Can I get the friendship back after a transgression?

[OnMakingMistakes]

Ok so there’s some context which I am going to describe. I really want some advice, I know bits of this are wrong but as many recent threads have said, life’s not black and white so please be kind.

I’m married. Not a great relationship, there is a lot of work stress and other stress due to extended family complications. We’ve been together 20 years, talked about splitting but both not quite brave enough, I think. So, the usual. Lacking connection. We have friends where we live but mainly me who makes the effort to see them (by myself or as couples), plan holidays away etc.

‘New’ guy started at work. Married. We get on well, have lots in common. Definitely a connection between us on a personal level but we have never socialised beyond work events. I think our friendship grew during lockdown when we’d have long chats on the phone but I’d also have similar chats with female colleagues when everyone was isolated, and other male colleagues too. All ‘above board’ but friendly.

Recent work night out, and we decided to leave the group and kissed. Went home separately. Absolutely not proud of what we did, but it happened. Fast forward to a few days later and we met up to talk through what had happened. Agreed it was a mistake and that we have a connection but that marriages/kids are more important. But, that we mean a lot to each other in terms of friendship.

Fast forward a bit more and now it’s weird. I just want my friend back but don’t know how to do that whilst respecting the boundaries that we agreed to post-kiss. It’s awkward and I don’t want that, I don’t want to wave goodbye to what is an important friendship. I feel a sense of loss at the idea that we won’t be able to be friends, in the same way that I’d feel if one of my other friends moved away or similar. This isn’t about wanting an affair, it’s about reclaiming my friendship. But I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, or put myself in a position where he draws a firmer line than I am expecting. On the other hand, if I hang back too much I risk losing the friendship altogether.

I am considering suggesting another coffee so we can talk it though again. I think I just want to be honest and see how he sees friendship working, if at all.

What I’m finding really hard at the moment is being in no man’s land and a bit lost.

Has anyone been able to reclaim a friendship in this situation? I know lots of people will say I’ve no right to expect that, and I don’t.

But I also know that my friends are really important and I’d really like him to be one of them. You’re a long time dead and I don’t want to turn my back on a solid connection if I don’t have to.

[awaits flaming, hopes for some balance]

You really need to leave it. I’m sure losing the friendship will be sad but you lost it the minute you kissed. It’s gone and you can’t get it back. The sooner you accept this the sooner you can move on and either focus on working on your marriage or getting your ducks in a row to leave.

It’s so easy to get caught up in daydreams when you’re in an unhappy relationship. You can’t even admit it to yourself that it’s anything more than a friendship but would you really normally be spending so much time dwelling on the loss of a friendship with a work colleague who you occasionally have coffee with?

Stop chasing him, it's embarrasing.

You are bored but that's no reason to destroy another woman's world.

Start being nice and do the right thing.
Stay out of each others way.
You are not friends.

A bit blunt but you are deluding yourself.

You sound incredibly selfish here, it doesn't matter that you two want to be "friends", you've both ruined that by crossing a line and owe it to your partners to keep your distance from each other from this point on.

Your real-life friends probably won’t tell you how it looks. But, as others have said upthread, you are embarrassing yourself as it is so obvious what you are doing. Sniffing around this man hoping for an ego-boost at best, or an affair at worst.

Cut off as much contact with the OM as you can. Only communicate on professional matters if you have to.

I agree with everyone else.

Yes I’m sure that you will be genuinely sad without his “ friendship “. But you have feelings for him and he either has then for you or he’s willing to cross appropriate boundaries.

This is not a good situation and no you can’t retrieve a “friendship “ because you are playing with fire. You know that deep down, even if you say you don’t . Every single person on this thread can see it and no doubt his wife and your husband could see it too if they knew about it.

If you are desperate for friends then put that effort into cultivating your friendships with other women or couples you see as a couple with your husband.

If your marriage is unhappy then put your energy into fixing it ( if possible and if you want to ) or leave.

Then if this man leaves his wife and you leave your husband, you will be free to pursue your “ solid connection “. Meanwhile stay away .

I’m sorry, I know these aren’t the replies you want. You want is to say that an emotional affair will be fine as long as you don’t have any physical contact like a kiss.

But it’s not ok. Please have some integrity . You say you don’t want to cheat and an emotional affair is still cheating in most peoples books.

You are playing with fire. My advice would be to step away for a few months and try to reconnect with your husband. You may be in denial about this man’s role in your life, a break will help you see clearly.

But he’s not happy in his marriage if he kissed you is he? This is why married women don’t like their husbands having female friends. People get flames for saying that. It’s supposed to be secure and cool and chilled to be ok with it but THIS post right here is why it has to be a NO. He’s supposedly happily married and his wife is being all cool and secure with him having female friends and yet he snogged you. FFS.

Transgression my arse.

You've become closer and closer to a man you work with, but you are justifying it by saying that the relationship you had with him was no different than the ones you had with other colleagues

But it was this man you 'decided to leave the group' with and kissed. Not Sue from accounts. So it isn't the same at all. It's different.

And I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn , actions do have consequences. You've made the decision to kiss, both of you and the fact you can't vibe friends anymore is the least of the consequences that could have happened!

You clearly have feelings for him which makes the dynamic you say you want to go back to impossible.

In the beginning the friendship might have been more balanced but it definitely isn’t now because your post is all about you and your wants. This man has prioritised his marriage over the possibility/ probability of the ‘mistake’ being repeated and all you can talk about is circumnavigating that boundary to have your needs met.

If his feelings really are important to you, then respect them by not pursuing this.

Sort yourself out OP, everything that you’ve written demonstrates a lack of self awareness about where your actions could lead. You are ripe for an affair, if not with this guy, then the next.

“ actions do have consequences. You've made the decision to kiss, both of you and the fact you can't vibe friends anymore is the least of the consequences that could have happened!”

This bit is spot on. You broke things when you kissed. You’re now trying to unbreak them so you can stay friends/have an affair. You can’t

I think you have to be honest with yourself and admit that your feelings go beyond friendship. If this was a regular colleagie friendship (and not even a very long term one at that) then you wouldn't miss it so much. You are missing it because it gave you something else.

If your DH had kissed another woman, a friend of his, and they agreed to step back a bit, and then he spent time thinking about her and wishing they were closer again, how would you feel

Let it cool off. He isn't going anywhere is he, you might be able to be friends in the future but now is not the time.

Similar thing happened to me and I wanted to meet up to clear the air but in reality I think I was hoping he might express some feelings for me. We didn't meet up in the end and looking back all it would have done is create further angst and confusion.

Really, in cases like this it really is least said soonest mended.

I have never in any of my friendships sat down for a discussion of how friendship should work. Friendships just happen. Sometimes you just have to wait and see if/how they are going to happen.

You made a mistake, you agreed it was a mistake. I'd suggest actively avoid him for a bit if you're even in the same work gatherings just to make clear you're not going to bug him, then go back to normal and pretend it never happened. There's no way discussing it further is going to help, it'll just make things more awkward.

If your husband kissed another woman he had a connection with, would you be okay with him trying to get his friendship back with her?

I understand that you miss the friendship. But it isn;t really strictly a friendship, is it, if both of you fancy each other? it's a dangerous brew. You have other friends, female friends at work, you said you had good chats with. The reason this 'friendship' feels so valuable is that it contains the added thrill of physical attraction. I'd honestly step away, out of respect for his wife and family, even if you feel your own marriage is dead in the water. (And if you do - focus on sorting that out - work at it or separate.)

@Closetbeanmuncher

The line has already been crossed so no leave it alone.

There is nothing further to talk about, he's not your friend hes a colleague you kissed, probably looking for an ego boost same as you. Quit the hand wringing and put the energy into improving your marriage.

This!

I don’t want to wave goodbye to what is an important friendship.

Reframe it, honestly. It's not an important friendship. Even in this version of the story, you had similar long chats with other colleagues over lockdown. So it was never a particularly important friendship. The only thing that made it different was the sexual attraction. And truly from your account, it sounds like if he'd not backed off, you'd be having a full affair by now. So be relieved that you're not in that quagmire and be glad he's prioritised his marriage (belatedly) and don't be kidding yourself any more with this 'friends are so important to me, I can't bear to lose his friendship' tale. If you don't want to be in no man's land, draw the line properly and be purely professional colleagues. Either work on your marriage or get out of it, but this guy is a side-issue and not going to help. Unless perhaps you tell your DH that you kissed another man and use that to finally accelerate the split or have an honest attempt to rebuild. Focusing on regaining the 'friendship' is a total bum steer. Forget him and deal with what's really going on, with counselling if needed to give you some clarity and get you out of this unhelpful rut.

If you care about him you'll allow him to work on his marriage and make that a happy one. If the wife finds out he both cheated and then continued to be 'friends' with the other woman do you really think she will get over it? It would destroy the marriage. He should choose her now and out of respect for her not be friends with you. Your need for friendship isn't as important as their relationship in this -stop trying to make it.
If I were him and was serious about recommitting to my wife I would not only avoid you but also be looking for a new job.
Find another friend.

Well, if your husband and his wife knew the truth about what had gone on, do you think they’d be happy for you to “meet to discuss it” or “continue the friendship”…..of course not. Do the right thing here op, either leave your DH (who deserves better) or stop this nonsense with this OM and commit to your marriage.
The other thing is, these things have a nasty way of getting out, you both disappeared on a works night out. Someone WILL have noticed and there WILL be gossip, so there is a fair chance your husband and his wife will find out anyway. How do you think they will feel if they find out and then realise that you’ve had several further meetings “to discuss it”??? Like shit is the answer. Stop this, now.

You're lying to yourself and us, and you know it deep down. You want an affair and probably to sail off the sunset with him. It won't happen.

Concentrate on fixing your marriage or on ending it for YOU, not for some other man.

It's so much easier to stop now and maintain firm boundaries before you're many more conversations down the line. You can't go back to how it was and you can't be friends if you want either relationship to survive. If you think it feels unpleasant now, imagine trying to dial things back when you're much more invested. Sorry, OP, but think of your experience with this man as a wake-up call and listen to it.

You cannot reinstate the friendship boundaries.
They never existed, the 'Long chats', 'Work socialising', were not above board. They were laying the foundations for an affair, sub consciously or other.
Tell your hubby he deserves to know.

This isn’t about wanting an affair, it’s about reclaiming my friendship. But I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, or put myself in a position where he draws a firmer line than I am expecting

I feel sorry for the wife with you in the background.

It sounds as though you want to bully him into more. If only you could convince him how good for him you are !

You are trying to coerce this man into a relationship, he told you he didn't want it to go further you should respect his boundaries.

Coffees to discuss the friendship, that's what every desperate affair partner wants. If he liked you he would be chasing you.

Take the hint.

Interesting that that once the vitriolic voices start, more pile in.

Thank you @MondeoFan @todaysdilemma and @BootySOS @MorrisZappfor pragmatic but direct comments. I needed to hear those.

I really don’t need to be told to think of his ‘poor wife’. Honestly what a phrase, I would hate if the situation where reversed that anyone was pitying me. But we’re all different.

And as for the shouts of ‘bullying’ and ‘coercion’ .

My DH does know as I said upthread somewhere.

In fairness OP when it comes to whether your husband knows about the kiss or not, it wasn't clear. You said he knows you made a mistake, but that is different from saying he knows all about the kiss so people might have assumed he doesn't.

Does he know everything?