husband always says how tired he is and run down. surely thats life but what can i do ????

[lambran]

My husband is 33 weve been together 15 years he works a very demanding job 5 days a week and lets the stress get to him his that type of person who takes lots of pride in his work, but for the last few years since weve had our 2 children his constantly saying how run down he feels, tired and just out of energy.

He has been ill pretty much since begining of december and is recovering from long covid i believe!(his adament his not) and i understand it has took a lot on him but even on his days off when i feel he is resting and doing things he enjoys when the kids arnt home, he doesnt feel any better.
If the little ones wake in the night ill try and get there 1st but he does get up also.
We are currently renovating our bedroom and my parents are round here everyday to do it but they are gone by the time his home.

I want to help him and understand the tiredness and mundane of doing exactly the same things he is doing everyday and how he is feeling but i just cant , this is life surely - you get up,you go to work, you eat , you sleep, you repeat

my days consist of the kids and volunteering at the school doing the house work, cooking dinner(his diet is not good just to note no fruit or veg will enter that mouth!) organising things, i do get more time than him at home so probably do more things to enjoy than him but this is what we agreed to do when we had the children , i feel tired but its life you just have to crack on

I dont know what the point of this post is maybe some words of wisdom please on how i can help him because im out of ideas , ive told him many times he should get a check up at the doctore to see if his lacking anything

If he doesn't enjoy the people he works with, that could be a big deal. Having to spend most of your waking hours with people you don't like is very draining and stressful. And not normal.

Does he talk about mental health? Might he do an online assessment for stress and depression?

Does he have options for a different job?

Two things come to mind. He should see his GP as a precaution and sort out his diet. And, was the dog the thing that got him up and about at the weekend?

If he's reluctant to see a doctor, would he use an at home blood test check that you send off by post? My husband used thriva but I'm sure there's loads of others.

Also, you say you're financially sorted - why is your husband still working with people he doesn't like if so? It's one thing to be stuck in a job, but it sounds like he has options - could he look at an alternative company if he likes the work? Or possibly an alternative career if he doesn't.

Why don't you buy him some multi vitamin tablets if he doesn't have a good diet

What is he going to ike at 43, 53 onwards if he is burnt out now ?

Can you both work part time ?

Sounds like he’s trapped himself into a role that no longer suits him. Successful, respected provider supporting a SAHM and happy family at home. And no, not everyone hates the people they work with.

But there’s nothing more irritating than someone who just moans but won’t explore why or consider changing anything. I’d be getting to the “broken record” response stage by now. “Really, me too. What shall we change to make our lives better” repeat repeat repeat.

He should go doctors, failing that he should try taking a vitamin D tablet every night, game changer.

He needs to rest more obviously.
This is not working so something needs to be changed before it gets too much

If he wants more fun ask him what things, what you consider fun he might not.

No, it's not normal to feel so tired and run down. It might just mean there's nothing seriously wrong and it's just diet or lifestyle, but it's not normal. So it needs to be checked out.

Depression is a possibility. Covid is a nasty virus that can damage neurological pathways and this affects the chemical balance in the brain. It doesn't have anything to do with how well your life is going. It affects your energy production at a cellular level, so is not linked with motivation or inclination, but is an involuntary physiological energy deficiency.

rundown tired and lack of energy could very well be a symptom of too much caffeine and no fruit or veg (does he really have none).

Is he is a cycle of feeling tired (possibly due to diet issues) so drinking coffee to feel alert which adds to the not being able to sleep and then rinse and repeat

That is the first step I think with this and taking it from there

His feelings sound very genuine and it doesn't sound like things are fairly full on. That said, he's only 33.
His diet is the obvious, if he isn't taking vitamin supplements to provide what he refuses to eat he will be malnourished and that's hardly conducive to bounding out of bed each morning.
Ask him how bad it has to get before he's willing to consider some habit changes?
Lifetime diet habits aren't easy to break, but could be have smoothies or... Any number of creative options...

So reading all these comments are helpful i know clearly what his needing its just convincing him he needs it also.

He does take multivitamins and yes he doesn't eat any fruit or veg at all he never has he hates the texture of them. He may blend them up occasionally in curry's pasta and soup but then will sieve them to get any bits out

Also as for giving up work because were financially stable We just got very lucky with our house from family we still need an income of some sort . And I have offered many times to go back to work to relieve him a bit ect

Don't just blame the diet OP - if it's anaemia it could have lots of causes. Believe it or not, some people get heavy blood loss from haemorrhoids that they're too embarrassed to talk about, or internal bleeds from the gut that he's either got no symptoms at the moment or is putting off addressing. The GP could arrange some blood tests or if you wanted to go private, companies like bupa do wellness screenings too.

@lambran

thank you all for your comments i appreciate them. we have spoken many times about me retuning to work, but his even said me not working makes his working life easier, we like that we dont rely on family to pick the kids up or childcare and if one of them is ill im only 10 mins away so his quite happy to continue this arrangement

I do think he could be depressed but i cant think why his got a good job he enjoys he has a name for him self there and everyone knows him, he doesnt enjoy the people he works with but who does.
were in a very good financial situation - we have no debt behind us, we own our house outright ,we have 2 lovely children , we did loose our 14 year old lab last march maybe thats affecting him

his always saying about more fun but we do go out and have fun

unfortunatly no he cant work from home and he doesnt drink or smoke ive told him so many times about his diet isnt going to help and the coffee he msut have 6 or 7 cups a day illl try and nagg him again

Depression is a mental health illness and often not always is a chemical imbalance. It’s not sadness. You don’t need a reason to be depressed.

Surely if your partner is struggling with his work load you don’t volunteer hours you could be using to lighten his load?

How is Legoland or the Zoo relaxing for the adult supervising fun or relaxing if they’re shattered from their usual day to day !? Why are you redecorating if he’s exhausted? You sound like you think he needs fixing with a pill so you can carry on as you were. Change your behaviour or his behaviour or the outcome will be the same.

If he's only 33 and is otherwise healthy and feeling so unwell, he needs to see a doctor and get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does, whether it's long Covid, some other post-viral syndrome, depression, iron deficiency or something else (and it could be any of those things, so he needs medical help to identify it and work out a treatment plan).

I'm afraid I would have no patience for someone being so listless and helpless when they are perfectly capable of seeking help. You've done what you can to lighten his load, but he's an adult with a responsible, well-paid job he manages to leave the house each day to do, so making a doctor's appointment is surely not too much of a stretch?

If he's depressed then he doesn't need a reason to be so, but he may well need you to be firm in you insistence that he goes to the doctor. It is neither fair nor acceptable that he's neglecting his health and expecting you to pick up the slack and not work 'to make his life easier'.

If he had covid in d cember it could well be after effects of that. I had it prevaccines and the acute stage I didn't feel that I'll but I did find that brain fog, heart palpitations when exercising persisted for months. By far the worst after effect was the fatigue. I wasn't bed bound or anything but I pretty much went to work, got home, ate something and went straight to bed for nearly 6 months.

Long Covid is pretty serious stuff. It can take up to 12 months to recover. Fatigue, breathlessness, mood, thinking and memory problems and joint and muscle problems are some of the symptoms and they're very similar to ME.

www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/news/coronavirus-and-your-health/long-covid#Heading5

Is he getting any help with it? Might be able to get a referral from the GP. There are specialist Long Covid practitioners who might be able to help.

You don't have to have something to be depressed about, to be depressed. Also lots of coffee can really affect anxiety. If there isn't a physical cause to that relentless tiredness I would definitely guess depression (based on my own experience). Especially him wanting to do more fun things... I remember desperately seeking fun just before my mental health breakdown. I wanted anything to make me feel happier (nothing was making me feel happy, no matter what it was. I look back now and very sad when I remember that feeling). Agree with others on diet, fresh air etc... these are all things that can affect both physical and mental health

Most kids and teenagers can get away with a less than ideal diet, a lot of people make it through their twenties without having to make an changes, but by our 30s we can't get away with the same things. By 33 somebody who doesn't eat and fruit or vegetables, doesn't manage stress well and doesn't get enough rest, is going to be vulnerable to lots of health issues that somebody who is eating a varied diet, managing stress well, and getting enough R&R isn't. You didn't mention exercise, but this is another area where people stop being able to get away with not doing enough. Drinking too much caffeine, again time to look at that. Nobody can get away with treating their body Badly forever, so it's better he get help while the wheels are squeaking than a few years down the line when the wheels fall off

How is Legoland or the Zoo relaxing for the adult supervising fun or relaxing if they’re shattered from their usual day to day shock!?

This. That doesn’t sound like a fun time for an adult who is working five days a week. Something fun would be centered on an adult activity not child related ones.

He does sound depressed, so he definitely needs to see a GP.

Seems like there’s an imbalance in time for fun and hobbies etc. You volunteer and have time in the week whereas his life is working a hard job and then family life at the weekend.

I think it’s a bit harsh to tell him that’s life regarding go to work come home see family rinse and repeat when it’s not exactly your life is it? And a half term for his annual leave that appears jam packed with excursions for the kids doesn’t sound very restful.

I’d be depressed if I were him and feel I was living only to provide the money and co-parent the kids.

And I say this as a busy working single mother with zero support - who still manages to make life about more than that!

Another possibility is fatigue from Covid. I don’t mean general tiredness, I mean he may not have enough energy. With fatigue you have to prioritise, work & DC, everything else has to wait until the fatigue eases as you’re simply not able to do them. It’s such a frustrating place to be. In this situation weekends would be used for resting as much as possible. I agree doctors for a check up especially iron levels.

You volunteer in schools. Could you look for a part time teaching assistant job. You would be working school hours, term time only.

Maybe that would give him more responsibility at home. Could he then reduce his hours?

His hobby being gaming won't be helping him feel any better. Gardening, walking, cycling....

Your week in half term sounds exhausting to me not fun at all I must say. One or two of those things maximum.

Btw, your thread is very outing unless you've changed a lot of the detail