Would you expect an apology every time your DH raised his voice at you?

[Mamma43435]

DH is usually caring and respectful. But occasionally he gets frustrated with something, or with me, and he'll raise his voice at me. He's never insulting, but it's usually accusatory, e.g. "Why didn't you...??" because I didn't hear him or I didn't read his mind.

The raised voice and accusatory tone really upsets me. It puts me in a really bad mood until he apologises - all I really want is a 'sorry for being an idiot' and then all those feelings evaporate. But if he's been obstinate then it can ruin a morning, ruin a day out - I'm annoyed, and he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I think now he's fed up with doing all the apologising (even though he's the doing all the snapping) and he is starting to think I'm oversensitive and he's feeling he has to tip-toe around me.

So do you expect an apology every time your DP is a bit of a d* with no good reason? Or do you let some things go for the sake of moving past a non-argument?

My DH and I have never shouted at each other, but if occasionally things get heated and unkind, accusatory or similar words are spoken by either of us, we are both likely to apologise sooner rather than later. I don't "expect" an apology from him, I think we both expect better of ourselves and are quick to say sorry if we've been snappy or cranky.

It sounds like a battle of wills.
DH won’t back down and is obstinate and you need space and back off and sulk. You both sound pretty obstinate!
If it’s a raised voice and ‘a tone’ I wouldn’t expect an apology as I think it’s normal from time to time and is sometimes not actually aimed at anyone it’s just frustration coming across.
I would expect and give an apology if I was actually shouted at.
I also wouldn’t hold out for a sorry over something trivial if it meant there was a horrible atmosphere and the day was ruined.

What was they last thing he "why didn't you" about?

I don't think it matters much that you get an apology as he keeps doing it. An apology means he's not going to do it anymore.

Can you sense when he's going to do it?

If so, you can tell him to stop it right then with one of the PP comments. Don't speak to me like that.

@Mumdiva99

Can we clarify are you ever in the wrong? Did you ever do whatever it is he's annoyed for? If so - do you ever apologise for this? Or do you always expect DH to apologise for getting annoyed over it?

I am not saying he has a right to shout at you. But in my book a raised voice and shouting are two very different things and I wouldn't be bothered by one as I think it's healthy to let out frustration and not bottle it. Full on shouting in my face no no. Now just because it may not bother me doesn't mean it shouldn't bother you. It does and therefor not OK. But have you looked at it from his perspective while you are silently seething over the raised voice. Is he wishing that you had/hadn't done X for the millionth time.... do you ever need to apologise to him as well?

(I say the raised voice wouldn't bother me....but silent treatment and sulking would be a deal breaker for me. Just goes to show we are all different).

I think this raises some good questions.

You appear to have set yourself up as a victim in your question. I'd be curious to understand exactly what has happened.

But on the bare bones, no I don't expect a full blown apology every time my husband loses his temper, less so if it is because of something I've done.

Have you talked about it? There’s a lot of ‘I think that he thinks’ in your post, alongside expecting an apology - have you discussed it at a time when you’re not in the heat of the moment?

My DH is quick to frustration, can raise his voice which feels angry or accusatory and he doesn’t mean it to sound as aggressive as it does. He’s also quick to apologise too though, and we’ve talked about it as a general issue, and in the moment I say something like ‘Don’t raise your voice’, ‘You’re sounding aggressive’ etc and that usually stops it.

But you have to talk about it when it’s not happening.

@Mamma43435

Thanks for your responses.

If you expect an apology and don't get it right away, how do you deal with it? Do you request an apology. If you don't get it and the whole thing is actually quite small, do you just let things cool off until the the argument is sort of forgotten?

When I'm angry waiting for an apology, I close down until I can cool off. That means being on my own for a bit. If we put enough distance between us then I'll forget about it eventually. But it doesn't feel very healthy for our relationship. And I feel upset for much longer than if I had just gotten a quick sorry straight away. DH knows this but doesn't always back down even though he's at fault. (He probably doesn't feel like he's at fault.)

You seem very very hung up on apologies. There must be deeper issues in your relationship if you can’t move on from a bit of snapping. It’s healthy to have disagreements. If my hubby shouts, I shout back. End of. Move on. Life is too short to be sulking

No to shouting and No to raised voice. I find both unacceptable and if it every did happen then an immediate apology. If it is a regular occurrence then there are underlying issues that need talking about otherwise resentment can fester and things will get worse.

I cannot bear sulking. I’m with your husband on this. He should be able to air his frustration without the fear of being sent to Coventry before he has to back down even though he may face a fair point. It’s quite emasculating.

I wouldn’t want him to be sorry, I’d want him to not do it.
He’s obviously not that sorry if he keeps doing it.

I think your sulking may be worse than his shouting, it's at least as bad.

Do you apologise to him when you're in the wrong?

I think trying to force an apology is pointless - if someone isn't genuinely sorry then saying it is meaningless.

So maybe, in a calmer moment, talk about how much his shouting upsets you. And give him the same chance to say what you do that upsets him. And you can both try to avoid those things in future. And if they happen, you might both be more aware to apologise, genuinely, afterwards.

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

I think in the moment when he raises his voice he needs a loud and clear “DO NOT SHOUT AT ME". Address it in the moment because you are just prolonging your own suffering with the silent treatment and the waiting for an apology.

That. And an apology dragged out of someone days later is entirely worthless.

I don't get why people get so hung up on apologies. Of course they can go a long way when they're genuine. But pestering and pestering someone to apologise entirely negates any value it might have had.

Some people struggle with the words and express their remorse through their actions. I can deal with that.

Thanks for all your responses. It's really helpful to see a large range of opinions. I guess the answer must be that it depends on the situation and depends on the relationship.

I've had this conversation several times with DH and we're both trying to change. He used to be worse until figured out how to manage his stress and he has been much better, but it left me with a very low tolerance for raised voices and sniping.

It's not a deliberate attempt from me to be manipulative. I just get tunnel vision and feel unhappy until he understands my pov. I do try to grant positive action, I try to explain why, or I use the time to go for a walk or try to talk myself out of my mood. I find this really hard though.

I'm quick to call him out on it at the time. But he doesn't always have a response or he huffs and I just makes me feel worse.

I do recognise when I'm wrong and I will apologise but I'm definitely not perfect. I get hyperfocused on something and I don't hear him, and he accuses me of not listening to him and just gets irritated at me.

There is a comment about my happiness being too dependent on him. That's something I'll think about and try to work on. Maybe I should both expect better from him and develop thicker skin.

My DH has never raised his voice to me in 30 years.

Maybe it's a cultural thing. We are both from the Mediterranean and so we're very loud (DH's parents are even louder) and if we apologised whenever we raised our voices at each other then i think we would be forever apologising. I could never cope with the sulking though - that would kill me in a mental health kind of way and believe would kill our marriage. Everyone's different though and I suppose it depends on each person how they feel - if it upsets you then its not right. After shouting, we just forget about everything and just move on from on it.

I'd expect an apology every time and some genuine effort to to stop it happening again.

Otherwise, he is not sorry is he, so he is saying he thinks it's fine to act aggressively towards you

I’m with @GrannyBattleaxe

I would not accept my DH raising his voice at me.

My late father was a shouter. A man would only shout at me once, that would be the end for me.

I can understand your reaction - I had a horrible 'relationship' with my father, and angry, shouty men make me feel like that frightened little girl again.

You can disagree without shouting.

Nobody is perfect. I’m certainly not because I am the (occasional) shouter in our relationship. DP is the infuriatingly passive aggressive one.

My view is that anger is a normal, healthy, sometimes useful human emotion and that trying to bottle it up all the time and letting issues fester causes more problems and resentment than it solves.

DP appears to believe that ignoring issues, however obvious, and we pretending they don’t exist magically makes them go away. The thing I struggle to deal with about this approach is that if your partner doesn’t know you are pissed off about something, how is anything goin* to change of get resolved?

A counsellor told me it’s immature to expect apologies and it doesn’t actually fix the problem. The problem is he’s not changing his behaviour. He has communication problems. He needs to work on it - you need that more than constant apologies. It’s a very basic principle that in effective communication you don’t say “why” it’s accusatory. He’s doing that. If it’s “why did you put the bowls on the side” then he could say (mature way) “could you please put the bowls in the other cupboard from now on because it makes it awkward to get to them otherwise” do you see the difference? Buy a book on basic relationship communication and ask him to read it. Counselling Will help. Getting him to engage in a counselling session is more important than an apology. Apologies play no part in a long term marriage really unless they are one off things like “sorry for breaking your cup it was an accident” apologising for a frequent and repeated type of verbal outburst is not worthwhile or constructive. He needs to do a lot of work and grow as a person and a communicator.

My friends tackle it in the moment which seems to work so you could try this…him does a random frustrated verbal outburst. She “don’t speak to me like that” hard stare until he looks away and then she carries on with her conversation and day. It definitely shuts him up and gives her the power back.

I would not accept anyone shouting at me. A few dates in, finding out a bloke was the type of person to shout at me and huff when corrected=instantly dump.
Are there kids living in this awful atmosphere?

Why would an apology matter, OP, when he does this every 3 weeks?
If ‘sorry’ does not mean ‘I’m remorseful that my actions caused this and will do things to remedy it and make sure it doesn’t happen again’, then what does the word mean to you?

OP I do not think this is about what we think or what we would do, but what you think and what you want to do. As you can see people are different and therefore relationships are too. We all have things that we would and would not tolerate in a partner and so the person to listen to is only yourself, your own instincts. If your husband's shouting pisses you off no amount of rationalizing will change that. You feel what you feel. I say you try and talk to your partner about this and if it does not work, try some couples counseling.

My ex never raised his voice and in fact would start talking quieter when he is upset. This drove me crazy!!!! It did not feel natural to me that we would talk like this when we are upset (perhaps because my parents shouted a lot, idk), and the way he spoke to me felt like he was treating me like I was crazy. Kept telling me to calm down and stuff. I know that many women would prefer this kind of communication, although it is unlikely as he would top this up with silent treatment for days on end, but anyway, what I am saying is, only you know how this makes you feel and if it makes you feel bad, you should deal with it.

it's not a deliberate attempt from me to be manipulative. I just get tunnel vision and feel unhappy until he understands my pov so basically unless he agrees youre right you sulk and ignore him? And this is ok . I get hyperfocused on something and I don't hear him so he is shouting because you are seemingly not hearing him?