it but when I eventually did it, it took a few days. First day he cried maybe half hour, second day 15 mins, then a few minutes for a few more days, then nothing. We did CIO when he woke up, usually when he first woke up I would quickly go in, cuddle, say "It's sleepy time love" (or whatever you say, but make it the same sentence each time) back down. Leave. A difficult few days but got a happy child who was sleeping, and a happy me who was actually sleeping.

Instead of framing it as you doing it because you need sleep, try framing it as you're doing it because HE needs sleep, which is also true. You are helping your son by teaching him a very important skill, how to fall asleep. You're not being selfish, you're doing what is right for your family.

You don't need to leap straight to CIO. I'm a big fan of sleep training but there are various methods involving some controlled crying which are easier.

We did the incremental lengths of crying, starting a 1 minute. Never went beyond 8 minutes. It did work.

It's shit if your husband won't get on board. It will make it much harder, but as long as he isn't actively undermining you by going in to your son while you are trying to do some timed intervals it will work.

Don't blame you on the co-sleeping feelings! I never understood how it helped me to get sleep. Can't get to a comfortable position, can't move, get kicked and wriggled against for hours. Not a fan.