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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband always says how tired he is and run down. surely thats life but what can i do ????

72 replies

lambran · 15/01/2022 07:45

My husband is 33 weve been together 15 years he works a very demanding job 5 days a week and lets the stress get to him his that type of person who takes lots of pride in his work, but for the last few years since weve had our 2 children his constantly saying how run down he feels, tired and just out of energy.

He has been ill pretty much since begining of december and is recovering from long covid i believe!(his adament his not) and i understand it has took a lot on him but even on his days off when i feel he is resting and doing things he enjoys when the kids arnt home, he doesnt feel any better.
If the little ones wake in the night ill try and get there 1st but he does get up also.
We are currently renovating our bedroom and my parents are round here everyday to do it but they are gone by the time his home.

I want to help him and understand the tiredness and mundane of doing exactly the same things he is doing everyday and how he is feeling but i just cant , this is life surely - you get up,you go to work, you eat , you sleep, you repeat

my days consist of the kids and volunteering at the school doing the house work, cooking dinner(his diet is not good just to note no fruit or veg will enter that mouth!) organising things, i do get more time than him at home so probably do more things to enjoy than him but this is what we agreed to do when we had the children , i feel tired but its life you just have to crack on

I dont know what the point of this post is maybe some words of wisdom please on how i can help him because im out of ideas , ive told him many times he should get a check up at the doctore to see if his lacking anything

OP posts:

Hb12 · 15/01/2022 07:48

I would think about returning to work, if he is feeling it that much he may not be able to persevere with it. I appreciate you agreed prior to kids etc, but life changes.

Zampa · 15/01/2022 07:49

First thing to look at it is diet, sleep and exercise. If those things aren't right, he will be tired. Alcohol doesn't help either. Iron deficiency can affect tiredness levels.

I do think being tired is kind of expected though if you work full time, have young children and are renovating a house.

GrendelsGrandma · 15/01/2022 07:52

He sounds depressed and you can't sort it out for him tbh.

Diet and exercise are the first things, I'm always shocked when I hear about people who don't eat fruit and veg. He's probably lacking essential vitamins. He needs to stop being a child and eat a proper diet.

Lounging around will only make him feel worse. If you got together as teens maybe he's never really grown up properly.

Spell out what you need for him to do and don't think it's your job to fix him.

supercali77 · 15/01/2022 07:54

He should definitely check with his doctor, when I was like this it was incredibly low iron that took 4 months to get back on track. Im not sure men have the same issue with it but it could be something as simple as that. It could also be depression.

Id also say your days sound more varied than his even if also busy and tiring. His sounds like it might be pretty monotonous? 5 days heavy work schedule likely dealing with the same people and same tasks. Does he wfh? If so, getting out more might help, even an hours walk. Does he have any hobbies or passions?

For me, when I worked full time for an employer and had my kid it was the feeling of stranglehold 9nto that situation seemingly forever without deviation that was doing a number on me. Im now self employed and while I work longer hours ...im infinitely happier. Could it be that?

AgentProvocateur · 15/01/2022 07:54

He’s maybe feeling under pressure from being the only earner. Could you look for a job to give him more options?

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 07:56

Sometimes you do t want anyone to do anything. Just listen and understand. Maybe talk it through. But sometimes someone just listening.

My mum died recently. Dp and my best friend, have been great. Because they have just held me and listened when I get upset. They aren't doing anything really. But it's what I need.

I get frustrated with 'at least she is with her mum' and 'she wouldn't want you to be so upset'. Certainly aren't trying to fix it, because they can't. Its just something I have to get through.

coldfeetmama · 15/01/2022 07:59

I would agree with previous posters saying check iron levels
See Gp for a full UE, FBC, HB, Ferritin and thyroid screen
Improve diet , sleep and avoid excessive alcohol
Hope things improve soon , you sound like a great team
Do you get any "date night " time together ?

Moonface123 · 15/01/2022 08:05

This way of life seems to be working for you but not your husband, he sounds burnt out. How would you feel about maybe going part time and he reduces his hours to look after the children. Life is all about balance, he probably feels very stuck and trapped, being the bread winner is all on him, its ok discusing these things before you have kids, but the reality is very different.

Original poster

lambran · 15/01/2022 08:09

thank you all for your comments i appreciate them. we have spoken many times about me retuning to work, but his even said me not working makes his working life easier, we like that we dont rely on family to pick the kids up or childcare and if one of them is ill im only 10 mins away so his quite happy to continue this arrangement

I do think he could be depressed but i cant think why his got a good job he enjoys he has a name for him self there and everyone knows him, he doesnt enjoy the people he works with but who does.
were in a very good financial situation - we have no debt behind us, we own our house outright ,we have 2 lovely children , we did loose our 14 year old lab last march maybe thats affecting him

his always saying about more fun but we do go out and have fun

unfortunatly no he cant work from home and he doesnt drink or smoke ive told him so many times about his diet isnt going to help and the coffee he msut have 6 or 7 cups a day illl try and nagg him again

OP posts:

Original poster

lambran · 15/01/2022 08:11

@coldfeetmama

I would agree with previous posters saying check iron levels See Gp for a full UE, FBC, HB, Ferritin and thyroid screen Improve diet , sleep and avoid excessive alcohol Hope things improve soon , you sound like a great team Do you get any "date night " time together ?

thanks yes weve always said were a team but i do feel less of a team just lately , yes date nights we do have but not had one in a long time !!!

OP posts:

pastabest · 15/01/2022 08:11

I think he needs to see a doctor.

When a (male) family member felt like this it turned out they had coeliac disease and incredibly low iron.

A gluten free diet made them suddenly seem 20 years younger.

Original poster

lambran · 15/01/2022 08:12

@AlDanvers

Sometimes you do t want anyone to do anything. Just listen and understand. Maybe talk it through. But sometimes someone just listening.

My mum died recently. Dp and my best friend, have been great. Because they have just held me and listened when I get upset. They aren't doing anything really. But it's what I need.

I get frustrated with 'at least she is with her mum' and 'she wouldn't want you to be so upset'. Certainly aren't trying to fix it, because they can't. Its just something I have to get through.

so sorry to hear about your mum, i lost my nana in august still miss her so much

OP posts:

Original poster

lambran · 15/01/2022 08:13

@supercali77

hobbies and passions no but he does like computing and gaming

OP posts:

AtlasPine · 15/01/2022 08:18

Very frustrating for you that he won’t explore the obvious options like seeing the doctor and considering his diet. He may well be abnormally tired and it might not just be the humdrum of life but he’s doing no one any favours if he won’t get it checked - that would really annoy me as it is selfish behaviours which affects the whole family. He needs to sort himself out and seek help - whether it’s a physical or mental underlying cause.

What you do if he refuses is a hard one. I would be gently insisting with ultimatums.

Original poster

lambran · 15/01/2022 08:18

we have a holiday booked for feb half term and loads of fun things booked bristol zoo legoland dunster castle so hoping a week away may make him feel better but its stilll a lot going on

OP posts:

fiftyandfat · 15/01/2022 08:19

No fruit or veg? Ever? Does he get fresh air and exercise?
I woild put money on iron and vitamin deficiency, particularly vitamin D.
But if he refuses to help himself there isnt much you can do.

DaisyDozyDee · 15/01/2022 08:21

You say you can’t think why he’d be depressed, but it’s important to recognise that depression doesn’t have to have an external reason.
It can look a lot like grief or overwhelming stress or exhaustion, but those things have external causes. Depression can happen to anyone, without an external trigger.

AtlasPine · 15/01/2022 08:21

@fiftyandfat

No fruit or veg? Ever? Does he get fresh air and exercise? I woild put money on iron and vitamin deficiency, particularly vitamin D. But if he refuses to help himself there isnt much you can do.

Agree about the vitamin D particularly. Can you persuade him to have the vit d (with vit k added is best) spray daily? It’s hardly a big ask.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 15/01/2022 08:24

It doesn't sound like you're carrying any debt, is there a reason he needs to work full-time? If you have any savings, could he agree a sabbatical/career break from work? He honestly sounds depressed and exhausted, and maybe needs an activity that's just for him rather than for work or the kids. Does he have any hobbies he has fancied trying?

MrsDrSpencerReid · 15/01/2022 08:24

It could be depression, my DD suffers with it even though on paper she has ‘nothing to be depressed about’. And that just makes her feel worse, knowing that she’s got nothing to be sad about but unable to shake the sadness anyway.

I’d definitely suggest a visit to his GP too, to get some blood tests done. I have shockingly low iron and I constantly feel like shite! Zero energy.

Keladrythesaviour · 15/01/2022 08:26

I'd definitely look at the coffee consumption. My DH was having problems (anxiety in particular) and switched to decaf and the change has been incredible. We are now a caffeine free house - it seems counter intuitive when you're tired but the caffeine cycle is real and will be affecting the quality of his sleep.

Another thing - does he snore? He could have sleep apnea which means his sleep isn't good even though he seems to be asleep. If so a visit to the doctors would be an idea

In all honesty though it sounds like burn out. For some the daily routine if work, children, dinner etc is what makes them content and happy. For others, like me to an extent, it's soul destroying. Not because I don't enjoy all the separate components but because I just feel there is so much more to life than repetion with no end in sight. I can't give up work or my responsibilities so I cope by going on day trips and holidays at weekends. I hate spending the weekend at home (which inevitably ends up being chores and same old routine). Visiting a new town or place helps to add a bit of novelty in my life and counteracts the drudgery.

Bagadverts · 15/01/2022 08:27

i do think he could be depressed but i cant think why his got a good job he enjoys he has a name for him self there and everyone knows him, he doesnt enjoy the people he works with but who does.
were in a very good financial situation - we have no debt behind us, we own our house outright ,we have 2 lovely children , we did loose our 14 year old lab last march maybe thats affecting him

his always saying about more fun but we do go out and have fun

Depression is an illness. A life can look amazing from the outside or at least on keel and reasonable but internally things are falling apart.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/01/2022 08:30

If he never eats fruit or veg there is your answer.

He’s vitamin deprived. It must be depressing and irritating for you to see him eating crap all the time then endlessly whinging.

CovidCorvid · 15/01/2022 08:37

He says he wants more fun. you say that you have fun.

Maybe he doesn’t think what you do is fun? When he says he wants to have fun ask him what he envisages that fun to be. Is it travelling, sports, new hobbies? He needs to find something to do rather than just work and look after kids.

Fidgety31 · 15/01/2022 08:38

You explain how good his life is from your point of view - but what does he have for himself ? Not including you and kids . If it is just work with people he doesn’t like then I’m not surprised he is miserable !
You seem dismissive of that .

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