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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating / policeman / red flags

72 replies

Adley · 14/01/2022 10:04

Hi all would you date a policeman or someone who works for the police
And what are the main dating red flags 🚩 to look out for online dating

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 14/01/2022 10:15

I married one (and am one).

Red flags for me is anything, anything at all, you don't feel comfortable with, as well as controlling and gaslighting behaviour.

Adley · 14/01/2022 10:21

Thanks
It’s because i had been messaging one online dating app but theyve said they’re coming off it due to the job and unsuitable being on there so asked me to whats app instead
I added Whats app but he has no pic on there?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 14/01/2022 10:22

Ask him for a pic?!

Adley · 14/01/2022 10:30

Ive seen all his pics on the app he looks nice, then he messaged saying hes coming off the app now so i looked and he’d removed all pics and put one on where hes in the distance so he cant be noticed
I just mean he has no pic on his whats app

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/01/2022 10:36

Married. And probably not in the police.

EBearhug · 14/01/2022 10:43

I don't have a pic on WhatsApp. Didn't realise it was a requirement,as I can use it fine without.

elelel · 14/01/2022 10:48

Nothing to do with the police I wouldn't think. He is hiding something.

Cas112 · 14/01/2022 10:53

The police force is notorious for everyone sleeping with everyone and extra marital affairs etc I had a friend who worked doing admin and she said it's rife.

goldfluffyclouds · 14/01/2022 11:09

red flag is not having clear pictures of himself on a dating app
red flag is saying that his job is the reason for removing himself from the app, why did he go on it in first place then
red flag - sounds like he's married/in a relationship
throw this one back - when its right then online dating is smooth - if you find yourself questioning odd behaviours then ditch that one...

JorisBonson · 14/01/2022 11:38

Spot on.

There's billions of police officers on tinder etc. Nobody gets asked to come off them.

Adley · 14/01/2022 11:45

No he had loads of nice clear pics on there then said someone messahed him who he’d once arrested
Ive sent him a whats app theres a pic now…
Wwyd

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 14/01/2022 11:46

I wouldn't date a police officer.
Full stop.

FloatyBoaty · 14/01/2022 11:47

I’ve dated police officers in the past- I wouldn’t again TBH.

Red flags-

  • says separated but not moved out yet
  • dicks you around rearranging plans
  • suggests first date at their house/ your house
  • tries to initiate inappropriate dirty talk (ie any) before you’ve been on a date
  • says anything “negging”, sexist, racist, ablist etc

Those are the common ones.

Not just for policemen I might add! Just men.

BarefootHippieChick · 14/01/2022 11:49

Why don't you chat to him and maybe go out on a date? That's the only way you'll find out if he's genuine. Not all police officers are dodgy. I know one who is lovely, married and doesn't cheat. But then I also know one who does cheat. They're just people like everyone else, some good, some not.

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 12:07

My bf of 2 years doesn't have a whatsapp profile photo and is in the police. And he has a very restricted social media which does feature me but would be impossible for strangers to find. He's lovely and hasn't cheated and I know him well enough that it wouldn't be his style. I work in a City type job and plenty of people cheat here too. I've also worked in the public sector and everyone was shagging everyone in my division. In fact, every profession is rife with it.

However, the shift work is a killer and you do need to be understanding of it, and comfortable spending a lot of time on your own. So only if you're a very independent person who can cope with an alone weekend for example because he'll be working, or doesn't mind going to events alone without him. Also need to be very secure yourself, my bf has female partners on the job he spends hours with everyday and it doesn't faze me at all because i trust him. But I can see that if you're not prone to trust, it can be a problem.

Regarding wanting to come off it, who knows. It is certainly possible someone he arrested is on there, or he could be a liar. But he could be in any job and be a liar. My bf has had instances where people have 'made' him as a copper, because they had some run in with him, and tried to get aggressive/pick a fight. And it has always worried me that they might be able to find out who i am/where i live and harass me too - so I encourage my partner to take online security very carefully. Any job where you come across that number of dickheads who hate you, it pays to be discrete.

The positives of his job are that he is incredibly calm under pressure in life, quite emotionally intelligent because he of all the various types of people he comes into contact with, has a certain confidence when we are out and about that makes me feel safe even in risky situation, has a stable profession not prone to redundancy like my industry, and his shift work means he can pick up the slack on days that i'm working. Also I am very proud of the work he does! However, not every officer is like this, so i can't generalise.

Obviously, cheaters/scammers are also discrete. So meet up with him, and trust your gut. You'll soon get the measure of him.

Adley · 14/01/2022 12:20

Thank you so much @todaysdilemma

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 12:24

People on here are obsessed with cheating. There are many possible concerns that spring to mind when people wonder about the wisdom of dating a policeman (high incidence of domestic abuse, systemic racism, institutional sexism, unsociable hours, possible danger), and some of you instantly assume this is about the likelihood of fidelity.

It’s very, very odd.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 12:26

OP, if you’re feeling off about or having to question anything about anyone on a dating app before you even meet them, then don’t meet them. No analysis. End it, unmatch and move on.

IWannaQuitTheGym · 14/01/2022 12:31

Isn't there a setting on whatsapp where you can set it so that only your contacts can see your photo? Maybe that's why you couldn't see his photo at first? You said you whatsapped him and then you could see his photo - so maybe he got your message then added you to contacts which would mean you could then see his photo.

DragonDoor · 14/01/2022 12:32

@Adley

No he had loads of nice clear pics on there then said someone messahed him who he’d once arrested Ive sent him a whats app theres a pic now… Wwyd
Despite this explanation, I still don’t understand why he had to leave the app... could he not have just blocked the person who messaged him?

I agree that he is hiding something

Hen2018 · 14/01/2022 13:07

I dated a policeman once. He kept the worst sexism, homophobia and racism I’ve ever heard under cover until about 6 months in.

He also moved in with another woman 8 days after I dumped him...

Adley · 14/01/2022 13:28

Omg this doesn’t sound great

OP posts:
Mich1986 · 14/01/2022 14:36

I wouldn't personally date a police officer, my sister married one and had kids, he cheated on her and left, he was such a strange man and my sister said he used to go online and pretend to be a woman, also he cheated on the woman he left my sister for (snogged another officer while on duty!)

MrsGarethSouthgate · 14/01/2022 14:53

To be honest all these negative comments are quite insulting to those of us on here who are police officers…

wizzywig · 14/01/2022 14:56

In an allied profession. I have no pics and my name is completely different on soc media. I keep my private life as hidden as possible to keep myself and my loved ones safe. I know some colleagues don't do that. Up to them