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Original poster

Husband 40th soon and he doesn't want to celebrate

83 replies

mailpal · 16/01/2022 07:30

My DH has never been a big fan of birthdays, he is turning 40 soon and isn't interested in doing anything or celebrating - he said he wants it to 'come and go' such a shame :/

I really want to do something nice for him and have a great time.. he's not one for too much fun lol but turning 40 is a big deal!

He doesn't have many friends and said he doesn't want the fuss..

Any ideas?

I might just go ahead and book a restaurant somewhere.. he doesn't want to travel 'far' either.. he isn't giving me much to work with..

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 16/01/2022 10:52

Do what he wants for his birthday. Cook him a nice meal or get a posh takeaway from his favourite restaurant. That is plenty.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 16/01/2022 10:56

My partner is 50 soon. He doesn’t want to do anything except go for dinner with hides mum. Personally I’d like to spoil him but he’s clear that’s what he wants. Dinner, no cake, no gifts. He means it so that’s what we will do

My 50th ij a few years in the other hand ….,, I intend to milk it!!!

Glowtastic · 16/01/2022 10:58

We both had 40th birthday parties, ok but not amazing. The anxiety about people not coming/dropping out last minute/making sure everyone was ok etc etc was all consuming. Never again.

It's DH 50th this year and he doesn't really want to do anything, I'm going to book a lake District weekend stay in a nice hotel go for a big hike. He might organise drinks with friends. We no longer want parties or big dos and in actual fact I think I had the 40th a I thought I "should" but didn't really want it in reality!

notagainnotagain · 16/01/2022 11:00

Listen to him.
He doesn't want a fuss

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2022 11:04

I really want to do something nice for him and have a great time..he's not one for too much fun lol but turning 40 is a big deal!

No it isn't!

It just means he's managed to not die during the last 40 years.

If he doesn't want a fuss, don't force him into one. Maybe put the money towards an extra nice present.

PrettyBluebells · 16/01/2022 11:14

I didn't want anything big for my 30th, 40th or my 50th (not 60 yet, lol). It's not something I regret and I really loved my birthdays, I remember each of them fondly. My big blow out was my 21st, oof, lol!

marcopront · 16/01/2022 11:29

@mailpal

I totally agree, he just always looks disappointed when it comes round and he hasn't planned anything.. but I think it's a good shout to do what he wants it is his day and not mine.. absolutely right xx
Then ask him again and make it clear if he says he wants nothing to happen then nothing will happen.
Hbh17 · 16/01/2022 11:34

I think birthday celebrations for adults are awful and I never mark my own birthday. It even takes me days to open any cards that are sent. Fortunately, my husband respects my views. Please, please be fair to your husband & just do what he wants, even if that us absolutely nothing.

Howareyouflower · 16/01/2022 11:35

A big celebration would be my idea of hell, but I'd enjoy a day out, just the two of us, with a pub lunch. When my son in law had a big birthday during lockdown, my daughter formed a secret Whatsapp group with all his friends and relatives, and asked them all to record a happy birthday message for him. She saved them all to her computer and then played them to him on his birthday. People were very imaginative, had mini parties in their houses, talked about their memories of him. We bought a Colin the Caterpillar cake and champagne, lit candles and sang Happy Birthday to him. He was delighted!

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2022 11:36

I don’t like birthday fuss either, can’t stand parties.

Respect his wishes, buy him a thoughtful gift that he’ll enjoy, cook or order a nice meal and leave at that. He’ll appreciate it.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/01/2022 11:40

I'm the same with presents. You can end up being given "stuff" that you'd never buy yourself. You say thank you, but are really thinking "WTF am I meant to do with that! When is a suitable time I can offload that to a charity shop".

Cas112 · 16/01/2022 11:57

If he doesn't want to do anything then he doesn't want to do anything, listen

EightNationNavy · 16/01/2022 12:45

What was his childhood like? Is there a history of disappointment and abandonment or bullying? What I'm getting at is that some people have an irrational fear that they are not truly valued by others, but don't want to arrange a gathering only for nobody to show, as that would (obviously) be worse.
Play it by ear, but maybe sound him out about a takeaway or meal out with a handful of close, reliable friends, near to the date, and tip the friends off so that they can bring cards. Baby steps but that sort of low stress arrangement can help build confidence for following birthdays.
He's married to you, so in principle he does want to spend time with at least one other person, however reserved his personality is!

rrhuth · 16/01/2022 13:10

It just means he's managed to not die during the last 40 years Grin

When you put it like that it makes it sounds more impressive actually!

Riverlee · 16/01/2022 13:13

You can celebrate without making a big fuss. I’ve never wanted ‘significant birthday’ mass parties either.

Can you suggest something low key? Meal at decent restaurant? Takeaway? Tickets to local theatre?

saleorbouy · 16/01/2022 13:22

Why don't you book a weekend away at a hotel (city break or country hotel) Have a nice meal out and incorporate an activity or visit to somewhere he might enjoy.
I didn't really want anything big for my 40th, respect his decision and make it memorable in a different way, some people don't like being the centre of attention.

eagerlywaitingfor · 16/01/2022 13:26

I'm turning 60 soon, and I don't want a fuss either.

such a shame No, it's not really. Not if he doesn't want an all-singing all-dancing birthday. You're thinking about it from your point of view.

Original poster
mailpal · 16/01/2022 13:40

@EightNationNavy spot on!!

This absolutely plays a part

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 15:16

@mailpal

My DH has never been a big fan of birthdays, he is turning 40 soon and isn't interested in doing anything or celebrating - he said he wants it to 'come and go' such a shame :/

I really want to do something nice for him and have a great time.. he's not one for too much fun lol but turning 40 is a big deal!

He doesn't have many friends and said he doesn't want the fuss..

Any ideas?

I might just go ahead and book a restaurant somewhere.. he doesn't want to travel 'far' either.. he isn't giving me much to work with..

Why don't you listen to him?

It's his birthday, not yours

Bonnealle · 16/01/2022 15:24

Imagine you said you wanted a big party for your 40th, but your husband doesn’t like parties so he didn’t want to arrange one. Just let the poor guy have what he wants - it’s his birthday!!!

Original poster
mailpal · 16/01/2022 17:19

I've acknowledged that it is his day entirely already

OP posts:
SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch · 16/01/2022 17:29

Don't force him to do something big with loads of people if he doesn't want to. Remember it's about him, not you. Your desire to make a big gesture is not more important than his feeling comfortable. If someone says they don't a fuss then that's usually exactly what they mean.

Do something nice, by all means. A special weekend away just two of you, or with his parents or maybe one special friend if he has one. That's enough.

Hen2018 · 16/01/2022 17:30

He’s literally told you he doesn’t want to do anything.

Why aren’t you listening to him?

edwinbear · 16/01/2022 18:11

DH isn't much into birthdays and he was like this over his 40th and 50th. On his 50th, I booked a lovely sushi restaurant for just us and DC which he loves, but instead of getting a cab, I booked a limo to take us, with champagne and Schloer for the kids, on ice in the back. Made it special and DC obviously thought it was the coolest thing ever, which made DH happy. That was plenty flash enough for him!

lisaandalan · 16/01/2022 18:45

It might be a big deal to you but not for him, I've never had a birthday party and would be fuming if someone threw a surprise party for me.
Some people don't like being the centre of attention.
Ask him to go for a nice quiet meal or something else he might want to do. X

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