Ok so there’s some context which I am going to describe. I really want some advice, I know bits of this are wrong but as many recent threads have said, life’s not black and white so please be kind.
I’m married. Not a great relationship, there is a lot of work stress and other stress due to extended family complications. We’ve been together 20 years, talked about splitting but both not quite brave enough, I think. So, the usual. Lacking connection. We have friends where we live but mainly me who makes the effort to see them (by myself or as couples), plan holidays away etc.
‘New’ guy started at work. Married. We get on well, have lots in common. Definitely a connection between us on a personal level but we have never socialised beyond work events. I think our friendship grew during lockdown when we’d have long chats on the phone but I’d also have similar chats with female colleagues when everyone was isolated, and other male colleagues too. All ‘above board’ but friendly.
Recent work night out, and we decided to leave the group and kissed. Went home separately. Absolutely not proud of what we did, but it happened. Fast forward to a few days later and we met up to talk through what had happened. Agreed it was a mistake and that we have a connection but that marriages/kids are more important. But, that we mean a lot to each other in terms of friendship.
Fast forward a bit more and now it’s weird. I just want my friend back but don’t know how to do that whilst respecting the boundaries that we agreed to post-kiss. It’s awkward and I don’t want that, I don’t want to wave goodbye to what is an important friendship. I feel a sense of loss at the idea that we won’t be able to be friends, in the same way that I’d feel if one of my other friends moved away or similar. This isn’t about wanting an affair, it’s about reclaiming my friendship. But I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, or put myself in a position where he draws a firmer line than I am expecting. On the other hand, if I hang back too much I risk losing the friendship altogether.
I am considering suggesting another coffee so we can talk it though again. I think I just want to be honest and see how he sees friendship working, if at all.
What I’m finding really hard at the moment is being in no man’s land and a bit lost.
Has anyone been able to reclaim a friendship in this situation? I know lots of people will say I’ve no right to expect that, and I don’t.
But I also know that my friends are really important and I’d really like him to be one of them. You’re a long time dead and I don’t want to turn my back on a solid connection if I don’t have to.
[awaits flaming, hopes for some balance]