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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating / policeman / red flags

72 replies

Adley · 14/01/2022 10:04

Hi all would you date a policeman or someone who works for the police
And what are the main dating red flags 🚩 to look out for online dating

OP posts:
AllOfTheDwarves · 14/01/2022 15:11

I agree with a lot of @todaysdilemma has said.
My DP is a police officer and he is the best partner I've ever had. He is fantastic at communicating and highly emotionally intelligent. He is sensitive, thoughtful and kind but also very physically strong and capable which I find very attractive.
He does work shifts, but thankfully his current role doesn't require nights.
His social media is heavily locked down because of his job - he needs to remain as anonymous as possible online.

padsi1975 · 14/01/2022 15:28

I'm married to a police officer. Beware the shift work! I didn't really care until we had children. Then all the weekends and bank holidays by myself felt very lonely and hard for years. My youngest is finally in school and I can travel about easily enough (no buggy etc) so life is getting a bit easier. But they were hard and lonely years. I will say the force he works for are tops for flexible working. Really, really flexible around childcare/family issues etc. So there's that. He also doesn't really have the worry of being fired because of an economic downturn/pandemic/whatever, which must be nice (I'm always worried about losing my job). And his pension will be a whole lot better than mine even though I earn over twice what he earns. He absolutely loves what he does and I hate what I do so I'm envious of his job satisfaction. : )

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 16:00

@MeSanniesareBrannies

You do realise that other professions have similar levels of domestic abuse, racism etc but because they are not in the public domain it is impossible to conduct research on them to the same extent - also, these traits are more newsworthy for someone upholding law and order, than say someone on the trading floor. The same way cases of alcoholism in surgeons and pilots will be considered far more critical to investigate and report on than with accountants.

So until someone does research on ALL professions and concludes that compared to doctors, lawyers, bankers, firefighters etc the police are MORE likely to be abusive, racist, homophobic (whatever it is) - this data is tosh. Only reviewing the police is of course going to flag up a whole bunch of bad apples - how do you know that the same isn't true for any other profession?

IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 14/01/2022 16:10

Sorry for the gross generalisation, but they say "policemen cheat, firemen hit".

Some of my in-laws work in police forces and they've always said infidelity is rife.

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 16:11

@Cas112

The police force is notorious for everyone sleeping with everyone and extra marital affairs etc I had a friend who worked doing admin and she said it's rife.
This is true. School friend is a police officer and she had an affair a few years ago with her married sergeant who is about 15 years her senior. They’re still together now tbf, he left his wife for her after a year long affair. She wasn’t the only one at it, she said it was very common.
todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 16:14

www.bma.org.uk/media/4487/sexism-in-medicine-bma-report.pdf

As an example, a review of sexism in medicine has thrown up that this is a problem here too.

Pretty sure if someone were to search for every occupation in the same vein, you'd come up with similar reports.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 16:20

Is give this one a swerve.

Tbh police and military are the only professions I avoid on online dating. Bexause if they turn out out be psycho, their colleagues might be on their side if you try to report/they have access to weapons. Oh I tell a lie, I also avoid anyone who is really techy, like programmers. Cause if they turn out to be creeps, they'd probably find it easy to hack your computer n put spyware everywhere ect lol. But that's just me being extra careful.

And my best mate is a cop and he is the nicest person ever. But he says there's a lot of bullying in the police force so I'm not surprised to hear about their bad rep.

dopple · 14/01/2022 16:28

infidelity is rife anywhere, I've worked in offices, retail, sales, it happens unfortunately, some people just don't have good morals. I'm sure not all policemen are the same, I've been on a couple of first dates with policemen and can say they weren't at all forward, didn't try to touch or kiss me, were very well mannered and polite, the only reason I didn't see them again as there wasn't any chemistry.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 16:30

[quote todaysdilemma]@MeSanniesareBrannies

You do realise that other professions have similar levels of domestic abuse, racism etc but because they are not in the public domain it is impossible to conduct research on them to the same extent - also, these traits are more newsworthy for someone upholding law and order, than say someone on the trading floor. The same way cases of alcoholism in surgeons and pilots will be considered far more critical to investigate and report on than with accountants.

So until someone does research on ALL professions and concludes that compared to doctors, lawyers, bankers, firefighters etc the police are MORE likely to be abusive, racist, homophobic (whatever it is) - this data is tosh. Only reviewing the police is of course going to flag up a whole bunch of bad apples - how do you know that the same isn't true for any other profession?[/quote]
So, what you’re saying is that you have no evidence whatsoever that any other profession has similar levels of domestic abuse, racism or sexism? We’re meant to disregard reams of data and just take your word for it?

The review of the high occurrence of DA amongst police officers is taking place because there are so many reported cases, not because a decision was made to review them due to their position in the community. So, yes, if there was a preponderance of stalkery wife abusing surgeons, that would be reported. It’s not the case.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 16:34

@todaysdilemma

www.bma.org.uk/media/4487/sexism-in-medicine-bma-report.pdf

As an example, a review of sexism in medicine has thrown up that this is a problem here too.

Pretty sure if someone were to search for every occupation in the same vein, you'd come up with similar reports.

Nobody is stating that there isn’t poor behaviour in other professions. However, said behaviour is rife in the police and there are huge amounts of reports and data supporting this. You will be hard pressed to find several occupations for which this is the case.
whenwillthedecoratingend · 14/01/2022 16:50

I work in the police, I'd say you have about half the force their whole life is the police and all their relationships are with people in the police, they tend to be the shaggers from what I've seen, and the other half keep work and home separate and have relationships with none police people, most of these aren't shaggers.

If he was advertising on his dating profile that he's a police officer or had photos in uniform that would be a red flag. These tend to like the 'hero glory' and power. If just normal profile and has said in private chat his job then fair enough.

Re social media, most police officers use false names and don't put their photo on profile to make it difficult for people they meet at work to find them.

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 16:50

@MeSanniesareBrannies

What reams of data though? Data just reviewing the police in isolation?

Do you have any data that links occupations to domestic violence/sexism etc?

If we use common sense, why would anyone invest time and money into investigating the personal lives of people in an occupation UNLESS the occupation was to uphold law and order and in the public interest. It is a profession that will always be held more accountable and under more scrutiny because it is at the front line and serving the public directly.

So WHY would research organisations and the media go around trying to investigate how many accountants are wife beaters or tradies are cheats - it doesn't matter to the general public, and so no one is going to fund it or do anything with it. Policing does matter, hence it is important to flush this behaviour out. And why it is publicised.

As an example of how meaningless data can be. These are professions most likely to cheat on you.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/cheating-relationship-partner-job-profession-adultery-affairs-a8374616.html

This one is for Oz www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6229505/This-profession-likely-cheat-making-20-cent-users-cheating-website.html

Also, surgeons have a higher prevalance of alcoholism according to this report

www.reuters.com/article/us-alcoholism-surgeons-idUSTRE81L1VO20120222

jamanetwork.com/journals/jamasurgery/fullarticle/1107783#:~:text=The%20point%20prevalence%20for%20alcohol,ratio%2C%201.25%3B%20P%20%3D%20.

And here, apparently the unemployed are most prone to domestic violence (so anyone who's partner loses their job needs to LTB by your logic)
warwick.ac.uk/fac/soc/economics/research/centres/cage/news/05-10-21-unemployment_substantially_increases_domestic_violence_new_study_finds/

whenwillthedecoratingend · 14/01/2022 16:54

Also, what is the app? If it's something like tinder which shows your profile to people around you then that would be a very plausible reason to come off if someone he's dealt with saw him on there, it might have made him realise it's not sensible for him to be on there as no control over it.

Adley · 14/01/2022 17:10

No he told me about his job in private chat (i asked him what he does)
It was match.com

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 17:10

[quote todaysdilemma]@MeSanniesareBrannies

What reams of data though? Data just reviewing the police in isolation?

Do you have any data that links occupations to domestic violence/sexism etc?

If we use common sense, why would anyone invest time and money into investigating the personal lives of people in an occupation UNLESS the occupation was to uphold law and order and in the public interest. It is a profession that will always be held more accountable and under more scrutiny because it is at the front line and serving the public directly.

So WHY would research organisations and the media go around trying to investigate how many accountants are wife beaters or tradies are cheats - it doesn't matter to the general public, and so no one is going to fund it or do anything with it. Policing does matter, hence it is important to flush this behaviour out. And why it is publicised.

As an example of how meaningless data can be. These are professions most likely to cheat on you.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/cheating-relationship-partner-job-profession-adultery-affairs-a8374616.html

This one is for Oz www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6229505/This-profession-likely-cheat-making-20-cent-users-cheating-website.html

Also, surgeons have a higher prevalance of alcoholism according to this report

www.reuters.com/article/us-alcoholism-surgeons-idUSTRE81L1VO20120222

jamanetwork.com/journals/jamasurgery/fullarticle/1107783#:~:text=The%20point%20prevalence%20for%20alcohol,ratio%2C%201.25%3B%20P%20%3D%20.

And here, apparently the unemployed are most prone to domestic violence (so anyone who's partner loses their job needs to LTB by your logic)
warwick.ac.uk/fac/soc/economics/research/centres/cage/news/05-10-21-unemployment_substantially_increases_domestic_violence_new_study_finds/[/quote]
I’ll repeat myself: The review of the high occurrence of DA amongst police officers is taking place because there are so many reported cases, not because a decision was made to review them due to their position in the community.

So, of reported DA cases, a disturbingly high percentage (globally and in the U.K.) of the abusers are police officers. So, there is a review of DA amongst police officers. That’s how research works. That is why. It’s not complicated.

It’s not about researching occupations and seeing which of them are the worst offenders. It’s about researching DA and its perpetrators, a disturbing number of whom are policemen.

A similarly high incidence of any other profession in reported DA cases would also be cause for concern, review and research, but there isn’t a similarly high incidence. I’m genuinely not seeing what part of this you’re not getting.

Ditto institutional racism and sexism.

Your links aren’t relevant to anything that I’ve said. And I’ve already addressed the fact that nobody is claiming perfection amongst other professions. I’m not sure there’s much point to this, to be honest. I’ve expressed myself clearly, but you can choose to believe what you want, I suppose.

OP, I advise you to run.

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 17:38

So, of reported DA cases, a disturbingly high percentage (globally and in the U.K.) of the abusers are police officers.

This is factually incorrect. No one has seen a % breakdown of the cases of DA by occupation to report that the police have a disturbingly high percentage. The Bureau of Investigative Journalism who did the initial reports ONLY asked for the number of police officers implicated in DA cases. So there may have been 700 cases of officer related abuse across 2015-2018 but there were 599,549 domestic abuse-related crimes in the year ending March 2018 alone. www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2018

So what were the occupations of the abusers in the other 500,000 cases? And 700 cases in 3 years is enough to deem policing a worse profession even though over 500,000 cases are NOT police?! On what planet is that a statistically validated fact.

mistermagpie · 14/01/2022 17:40

My ex husband was (is) a police officer. Note the ex.

I wouldn't date another one.

Nidan2Sandan · 14/01/2022 17:43

I've been married to a police officer for 16 years,th ere is not a more decent, kind, hard working, moral and wonderful man on this planet than my husband.

Anyone can be a twat, irrelevant of their job.

Stop trying to paint all police officers with a bad brush. Angry

Suzi888 · 14/01/2022 17:49

What’s being a police officer got to do with anything - maybe I’m missing the point but anyone can cheat, gaslight, work shifts, lie, pretend they have amazing careers, have wives etc.
Two of my colleagues are married to police men, both men are completely under the thumb and worship their wives, long marriages, children, never married before etc in their late forties and fifties (well one is retired now actually) both are /were high ranking though so maybe too busy fo be rogue!

You can only get to know someone if you give them a chance, have firm boundaries, see how they treat you.
My friend dated a fireman, they went to a pub, she fell down - tripped and he looked back and saw her on the floor and just carried on to the bar! She never saw him again. She met another fireman- perfect gent- been married 34 years!

todaysdilemma · 14/01/2022 17:50

@MeSanniesareBrannies

Simple maths.

Cases of DA in 2018 is 599, 549 (According to ONS)
Cases of DA by police between 2015 - 2018 is 800 (According to the BBC article you posted)

That's 0.1% of all domestic abuse crimes reported in the UK were by police officers But yes, that's a disturbingly high %......

coldfeetmama · 14/01/2022 18:13

@Nidan2Sandan

I've been married to a police officer for 16 years,th ere is not a more decent, kind, hard working, moral and wonderful man on this planet than my husband.

Anyone can be a twat, irrelevant of their job.

Stop trying to paint all police officers with a bad brush. Angry

Well said Being a twat is nothing to do with the job
mistermagpie · 14/01/2022 19:35

I don't like to tar people with the same brush, I work with the police and there are lots of lovely people who are police officers. But I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one, I have seen many many affairs happen.

The thing is, for me, my ex husband joined the police while we were together. So I knew him pre and post. He changed beyond all recognition, he became a heavy drinker, was abusive, ditched all his old friends for police ones etc. His views became increasingly right wing and he was honestly like a different person. The whole thing put me right off and given that I know a lot about the culture from my job, I can see how it happens.

bongobingo43 · 14/01/2022 20:17

The part about there being no WhatsApp pic then him adding one......

It's possible to set your profile too only show your picture to your contacts. I'm guessing he uses this for privacy. You couldn't see his pic cos his number wasn't saved in his phone, you messaged him, he saved your number & replied. So you can now see his pic. It's prob been there all along

RainbowZebraWarrior · 14/01/2022 20:31

Ok, ex cop and serial (ex) online dater. Forget the 'they are all cheaters' shit. That's not important here.

The police officer thing is a red herring (If he states this on his profile, then he is likely not a PO) Nobody who is actually an active cop puts it on their dating profile. They may disclose it later in the chat

Red flags - if he wanted you to go to WhatsApp within a day or two, and deleted his profile, he is probably a weirdo / married cheater / will send you pics of his cock

Men often pretend to be Cops, Paramedics and such like in order to snare women. Ensure your bar is high and if you ever meet anyone in person, make sure you have an ally / someone to rescue you. Never assume anyone is genuine