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Original poster

Would you expect an apology every time your DH raised his voice at you?

57 replies

Mamma43435 · 16/01/2022 05:03

DH is usually caring and respectful. But occasionally he gets frustrated with something, or with me, and he'll raise his voice at me. He's never insulting, but it's usually accusatory, e.g. "Why didn't you...??" because I didn't hear him or I didn't read his mind.

The raised voice and accusatory tone really upsets me. It puts me in a really bad mood until he apologises - all I really want is a 'sorry for being an idiot' and then all those feelings evaporate. But if he's been obstinate then it can ruin a morning, ruin a day out - I'm annoyed, and he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I think now he's fed up with doing all the apologising (even though he's the doing all the snapping) and he is starting to think I'm oversensitive and he's feeling he has to tip-toe around me.

So do you expect an apology every time your DP is a bit of a d* with no good reason? Or do you let some things go for the sake of moving past a non-argument?

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 16/01/2022 05:20

I absolutely let things go, but it's things such as him forgetting to complete certain household tasks when busy at work as I do the same. The difference between the things let go and what you're describing is intent. Accidentally messing up in some way feels very different to being on the receiving end of someone lashing out verbally. I would expect an apology for being spoken to rudely. So in my opinion being a bit of a d* for no reason definitely needs apologising for. If he doesn't behave that way towards others it's hugely disrespectful too.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2022 06:02

Nah, wouldn't bother me. As long as it wasn't a regular occurance. Sometimes people get mad and they say things they don't mean, sometimes that requires them to appologise but sometimes we just need to appreciate their momentary loss of cool and let it go.

Thatldo · 16/01/2022 06:09

It really depends how often he shouts at you.once in a month is ok(ish).every day isn't.

Original poster
Mamma43435 · 16/01/2022 06:32

Thanks for your responses.

If you expect an apology and don't get it right away, how do you deal with it? Do you request an apology. If you don't get it and the whole thing is actually quite small, do you just let things cool off until the the argument is sort of forgotten?

When I'm angry waiting for an apology, I close down until I can cool off. That means being on my own for a bit. If we put enough distance between us then I'll forget about it eventually. But it doesn't feel very healthy for our relationship. And I feel upset for much longer than if I had just gotten a quick sorry straight away. DH knows this but doesn't always back down even though he's at fault. (He probably doesn't feel like he's at fault.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma43435 · 16/01/2022 06:32

This is probably every 3 weeks or so.

OP posts:
GrannyBattleaxe · 16/01/2022 06:36

My DH has never, ever, even slightly raised his voice to me - that would be us over if he did and we’ve been together years. I’ve never raised my voice either, wouldn’t dream of it. We live in a mutually respectful house, we know each other will occasionally do things the other doesn’t understand/want/finds annoying, or get things wrong, but we talk…as the underpinnings is that we truly do care about each other so anything has been unintentional and therefore needs no aggression or unpleasantness.

FindingMeno · 16/01/2022 06:43

I used to think I'd be pissing in the wind if I expected this.
But my new years resolution was to set new boundaries and have decided to expect an apology when the dust settles after behaviour like this.

Billybagpuss · 16/01/2022 06:49

My DH sounds similar. He is lovely but will occasionally be thoughtless and unreasonable. Dragging an apology from him is like trying to get blood out of a stone, and when it comes it never sounds genuine he hates to accept responsibility for whatever it is. Can’t see that even a sorry I upset you in a genuine way would make the whole day better.

YourenutsmiLord · 16/01/2022 06:52

I would say you should try raising your voice back, in an angry way, which is what he is doing. Being shouted at is horrible, leaves you angry and disappointed and sad. If you shout back he will soon discover this too, it is not nice being shouted at.
The fact you seem to go silent and wait for an apology is probably not going to improve the situation, the silence is making you the mopey, sullen bad guy.

WTF475878237NC · 16/01/2022 07:02

Could you try saying at the time something such as you are being rude and disrespectful and we will not be carrying on as normal until you apologise, then go about your day? I'm wondering if being more assertive is what might shake things up.

DragonMovie · 16/01/2022 07:03

My DP and I let a lot go now we’re older and calmer. Now that we do less of this (eg silent treatment) I’d say I get more apologies than I did before. Neither shouting nor silent treatment are great behaviour so perhaps have a frank discussion about both of you aiming to work on your unconstructive behaviours. I don’t mean to sound judgmental - my instinct used to be to go straight for the silent treatment but it’s a bit manipulative and more often than not will generate a peace keeping apology (other person is bored of the silent treatment and just wants to get back to normal) rather than a genuine one. If my partner is a dick occasionally I respond to let him know that I’m hurt, then take a short time to myself and busy myself with something else. Then later on sometimes I get an apology and sometimes I don’t, but when I don’t I can usually see his POV and decide it’s not worth it or he had a point. Sometimes he didn’t have a point and I ask to talk about it later, and sometimes I let it go anyway because I’ve got over it. I’m sure my DP is the same and lets a lot of the things that annoy him go.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/01/2022 07:13

Expect an apology...? Not necessarily. I expect not to be shouted at.

I dont want any man shouting at me be they DP, or DB, colleague etc. Those are my boundaries and I make that clear

I don't live with DP although we've been together a good while so it's different for me I guess. We had a bit of an argument once and he shouted - he was out of my home in seconds, apologising as he went. He's never shouted at me since.

Have a word with your husband about what mutual respect means.An obstinate shouty bloke isnt it, thats for sure. They disrupt peace, and peace is important.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 16/01/2022 07:23

I think in the moment when he raises his voice he needs a loud and clear “DO NOT SHOUT AT ME". Address it in the moment because you are just prolonging your own suffering with the silent treatment and the waiting for an apology.

MacNTosh · 16/01/2022 07:23

Too right I would, a raised voice for a minor thing forgotten or not done is an overreaction, I’m not a child. My dh wouldn’t speak to me like that unless we were having an argument, either one of us getting that frustrated with the other one would apologise, even if we were right.

De88 · 16/01/2022 07:28

If this is a regular occurrence no I wouldn't expect an apology, I expect him to change! I doubt the sorry is sincere at all really. Not sorry I shouted, just sorry because I don't like your sullen face so stop it now.

Mommabear20 · 16/01/2022 07:28

Don't expect it as have never gotten it. If I tell him he's upset me or needs to calm down it just makes him worse, so not saying anything is the only way forward.

GalesThisMorning · 16/01/2022 07:30

Yes of course. I don't expect to be shouted at by anyone, much less the person I've chosen to spend my life with. I wouldn't live with a man who is a shouter, but if things get heated in an argument and he raises his voice of course I expect a very quick apology! And vice versa, if I raise my voice or say something purely to wound of course I apologise.

If this behaviour were to happen frequently, as in monthly or whatever, an apology would no longer suffice and I would expect him to just stop doing it!!! Its not ok

Ahalam · 16/01/2022 07:57

You might find this article helpful. There is a lot of good relationship advice on that site, backed up by years of research.

SportsMother · 16/01/2022 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumdiva99 · 16/01/2022 08:01

Can we clarify are you ever in the wrong? Did you ever do whatever it is he's annoyed for? If so - do you ever apologise for this? Or do you always expect DH to apologise for getting annoyed over it?

I am not saying he has a right to shout at you. But in my book a raised voice and shouting are two very different things and I wouldn't be bothered by one as I think it's healthy to let out frustration and not bottle it. Full on shouting in my face no no. Now just because it may not bother me doesn't mean it shouldn't bother you. It does and therefor not OK. But have you looked at it from his perspective while you are silently seething over the raised voice. Is he wishing that you had/hadn't done X for the millionth time.... do you ever need to apologise to him as well?

(I say the raised voice wouldn't bother me....but silent treatment and sulking would be a deal breaker for me. Just goes to show we are all different).

FlowerArranger · 16/01/2022 08:02

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

I think in the moment when he raises his voice he needs a loud and clear “DO NOT SHOUT AT ME". Address it in the moment because you are just prolonging your own suffering with the silent treatment and the waiting for an apology.
I agree.

But fundamentally you need to address WHY he thinks it's acceptable to shout at you - and how he can stop doing this.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 16/01/2022 08:02

I expect not to be shouted at!

Avarua · 16/01/2022 08:04

No. Marriage is basically a series of acts of forgiveness. On both sides.

Let it go.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/01/2022 08:06

No, I raise my voice too on occasion (I know a MN taboo- partners that argue)- I don’t think every crossed word needs dissecting and apologising over.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/01/2022 08:16

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

I think in the moment when he raises his voice he needs a loud and clear “DO NOT SHOUT AT ME". Address it in the moment because you are just prolonging your own suffering with the silent treatment and the waiting for an apology.
Yeah I agree.

I also think the dynamics of your relationship are a factor. Everyone is human and my dh and I can sometimes a bit grumpy or impatient and occasionally there's a raised voice (not that often I would say) but are both very quick to say "do you know what? I was snippy there and I am sorry" if we were the one in a grump OR "your tone isn't okay and I don't deserve that" if on the receiving end of it and then the other says sorry and we kiss and make up.

if you challenge him and his response is "I don't care" "whatever" "you deserved it" or anything other than I'm sorry... then there may be bigger things at play here.

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