Would you expect an apology every time your DH raised his voice at you?

[Mamma43435]

DH is usually caring and respectful. But occasionally he gets frustrated with something, or with me, and he'll raise his voice at me. He's never insulting, but it's usually accusatory, e.g. "Why didn't you...??" because I didn't hear him or I didn't read his mind.

The raised voice and accusatory tone really upsets me. It puts me in a really bad mood until he apologises - all I really want is a 'sorry for being an idiot' and then all those feelings evaporate. But if he's been obstinate then it can ruin a morning, ruin a day out - I'm annoyed, and he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. I think now he's fed up with doing all the apologising (even though he's the doing all the snapping) and he is starting to think I'm oversensitive and he's feeling he has to tip-toe around me.

So do you expect an apology every time your DP is a bit of a d* with no good reason? Or do you let some things go for the sake of moving past a non-argument?

" I just get tunnel vision and feel unhappy until he understands my pov."

This is just as bad if not worse than shouting. You both sound incapable of communicating like adults. Have you had any counselling?

Do you apologise to him for sulking?

Both of you sounds as if you need to grow up a lot. Learn how to communicate with each other.

Apologies mean fuck all if they have to be done repeatedly and sulking is passive aggressive abuse.

He raises his voice because you don't hear him. It can be exasperating when you have to repeat yourself but he needs to get that you're not listening the first time and get your attention first and you need to knock off the sulking.

Mmm, while a bit of shouting doesn't bother me, it does seem to be a think on MN so fair enough. However, there are a few comments in your posts that make me think you are actually quite controlling and don't take responsibility. When he shouts because you were hyperfocused on something and I don't hear him is this after you've acknowledged that you weren't paying attention and/or let a ball drop because you were focused on something else?

Because it does sound to me like if he's shouting in a way that isn't okay, that's one thing. But if you then go off and sulk for days because of it, all that's happening is that you're using his shouting as an excuse not to take responsibility for the perfectly justifiable reason he was upset in the first place....

I come from a family where no-one listens so everyone shouted.

If you both hear each other & act on the needs expressed, there's no need to shout.

I miss having a good shouting match sometimes tho...

Does he apologise eventually because he thinks he was wrong? Or because he's just so desperate to get you to talk to him again?

Is his shouting irrational or is it in response to you not listening to him and not acknowledging that?

At best, you sound like you don't communicate well or take responsibility for your actions - either of you. At worst, you sound like you are controlling and only accept behaviour that meets your very specific standards at all times, without any willingness or interest in adapting your behaviour for him.

What exactly do you mean by "raises his voice"? Do you mean just a little louder with a harsh irritable tone, or full on shouting? My husband has never shouted at me and I would never tolerate it if he did. There's no reason for a man to shout at a woman only to intimidate her and that's not the type of potentially abusive arsehole I'd want to be with.

However, he has on two or three occasions over the years literally "raised his voice" a bit with a shitty tone and I instantly shut it down and told him to wind his neck in and lower the tone which he did. I wouldn't expect an apology in those instances as he's human and things can get heated and so we just move past it but full on shouting would be very different.

I would yes but that's only because we never raise our voices at eachother. Most likely we would apologise to eachother because no-one won if it got to shouting and we should meet somewhere in the middle.

I think when I was younger I put a lot of emphasis on apologies because it meant I could silence the difficult part of me that wondered if it had been my fault all along. I find conflict very very difficult and it's been a long journey to get to a place where I can think ok you don't agree with me, perhaps you have some judgements about me, that's ok. Perhaps the OP is struggling with something similar.