Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband 40th soon and he doesn't want to celebrate

83 replies

mailpal · 16/01/2022 07:30

My DH has never been a big fan of birthdays, he is turning 40 soon and isn't interested in doing anything or celebrating - he said he wants it to 'come and go' such a shame :/

I really want to do something nice for him and have a great time.. he's not one for too much fun lol but turning 40 is a big deal!

He doesn't have many friends and said he doesn't want the fuss..

Any ideas?

I might just go ahead and book a restaurant somewhere.. he doesn't want to travel 'far' either.. he isn't giving me much to work with..

OP posts:
marcopront · 16/01/2022 08:12

If you said you didn't want to do something and he made you do it, would that be acceptable?

Of course it wouldn't so why are you insisting on celebrating when he doesn't want to?

sol7 · 16/01/2022 08:15

My DH is the same. He was 50 recently and wanted to do nothing. He didn't even want to go out for dinner as it was at the height of the Omicron wave. So I cooked a nice meal at home, got him the gift he asked for and made a cake. He was perfectly happy and wouldn't been if I'd made any more fuss.

sol7 · 16/01/2022 08:16

Fortunately I had arranged a big surprise party and he loved it despite saying that’s exactly what he didn’t want.

My husband would probably have left me if I'd done this!

CurtainTroubles · 16/01/2022 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ShadowGirls · 16/01/2022 08:20

My DH is the same. Just listen to what he wants and respect that, it's his day after all

CurtainTroubles · 16/01/2022 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Bearsinmotion · 16/01/2022 08:23

God, this reminds me of ex MIL! I didn’t want to do anything for my 40th, and actually arranged it so that day we were travelling to go on holiday, with MIL, which she knew. She decided to organise a “party” for us all on holiday, got my DD involved to help decorate and made a cake. I had to go along with it, mainly not to upset DD who MIL had convinced it was something mummy would love. Ex DP had known as it but thought it was fine as MIL was doing something nice. Never understood that - what’s nice about doing something for someone when they have explicitly asked you not to do?!

FocacciaFingerer · 16/01/2022 08:24

His birthday, his choice how he celebrates
Not yours
Ask him before you book anything, nothing worse than having something forced onto someone that's really not arsed
I had a quite an over zealous friend that wanted to do a party for my 40th, I was quite clear that I didn't want a fuss, even my kids said 'nope Mum's not into it' she took major offence to the fact that I declined
It's about respecting people's wishes
I'm sure you wouldn't be best pleased if you were making it clear that you didn't want a fuss and he was on here posting about it

luckylavender · 16/01/2022 08:48

@mailpal - he's been quite clear. Why are you trying to make your feelings more important? It's his day.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 08:50

Please don’t do anything he doesn’t want. I too wanted my big birthday’s to pass without fuss, I just wanted the day over.

wingingit33 · 16/01/2022 08:52

I hate birthdays and every year it causes drama because I don't want to acknowledge it but my husband and parents feel it's a necessity. Conversely I go out of my way for other people's birthdays but hate my own.

Rainbowbrite2022 · 16/01/2022 08:56

You can still celebrate/mark the occasion in smaller ways, local meal or takeaway at home or a day out that you both like? I’d have another chat and confirm he won’t change his mind too late to organise anything or to plan something small and then leave it.

I always go away for my birthday and my 40th had a couple of get togethers with friends and family and a holiday combined with friends 40th and my other half. Wasn’t interested in a party though.

Flickflak · 16/01/2022 09:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PhilCornwall1 · 16/01/2022 09:47

Do it the way he wants. It's my 50th in a couple of months and I'd have a right grump on if anything was organised for it and people know it.

To me it's just another day and of no consequence.

HemlockStarglimmer · 16/01/2022 10:11

My husband organised a big party for my fiftieth, despite me telling him I didn't really, really didn't want one.
Thanks to the current situation my sixtieth was very low key and much more to my taste.

SunflowerTed · 16/01/2022 10:12

A lots of us feel like that when we’re 40. Myself and hubby had a romantic night away in a nice hotel just us. It was lovely. Felt the same when I turned 50 - went away again! In the kindest way - respect his wishes xx

ElegantlyTouched · 16/01/2022 10:18

Why is what you want more important than what he wants?

JDaytona · 16/01/2022 10:29

Please don't arrange a party for someone that doesn't want one.

I don't like parties for myself or being the centre of attention and discovered that a family member had arranged a surprise party for me - which I'd specifically said I don't want and would make me uncomfortable.

So I booked a holiday and went away when the party was supposed to be.

Alayalaya · 16/01/2022 10:31

I certainly didn’t see it as something to celebrate. It was a tragedy that I found very upsetting and I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. You don’t get to tell him how to feel about his own milestone.

Bonbon21 · 16/01/2022 10:32

His birthday... his choice.
Whatever you do, do NOT arrange a big surprise party!
You may not be forgiven.

layladomino · 16/01/2022 10:33

Don't ever arrange a party or gathering for someone who's said they don't want it. It's really, really disrespectful, tramples over their wishes FOR THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY and they will likely not enjoy it / rather you'd saved the money / pretend to have enjoyed it because they feel obliged.

If my DH arranged a party for me, not only would I wonder why he'd completely ignored my wishes, but I'd also think he can't really know me. I would smile and be polite on the night, but inside I'd be gutted that he didn't care about what I wanted.

Your DH says he doesn't want to do anything. Why are you intent on doing what you want rather than what he wants?

You might love a party. Let's say you do. Let's say you've always said 'I want a party for my 40th'. Then your DH, who doesn't like parties, says to other people 'it would be such a shame to have a party for her 40th, that isn't what I want to do, so we'll do nothing which is what I'd prefer'. Would that be OK? Because it's what you're doing in reverse.

shedreamer · 16/01/2022 10:33

Yes, if he doesn't want a fuss, don't plan anything. Ask him if you can mark it in a small way, maybe cook a nice meal for him and get him a present but it's up to him if he doesn't want a celebration. Lot's of people feel like he does about birthdays. I did very little for my 40th. His choice but see if you can compromise on a small acknowledgment of his birthday, but don't do it without his ok on it or he may feel you have ignored his wishes.

Wombat98 · 16/01/2022 10:34

My DH didn't book time off around his 50th, so was scheduled work away...

Original poster
mailpal · 16/01/2022 10:40

I totally agree, he just always looks disappointed when it comes round and he hasn't planned anything.. but I think it's a good shout to do what he wants it is his day and not mine.. absolutely right xx

OP posts:
SGBK4682 · 16/01/2022 10:49

Yes, you need to respect his wishes. My DH has never been that keen on celebrating birthdays but he will have a family meal out ( us and kids).

We are only a few weeks apart in age so when we were 40 I did persuade him to have two joint celebrations - one with family and one with friends. The family one was at a hotel which we paid for in full, and it was partly to reciprocate as we had had a lot of big family events in recent years. He was fine with it but I did all the organising.

We're much 9lder now and haven't done similar again. There is something about 40.... When I turned 50 I agonized for months about what to do and just couldn't decide....ended up taking the kids to a theme park, so just an ordinary family day out!

Swipe left for the next trending thread